Way to go, Tyra, with that final episode of ANTM Cycle 5.
What kind of shady shit was it to be all like, "Oh, come watch my reunion show" . . .
. . . only for it to be an episode of The Tyra Banks Show when it came back from the first break!
Duped! I told you that she's very, very devilish.
Although really, I don't ever have to be fooled to watch The Tyra Banks Show. But that's just me.
Anyway, format was far from the biggest problem -- really, even though it was a cheap don't-forget-about-my-day-job reminder from Tyra, it kinda made sense to have all the girls on the same stage together and if it had to be on her talk show set, fine. The worst thing was how boring that shit was!
Bored all around!
Anyway, there's very little to report or make fun of here (for once) -- the show mostly consisted of Tyra asking the girls things we already knew ("Are you cool now, Lisa and Coryn?" Yeah, they're cool, as we found out during that damn clips show you made us watch). But just in case you missed it, here's a look at how all the girls turned out:
She's actually hot! Who knew?
The shade of eyeshadow? Child Whore.
We'll get to her again in a second, but as bratty as she was, I think she was right about her hair. Also, she suddenly reminds me of one of my favorite people in the world from high school (Carly Lefferson, you're my hero, if y'know, you're still alive!). So now I love Cassandra.
Duck, duck . . . lez?
Still not jolly enough!
After a brief stop at pretty, Coryn got right back on the bus to confusing. May the penis rumors never die!
The girl who was perhaps robbed the most looked the best post-show. Justice!
Lisa's . . .
. . . still Lisa. Stay gold, Peepeegirl.
I know she probably attributes the fact that her appearance hasn't changed to her inherent boyishness. But it's a good look!
If you don't watch out, Jayla will molest you. So will her teeth.
I think God probably likes sophisticated, so she's good.
Her bubble may have burst, but her bubble eyes did not.
I'm still not convinced.
Her tongue is planning its escape.
Also, when she walked out and did this . . .
. . . just, ugh. I see a child playing dress up (and not a child who looks like connected toothpicks strung out on horse, as per the industry standard).
But whatever, Tyra apparently sees "high fashion" in her. Thanks to a snatch (and I mean snatch!) of red carpet footage from the finale party, we get a bonus Tyraism of the Week! Listen!
"She's a pure model. And that's what we wanted this year."
Is she saying that Nicole is a virgin? Is she admitting that the show has been a sham up to this point and little, couture-ish Nicole is her only hope for redemption? This show isn't called America's Next Pure Model, TyTy!
Oh, so what did we learn from talking to the girls post-show? Like nothing.
Well, maybe, like, three things.
Ashley's engaged to this guy . . .
. . . she must be Diane to his Woody.
Cassandra took us through her journey of self-rediscovery via extensions.
This is what she said she was looking for. How sassy. Aunt Sassy.
And Nicole is getting to shoot with Gilles Bensimon again for a six-page couture spread in Elle. He liked her "so much" that he requested this. But does he like her like her?
Meanwhile, since she was on what can only be described as her home turf, it was business as usual for Tyra and her face.
Finally, there was a teaser promo for Cycle 6. The theme is "transformation" and I'm really, really, really hoping that this means either deformities all around or penises that need to be lopped off. America's Next Pure Model Tranny might make my head explode!
Oh, and as far as working with the Crying Count numbers . . . yeah, I didn't do shit for that. But someone else did! A reader by the name of Toho crunched and crunched and sent me a spreadsheet of all kinds of crying averages (per episode, per girl). Take a look.
Basically, Kim was the driest (surprise!) and Bre was the biggest cryer with an average of one time per episode. Thas my girl!
Anyway, if you've read this far: thanks! Sharing what I love about this show has been so much fun. It feels awesome to be encouraged to spew my nonsense -- and here, I thought I was failing in life. So yeah, thanks for making like good cult around one of the few pieces of current pop culture campy enough to deserve such reverence. You all make me feel mighty real!
And if, like me, you're feeling sad about the end of the cycle, don't cry. Instead, eat a cookie.