. . . but dude does not look sad. What was up with the entire panel using Coryn's possible sadness as a reason to boot her? Bitch was sassy, not sad. I mean, do you detect sadness here . . .
. . . here . . .
. . . or here?
She didn't even cry after elimination! She was, in fact, jubilant.
What a weirdo. I'll miss her possible penis, though.
And, at the same time, it is nice to see a gracious loser. The only thing nicer? Starting the show with CRYING. The first shot we see is of . . .
Forget what I said last week: beauty through crying is totally possible.
Hot! Oh, it should be noted that Nik is crying over last week's elimination of Diane. You'll remember that she already cried over this in the last episode, but whatever. It's a new day for the rest of us.
Lisa freaks out about being widely disliked, while Bre, angel that she is, offers her toilet paper as consolation.
Kyle cries at almost every elimination and she's never even been in the Bottom 2. She is playing to win.
No actual tears, but Tyra swore they were there after watching Lisa's mock deodorant commercial in which Lisa confessed that she tells herself she's beautiful everyday. Touched by delusion?
And speaking of that, the Tyraism of the week goes one more to incorporate willful lying. Apparently, Tyra thinks that if she spouts statistics, no one will notice that she totally made them up. Listen here and try to resist repeatedly hitting your head against the keyboard.
"Ninety-eight percent of models smoke or have smoked. And it is something that they do to keep their weight off . . . (UPN chop job) . . . and my grandmom died of lung cancer at 50. But, y'know, if you wanna just get superficial and talk about modeling, this . . .
. . . career will be cut in half because of smoking. And it's not too easy to quit, because my addiction is food and fattening food, so if somebody's like, 'A model's life will be cut in half, Tyra, by eating,' I ain't gon' put down the Twinkie, y'know what I mean? Not that easily."
That's right, Tyra, hold on to the Twinkie. Also, if 98 percent of models smoke, and their careers are "cut in half," is that half based on the duration of the career lives of the remaining two percent? And, in fact, what model didn't smoke? Linda? Naomi? Claudia? Shut up.
That said, it was extremely tempting to name this recap "To Smoke and Have Smoked."
And now, the biggest news of the week: I like Twiggy.
She was totally herself, boring boring boring, until she unleashed this insane ramble. Listen! She gets all kindsa Ozzy on that one, and no doubt benefits from sound editing (the quote starts, "Sing-songy!" which is as good a way to start a sentence as any I've ever heard). She sounds like she's been drinking, which I think viewers of previous seasons can attest makes for some great judging. The bottle is your friend, Twig!
And she's not the only one steaming this cycle's trainwreck factor.
1. Lisa is out of her fucking mind.
I mean, really, what the fuck?
Poor dejected Lisa talks to a tree she's dubbed Cousin It.
She admitted to Tyra that her vice is wine. Tyra asked her if she was a wino and she said yes. She admitted to being a wino! As in, "I am a wino!"
I know people say she's annoying, but that's her charm! I am, however, afraid for what's gonna happen after the manic spell ends. Get out your bell jars.
2. While Lisa spazzed, Jayla unraveled with a confessional reminiscent of Elyse's big tirade in Cycle 1. If only she'd dubbed her newly formed nemesis Nik a "shit slice."
And then when it became clear that Nik was to be in the Bottom 2, Jayla could barely contain her glee.
3. Meanwhile, Nik painted. With watercolors. In a plastic case.
I think her picture says, "I love you," but I wish it said, "I love unicorns."
4. The degradation continues! To train in the art of beauty-aid spokesmodeling, the girls were forced to smear food on their faces.
Is bukkake-esque a word?
5. Iman showed up to shill the just-released "book" that she ""wrote."" I refuse to reprise the commercial, but I do feel the need to prove it.
Also? Iman is insane. Her adamance about skincare was intimidating.
"It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that skin," she said. Is she referencing Duke Ellington? Is that some half-retarded mnemonic device?
6. I don't even want to know what kind of night Ms. Jay must have had to look like this the next day:
7. Naima makes me sad like disabled people make me sad.
8. In happier news, I think I might have a chance with Bre!
"You got beautiful eyes. I think I got a crush on you," she told Entertainment Tonight's Ryan Devlin. So she totally likes gay white guys. This is awesome.
Further insight into Bre's sexuality: her "secret" she revealed in the mock Secret (har har) commercial was, "I like men's underwear." And by that I think she means she likes men's underwear. And I think that makes her a transvestite.
I could get into that.
9. Someone at Tyra's other show got some sense.
Compare that to what they used to call that segment:
Ha! Diane, of course, was on this week. She's still boring (my apologies to her cousin).
10. What the fuck is wrong with Tyra?
No really -- please tell me if you know.