Kara's infinite wisdom strikes again! And she's right -- all these people are crazy (can you imagine how boring the show would be if they weren't?). However, maybe they aren't crazy as someone who, say, gives himself the task of recapping what is essentially a recap (if you ever want to feel completely pointless, have I got a job for you!).
No matter -- this week's clips-filled reunion show wasn't just the season's hands-down best dramatic spectacle. It was also a learning experience. What follows are but a few of the lessons offered to us by Heidi, public servant that she is, and, y'know, everyone else.
Lesson 1: Heidi is aware of how stupid she sounds.
I had no clue that she has a clue! But she really does!
"They went like bagels," she said about the limited-edition My Scene Barbie that Nick designed (and she wasn't kidding -- have you seen how much those shits go for on eBay?). After she was corrected (she meant "hotcakes," dammitt!), Heidi offered an excuse for her failed cliché: "See how would I know? I'm German." Hee! She's totally excused.
Oh, and speaking of Heidi's speech patterns, I would really love it if this could be the announcement before every commercial break of every show from now on. Can someone make that happen?
2. Daniel Franco is straight.
Not that that's good for much -- I don't expect him to be getting any as long as he keeps his hair unwashed (take it to Bedford Ave., emoface). But really, color me as surprised as Raymundo once was.
Isn't Raymundo just a mop away from being a Hank Azaria caricature, name and all?
Oh, and Daniel F., may be nominally straight, but something tells me that he knows little of the female anatomy.
3. Nick is capable of butching it up.
He got himself a full (albeit meticulously trimmed) beard and ditched the camp mugging. Seriously, this is the best I could grab:
Kind of a letdown. Nick, I know you can do better. I've seen you do better, frame after frame after frame.
4. John lost weight.
And gained no allure. Funny, that.
5. Heidi S. was eliminated too soon.
Seriously, she is all I want in comic relief:
Actually, her genius is not a new revelation -- I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on her.
6. Jay is an even bigger pigfuck than you would have imagined.
The unaired, extended exchange between he and Kara was like a sneak preview for Project I'm Going To Annoy the Shit Out of You. I think that probably sums up his life's work (try not to vomit when he interrupts Kara with the "HEY!"). He is insufferable. Period.
7. The "Santino effect" goes way beyond ruffles and embellishments.
It has everything to do with the way he gets under people's skin. The man is not a man but a chigger.
Check the reactions of those he talks shit about when confronted with his words.
Yes, indeed, the Santino effect gets its victims right in the face. And, yeah, he's an ass, but some of these are funny (he's totally right about Daniel Franco, and you know it). And every once in a while, he'll pull out an "eat my ass" that makes me totally love him.
8. The show cheated us out of some excellent music.
Seriously, "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion" was just the overture to the wonderful Project Runway: The Musical. Here are a few potential hits from the vault:
Santino's "Happiness Is a Warm Gunn"
He gets all hymnal on the last, beautiful line. Way to take it to church, bloodsucker!
Andraé's "Swing Low, Sweet Sewing Machine"
Did you have any idea he could get that deep? Andraé is the man of 1,000 voices (and one pair of orange shorts).
Santino and Nick's "The Ballad of Daniel Franco"
Utter brilliance -- I like this one even more than "Lighten Up, It's Just Fashion." For once, Santino's embellishments are perfect ("Auf wiedersehen, muthafucka!"). I really think that he and Nick could make a killing if they took their show on the road.
9. Andraé's runway tantrum lasted almost 10 minutes.
That's a lotta pussy. Oh, and seeing it again made Chloe cry.
Lighten up, it's just Andraé.
10. There is a fine line between hipster and housewife when it comes to hair.
11. Zuzu has some weird alter ego named "Shatenge."
I totally didn't get this shit, though any internal force that propels someone to exclaim, "To my horror..." at the top of a sentence is a force of good, not evil.
12. Lupe is a wonderful, wonderful person.
How much ass did she kick in that psilocybic haze? So much. She was kicking her face off.
Listen to her first stroke of genius.
Tim: Did you feel that your elimination was fair, even though Marla had plagiarized a dress Nicky Hilton had worn before?
Lupe: Honestly, I can only give him a personal critique. Nobody would ever know, unless they personally respond to me, would know what my personal response is. And that is of me. And, personally, I believe you can't, like, push the boundaries, and, like Johnny Cash, walk the line, and...
If Diana's alter ego is "Dirty Diana," I think we can call this one "Loopy Lupe" from now on.
Here is her masterpiece.
Tim (trying again): Do you feel your elimination was fair given that Marla plagiarized the Nicky Hilton dress -- yes or no?
Loopy Lupe: Understand that Marla has an aesthetic that I cannot duplicate. But Marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate. And Ariyan, on national television, if you can get this, you fuckin' rock . . .
. . . because you believe in what is true. Period. (Tongue cluck.)
And the cherry on top?
Tim: This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I think I've heard in weeks. Sorry.
LL: I agree as well.
She is so Björky. And so, it follows that . . .
13. All is full of love.
Seriously, the reunion was an outpouring of affection.
"I love Santino!" shrieked LL, for no real reason. Amazingly, she's not the only one.
What the fuck is up with how close Chloe and Santino were sitting? I mean, they look like they've been rolling around in the silk charmeuse together for months.
And finally, in the bizarre night's single most bizarre exchange, we learned...
...Daniel Franco loves Heidi. And what does Heidi have to say about that?
I think it's because she's already sprung on Tim's gunn.