The broadcast of this year's MTV Video Music Awards didn't include the best category of all: Douchebag of the Night. Let's fix that.
Here are the nominees for Douchebag of the Night:
While I admire R. Kelly's unabashedness in his mic-free lip synching of "Trapped in the Closet, Pt. 3" and then the brand-new "Trapped in the Closet, Pt. 6," watching this meant enduring another fucking "Closet" chapter. I really had hoped he would get distracted before he had the chance to produce chapters 6-10. I'm all about camp and "Closet" is actually my favorite type of camp in one respect (I enjoy ambiguity of intention -- in other words, when "Closet" is fun, it's because it's impossible to tell just how aware of its ridiculousness Robert is). But more than fun, "Closet" is mind-numbingly tedious -- asking me to follow underdeveloped manifestations of R. Kelly's malnourished psyche from bedroom to bedroom, while introducing more and a more of these manifestations every step of the way, is too much to ask. Plus, y'know, the storytelling isn't exactly compelling (sample lyric from "Closet 6": "Then Cathy says, 'Rufus.' Rufus says, 'Cathy.' Chuck says, 'Rufus.' Rufus says, 'Chuck'..."). From piss to douche, it's been a long way down for Robert.
Providing stiff competition was the show's host, Diddy, who seems so socially deficient, it's amazing that he's gotten as far as he has. Just about every time he opened his mouth, just about every time he moved, he embarrassed himself. So instead of naming all of those things, we'll focus on the times he didn't even have to open his mouth to reveal his schmuckiness:
And by "God," he means "Diddy."
Our last nominee Common showed off his not-so-funky-fresh feeling with a "freestyle" rap that revealed his enlightened artiste image like never before. You can listen to this most recent example of Common's eternal lameness here, but I'm going to transcribe it as well, because things like this always reveal about 10 times more stupidity when they're all spelled out.
"In Miami: In Miami onstage wit my man Johnny Knox / Freestylin' while millions of people watch / At the VMAs I gotta let the verse spray / I ain't 50 Cent but, bitch, it's your birfday / I walk the streets of South Beach [fucks up] I walk the streets of South Beach wit' a limp / Thinking it's hard out here for a pimp / But wit' my video "Testify," I'ma soon plan / Next year I'ma be walkin' wit' a moon man." Happy birthday to me! Also, I really hope him the best of luck in his pursuit of an incredibly important Video Music Award. I know that receiving one would be really cosmic and deep and worth busting out the crocheted pants for.
As you can see, Douchebag of the night is a very tight category. I hate to be obvious, but I gotta go with the frontrunner:
Thank god we have a funnyman like this to fill Dave Chappelle's void.