Another cycle, another eliminated plus-sized girl who never ever ever had a chance of winning this shit. But don't cry for Diane or her useless curves -- as much as she was strung along, she strung us along with her potentially bold look recoiling at the camera's every flash. Diane wasn't a model, she was a gremlin. Go bye bye, Chief Biggum.
In better news: tears. Tears from a girl beat down by cunty, cunty bitches. Tears from she who can dish but cannot take. Tears from crossed-eyes. Tears from . . .
Y'know how some people look so pretty when they cry? No you don't, stop lying.
Diane cried (the first time) because her breasts were bound too tight for a photo in which she was to portray a woman with a breast reduction. I think some of Kim's gender confusion rubbed off.
Do we talk about Bre being in the Bottom 2 now? Yes we do. Holy fuck. But the thing is that I know Bre probably isn't going to win (I'ma call it right now and say the Top 2 will come down to Kyle and Nik). While I'd be more than happy to run Bre's campaign for Queen of the World, while she's my favorite ANTM contestant of all time, and while I'd gladly impregnate her tonight, I know she's not exactly a great enough model by the show's standard (or mediocre enough by, y'know, the real standard) to really own this thing. Oh, my Bre. Let's make the most of the time we have left.
Still, this week woulda been too soon. That wasn't cool. And you know as soon as it was clear that it was going to be down to Bre and Diane, my bf was on the couch next to me, all, "She's going home, she's going home, she's going home." That made me cry.
I don't need to be convinced. I just need to see wiping.
Bubble eyes overflow.
And now, Tyra tests out her impersonation skills in the Tyraism of the Week. Tyra said this to Bre after Bre merely suggested that a constant barrage of criticism could maybe possibly sorta make someone feel a little bit bad about themselves (the ever-perfect Bre reasoned aloud, "You gotta know who you are when you come in here"). Instead of seeing level-headedness, Tygra took the opportunity to pounce.
"Imagine watching television with your friends, and you're famous. And you're walking down the red carpet and Joan Rivers says, 'Bre, she looks like a piece of crap.' Then you pick up the paper next day and you're on the cover: WORST DRESSED OF THE YEAR. When you enter the real world of fame and supermodels, there's millions of people cutting you down everyday. There are chatrooms dedicated to the I Hate Bre fanclub."
First of all, great, great Joan impersonation, Tyra. Really. You are a treasure. Secondly: Ah yes, the "real" ""world"" of fame and supermodels, in which newspapers run front-page items on models, haters start fanclubs and Joan Rivers strings together coherent sentences.
I really believe that Twiggy is a nice person. She's honest, open and reasonable and therefore has no business being on this show. Especially when Janice Dickinson's presence serves as a reminder of how wonderful the judging segment used to be and how snoozy it is now. Twiggy said nice things about Bre during judging, though, so y'know, respect with a little, little "r" (respect). Whatever, she's boring. I'll keep saying it until I get my Janice back and if that never happens, I'll keep saying it forever. Twiggy is boring. Twiggy is boring. Twiggy is boring.
She actually said to Nigel: "I may look like a quiet, little English girl, but I'm not." PROVE IT, BITCH.
And here's what's left:
1. Hot damn this show is lezzie!
Bre's pretty big on fondling.
Like, really big on it.
Of course, the involvement of Janice "All Supermodels Are Lesbians" Dickinson did not help matters.
After all the hot girl-on-girl action, I bet you could use a shower. Or perhaps, a massage?
This shit is turning me into a lesbian! I would totally tap Jayla's prosthetic ass!
2. I'm weirded-out to report that Coryn actually looked quite lovely throughout the episode.
I guess finding her totally hot means I'm gay all over again, huh? Sorry, Jayla.
3. Nigel is so full of shit.
Yeah, I know I keep talking about Bre Bre Bre, but seriously, Nigel is so arbitrary. Here is what he said about Bre last week: "I love the personality with Bre, but I'm not getting it in the pictures." And here is what he said this week: "Bring this look and all these different things you're doing in these photographs, bring them to judging. I wanna see the model in front of me." Wow, those critiques seem damn near diametrically opposed. Because clearly, in one week, you can go from being all personality to none. I guess it's true: you're either in, or you're out.
