The Princess and LaPrincia

Episode 8 of Theology with Whitney and Her Husband opens with a heated discussion on religion that basically involves Bob and Wincey ranting at a woman who looks like Jill Scott. My words will not do theirs justice, soooooo:

Bobby: So you're a Christian.

Whitney: (Unintelligible, maybe "Do you .  . .") believe Jesus was Lord and Savior?

(Jill Scott nods)

W: He is savior . . .

B: (Overlapping) He is a savior . . .

W: (Getting all bitchy at Jill) Is he Lord and Savior, I said?!?

B: He's not Lord and Savior.

J:

B: OK?

W: (Motioning, trying to show "high" with her hands) God is almighty. (Indicating lower, growing frantic with every "lord") There is a Lord. There are lords. There are lords.

B: There's too many names! There's too many names for our – there's too many times for the higher power.

W: God is God . . .

W: . . . lords are here.

W: In my house, we shall serve the Lord.

J: That's right, we all serve him!

B: I serve him, I serve him well.

Bobby excuses himself (for the cameras) and goes outside. Someone drives by, spots him and pretty fantastically says, "Free Bobby Brown!" Bobby's immediate reaction: "Yeah yeah!" Bobby upon reflection: "Why does everybody always think I'm locked up?" Good question, Bobby. Really good question.

After the credits, Bobby voiceovers that he's in Miami to record with the Marley brothers. Ever notice how molesty he sounds on these voiceovers, practically whispering yet sounding aroused? Anyway, Bob and Whit stupid and cranky their way though the airport.

They reach their car and Bobby makes me sad all over again.

Sad. Then, he tells Whit that the kids have requested a no-secondhand-smoke lifestyle. Whitney is in another world with her Newport, conspicuously wiping under her nose.

After Bobby prods her a bit more, Whit snaps about the light rigged up by their heads so that the cameras can catch this very moment, no doubt. As this is Bobby's show that Whit doesn't want to be on in the first place (sometimes), her complaining shuts him up good.

But not for long. Cut to Bobby entering the Marley's house. He announces himself by not saying a word and just clapping.

"Workin' with the Marleys, man, this is legendary." Yes, a regular clash of the titans. Add Mr. Cheeks to the mix, for whom there are lights, camera and no action. He can't even be bothered to look up from his writing.

We see Bobby recording a song we'll call "Beautiful." I don't think this has been released yet but with the marvels of modern technology and my increased technosavvy, I can finally offer sound clips from the show! So, let's take a listen. Hear that? Why the melody sounds almost identical to Janet Jackson's "Got 'Til It's Gone". How do you feel about that comparison, Bobby?

Too bad.

And then, we get to see Bob and Whit like we've never seen them before: in their Miami condo and higher than hell. Seriously, Whit delivers a tour de force starting with her hair.

She got a tail, y'all.

Bobby burps and delivers a delightful soliloquy: "How you like this, can you smell it? That's a good one, ain't it? Thas real good. You like that smell, don't cha? I like when it's funky like that, that way I get the kiss with the taste of the tastefulness of the kiss. (Gets momentarily distracted, shockingly enough.) With the funkiness of breath. (Now, to Whit) C'mon, bring your ass here."

Higher. Than. Hell.

Bobby then insinuates that Whit digs vibrators by showing us his electric toothbrush and recounting a time when he turned it on and told Whit not to get excited. He assures us they had fun later that night. All the while, Whit is freaking out about something, forcing Bobby to confess that sometimes, he can't hold it all in.

I like these rare moments when he lets his guard down.

Then, he drives, which seems unsafe, even though I really think that he and Whit are only on the pot (if anything else is involved, it's probably just taking the edge off or putting it on or doing some sort of chemical balancing act and not really fucking them up, per se).

So it's probably just moderately unsafe, and definitely safer than munchie-motivated Bobby's trek through the supermarket. He closes some woman in a freezer . . .

. . . writes on someone . . .

. . . and spends a lot of Whit's money . . .

We leave the market and then: Oh. My. God.

. . .

I . . . uh . . . well . . . take it away, Whit:

That's one way of putting it. Then, pledging her allegiance to the unwell, Whit gets up and they all convene in the kitchen. BK comments on all the food, and in the tradition of, uh, her parents, breaks out into song. We'll call this one "Daddy Is Just Greedy". Listen to Whit in the last bar, singing with food in her mouth, channeling Anne Ramsey. Seriously, I suggest listening to this on a loop because it gets funnier every time.

And then, she does a dance that puts the homeless to shame and amuses Skenecia to no end.

Tour de force!

Bobby and Tommy have a shrimp cook-off, which ends in a draw, leaving Tommy incredulous.

