The greatest Christmas story ever told

This year marks the 20th anniversary (and first-ever DVD release) of one of the most important Christmas-themed stories that American pop culture has ever had the privilege of hosting. It is a tale of redemption, belief and the importance of holiday spirit, set in a time that is both the future and past, in a place far from your home, but close to your heart.

I could only be talking about . . .

Because, really, what captures Christmas' commercialism like a 45-minute commercial? Oh right, a 45-minute-commerical with intermittent reminders of its moral consciousness and purpose beyond its commercialism.

He-Man She-Ra: A Christmas Special, tells the story of two Earth children who make their way to He-Man and She-Ra's world of Eternia, thanks to He-Man's sidekick/fuck-up Orko, who's drawn without a mouth or feet to make things easier for the animators (that's not a joke, but a factoid revealed in one of the disc's wonderfully informative special-feature documentaries).

The children Orko befriends after crashing on Earth are named Miguel and Alicia:

. . . whom I guess are supposed to be Latino, judging by their names and the mustache on their father . . .

But, Jesus! Alicia is so Aryan, the blue of her eyes could only be described as "Prussian."

Regardless of her racial agenda, Alicia and Miguel school Orko on Christmas in a four-part dialogue that goes something like:

Part 1: Christmas is for presents! Yay!

Part 2: Christmas isn't just about presents. Angels, peace, goodwill, zzzz.

Part 3: Christmas has vague religious associa--presents are fun!!!

Part 4: Christmas is for presents brought by Santa Claus. Yay Santa!

The three then are transported to Eternia and the children bounce around between two groups of He-Man's enemies. They eventually make it home safely, but not before a puppy turns Skeletor out and shows him that sentimentality is the reason for the season.

The entire time, the animators' goal of fitting as many potential toys into a single frame as possible is nothing less than glaring. Get out your tickers, 'cause we're gonna do some counting.

That's three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Nine.

Ten.

At least eleven.

Countless! Like action figures in a toddler's sandbox, these are your characters.

Of course, He-Man and She-Ra aren't just potential presents.

By the end, He-Man takes the role of Santa Claus . . .

. . . and, most thrillingly, because He-Man and She-Ra's birthday (they're twins) falls right around Christmas, their royal parents decide it would be best to celebrate both occasions together. You know what that means? He-Man and She-Ra are Jesus, y'all!

All of this, as another documentary on the DVD (The Holidays and Morals of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe) explains, is in the name of teaching children life lessons. For over 30 minutes, more than a dozen of people who worked on He-Man repeat and repeat and repeat how wonderfully enriching the entire series was. The word "toy" is never mentioned, nor is "action figure" or "tie-in." The phrase "pro-social behavior," however is dropped about every 15 seconds (I stopped counting at 20).

This comes from a very valuable source:

. . . the CEO of Filmation, the company that produced the series. Yeah, no bias or conflict of interest there. This isn't a press release or anything.

But before we get to the ultimate moral of He-Man She-Ra: A Christmas Special (even though [capitalism, capitalism, capitalism] we have already at every turn), I just want to point out how stupid and queer this shit is. And by that I mean awesome.

Brother and sister He-Man and She-Ra clearly want to bang.

She-Ra's power is activated via rainbow sperm.

He-Man engages in bondage.

She-Ra often resembles self-proclaimed "drag queen in a woman's body" Dolly Parton.

The characters unexpectedly break out into song, for which "cloying" would be way too generous of a description.

And finally:

Now, that's a toy.

And so, all of this is wrapped up via an exchange between Orko and He-Man's alter ego, Prince Adam.

He-Man: So that's how Christmas first came to Eternia. Not everyone celebrates Christmas, but the spirit of the Christmas season is within us all. It's a season of love and joy and caring.

Orko: And presents!

He-Man: (Chuckling) Presents are nice, Orko, but Christmas means much more than that.

Orko: I know, Adam. Christmas is a time of peace and caring and happiness.

He-Man: That's right, Orko. And what would make you happiest this Christmas?

Orko: Presents!

He-Man: Oh, Orko!

And that's where it ends, because really, who can argue with that logic?

Comments

[Carly]

Oh my God. For the love of cheese and Christmas, I must get a copy. Must!!! Where do you find these things?!

