No vacancy

With just a flick of her wrist (in Bre's direction), Tyra Banks has once again turned my world upside down. I was not expecting poor, empty Kyle to exit so soon (nor was she, tear upon tear proved). Much as I love her, I really thought it was Bre's turn to go. Lucky me, I guess.

I do wish that Kyle had some sort of a weird mouth thing going on so I could have called this recap "Toothy Kyle."

Whatever, Kyle gets to go home to this:

She wins!

But more importantly, she cries.

46. Kyle

As hot as I thought Kyle normally was (is, I guess, as it only feels like she's dead), she looked mega matronly during panel. It was as though she was trying to get us to hate her so we wouldn't be so let down, like when Barbara Hershey freaks out and says "fuck" in Beaches right before she dies. It kinda worked.

And, uh, crying? What crying? Seriously, these are some dry bitches, and I'm not even trying to be talking about downtown. Kyle was joined only by the girl who narrowly avoided her fate:

47. Bre

Yeah, yeah, scary, scary, boo hoo, whatever. Bre kinda pissed me off this week, as we'll see in a second.

Y'know what also pissed me off? Only two criers. That's it. Where's my dramality, dammitt?!?

If Tyra's deficient in the one-on-one and emotional wringing-out departments, she's at least not short of wonderful, helpful, not-at-all arbitrary advice. Take, for example, her words to Nicole, which make up Tyraism of the Week:

"There's one thing that my mother doesn't like. When she's telling somebody something and they go (quickly nods) 'OK,' (quickly nods) 'OK,' (quickly nods) 'OK.' It's defensive and you do it every single week. And it's not likeable. And you're a sweet girl."

Agreeable cunt! How dare Nicole nod as she says, "OK!" There's nothing more aggressive than a yes man, and I'm glad Tyra invoked her mom to validate that. Seriously, if I had to deal with this random-ass criticism, I'd totally shut off emotion. And then they'd say, "Rich, you're a shell of what you once were. You need to install the personality chip back in you. Plus-sized models are supposed to be jolly." And Tyra would stick her finger in my stomach, Doughboy style, right after she told me to pack my bags, y'all.

Whatever. I don't even care. Twiggy doesn't offend me outright. She doesn't do anything for me. But, actually, that's kind of offensive. So points off. Except, not when she's carrying on as though she's at Hooters. That I can get with. Even split, then.

And now for a very Tyra-heavy remainders section. Blame it on this snoozy episode and Tyra's control-freak, compensating nature. I mean, really, at times, her performance read like a Whitney-esque tour de force. I'm about to make serious fun of her, but it's only because she entertains me so. Tyra, you are my hero. At least, my modeling/talk-show-host/Halloween 8-appearing-in/shaking-ya-body-body hero.

But that's not the most pressing issue. What's taking up most of my brain and practically blinding me with rage is my:

1. Hate for Jayla.

Ugh. I'm done with her snotty ("[Nik's] not gonna last long"), Sailor Moon-eyed, Suicide Girl-wannabe, can't-take-a-decent-fucking-picture-even-when-the-judges-say-she-did ass. I mean, she attacked Kyle's vacuousness without a hint of self-awareness. She is the poor, blind, incontinent man's Elyse.

She was all kinds of superior when talking to ELLEgirl staff (more on that in a sec) about her taste in music, saying it was very different than the other girls'. And what does she listen to? "Electroclash, psychobilly and hardcore." Only genres with compound names, apparently. And real hip musical buzzwords if you're living in, like, '02! Thank you, Spin.

Seriously, electroclash? Electroclash?!?! Y'know what? Great. I'm sure Larry Tee has a vacancy in W.I.T. that he'll gladly let you fill because reality-show-stars-are-sooooooooooooo-kitschy-WTF-ROFFLE!!!!! You're about to find out, Miss Jayla, that motherfuckers, are, in fact, not so nice.

I did, though, like how dirty her boobs got.

2. And this is why Bre disappointed me:

An alliance with Jayla. So not cute.

Nor was this rodent imitation:

This look, however, was adorable. It won me back (and made Twiggy all hot and bothered, as heard in the sound clip above).

Too cute. She makes me proud of my Kinsey number (a 4.5, since you asked).

And look, she's even into barebacking.

3. I know that Tyra sits around thinking, "Hmmmm, what can I smear the girls with this week?"

Vaseline!

"You're gonna need some dish washing detergent to get this out," she told Lisa, as though that made it OK. She did this in preparation for this impromptu photo shoot she directed. But she never really explained why some girls got Vaseline and others got real make-up. She did, however, explain how she wanted the girls to pose. Hilariously.

To Jayla: "I'm a baby and I'm a virgin."

To Bre: "I'm just so innocent."

To Kim: "Give that baby face, like, 'Huh?'"

Yeah! Huh! I mean, what?