Shut up, Nigel.
But I still be lustin' after you. Especially the old you.
4. Did I mention that, much like Jesus, Bre is awesome? She is totally the reason for the season.
OMG, me too!!!
Also, this week's Breism: "This [show] is somethin' I wanna do, so at least by the time I'm 25, I'll have a comfortable, household name." Love. Soft as an easy chair.
In all y'all tall bitches' face!
5. I often ponder just what makes me love this damn show so much. I think it's the unabashed superficiality mixed with the mission to degrade as many insecure young women as possible. Like, for example, when an ENTIRE EPISODE is based around the girls' flaws. Haha, that's what the bitches get for being so pretty.
Here are "flaws" the girls were sort of assigned (by themselves and the critiques of their competitors), and how they attempted to both flaunt and hide these flaws in a weird non-photo-shoot photo shoot challenge. I don't even need to point out how ridiculous each flaw assignment is individually, right?
Kyle won this challenge, btw. Oh, and on her outit Kim, compared herself to '90s literary favorite Waldo.
6. Bitches are ruthless! Finally! Kim and Coryn did lots and lots of shit talking on Lisa. Yeah, Lisa's annoying, one of those people who thinks being honest gives you the right to be tactless, but I actually started to feel bad for her. And then she cried, boosted the count and I felt good again. But anyway, I witnessed no fewer than four Lisa-bashing episodes. Check it:
Coryn: What's up with her? She just irritates the hell outta me.
Kim: Not that I disagree with you, but, what is it that, like, you dislike?
Coryn: She constantly rips people down . . .
Background voice: Yeah!
Coryn: . . . but makes herself, y'know, out to be this good person and whatever.
Kim: I just find a lot of what she says hypocritical . . .
(A chorus of "yeah"s)
Kim: . . . y'know? Or, like, she's giving advice one way and then I see her doing the same thing. That bothers me.
Coryn: I like Bre.
Kim: Like you guys [Coryn and Kyle] and her are, like, my three favorites.
Coryn: Yeah, mine too. I don't really like anybody else. Lisa, hell no.
Kim: Well, Lisa just, like, decides to, like, randomly take charge of things, and I'm like, 'What are you doing?'" Like, you have no idea how to take charge.
Coryn: I'm too toned. I'm too thin, but yet, you can see her ribs and you can't even see mine.
Kim: Dude, she's just really jealous.
Coryn: She looks so old, doesn't she? I guess it might be from the alcohol or it might be from the sun exposure.
Kim: I just don't like her.
Kim: I am so excited that they're giving Lisa a [fake] facelift [in the photoshoot] because she looks too old.
Jayla: You know she's gonna need one in, like, six months.
Kim: She's a year and a half older than me. When I'm a year and a half older than this I'm not gonna look that old.
Janice: (Directing) No, not like you're drunk.
Kim: It's so natural for her to be like that, drunk. Alcoholic!
Janice: Any remarks from the sidelines is nothing but jealous. This girl's a star.
7. Speaking of that, what was up with Janice being so nice, anyway? Actually, I know exactly what was up -- she knows this show thrives on nastiness. Janice does not want to see ANTM do well without her so by encouraging girls to be "sisters" to the model sitting next to them, she's bringing this shit down from the inside. Bringing it down, while her face stays lifted.
I'll say it as often as I say "Twiggy is boring": Janice is missed.
8. Why is there framed lingerie on the confessional wall?
9. Last week, Kyrie requested shots of Jayla's new 'do, while Jeremy wanted Miss. Jay in the final photos. I present these with a tingle -- I don't know if it's love or an extra little pang of carpal tunnel from these extra assignments.
10. This week's My Life as a Covergirl went something like, "I went on a go-see. The end."
A go-see is when you go and see yourself out of any potential modeling career because you appeared on this damn, damning and utterly brilliant show.