Tyra, how could you pick Nicole? Are you blind?
Yeah, that's what I thought. That's why you got a Cinnabon on your head.
But for real: now that the dust is settling (nobody say "exotic!"), I hope people can see that Um, ew. was just disappointment as hyperbole (and if you couldn't tell, I'd cringe to hear your interpretation of any of the other nonsense that goes down on this blog each retarded day). Yeah, Nik was robbed, and yeah, probably for icky-ish racial-ish reasons. But there are reasons beyond the black-girl turkey (three strikes!) that make Nicole kind of a no-brainer winner. Again (like always!) Potes at Television Without Pity does a great job of breaking it down:
Then, for a change of pace, the judges pick a winner who actually makes sense. Yes, get out your bug spray, the locusts are coming. Nicole is tall, pretty, photogenic, relatively young, and the newest America's Next Top Model.
Also, she's reaaaaally fuckable:
Regardless, I have to reiterate that this show is 90 percent means and 10 percent end. Honestly, as much as I like the competitive aspect, the idea that this thing has a winner doesn't hold a candle to the drama, cuntiness, diseases, sob stories, mispronounced words, misguided dancing, eating disorders, drag-queen costumes, drag-queen makeup, actual drag queens, gender crises, illegitimate children at home, tears and overall fierceness that make America's Next Top Model the best fucking show that I've been lucky to completely and utterly fag out over.
In fact, I almost like the fact that this resulted in an upset. It kept me on my toes and made for such a drama-queen ending. Well played, Tyra!
And, if nothing else, Nicole's My Life as a Cover Girl segments will be better than Naima's. That's what really matters. I hope at least one is devoted to her inevitable bedroom romp with a Jackass affiliate. A hint, Nicole: I know you dig Steve-O, but doing Chris Pontius will only get your segments more coverage on this blog. Just something to think about.
But, wow. It's over. I feel really empty. It makes me want to cry. Or at least watch others do so.
Told ya she was fuckable.
Right before the fashion show, Tyra was all like, "Come, sit . . ."
. . . this is your last chance to . . ." CRY!
Finally, the elusive one-on-one!
She told of how she overcame adversity or the Midwest or her gigantic teeth or something.
70. & 71. Nik and Nicole
Nik started crying right before panel began the final deliberation. Not to be outdone, Nicole got all teary and whiny, too. Just keeping things on equal ground. Again: well played.
She started again just before Nicole was revealed as the winner. It was as though she knew. She's a special, special girl.
But not as special as Tyra. Please take the time to marvel at the eloquence exhibited in Cycle 5's final Tyraism of the Week. Move over, Nikki Giovanni!
"The one thing that I would suggest that you do in a commercial, especially for Cover Girl, is to be a little bit more cheeky . . .
. . . [to Nigel] that's what you guys call it over here. Like, 'Your skin . . .
. . . blend in . . .
. . . OK . . .
. . . duh duh duh.'"
What will we do without her advice? Every week, I rely on TyTy to teach me how to act. I'll remember "duh duh duh" next time I'm trying to get cheeky, but what if I need to turn it up a notch to saucy? Then what???
Ah, Tyra. I love that woman inside and out.
More things I love:
Yeah, I'm doing better coping with the whole 2nd place thing, but just for a final round of mourning, I've compiled some shots illustrating the hot box that she is. I know she's probably gay, but y'know, two wrongs can make a right, so Nik, if you're ever in Brooklyn . . .
Heh. You knew I couldn't pay tribute to someone without making fun of them.
Nik was also Thursday's Hot Slut of the Day at Dlisted. Who needs America's Next Top Model when you have a title like that?
2. Or tits like this:
Did I imagine Twiggy calling her walk "jiggly?" I thought I heard it the first time I watched the episode, but then I didn't hear it again in subsequent viewings. Regardless, she or the figment of my imagination was right (I know she called Nik "bouncy" -- right again, or maybe for the first time).
On a related note: is this show making me straight?
3. Aren't I forgetting someone? Oh right. Bre. My first love.
I really thought for a second that when she was booted, she was gonna be all, "I'm 'bout to take my heels off, get me some Vaseline . . ."
But no, no backdown/smackdown rhymes were to be had. When she was kicked off, she actually did that '80s sexy library, take-off-glasses-and-viola! reveal in reverse.
Back to the NYPL.
Surprisingly gracious in defeat, Bre's final interview illustrated something that's key to her appeal: the ability to make referring to oneself in the third person cute:
Something tells me that this little black girl did not go "Me me me!" all the way home. (Cuz, y'know, "me" = first person. Shut up. I've been doing this for 12 weeks and I'm tired. Ya betta chill.)
4. Just one last word on Bre for all the haters: Early on in the episode, she told us: "I have made America's Next Top Model history. I've been in the Bottom 2 four times!"
I love that she knows that she's the first to accomplish that! I love that she knows this show down to the stats. She is the people's champ. She is one of us.
Or, at least, one of me.
5. One last round of Jay Manuel mocking since his gray-haired ass was all over this episode. First of all:
In the comments of the previous post, is wrote "THEY LOOK LIKE TWINS." Yes, my thoughts exactly:
Second of all, via email, Ian noted Jay Manuel's mock turtleneck.
Good catch! As a response, I have not two words, but a picture:
I've been wanting to do that forever!
I really enjoyed how Nicole blamed fucking up the Cover Girl commercial on the lights distracting her.
From the sidelines, Jay was all, "Go into the light. There is peace and serenity in the light." And then Tangina came and ate him.
7. How exciting was this?
He does exist!
Seeing him was monumental, like when you found out that Snuffleupagus wasn't just Big Bird's imaginary friend, or that Newhart was all a dream. For three long cycles, he's only been a name.
A prize, even.
A total prize. I can see why Tyra adores him.
8. What was up with the fake eyebrows the models wore for the fashion show?
It's not even like they looked real or good onstage. Whatever, if we're getting arbitrary with the eyebrows, I'm giving Eva Divine's from Pink Flamingos. Just cuz.
9. Speaking of irritating previous winners, we all saw Naima's Life as a Cover Girl sort of fizzle.
But don't fret for poor, sad Naima. I think she'll have a wonderful future as a gypsy.
10. When shooting the Cover Girl commerical, Bre remarked, "Don't I look like Tina Turnah?"
Sorry, babe. That distinction belongs to Miss J.
And just so I don't hear anything, here he is at the show:
And here he is at the final panel:
Those captions kinda write themselves. I think.
11. One more shot, cuz I love ya, Tyra:
Like I said in yesterday's comments, I'm going to recap next week's reunion show (we meet again, so soon?), so I'll wait till then to provide my final thoughts on the entire cycle. Maybe I'll do some number crunching with the crying-count data, but I can't promise anything -- this show definitely makes you stupider!