. . . though it certainly did you no favors.
What is this show going to be without Emmett's constant reminders of his menswear background, his Ken-doll emotional range and his wonderful linguistic skills that led him to whip up gems like, "I'm a creative man who is looking to define myself creatively?" Emmett was human toast, golf with a pulse, walking wood paneling. Emmett was real 'cause he do real things. Big mistake getting rid of him, Heidi & Co. I mean, really, first Marla and now this?
But for real, his design for my Ukrainian sista/ice-skating sensation (-cum maniac -- look at that picture on the right!) Sasha Cohen got him the boot he deserved . . .
. . . while Zuzu's fairly won the challenge . . .
. . . Chloe's was my favorite (as usual -- she's my Vietnamese sista) . . .
. . . and Santino's was, uh, intricate . . .
I'd say more about this fire-and-feathers fantasy, but a) Santino said it best in the episode when he flipped into this rare and loveable, acutely self-aware mode (more on that in a sec) and b) it's gettin', it's gettin', it's gettin' kinda hectic with the web presence of all these contestants. Seriously, it was cool, y'know, when Santino swiped the sound file I created of his hit "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion" and posted it without throwing me a link (on the real: I wouldn't be nice to me either). It was flattering when Nick gave me a shout in his Queerty interview this week. The two combined? Yikes. That's too many potentially sensitive eyes on my shit. Like I was telling Dan (whose own ProjRun recaps are fucking ingenious), the divide between reality TV and reality is collapsing and I'm getting claustrophobic. I miss the tech-tarded twits of ANTM.
Not that I plan on changing anything. I'll just stress about it more. Fun!
1. Why was Emmett's ice-skating shirt so much tighter than everyone else's?
Not fair to him . . .
. . . really not fair to us . . .
And really, what the fuck?
Why do these shirts have built-in penises? Is it to keep them secure while you're dashing and turning on the ice and through the air? Surely, if you're rocking this shit as leisurewear, you don't have to go fastening that. That would just be uncomfortable, right?
Anyway, Nick described Emmett's ice-skating look as, "International Male gone g-g-g-g-gay."
2. But wait, who you callin' g-g-g-g-gay?
Nick fagged the fuck out when he discovered that their challenge would not be just dealing with ice skating, but would involve the Sasha Cohen.
(By the way, is Chloe, like, 4'5"?)
I honestly thought this show had shot its homo load when Barbie came to town. Between this escapade and that gay Orbitz commercial, I was so wrong.
It's getting all boys-will-be-boys frat-gay.
You can kind of make out Emmett's butt crack in the last one, which really doesn't make me happy, and I'm fucking disgusting.
I think the moral of the story is that you can tell that things are genuine if they come to life on ice. This goes for Disney movies and gay sexual tension, alike.
4. Zuzu: "I've never used glitter, beading or anything like that."
I think, then, the eyes are a wonderful place to start.
5. How creepy was Heidi regarding their ice-skating outfits?
I have a bad feeling about this, like her pregnancy hunger is going to result in cannibalism.
6. Speaking of cannibalism, I didn't even understand Santino's pre-judging, "If it comes down to having to eat somebody, I'll eat somebody" rant. What?
What I did understand, though, was that the weird here's-what's-coming-up footage that never actually came up next was total homage to Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy" video. Compare:
Santino: I want your soul!
Aphex monster: I want your soul! I'll eat your soul!
7. But that wasn't even Santino's shining moment. His aforementioned flash of self- awareness by way of a Michael Kors impression was.
Ha! He's right! And Nick knew it, too:
Hot make-up guy: now with more evident and exposed chunk! I wanna take a bite out of that arm. Cannibalism is so in this episode!
9. Andraé, Andraé, Andraé. I didn't complain the first time we saw those now- infamous orange shorts, in episode 3.
I didn't complain the second time -- last week -- even though you were going like this:
But two weeks in a row?
Please stop. It's becoming disrespectful. I fear for the future.
I bet Diana wrote that before she left. She seemed like someone who'd dig How High. And she, also, was too dirty to clean her act up.
11. I never thought I'd feel this way, but I missed Nina. There was no explanation for her absence, just this for a replacement:
Horribly disagreeable, aggressively critical and perpetually unsmiling, Anne is no mere powerbitch. She's a fashioncunt.
Listen to what she had to say about Emmett's design.
Did she say "tootie?" "Tootie," for real?
Ha! I just wanna listen to that over and over and over!
Thing is, I think she's right.