Good riddance! In what was effectively this year's double-elimination episode (more on the first loser in a sec), duck-billed lickapuss Sarah was booted. Big deal. Quackalingus totally fucked up tonight by not crying during her mid-episode sexual confusion (she and Kim got it on, even though she has a boyfriend and later, she lied through her bill to him about not having any "curiosity"). If you can't bring the despair, you are useless.
Missed . . .
. . . opportunity!
She totally woulda been first on this week's Crying Count, too, the lazy bitch. So instead, we get an old favorite kicking things off . . .
In a case of hair-today-gone-after-Jay-Manuel-throws-you-off-"his"-set, Cassandra effectively booted herself when she refused further chopping. But not before much more whining and, of course, crying (as pictured above). Apparently Cassandra wanted to stay with last week's chop job, which Television Without Pity genius recapper Potes describes as giving Cass the effect of: "your crazy aunt from the trailer park who always talks about how she was homecoming queen in 1982 and just took a job at the 7-11 so she could get a discount on Marlboros. In other words, Cassandra looks like a vision of her own future. And like popular 1980s country singer Lorrie Morgan. And, as many a forum poster has pointed out, Roxette." Brilliant, but I'd like to throw some zombie into the equation.
Anyway, in her parting interview, she said she was aspiring to Miss USA -- at least she's wise enough to aim low.
Finally! But, like last week's eliminated contestant, Ebony, this was another too-little-too-late thing. If you want to stick around, turn on the 'works.
A reliable crier, Kyle is one to watch. Expect her to stick around for a while.
And that's it! This is some paltry shit. Not even the aforementioned (and to-be-explored) dyke drama could ring out the tears.
Tyraism of the Week
Ha, she said, "wind." Also? I might like the reprise more (she told it to big-haired Nik):
I really hope that Nik gets elected president of the Wind in the Hair Club for Models.
And now, bloody Twiggy . . .
Yeah, that's right, Twiggy sucks. I don't care that she admitted that her ears are big -- I'm not trying to think, "Oh, Twig, how down-to-earth. How around-the-way. How ghet-to." She is full of nonsense. On Nicole, she said, "She's got that period, old-painting thing." The picture that inspired Twig to spout that was this:
Even worse was when Twig attacked the untouchable Bre's walk, which everyone else agreed ruled. She said Bre had "horse legs" and that her walk was "horsey." Oh, so she's wrong and of limited vocabulary. Shut up, just shut up shut up, Twig. Bre is the queen of the world. And for that, she's kicking off this week's remainders.
1. How do I love Bre? Let me count the ways . . .
a. The busy-body snark:
"Modelin' isn't something Kim knows well. So, you stick to what you know. You know girls, you know you like 'em and you know you're good at gettin' 'em."
b. The delusions of glamor:
"So I go on and I'm lovin' it. I'm feelin' the atmosphere. I’m Dorothy Dandridge and nobody can tell me differently."
c. The delusions of grandeur:
On winning the walking challenge: "I'm the winner, I won somethin'. Finally. It was so long overdue."
That's her in the middle, just seconds before winning. She knew she rocked it.
e. The gory honesty:
On the challenge's caviar-dinner prize: "I wanna be respectful, but I wanna throw up."
f. The spiritual core:
"God gives us our first instincts. Don't go against Him."
g. Her ANTM savvy:
She raised her hand highest when Tyra asked who remembered Camille from Cycle 2, and then quoted Camille's famous "signature walk" diatribe, almost verbatim.
h. Her camp twist:
"My weave is sweatin'. I gotta go."
In sum, Bre is the best person to have ever lived.
2. Designer Sue Wong, though, gives Bre a run for her money.
Cunty-by-nature Sue brought deadpan hilarity as this episode's challenge administrator and guest judge. While directing girls on the runway, she said things like, "You're an exotic Mongolian princess" and "You're going too Egyptian on me." During judging, she pronounced "androgyny" with a hard-"G" sound.
As though her awesomeness could get any awesomer, she picked Bre to win the challenge and even mocked the losers. I like to think she was giving the Crying Count a shout.
3. Do you think J. Alexander might be gay?
I can't tell.
4. Is this mod?
6. Can someone tell Tyra that functionality does not equal fierceness? Make the girls ditch the airbrushed shirts, which are at least as out as J.Lo sweatsuits.
7. Sarah and Kim: light and shadow. Theirs was not an evil relationship, but evil did come because of it.
Hot lesbian action in the bottom right:
Both ended up in the bottom two. Punishment for their sins!
A final embrace:
8. Just to put this competition into perspective, this is what the girls are aspiring to:
9. Tyra is a whirlwind of cross-marketing, and so, she's added a new segment to her talk show:
What I'm understanding is that every week, she have last week's eliminated contestant or "booty" (ha!) on.
"She's available!" says Tyra of Ebony.
10. Tyra to Jayla at elimination: "Congratulations for being called first. You know what that means, you did a damn good job this week." Oh, that's what it means? For the first time in five cycles, what we've always suspected has been verbalized. Thanks, Ty Ty. And double thanks for making it a chance for Jayla to put on her anime eyes.
11. The moral of the story (and, apparently today's The Tyra Banks Show in which Tyra will confront her porn star doppelganger, Tyra Banxxx):
You can't out-hoochie Tyra. Don't even try, and certainly, don't get it twisted.