Is there anything more novel than pseudo-new wave done by Blair fucking Warner? Why yes, there is: pseudo-new wave done by Blair fucking Warner on an otherwise all-Contemporary Christian album! Released in 1984, the Grammy-nominated (lauded!) All Because of You is a sea of capitalized "Him"s and "You"s, a plea for prayer and naïveté ("I'm aware -- obedience / Can be hard -- seem unfair / Don't ask why -- obedience / Why waste time -- time can fly," goes Blair). It's all very rich coming from a woman who played a character that was among the cuntiest to be accompanied by a laugh track -- maybe this was Whelchel's self-inflicted penance for laying down the template on how to be the bitch to children of the '80s?
Above everything, All Because of You is my best vinyl find in recent memory -- $1 for a mint copy with the lyric sheet insert! I treasure it mostly because of the splendor of "Good Girl." While God isn't mentioned directly in "Good Girl," the song keeps with the album's value-centric theme by flinging judgment like a sprinkler pumped with holy water. This righteously vague gem is the musical equivalent of looking down glasses with crossed eyes. If you didn't catch all the sanctimoniousness, read the words. And then wonder to yourself, "What the fuck is this bitch's problem?"
This bitch, as in, the central character, who wrestles with temptations like makeup and having friends. Who reads Seventeen with her feet and carries around pantyhose in trash bags. Who befriends kids with hitchhiking tendencies and who sports large, light- (yes, that kind) blocking sunglasses. Whose climax (no, not that kind) comes as a result of a speeding ticket. Naughty!
Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck this song is about. How is the character worse off after giving into her demons, when she's introduced to us as freshman in high school who's almost 16, wearing children's apparel and going by the nickname "Little Princess"? Is this song really saying that being ambiguously retarded is better than being social and presentable? Why be a good girl, indeed.
Besides Whelchel's bratty delivery (Kathleen Hanna better respect!), my favorite part of this song is the line about the good girl/not good girl needing a "love without condition." The only way her teenage ass is going to find that is by getting knocked up! It's God's way!