Last week on ANTM: a swarm of crying bitches! 21 instances of tears (or teary-ness), to be exact. This week was no match for that, I'm afraid, as you'll see on this week's edition of the America's Next Top Model Rolling Crying Count:
This cycle's makeover episode -- a perennial fav -- was surprisingly light in disappointment, bitchiness and cry-ass (Gail™) hoes. Long-locked Cassandra, who took exception to being shorn into Mia Farrow circa Rosemary's Baby, was the sole crier. But it was a really, really good cry.
And all over hair.
Gay Manuel noted that she cried for 12 hours. Meanwhile, when it was announced that Cass Idiot would be stripped of her pageant-pretty hair, some of the girls could barely contain their delight.
And then . . . nothing. While the girls of this Cycle are wonderful -- dynamic, "talented," ""art""ful -- they've been really disappointing me with the lapses in tearshed. I'm still hoping that it's just mounting emotion. I think I might be right, since when it rains it pours. Check out the waterworks of this week's elimination ceremony.
She wasn't in the Bottom 2 or anything. She just got a little nervous.
This week's Bottom 2 blues, supersized.
Kicked off the mass hysteria in response to Ebony's elimination. I thought everyone hated Ebony and thought she was annoying?
Like, do they not realize that one out of the way brings them that much closer to the top?
27. and 28. Nicole and Jayla
Jayla specifically said she wanted to punch Ebony during the semifinals portion of this competition. Maybe she's crestfallen over never getting the chance?
I mean, really, you woulda thought that Ebony announced that she has lupus or retinitis pigmentosa or something.
30. and 31. Kyle and Lisa
God, mourning gets boring.
This week's biggest loser finally unleashes. Too little, too late.
And now I present two brand new weekly gimmicks to accompany the Crying Count. The first is Tyraism of the Week. A supermodel must be ready to spew bullshit at a moment's notice. No one knows the truth of this axiom better than Ty Ty Baby. This week's pearl of wisdom addresses the tender and arcane topic of modeling in bright sunlight. Hear her here.
"There's the trick that you do, when the sun is really, really bright. Keep the eyes closed. You count, '1, 2, 3, bam . . .'"
. . . "'1, 2, 3, baam.'"
I want everyone to practice that this week. The secret's in the bam.
And here's the second new regular feature:
I'm still sad about Janice, and so, I want to quantify just how fucking annoying, useless or otherwise un-Janice-like her replacement, Twiggy, is each week. As you can see, the scale uses five levels to rate Twiggy's performance. And, uh, that's about it, right? Pretty self-explanatory, right? Let's see where she falls this week . . .
A light faux-sparring match with guest judge James St. James and her acknowledgment that she's "ghet-to" made her mild, almost likable. She wins this week, but I've got my masochistic gym teacher's eye on her.
And now, the random notes:
1. Speaking of James St. James, Jesus Christ, could this show get gayer?
"Personal style means that you can be fat, 40 and bald, and dress like a clown, and still be the most fabulous person in the room."
Could and did.
2. I was all like, "Shemale schmemale" when presented with the theory that Coryn was born a man. But now I'm thinking, "She male," mainly because the post-makeover Coryn bares a striking resemblance to Tyra, who, as we all know by now, is a mere quarter chromosome from queendom.
Such a tranny pose.
And look, the show even owns up to the resemblance . . .
Instead of an exact match, though, I would like to say that Coryn looks like Tyra with a dash of . . .
Coryn's name is Coyra from now on. Or maybe Coyrash. I haven't decided.
3. And speaking of the makeovers, here's a look at the girls' before and after shots, just for your information.
Guess who I think looks best, post-makeover. I'll give you a hint: Bre. On her lack of any assigned drastic changes (they just straightened her hair), Bre said: "I guess that just means that I'm fabulous one way or another because there was nothing drastically done to me. Then nobody can come up with a conclusion of how to make me even more beautiful." Yep, that's exactly what that means, baby girl.
Also, Sarah really benefits from the shorter 'do, Cassandra finally makes sense as a contestant and Kim's right -- Kyle really is the prettiest girl in the competition.
4. Eyebrow bleaching is hilarious, always.
5. Maybe Cassandra really is a sociopath . . .
"If this [competition] doesn't work for me then I'm definitely gonna go back to pageants because I think that really helps you develop more as a woman, where modeling is just more of a career."
6. It might not count as tragic foreshadowing, but this was definitely dire . . .
7. Lisa's pic that got so much praise was an example of cross-eyed chic.
8. If the tears are not yet a torrent, at least the claws are extended. These bitches are great! Here are some shots of the girls reacting to Cassandra's incessant chatter about that damn haircut . . .
Kim is a total troublemaker. She called Cassandra a robot as Tyra was announcing how the makeovers would go down and she also made fun of Lisa's know-it-all-ism . . .
For a pretty girl, she sho is uglay.
9. Cover Girl cosmetics are really great providers of foundation, as this week's chapter of Naimia's "My So-Called Victory" commercial feature showcased . . .
"We have a new palate. It's called vitiligo."
10. Just in case you get confused, Tyra's always nearby to let you know what this show's really about . . .
Her tits. I mean, her. I mean, her tits.