I kind of love Uncle Tommy. He chalks the tie up to the fact that this is Bobby's show. "Wait till I get my show," he threatens. I don't know if this is sad or what, but I'd totally watch that. And recap it.

But the best part of the shrimp-off (shrimping twice in one show!), is the game you can play of who's the biggest Bob Marley fan. Is it security guy?

Whitney?

Or Bobby?

The answer: Doogie. Or dookie. Whatever you prefer.

Cut to Bob sitting out by the pool, explaining that he can retire in three and a half years. If this was filmed last summer, and he's 36 and a half now, that would make him 39 at that point. What is that, New Edition's pension plan?

And then, the best exchange this show has ever offered occurs. Bob sings Whit some of "Beautiful," and without opening her eyes, smiling or the faintest gesture of encouragement, Whit says, "You took that from 'No Fear!'" Bobby has no idea what she's talking about, as should no one, really. "It's SWV!" yells Whit. OMG! Then, she launches into a scat version of what she's talking about. If there's one thing this show doesn't have enough of, it's scat. Confused, Bobby asks, "Is that Janet?" Ha! How wonderfully coincidental that that would be his first guess! It's almost the same, but what she means is SWV's "Right Here", and given the tempo of "Beautiful," I'm guessing she means the Human Nature version. Have I told you lately how much I love Whit and her pop-culture savvy ass? She lived this shit!

And then, commercials and the opportunity for another game! What aging theatrical release has seen its marketing completely overhauled? Can you guess from the raves?

Four Brothers? Warm!

Uh, what's that other black movie? Crash? Again, warm. But this is yet another Terrence Howard-starrer.

Did you get it right? I wouldn't hold it against you if it didn't. Good job, Miramax, for finally shopping this thing properly. Seriously, it's hilarious, stilted and way larger than any life I've known. My favorite movie of the past five years, I'd say. It's pure joy and if you haven't seen it, you and your kitchen-ass hair are missing out.

Anyway, back on B³, more travel. Bobby and BK go to Boston to visit with Bobby's tolerable children, Bobby Jr . . .

. . . and la lovely LaPrincia . . .

But before that, they both lament Whitney's absence. Aw, guys, I miss her, too.

That said, a lot of this show's Whit-free segments are surprisingly entertaining (I'm thinking the Pop-plentiful camping bit and the upcoming one).

Bobby Jr. shows his knack for entertaining by introducing BK to his friends as "the annoying one." And then, for some reason, when they go to retrieve LaPrincia, BK's excitement turns sour. She won't even get out of the car to say hi to her sister, causing Bobby to ask where "the princess" is.

Nice. Real nice. I'm sure everywhere you go you make tons of friends so that you can afford to thwart yet another person who (at least at the moment) cares for you.

Cut to Bobby in some kitchen with the most honest man in the world.

This guy informs Bobby that he's getting old, that he looked like shit in some recent picture and that he enjoys following Bobby's legal misfortune in the news. How does Bobby react?

Because if it's attention, he'll take it.

The next day, BK and LaPrincia go shopping. Their first stop is Urban Outfitters.

Gross!

At one point, BK shows a whorily dressed LaPrincia a pair of socks and LaPrincia says, "They're fuzzy. I'm getting them." I love LaPrincia.

LaPrincia soon confesses that she's "not into this shopping thing." We know, LaP, you  like to save your money so you can count it later in front of people.

BK, who seems to suffer from chronic buyer's remorse, soon turns pissy.

Oh, wait, she just needs a feeding.

LaP ignores BK's further requests for food, angering the hungry, hungry Krissy. They meet up with Bobby at some restaurant he's taken over by being the loudest diner. He spots a navel piercing on LaP and drills her about it. She says it's fake, and she's clearly lying. BK, of course, gets jealous that LaP is getting all the attention.

That's hardcore! That's real! That's black love! Bobby entertains BK's confession even though it's lame, and soon tells his kids to go back to the hotel. "I'm coming to hand out ass-whoopings when I get home," says Bobby responsibly.

Back at the hotel, LaP makes fun of BK in front of a roomful of kids, saying BK thinks she's 35 and exposing her spending habits. And even though it just amounts to jealousy (however righteous) that BK is allowed more money than she is, I think LaP sucks here. I never thought I'd be on BK's side or advocate her Whitney-sans-dookie pissiness, but there you go.

Bobby finds out that BK is angry and his reaction is his most responsible yet: "She's mad and she wants me to assist her. I don't like that shit." (Correction: As pink pork pointed out in the comments, Bobby actually says "She's mad and she won't speak to her sister," which is a responsible thing to say, after all. I'm sorry that I ever questioned Bobby's parenting decisions.) When he meets up with BK, we know it's serious because he tells the cameras to go away. He tells the cameras to go away. This is a momentous occasion.