4. And there was more humiliation in store! Seriously, this show is shameless in its mistreatment of its contestants. It's Fear Factor with an eating disorder. Tyra had the girls go through this militaristic training course only to get dirty so they'd look like pigs at the following surprise ELLEgirl go-see.

Hot right?

5. Speaking of hot (but not really at all), what is up with Jay Manuel's body? Is he muscly, thin, chunky, smooth or what? I can't tell and it's been bugging me for years.

I do know that against a beige background, Jay has never looked more orange.

6. I guess Tyra was all about flaunting her flaws this week?

Don't get me wrong: I think Tyra's body is fantastic, and even more, I think it's really great that she's so comfortable with it, coming from an industry that certainly is not. That said, as my wonder twin Tracie pointed out, her arm creases look like vaginas.

7. But, you know what? That's fine. Homegirl can still pull out a mean impersonation.

Here she is doing Bre:

And here she is, er, not doing Robert De Niro:

A comedic genius, I tell you.

8. Wow. Was that Naima or Naomi in the My Life as a Covergirl segment?

Seriously impressed. But then, I'm impressed any time Naima doesn't come off as asleep or dead. Which is never.

9. Bre's still my baby, but I have to throw my support behind Lisa, whom I don't think will win, but whom I do think is wonderful. I mean, she takes slamming pictures and she plays a great game. She has that kind of postmodern advantage of someone who's been studying the reality show she's on. Real smart, and her smile kinda kills me.

Yeah, she looks like she's lived pretty hard . . .

But who cares? Go Lisa!

With Kyle out of the way, I think she's Top 2 bound. I'm saying it's gonna be Lisa and Nik, head-to-head.

10. Just in time for Halloween, Tyra reveals that she has an imaginary friend, Tony.

He makes her say, "Ledom, ledom," and sometimes, he makes her do this:

Comments

[Buntcake]

Bre pissed me off that she came off so uncaring and mad that she was in the bottom two. She was supposed to cry, she'll never win with that attitude.

I like that they're picking off all of Kim/Tim's friends. I like seeing her look so upset...even if she's improving, she's still freaking hideous. Ew.

I can't imagine Lisa making it to final 2, my guess is Jayla and Nik. And not just because we could see some YaYa vs. Eva shunning.

[renee]

I never think Nik looks good except when she's in that 'confessional' room - like when she was crying, or this week, when she had those black-framed glasses on. she looked hot!

[Tipsy McStaggers]

Jesus - you have outdone yourself this time- HILARIOUS!!

[LA]

Dude, it's so strange that everyone Kim gets close to gets voted off that week! I think it's an ANTM conspiracy.

[OOMM]

Thank you! I know how much it must have hurt to throw those Orange Man pics in but that booty pic will get me though the weekend man.
Add that little Tyra freak thing at the end and you may have made my whole week.

[Davy]

Superb! Just found your recaps last week, and they're as glam as the show itself. I thought it was Bre's time, as well, but was glad she's still around (she is the awesomeist). I see the final two as Lisa and Jayla. Lisa is quickly becoming a fave. I love that she's honest about being a wino. Yeah, winos!

[Steph]

Heh heh heh TyTy's friend Tony! Awe ya know I just fell out laughing over that shit just now!

Back to the review! Agreed Lisa put down the wine and picked up a slice of ultra charisma! You go GIRL. Bring it. I’ve been waiting!

Uh has anyone noticed how super creepy Jayla has become? The claws are out folks so I vote we review what info who know so far about dis hoe:

1. She smokes cigarettes (oooh how evil mad naughty!)
2. She ‘fornicates’ (oooh behave!)
3. She listens to ‘hardcore’ music –from the year she graduated high school. ~Jeez I can’t think of anyone else that I know who still rocks out to the music they dug when they were in high school…hummm…she MUST be a bold trend setter!
4. She’s from a family of holy-rollers! –So you know right there this bitch can be ghetto ruthless….Yeah, right maybe when competing to sell Mary Kay or Tupper Ware products! –my money is on that bitch going DOWN fools!

[carlos]

okay, this week lisa was working a serious harpo marx impersonation — don't believe, check the pics above!

rich, i hate to beg but i must: i'm compiling an album of miss jay's looks each week and i'm horribly disappointed there is none in your recap this week... your grabs are much sharper than any i can attain, soooooo... is it too late to get one?

and speaking of miss jay: she's obviously not getting enough orally, she would NOT shut up this week!

please, rich?!

[Julia]

OH. MY. GAWD!!!!

Tears are streaming down my face, you hilarious man, you. Her arm creases look like vaginas. Goddammit. I never thought anything could top Cousin It.

[Michael K]

Perfect once again Rich! And you are so right. Lisa and Nik are Top 2 with Kim rounding out the Top 3.

[Liz]

I was really hoping you would give us the verbatim on Miss J's advice to become tafetta (or something?). "You gotta be all cruncha cruncha..." ?

