Bitches, stop your whining! That finale was brilliant. Who cares if there was no elimination? That means more episodes of this shit! I know that Tyra's constantly manipulating us with her gimmicks and ploys, but god, I'll be a puppet for her any day of the week. I love the way she strings me along. Especially when that involves freaking out, Jennifer Holiday style (good call, Fresh). Clearly, she's pledged allegiance to great programming.
Best of all, the slight of hand had no impact on the crying bitches! This was the cryingest episode in weeks. The first name I'm going to call is . . .
Kim mourns bff Kyle's departure. OMG! Gays have feelings! Who knew?
But seriously, did you really think that Kim had feelings?
During an audition with bitchfaced, cold Medina . . .
. . . Lisa pulled out all the stops and, of course, out rushed the tears. This kind of opportunism can be called the ugly side of looking weird.
The first to be called at panel was the first to cry. Bre is a tough cookie with a soft, creamy middle. This is awesome.
Started when Tyra misled her into thinking that she'd be going home with Nicole in a double-elimination. I wish I could say she cried alone, but . . .
. . . got all torn up all over again. Creamy.
In the single most hilarious crying instance this cycle so far, an incredulous Nicole took a while to get over the shock of being almost eliminated. She wept through the parade sequence, as though she couldn't get a grip on the fact that Tyra deceived her. Welcome to UPN, bitch!
But seriously, she really kept it up . . .
. . . Tyra had to bump the sadness out.
Oh, that Tyra. So full of greatness, but surprisingly, not so quotable. Here's the slightly lackluster Tyraism of the Week:
"Give us strong faces, but not so strong that they turn into oogly faces."
I chose this for two reasons: she called Lisa "oogly" and so that I could spotlight the genius that Tyra's face provided just before she rattled this one off:
Y'know, I'm not trying to overuse the animated gif thing, but as long as Tyra isn't holding back, neither am I.
And now the Twig:
Over. Twiggy. She would have had the same rating as last week, except I thought she said something smart about Nik's photo ("We've got three men in women's clothing, but my eyes go to her"). Whatever, I'm ready for her to get all "and here's the street where my toothless, non-aristocratic ass slept and pissed" next week when we're on her home turf of London. Ever so excited!
1. Let's talk about Lisa, OK? As much as I hate the person who gets all monkey at me, jumping up and down and demanding my attention, I can't ignore her. She is a force. Here's a run-through of the few faces of Lisa.
"Eat a cookie!" was her advice to the other girls on how to chill out. Ah yes, the teaches of Lisa. She said this while looking something like electroclash maven Peaches. You know Jayla was all, "OMG, I love your outfit. I'll trade you a nightlight for it."
Lisa was so jealous of the attention Steve-O gave Nicole that she peed herself. She was wearing a diaper, but still, she wasn't even drunk.
Maybe it's just that she's getting to be incontinent in her old age.
The best thing to come out of this was Bre's rant:
"No woman of class, especially a supermodel in the making, is gonna do something as disgusting as pee on herself at her job." Ha! "Woman of class."
Uh, see "The good" entry, actually.
The . . . uh, disabled?
When Tyra pointed out Lisa's oogly tendencies (as looping above), Lisa shot back with more oogliness. In this case, I think she was channeling Geri Jewell (who kind of shares a tree with Peaches, come to think of it):
And, by the way, why didn't anyone tell me that Geri was on Deadwood?!?
2. Ah yes, those kooky, crazy Wildboyz. Whatever, I dug the oil-in-water factor: the best thing Steve-O did was throw Kim in the pool while she was still dressed for her photo shoot.
It's not that I enjoy seeing Kim wet, it's that I love hearing Jay Manuel fag out about that outfit!!!!
And speaking of the 'boyz, I could smell them from here! And that's kind of a compliment, as what's wafting is the pheromones -- they're sort of inexplicably sexy, aren't they?
I love Steve-O's butt cleavage here:
And I enjoy Pontius' ass wherever:
But I'm not into Wee Man. Stop calling me racist.
3. And speaking of Jay, you know he has no idea what his shirt is referring to.
He's all, "Is Bel Ami a city?" Love that it's tie dyed to look like come splatter, though. Great touch!
Eva might be the "most successful" ANTM winner if you consider that her forte is being annoying. She addressed the girls about the importance of having an entourage (even though hers had like three people in it, one of whom was her cousin), all the while throwing out bits of extremely original and useful information like, "You are a commodity now. You are a brand," and "Use your window of opportunity and parlay that into what you want to do." Especially if what you want to do is Missy.
Then, she abruptly excused the girls and sent them off with this.
No, it really isn't.
5. Oh, and the "entourage" diatribe led to a challenge that involved the girls being dressed and made up by total strangers who also assisted them in the making of biographical collages.
How . . . remedial.
6. As odd as it was, Eva did bring out something juicy: Nik's bicuriosity. Her too?
She was lustin' with Kim over Eva!
Eva somehow didn't fall prey to Kim's charms (at least, they didn't show it), but Kristen Bell of Veronica Mars did:
Quite a gaze, I think. She was like, "Let me know if you want to rehearse." Rehearsing is natural, rehearsing is fun, rehearsing is best when it's GIRL ON GIRL.
7. Kim might be a bitch magnet, but Bre is the house's true seductress. Listen to her impromptu chocolate commerical.
Sexual chocolate for real! Brilliant tag line. She gets right to the point.
And just for fun (not because I need to prove how much more awesome Bre is), compare hers with Nik's botch job.
It's . . . it's . . . wack.
candycorn, this one's for you:
And Jayla fans, this one's for you:
9. Naima's My Life as a Coulda Woulda Shoulda this week focused on her Veronica Mars appearance. Naima described Mars as a "drama hit," which is about as accurate as calling her a "top model."
10. This fucking show! I'm spent and deflated like the sex dolls Tyra emulates so well.
How is it that she knows so much about this stuff, anyway?