Ebony eyes, dies, cries

Last week on ANTM: a swarm of crying bitches! 21 instances of tears (or teary-ness), to be exact. This week was no match for that, I'm afraid, as you'll see on this week's edition of the America's Next Top Model Rolling Crying Count:

22. Cassandra

This cycle's makeover episode -- a perennial fav -- was surprisingly light in disappointment, bitchiness and cry-ass (Gail™) hoes. Long-locked Cassandra, who took exception to being shorn into Mia Farrow circa Rosemary's Baby, was the sole crier. But it was a really, really good cry.

And all over hair.

Gay Manuel noted that she cried for 12 hours. Meanwhile, when it was announced that Cass Idiot would be stripped of her pageant-pretty hair, some of the girls could barely contain their delight.

And then . . . nothing. While the girls of this Cycle are wonderful -- dynamic, "talented," ""art""ful -- they've been really disappointing me with the lapses in tearshed. I'm still hoping that it's just mounting emotion. I think I might be right, since when it rains it pours. Check out the waterworks of this week's elimination ceremony.

23. Kyle

She wasn't in the Bottom 2 or anything. She just got a little nervous.

24. Diane

This week's Bottom 2 blues, supersized.

25. Sarah

Kicked off the mass hysteria in response to Ebony's elimination. I thought everyone hated Ebony and thought she was annoying?

26. Bre

Like, do they not realize that one out of the way brings them that much closer to the top?

27. and 28. Nicole and Jayla

Jayla specifically said she wanted to punch Ebony during the semifinals portion of this competition. Maybe she's crestfallen over never getting the chance?

29. Coryn

I mean, really, you woulda thought that Ebony announced that she has lupus or retinitis pigmentosa or something.

30. and 31. Kyle and Lisa

God, mourning gets boring.

32. Ebony

This week's biggest loser finally unleashes. Too little, too late.

And now I present two brand new weekly gimmicks to accompany the Crying Count. The first is Tyraism of the Week. A supermodel must be ready to spew bullshit at a moment's notice. No one knows the truth of this axiom better than Ty Ty Baby. This week's pearl of wisdom addresses the tender and arcane topic of modeling in bright sunlight. Hear her here.

"There's the trick that you do, when the sun is really, really bright. Keep the eyes closed. You count, '1, 2, 3, bam . . .'"

. . . "'1, 2, 3, baam.'"

I want everyone to practice that this week. The secret's in the bam.

And here's the second new regular feature:

I'm still sad about Janice, and so, I want to quantify just how fucking annoying, useless or otherwise un-Janice-like her replacement, Twiggy, is each week. As you can see, the scale uses five levels to rate Twiggy's performance. And, uh, that's about it, right? Pretty self-explanatory, right? Let's see where she falls this week . . .

A light faux-sparring match with guest judge James St. James and her acknowledgment that she's "ghet-to" made her mild, almost likable. She wins this week, but I've got my masochistic gym teacher's eye on her.

And now, the random notes:

1. Speaking of James St. James, Jesus Christ, could this show get gayer?

"Personal style means that you can be fat, 40 and bald, and dress like a clown, and still be the most fabulous person in the room."

Could and did.

2. I was all like, "Shemale schmemale" when presented with the theory that Coryn was born a man. But now I'm thinking, "She male," mainly because the post-makeover Coryn bares a striking resemblance to Tyra, who, as we all know by now, is a mere quarter chromosome from queendom.

Such a tranny pose.

And look, the show even owns up to the resemblance . . .

Instead of an exact match, though, I would like to say that Coryn looks like Tyra with a dash of . . .

Stacy Dash!!!

Coryn's name is Coyra from now on. Or maybe Coyrash. I haven't decided.

3. And speaking of the makeovers, here's a look at the girls' before and after shots, just for your information.

Guess who I think looks best, post-makeover. I'll give you a hint: Bre. On her lack of any assigned drastic changes (they just straightened her hair), Bre said: "I guess that just means that I'm fabulous one way or another because there was nothing drastically done to me. Then nobody can come up with a conclusion of how to make me even more beautiful." Yep, that's exactly what that means, baby girl.

Also, Sarah really benefits from the shorter 'do, Cassandra finally makes sense as a contestant and Kim's right -- Kyle really is the prettiest girl in the competition.

4. Eyebrow bleaching is hilarious, always.

5. Maybe Cassandra really is a sociopath . . .

"If this [competition] doesn't work for me then I'm definitely gonna go back to pageants because I think that really helps you develop more as a woman, where modeling is just more of a career."

6. It might not count as tragic foreshadowing, but this was definitely dire . . .

7. Lisa's pic that got so much praise was an example of cross-eyed chic.

8. If the tears are not yet a torrent, at least the claws are extended. These bitches are great! Here are some shots of the girls reacting to Cassandra's incessant chatter about that damn haircut . . .

Kim is a total troublemaker. She called Cassandra a robot as Tyra was announcing how the makeovers would go down and she also made fun of Lisa's know-it-all-ism . . .

For a pretty girl, she sho is uglay.

9. Cover Girl cosmetics are really great providers of foundation, as this week's chapter of Naimia's "My So-Called Victory" commercial feature showcased . . .

"We have a new palate. It's called vitiligo."

10. Just in case you get confused, Tyra's always nearby to let you know what this show's really about . . .

Her tits. I mean, her. I mean, her tits.

