Welcome to the official start of fourfour's ANTM coverage. Instead of doing blow-by-blow recaps, which will be done extremely well at Television Without Pity and (I think) TVgasm and which would inevitably have me packing my bags (y'all) for an institution mid-season (I'm still making up for the sleep I lost at the gnarled hands of Whit and Bobby), I've devised another way to cover the show: the America's Next Top Model Rolling Crying Count. Since Tyra's (fierce!) emotional manipulation and editing suggests that a model must be ready to blubber at a moment's notice, I'll be documenting the tear-shed every step of the way. Beyond the considerable mock factor, I'm legitimately interested in how many instances of crying bitches we can rack up by the cycle's end. And since ANTM is camp-drama in a modeling competition's designer-impostor garb, it seems only appropriate to focus our gaze on emotional outpouring.
A few notes on what constitutes a notch in the tally: basically, it's up to my case-by-case discretion. Since ANTM is as counterfeit as it wants to be, fake crying counts as long as effort is put into it (I don't need to see actual tears, but I need serious facial contorting and voice warbling). Multiple instances of the same girl crying in the same scene over the same thing will not count (i.e. if Sarah bites one of her absurdly gigantic lips and makes herself cry during the course of a scene and then we cut to a confessional in which Sarah recounts the pain and cries about it all over again, that counts as one cry).
Without further babbling, I present to you the crying bitches of the two-hour ANTM Cycle 5 premiere:
Revealing difficult past at the hands of mother is the second-most effective way to melt Tyra's heart (the first is ribs, obv.).
Finds out she made the semifinal cut and proves her worth entirely through tears.
More semifinal emotion -- acceptance-as-catharsis anguish.
4. Loser Girl #1
Didn't make the cut and neither did her pain.
Tyra bit her fist when she realized how far 'Tricia would go to emote. Her willingness to get physical makes her a shoe-in for a Cycle 6 comeback. Remember her name.
7. Loser Girl #2
Another unnamed un-semifinalist can't let go.
Beginning to show signs of tour-de-force potential in her one-on-one with Tyra.
Tears bling like ice.
Loving Bre, I cried along as the made the final cut. Except I knew she was going to anyway because I've been following this shit's promo offerings for over a month. But whatever, Bre for president!
She needed this 1-in-13 chance for a modeling contract and guaranteed humiliation.
Chosen and unleashing her hungry eyes.
14. & 15. Losers #3 & #4
Teamwork: there's no "I" in "cry."
All the lost potential: Regina coulda really been a boon to this tally.
17. Loser #5
Tyra was delighted that this one cried some of her makeup off.
A twist on stay-at-home apparel and emotion.
Icy-hot Bre talks like a truck driver and weeps like a baby. She is a star.
Bottom 2 blues.
Her eye puffiness said volumes more than her insistence that she wasn't going to cry after being the first eliminated finalist.
Note that the first hour, which concentrated on the semifinal rounds, was a geyser of tears -- entries 1-18 came from that portion (obviously, the greater number of girls and recurring eliminations have a lot to do with that). The second hour -- the first proper episode, really -- was surprisingly light. I'm hoping it's just a matter simmering bitchiness and forthcoming faux-injury, lest the Crying Count fail to illustrate ANTM's ridiculousness. If Tyra doesn't bring the emotion, I'ma call my girl Janice to help me set TyTy's weave on fire.
And speaking of Janice, I have some random notes (which will accompany the CC each week):
1. Twiggy sucks a little.
Too fair and polite -- if you're going to judge something this absurd, you gotta bring the nonsense. I really thought I was weaned off Janice's non sequiturs after her Surreal Life obnoxiousness. But I miss that bitch SO MUCH. Twiggy is seemingly honest, but waaaay too articulate about her opinion, dammitt!
Oh, and she laughs too much. Look, here she goes again:
Shut it, Twig.
2. I know I said mean things about Diane's genitalia in my run-down of the first ANTM commercials, but anyone who starts a sentence with, "Because I'm so bootylicious . . ." gets my approval. Love her.
3. Jay Manuel is vomit.
Uh, no thanks. Really.
4. J. Alexander is not. Among his talents is a mean impression of Coryn:
5. Nate Dogg is a hip-hop icon (Coryn™)
6. More evidence of Tyra's genetic makeup (her Quee.N.A., if you will)?
7. Lisa kinda rules.
8. Sarah says she's never met a "full-blown lesbian," proving her brain is as bee-stung as her lips.
8.5. Also? Homegirl can't walk.
9. Girls the girls they love out-n-proud Kim. Can you blame them? She is fine. Seriously, I want to her to have my gay babies.
Love how lezzie she's making things!
10. If Tyra ever requests that you put on a happy face, ignore her!