I'm shocked, you're shocked, Lisa's shocked. Her elimination is most disheartening because Lisa played the game so well (I wish I could insert some sports analogy or Yogi Bera-ism, but alas, I enjoy penis too much to have had time to amass such knowledge). She played ANTM too well to land outside the Top 3. Her pictures were so consistent that this week's episode was the first time ever she landed in the Bottom 2. That's quite a batting average or RBI thingie or yards ran or however you say it.
To illustrate the absurdity, I'm going to get the Tyraism of the Week earlier than usual. Hear the shit flow out of TyTy here. Really, I've been waiting for an excuse to use a Bottom 2 speech as the Tyraism of the Week because they're so consistently serpentine in logic. This example is snakelike to the point that if it were sketched out, it'd resemble QBert's nemesis Coily:
"Lisa: Lisa's the spunky girl. The girl with so much energy. The girl with so much fire. The girl that takes gorgeous photographs. But some of the judges are put off by your fire. Some of them think it's cocky. Some of them are like, 'It's great, but it's too much.' Jayla: The judges think you take nice photos. The judges think you have a nice personality. But they're not super convinced that you can take it all the way. So who goes home, the girl that's the spitfire or the girl that's straddling the line, that's kinda mediocre? (Reveals Jayla's picture) Jayla . . . "
There was another girl who was kicked off this show for that exact same spitfire. A girl who was free with her body and its functions. A girl whose every move was one of equal fierceness and oogliness. That girl's name was Janice Dickinson.
It's OK, Lisa: this week, all the tears are dedicated to you.
A hangover from last week's You and You and You (Are Not Eliminated) Festival.
Wept after receiving a video message from her blurry-ass boyfriend (you know I'm for real, since if he weren't so hard to see, I'd be all over a screen shot of him, with either lust or ridicule). I think she forgot how it was to be liked.
Forgot, indeed! In the wake of Bre and Nik's confrontation with Kim (about talking shit and born of talking shit!), Jayla piped up and shared her outrage over being talked about.
Next episode, Jayla takes on the dark and Nik shoves a night light up her ass.
Broke down during the aforementioned confrontation because nothing goes with drama like drama.
Did her best not-gon'-cry routine after elimination, but not even Lisa could help being overcome. Can you blame her? I mean, she was Tyra's lover and her secretary. Eleven years!
And now this one:
Yes!: "Bre's really gone up in my estimation because the last few photographs she's done, I mean, look at her. She's absolutely beautiful. She's turned me around."
Shut up!: "When I was modeling, there weren't these magazines, but now there are magazines that only picture bad photographs."
It's a draw, I think. A skinny, boring, British draw. But she is right about absolute beauty:
1. Today I celebrate my lu-huv for Bre.
She's the sassiest. I know she's verging on judgmental, but between the rascal, sandpaper voice and babydoll cuteness, she does chickenheads right.
(Edit: Check out Fresh's Bre-to-Whitney comparison. Even more of a reason for the Bre obsession!)
Oh, and Bre's very wise. Here she is on this week's photo shoot, in which all the girls were stuffed in a tiny phone booth at the same time:
"Even though we a lotta pretty girls, a lotta pretty girls don't use deodorant. And I wanna know the pretty girl that thought it was cute to pass gas in that little box. I coulda just died in that little box. Just died!"
Would you be mine, could you be mine, won't you be my beard, girl?
2. That love registered, I gotta be fair with my observations: there's no way Bre should have won the passport photo challenge. She looks like some kinda cartoon baby dinosaur in her photo!
I think virtually everyone's was better than Bre's, but it was her turn to win. This cycle, I really feel like the challenges and praising at panel are being manipulated to make the final outcome as difficult to predict as possible (that's why Lisa's first trip to the Bottom 2 was able to turn fatal). Just an observation, not a joke. Not even a complaint -- I'm happy to be strung along. I just need to make it known that I'm onto this shit.
3. Loving Lisa as I do, I found this difficult to refute:
It's true . . .
again . . .
and again . . .
and again . . .
and again . . .
and again . . .
Even though she's weird-looking (but so are a lot of models!), she looked kinda hot later Wednesday night, when she appeared on UPN news to talk about being booted.
4. Further adventures in shit-talking:
Kim (with minor help from Nicole) gave a run down on all the girls (except Bre) that was kinda, uh, dead-on.
Nik: "sane, but a little boring"
Jayla: "ugly, annoying, bad-joke deliverer"
5. Pack your flags, y'all:
6. What is this look, Inspector Gay-dget?
7. Model Jenny Shimizu visited the house, essentially to reaffirm the show's practice of pigeon-holing the girls into characters with just a facet or two. Quoth Jenny: "My big story is that I'm a minority, I am 5'7", I have a lot of tattoos, and I'm a gay model." It's nice when you're so full of life that you can summarize yourself in eight seconds. At least, Kim thought so.
Why didn't Jenny include the fact that she turned 50 virtually overnight?
That's notable, right?
8. Say what you will about Nicole -- she's kind of adorable sometimes.
I mean, she's super-Seussical here.
9. I buried this one because I wouldn't want a casual glance to put my beloved show in jeopardy (and you know the FCC has no kind of endurance). But look what slipped by the censors (admittedly, it was on screen for a split second) in the Lisa Mail at the show's end:
I like to think that she ended it ". . . is not my thing, what with the necessary literacy, and all."
10. Is it a coincidence that Miss J showed up wearing a "Naomi hit me" shirt . . .
. . . the same week that this is going down on Tyra's other show:
That shit's today and I can't fucking wait! I hope it's recap-worthy.
Oh, and since I don't want any hounding, here's J's messy ass at panel:
Besides, I figure he's as good a punctuation mark as any.