Comments

[cathy]

Is anyone else as excited as I am for next week's Kim/Sarah action?

[KK]

Who else thought Lisa was shitfaced the entire episode, especially when she was telling the girls how to model after winning the style competion? homegirl was staggering about in that white coat, drink in hand.

[James]

Yeah I thought she was loaded the whole time, or atleast acting like she was so afterwards if worse came worse she could blame her annoying ass behavior on the booze.

Coryn is coming off as such a sweetheart... hopefully she doesn't go all YaYa on us and goes on a bitch spree.

[Rich]

I'm worried about that happening with Bre -- we haven't gotten a clear look at her personality yet and everytime she does confessionalize, she's kind of over-the-top with self-confidence. Whatever, she's my lover.

Oh, and so excited about the pending lezaison.

[dooku]

They all look like trannies (plural version?) to me. A lot of them do, anyway. I'd say the chin gives it away, but, there's the so hot Morgan Webb. She's got quite a jaw going on.

[brandy]

Ive been watching Britains Next Top Model, I have no clue who the "super" model host is, but the girls are super crazy bitches, and drink like fishes!

I really liked Lisa's makeover.
I dont like Kim.
I really dislike Cassandra.

I vote for more crying and bitching!

Next week lesbian model action!

[B.]

I'm just happy Cassandra wasn't booted off. The show's always best when there's a good bitch on, especially one as sociopathic as Cassandra. You just know there's a good meltdown happening. Better than Sarah and Lisa would be Lisa and Cassandra.

[rebekah]

Does anyone else think that Lisa looks like Sandra Bernhard?

[Michael K]

Cassandra is fucking crazy! I'm still hoping for ladydude Coryn to bring it home. But she won't.

[brandy]

OH and I loved Cassandra going
"is this mod? is this mod? do I look mod?"
If she said mod one more time I was going to jump through the tv and slap her silly.

Her "mod" outfit looked like an uptight intern at a law office. Her necklace was horrible, how can anyone know so little about fashion?

[g.electra]

I think that all of these girls are hideous. Coryn...ugh. All of them...ugh~!

[lindsay]

I think they gave Cassandra that horrible, not even in style haircut just to humiliate her for our enjoyment. Notice how Tyra said at the end that that wasn't the cut they were going for and they were going to change it (it's like 80s soccer mom, not Mia Farrow!). And good. Cassandra couldn't possibly be less likeable.

[Steph]

Oh how I adore Lisa. Okay, she seemed a bit schwilly.
THAT I noticed…..wonder why they didn’t exploit that as much as with the other chicks…? Remember when they snapped on Britney last season for Miss-Be-Haven’-One-Too-Many?

Lisa is being a jerk though…I’ll blame it on the booze talking. Everyone enjoys a humble leader!

I wish Lisa, Diane and Rue-Paul’s love child (Coryn) all the best of luck.

Cause some of those bitches are crazy mad ghetto hoes…..ALL except for Twiggy that is!

I can’t wait until next week when those two ladies get stuck on ‘The Island of Les-Bos’!
Soon the full blown lesbo-Kim is going to whip that big lipped Sarah lady into shape….

Cheers! Here’s to watching skinny chicks fight with each other…! –Too bad at the end of the show the winner doesn’t get a sammage!

[jeremy]

um. how come none'a'you even mentioned nik or nicole? they took, hands down, the best picchers. final three, guesses?
i'm going lisa, nik, & jayla. little ol' nicole will buckle under the pressure and be top six.

[onenami1lion]

I know i'm in the minority but I like twiggy. Janice drained my energy. With her gone, maybe there will be more of a focus on other crazy mofos like that dude in the tang outfit and more Miss J! I love his little flower shoulder thing.

[Nancy]

nik is awesome. she, kyle and kim are my favorites as of right now. not liking nicole right now. her look ("sex kitten") bugs me. meh.

[Michael]

I've never seen this show, so excuse my ignorance, but goodnight in the mornin', WHAT is sitting next to Tyra in that shot where she bamming?

[Ian]

Coryn or Cory? Better yet, Coryn or Cory-n-drag?!?!

[dj Danny S.]

Speaking of before and after shots you'll love the art of retouching at http://www.glennferon.com/portfolio1/portfolio30.html. Be sure to look at all the booby adjustments and ash-reduction on the b&w Destiny's Child shot towards the bottom. (Run your mouse back and forth over Beyonce's breastases quickly and repeatedly for a *wink* *wink* effect) And speaking of (mega MEGA) ash-reduction is that Erykah Badu who I thought eye spied?? o my!

[dj Danny S.]

sorry, link update : just go to http://www.glennferon.com/
and click on Portfolio/Work

[nOva]

You are the worst. I love you.

[Rich]

Michael, that's runway diva extraordinaire, J. Alexander, another judge. He was bamming along.

[duane]

You should totally write for like EW or something; you would actually convince me to watch something that I normally wouldn't. Now I am going to have to start watching this, like I did with BBB. But, don't think that I am complaining, quite the contrary!!! Keep up the great recaps!

[Alana]

I think that in Kim's after picture she looks like Charlize Theron. But that's like the only time.

[Genevieve]

Real quickly I just wanted to say....not to crazy about many of them. One or two are attractive and that's only WITH make-up and touching up and all.

Also:
"If this [competition] doesn't work for me then I'm definitely gonna go back to pageants because I think that really helps you develop more as a woman, where modeling is just more of a career."
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!?!??!