The Diabolical Tyra Banks has me by the balls in her plan to emasculate all males down to Jay Manuel's level. I can tell that her grip is tight because of how wet I am over the leakage of the first group promo pic for Cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model. Seriously, I don't even care that Janice won't be partaking (her Surreal Life behavior knocked her way down on my list -- it's been arduous watching her be arduous).
As if to provide Midol to alleviate some of this pre-cycle stress, UPN has begun airing promos featuring the girls. So far, I've caught (and captured) two. I'm new at this DVD > MPEG thing, so I'm sorry that the quality isn't up to snuff. I'll do better next time.
Spot 1 Spot 2
(Note: UPN has since updated its site with a higher quality, extended promo that spotlights all of the girls. Watch it by clicking "Bling It On" here. With a name like that, how could you resist?)
Now, let's examine
the six some of the girls we've been introduced to, in both their around-the-way and bling looks that the commercials present. It's not too early to be picking at the contestants, since, if there's one thing ANTM has taught me it's that you can judge a book even before you see its cover because what the hell is a book?
You and your overconfidence make me wanna Yaya. I have a giant crush already -- Bre is making me rethink the whole gay thing.
K, I'm back to gay.
I can't wait to hear what the judges will have to say about her teeth.
If you're gonna do En Vogue, do it right.
Is that plus-sized or man-sized? Like a cross between Gina Gershon, that older-woman floozy in Dirty Dancing and a penis.
In sum: Bre is America's Next Top Model (so far).
Until ANTM bows Sept. 21, UPN will have me occupied with this one's antics on R U the Troll? That's not a subtitle -- it's her name.
This just in: Peep all the ANTM girls at the show's site. I love how they show us the finalists a month before the show is set to premiere, and then, said premiere (or, the first half of it) is a resulting suspense-free semi-finalists episode. Whatver. Like I'm not going to watch.
Bre will be in the Top 2, watch.
And here's a bit more info from the press release:
The competition intensifies for the fifth cycle of UPN’s hit dramality AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL as the 13 finalists struggle to make their dreams of becoming a top model a reality. While facing tougher challenges, the wannabes will glam it up staying in a luxury Bel-Air mansion and riding around town in an extravagant stretch limo living like real-life supermodels, in the two-hour fifth cycle premiere on Wednesday, Sept. 21 (8:00-10:00 PM, ET/PT) on UPN. AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL will air in its regular time period Wednesdays (8:00-9:00 PM, ET/PT) beginning on Sept. 28.
Dramality?!? I knew I smelled skenecia.
In addition to the current prize package that includes an opportunity to be managed by Ford Models, a $100,000 contract with cosmetics giant CoverGirl and a fashion spread in Elle magazine, the winner will also be featured on the cover of ELLEgirl magazine with Tyra Banks.
Because nothing says bling like ELLEgirl. Whatever. I don't care. By the balls. Can't wait.