[nOva]

I love you for this. I was grinning the entire time.

[Lyndsey]

Rich I bow at your feet and pray at the temple of you! Thanks for the blast from the past! I've actually seen this and forgot about how fromage it was!! LOVE IT!

[brandy]

Iam devastated at the fact that I remember watching this on tv.
My friend had Skeletors castle that had a microphone that made your voice all scary!

She has almost all of those toys.

[gayest neil]

Did everyone see Lookie in Rich's recap? (Lookie was the critter that was always hidden during the episodes of She-Ra.)

[duane]

I LOVE it! This makes me want to run out and buy this DVD and EVERY figure of He-Man, and She-Ra that I used to have!!!

Damn, Capitalism and subliminal advertising works!

[gayest neil]

I was totally lustfy of my He-Man toys as a kid. Just look at them (especially Fisto - he's standing next to Snout Spout - the robot elephant lookin' dude).
Woof! Fisto is such a hot-ass muscle bear! He's not really a bear though.

[Joshua]

Think of how many more people would be into facials if sperm came in rainbow sparkles like the kind She-Ra employed!! BUKKAKE!

[debaser]

http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0700/

here is a longer review of this goodness

[Chris]

Rich-

I could just fist you!

[Steph]

Well deck the fucking halls this was ultra funny stuff. I am awkwardly embarrassed considering I was She-Ra for Halloween. I might actually take out the sword and shield; watch the DVD and eat chocolate ice cream! Ahhh it's disturbing and altogether deliciously wrong to be so capitalistic. I’m going to go make myself vomit now. excuse me. ;^ ) Does anyone know if GOD loves capitolism? Or does God think capitolism is UGLY? Cause a wise woman named Bre once said.... 'God don't like ugly'. .... I wanna stay in the safe zone here this holiday season... Lemmie know when you cats know...

[Noah]

He-Man's harness/Ugg Boot combo is fabulous.

[Ilsa]

Whoa!! Thank you Rich for illustrating the queerness, that is, the absolute awesomeness that is the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special.

*Clicking on netflix.com right now to see if this cinematic classic is currently available!*

[jeremy]

my first sexual feelings were for evil-lyn (or however its spelled) i loved how her suit had the embroidery that snaked around her boobies.
it took gil gerard's exposed chest on an episode of buck rogers to realize how freaking gay i am.
now i write off any sexual attraction to evil-lyn as costume envy.

[Roy]

Can anyone say merry bittorrent and a happy
mininova?

http://www.mininova.org/tor/180550

[Roy]

Oh and by the way I downloaded this a while back myself and it is a perfect copy.

[Kim]

I'll engage in bondage with He-Man. LOL

[kim]

oh man. i really want to see this. I have been on a crazy hunt for the Secret Of The Sword, He-Man/She-ra movie that introduced She-Ra on vhs FOREVER!!! I go into NY porn shops hoping to find it in the crappy video selection they fill the stores with so they can still sell porn.

[dudemanthegreat]

Oh wow. I actually taped this when it first was broadcast -- and I still have the copy. It includes a Fat Albert Christmas, some wannabe-sequal to Snow White (not the Disney version) that was somehow justified as being a Christmas special too, there's Pee Wee's christmas (with Annette Funicillo), and of course, all those claymation specials just as a bonus. I'm going to have to bust out that tape as soon as I can.

[banana]

I love you so much for writing this up. Only gripe I have is that there are indeed Latinos who have blonde hair and blue eyes. Well whaddaya know!

Just come over for dinner sometime and you'll see what I mean. So until then I'll just say...Dude! Like, not all Latinos are totally brown (though brown is beautiful too)!

[Rich]

Yeah, you're right. Sorry. That was really dumb of me.

For the record, though, I get the feeling that my insensitivity matched that of the writers (who were, at least, tokenistic). Y'know?

[Dan]

You owe me 1 monitor and keyboard for the rainbow sperm comment maid me spray tea over both

[Kat in Da Hat]

You are awesome. I bow to you.

[rebecca]

rich, your consistent application of your razor insight to only the sappiest and crappiest of candy pop culture makes my bed-hopping mid-20's trainwreck of a desk-jockey life livable. merry christmas!

[Ule]

Pure brilliance! A work of art, this blog entry.