Then, more pissy:

LaP eventually cures BK of her woes by sending an accompanying friend home and spending some time with BK alone (not before, of course, they talk biology -- BK is not on the rag, y'all, so stop your worrying). Anyway, by the end, all is solved with food.

Bobby voiceovers that he still has a long way to go when it comes to knowing how to raise girls. Ya think?

The end.

So, wait, if Bravo hadn't opted to extend this season from eight to 10 episodes, would this have been the end? No Whitney, no goodbye, no real closure? Nice. Real nice. Now I don't feel like getting out of the car.

Regardless, we'll get plenty of the first part of that next week when we find out what Bobby and Whit act like at home. It seems even crazier than when they're in public! But similar. There'll dancin' . . .

. . . sassin' . . .

. . . and something that will test my descriptive powers like they've never been tested before (click here for a sound sample to go along with the next pic) . . .

I love a challenge, though, so you know I can't wait.

Comments

[Blackmail Is My Life]

If I told you my aunt (in-law) edited this series, how weird would that be? Would it be weirder if I told you she's won Emmys and an Oscar? It's pretty weird, but she edited a show on MC Hammer for VH1 too!

[shawnp]

Rich Juzwiak my love for you defies description. (well, except for that one.)

[JaeRizzle]

the Whitney Show recaps on here are a sweet, sweet nectar that could sustain you for an eternity. triple love it!

[Talix18]

The Whit alarm nearly got my monitor sprayed with lukewarm coffee. Finally something that makes the baby Jesus's shizzle crack the fizzle up.

[C]

This is the single greatest thing to happen to me today. I know, tragic.

[a.]

I'm feeling like I'm loving your recaps more than I love the show. Bobby is definitely an alcoholic...drinking up all that man's beer in Boston. LaPrincia was wrong for talking about her baby sis to her friends. My love for Uncle Tommy continues to grow. Does Skencia have a family of her own???

[raevee nyc]

Once again bravo for the recap!
the highlight of my week is catching up on the crazy antics of the B3 crew.

[cocoaloco]

i would just like to send u a warm hearted "thank u" for loving b3 as much as i do. i appreciate u and ur website. bobby brown ain't crying!

[Emily]

So freaking funny. Thank you!

[dooku]

My God fo-fo, you've outdone yourself this time.

Also, those people are nuts.

[Lexual Healing]

I love your recaps. Are you at TWOP?

[pink pork]

Hey great recaps, I love love love them. But Bobby said that Krissy "won't speak to her sister", not "wants me to assist her". I'm pretty sure, anyway.

[Ian]

LaPrincia's got some crazy wigga friends. Seriously, recap that shit.

[Rich]

1. Thanks to pink pork for doing my work. I reviewed that section of the episode and you're totally right. A correction has been made in the recap.

2. Blackmail, I love your aunt (in-law).

3. I am not with TWoP. I just rip off their style.

4. A. makes a good point about Skenecia, although, I think it's now safe to say that the world is her family. I mean, really, is there anyone who does not love that little lambchop (or at least, her name)?

[lynniethepooh]

I read your recap, then watched the show for a third time, when i noticed at the beginning of the miami condo bit, whitney is attempting to zip up her blue dress thingy, while bobbie is complaining about her being there doing that. Whitney says - "shut up bobbie, i didn't ask for noone in my house". I was surprised this didn't get mentioned. I have lost alot of respect for Whitney. She is definitely a strange bird.

[Ivan]

Haha that shit is hilarious good job.

Damn black people

[angela]

your recaps are as good as the show! these people need help

[angela]

your recaps are as good as the show! By the way Ivan? White people are on crack too. (((Trust me.))) Damn White people

[serena]

yes angela,
but so what ?

it does not make it any better.

being on coke does not make you a bad person, being on coke on tv, does.

[Melissa Smith]

I think LaPrinca needs a serious reality check and needs to realize just cause her daddy is bobby brown ... she still aint SHIT ... actually nobody

making fun of her sister ... her blood ... no cool at all

[lkhdeso rktpyf]

uiompqla akjli wemq jfpcwqk csjvbu hnkmie isgdelty

[Luna]

This is such a mess. Lol.

But BABY,
that first lady looks NOTHING like Jill Scott. In fact, Jill SCOTT would be insulted. That's really not cool..

Find another black woman of fame to compare her to. LOL.

otherwise, keep on keepin' on.

[Fqeitxcf]

YedEUg

[tramadol 93 833]

I want to say - thank you for this!

[testimonials phentermine]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.