[Eightwonderofwit]

I love your site. It's fabulous. I don't know if you've kept up with all the ANTM's or if this is the first season you've kept up with.

But, I came across this pic of Yaya. (The girl that lost to Eva the diva) She is in Essence.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v377/rattlerbrat82/Yaya%20DaCosta/yayap.jpg

[Charlie]

*dies*

I was so bummed about Kyle. I loved her, I really did. I thought it was Bre's turn to go. Or Nik.

I know Jayla's a big ho, but she's a hot ho and I think that's going to take her really far.

And Lisa looks like a lion.

I'm really starting to get into Nicole. I think Nicole is this season's dark horse.

[Carly]

Okay, so I have to know: if your precious Bre has slipped in your rankings, who do you think is going to take this thing home? To my mind there's not one real frontrunner, though I'm guessing Lisa is going to go through some kind of Eva-esque personality transformation. Of course, I say this having missed *every episode ince the premiere*!

[Freddy]

No doubt, Lisa's a babe and probably nuttz...

The pic you've called "Lisaliveshard1" reminds me of Beavis & Butthead... LOL!

[Butta]

I've been a lurker all season menstrual cycle but this post led me to comment.

When Tyrock told Jayla to pose like "I'm a baby and I'm a virgin" I almost choked. I would damn sure hope a baby was a virgin. The hell?

I was shocked as all get out that Kyle got the boot. Not mad just shocked. Hanging out with that Kim is the kiss of death I tell ya.

And I have to tell you that I have a love/hate relationship with you for saying Tyra's pits looked like vaginas! With visuals no less. Hidamnlarious!

[Chris]

It looks a lot like they're pledging a sorority. I pledged a frat, and we always heard the girls were way meaner than the dudes (shivers).

[Foxy]

Lisa knows the most about fashion - so she will lose. Nik and Nicole in the finals.

[avi]

how much do i love your recaps? 10 out of 10 armpit vaginas! i must dish. if tyra could have the house full of all tyras she would. ego extreme. but with her it works somehow. i still say jayla's "evil" is completely fake because she knows her confessionals will air that way. everything she says is entirely baseless. but if it is real, i'll break that bitch's pinky. i guess they thought kyle peaked, but i disagree. she was great in the collagen lip shot. her eyes really connect. they are not liking nik and i think they are grooming nicole for a breakthrough shot and will seriously crown her. lisa does have real shot at top 2 but i seriously still think it will be nik and nicole top 2, with nicole as winner. please let bre and kim beat jayla. please.

Notice how Nigel looks away when Tyra roars. He mt be so annoyed with her (me too!) She doesn't seem to take his opnions into consideration when making the cuts.

[Quel]

Thanks for putting that image of Tyra's armpit crease in my mind. Now, I'm not gonna be able to look at anybody's armpits without analyzing their potential similarities to you know what.

I thought it was Bre's time to go to. Lisa'a always been in my top two, but I actually think she's gonna win. She's too good at everything she does. Nik is beautiful, but she's empty. Not "relatable", which is what Cover Girl is looking for. At this point in the show, we don't know anything about Nik's life, and do we really want to? Lisa is intriguing...and talented, which goes a long way.

LOVE THIS BLOG!

[terri]

ok, the armpit to vagina equation, too much. man, you are totally hilarious. and i missed some recap on miss j as well. i'm thinking it could be a lisa and bre match-up. i looooovvve bre but she does need to stop being so nonchalant about this. she does kinda have the "i'm pretty and that's all i need" attitude, but the personality and looks rock, unlike lisa, she's such a hag...

[summer]

long time reader, first time poster. your recap this week was actually way more interesting than the show, which was way to drama-free. but how, oh how, could you not include Miss J and the new hairdo pics? props to you: you completely rock, because you have a fan base now, and you fail to disappoint us week after week. way to handle the pressure, man!!

[rachel]

Does anyone know where I could find the black-and-white pictures online?

[LJ USA]

Can someone make an RSS feed for this great blog?

[heygirrrl]

ummmmmmmmmm wtf everybody!?!?!?! why has NOONE mentioned nick's PANTS AROUND HER ANKLES FOR THE ENTIRE OBSTACLE COURSE?!?!?!? we had to rewind and watch that shid 3 or 4 more times!!! that made the episode for me, it made me shed a few laughter tears and cough up a lung.

is it just me or do they seem to be kicking girls off for the most mundane reasons EVER this season!?!? kyle should have at least been there in the last 4. jeeez, tyra sucks ass. her and her vagina pits!!

[Steph]

**Good point** I totally forgot that mess w/ Nik and her pants falling down... she's kind of an exhibitionist though.... I think she likes being 'nek-ed' so long as her Momma approves that is...

[antm crazzziieee]

I actually like Nik. She's talented and really pretty too. I think it'll be her and Bre in the top 2.

[Michael]

Kyle is so sexy and Bre should have went home. You need to stop talking about Kyle cause you just acting like a little B!*#$.