With just a flick of her wrist (in Bre's direction), Tyra Banks has once again turned my world upside down. I was not expecting poor, empty Kyle to exit so soon (nor was she, tear upon tear proved). Much as I love her, I really thought it was Bre's turn to go. Lucky me, I guess.
I do wish that Kyle had some sort of a weird mouth thing going on so I could have called this recap "Toothy Kyle."
Whatever, Kyle gets to go home to this:
But more importantly, she cries.
As hot as I thought Kyle normally was (is, I guess, as it only feels like she's dead), she looked mega matronly during panel. It was as though she was trying to get us to hate her so we wouldn't be so let down, like when Barbara Hershey freaks out and says "fuck" in Beaches right before she dies. It kinda worked.
And, uh, crying? What crying? Seriously, these are some dry bitches, and I'm not even trying to be talking about downtown. Kyle was joined only by the girl who narrowly avoided her fate:
Yeah, yeah, scary, scary, boo hoo, whatever. Bre kinda pissed me off this week, as we'll see in a second.
Y'know what also pissed me off? Only two criers. That's it. Where's my dramality, dammitt?!?
If Tyra's deficient in the one-on-one and emotional wringing-out departments, she's at least not short of wonderful, helpful, not-at-all arbitrary advice. Take, for example, her words to Nicole, which make up Tyraism of the Week:
"There's one thing that my mother doesn't like. When she's telling somebody something and they go (quickly nods) 'OK,' (quickly nods) 'OK,' (quickly nods) 'OK.' It's defensive and you do it every single week. And it's not likeable. And you're a sweet girl."
Agreeable cunt! How dare Nicole nod as she says, "OK!" There's nothing more aggressive than a yes man, and I'm glad Tyra invoked her mom to validate that. Seriously, if I had to deal with this random-ass criticism, I'd totally shut off emotion. And then they'd say, "Rich, you're a shell of what you once were. You need to install the personality chip back in you. Plus-sized models are supposed to be jolly." And Tyra would stick her finger in my stomach, Doughboy style, right after she told me to pack my bags, y'all.
Whatever. I don't even care. Twiggy doesn't offend me outright. She doesn't do anything for me. But, actually, that's kind of offensive. So points off. Except, not when she's carrying on as though she's at Hooters. That I can get with. Even split, then.
And now for a very Tyra-heavy remainders section. Blame it on this snoozy episode and Tyra's control-freak, compensating nature. I mean, really, at times, her performance read like a Whitney-esque tour de force. I'm about to make serious fun of her, but it's only because she entertains me so. Tyra, you are my hero. At least, my modeling/talk-show-host/Halloween 8-appearing-in/shaking-ya-body-body hero.
But that's not the most pressing issue. What's taking up most of my brain and practically blinding me with rage is my:
1. Hate for Jayla.
Ugh. I'm done with her snotty ("[Nik's] not gonna last long"), Sailor Moon-eyed, Suicide Girl-wannabe, can't-take-a-decent-fucking-picture-even-when-the-judges-say-she-did ass. I mean, she attacked Kyle's vacuousness without a hint of self-awareness. She is the poor, blind, incontinent man's Elyse.
She was all kinds of superior when talking to ELLEgirl staff (more on that in a sec) about her taste in music, saying it was very different than the other girls'. And what does she listen to? "Electroclash, psychobilly and hardcore." Only genres with compound names, apparently. And real hip musical buzzwords if you're living in, like, '02! Thank you, Spin.
Seriously, electroclash? Electroclash?!?! Y'know what? Great. I'm sure Larry Tee has a vacancy in W.I.T. that he'll gladly let you fill because reality-show-stars-are-sooooooooooooo-kitschy-WTF-ROFFLE!!!!! You're about to find out, Miss Jayla, that motherfuckers, are, in fact, not so nice.
I did, though, like how dirty her boobs got.
2. And this is why Bre disappointed me:
An alliance with Jayla. So not cute.
Nor was this rodent imitation:
This look, however, was adorable. It won me back (and made Twiggy all hot and bothered, as heard in the sound clip above).
Too cute. She makes me proud of my Kinsey number (a 4.5, since you asked).
And look, she's even into barebacking.
3. I know that Tyra sits around thinking, "Hmmmm, what can I smear the girls with this week?"
"You're gonna need some dish washing detergent to get this out," she told Lisa, as though that made it OK. She did this in preparation for this impromptu photo shoot she directed. But she never really explained why some girls got Vaseline and others got real make-up. She did, however, explain how she wanted the girls to pose. Hilariously.
To Jayla: "I'm a baby and I'm a virgin."
To Bre: "I'm just so innocent."
To Kim: "Give that baby face, like, 'Huh?'"
Yeah! Huh! I mean, what?
4. And there was more humiliation in store! Seriously, this show is shameless in its mistreatment of its contestants. It's Fear Factor with an eating disorder. Tyra had the girls go through this militaristic training course only to get dirty so they'd look like pigs at the following surprise ELLEgirl go-see.
5. Speaking of hot (but not really at all), what is up with Jay Manuel's body? Is he muscly, thin, chunky, smooth or what? I can't tell and it's been bugging me for years.
I do know that against a beige background, Jay has never looked more orange.
6. I guess Tyra was all about flaunting her flaws this week?
Don't get me wrong: I think Tyra's body is fantastic, and even more, I think it's really great that she's so comfortable with it, coming from an industry that certainly is not. That said, as my wonder twin Tracie pointed out, her arm creases look like vaginas.
7. But, you know what? That's fine. Homegirl can still pull out a mean impersonation.
Here she is doing Bre:
And here she is, er, not doing Robert De Niro:
A comedic genius, I tell you.
8. Wow. Was that Naima or Naomi in the My Life as a Covergirl segment?
Seriously impressed. But then, I'm impressed any time Naima doesn't come off as asleep or dead. Which is never.
9. Bre's still my baby, but I have to throw my support behind Lisa, whom I don't think will win, but whom I do think is wonderful. I mean, she takes slamming pictures and she plays a great game. She has that kind of postmodern advantage of someone who's been studying the reality show she's on. Real smart, and her smile kinda kills me.
Yeah, she looks like she's lived pretty hard . . .
But who cares? Go Lisa!
With Kyle out of the way, I think she's Top 2 bound. I'm saying it's gonna be Lisa and Nik, head-to-head.
10. Just in time for Halloween, Tyra reveals that she has an imaginary friend, Tony.
He makes her say, "Ledom, ledom," and sometimes, he makes her do this: