Torture soul

Totally obsessed.

See, when I say "obsessed," I mean repulsed and seething to the point where hating Taylor Hicks has fast become a hobby.

He is disgusting.

I should say up front: fuck American Idol. The show is a horrible vacuum that sucks you in and scrubs your brain of your initial ha-ha-ha-a-singing-competition-that's-so-fucking-gay-how-could-I-not-watch contempt, so that you're left caring about the show and its outcome, even though the most reliably entertaining thing about it is Paula Abdul's nightly struggle through her pill-induced haze. I hate this shit. I hate that the show effectively gloats: "You will pay attention to me. You'll watch me on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays for hours and hours and hours as I stretch myself as long as possible so as to maximize the money I can bring in for everyone except the winner, whose $1 million contract will be used up by the time they've wrapped filming their second video. You love me and you know it." Fuck that.

So, that said, I find myself drawn to this year's competition. I hate myself for it. To reconcile this interest with my soul, I've been watching it on fast forward, stopping to admire Ann Nesby's granddaughter (however misguided she might be -- the song is "Midnight Train to Georgia," not "C'mon Ride the Train," so cut the bouncing, Junior Miss) and to masturbate to Chris Daughtry. And, of course, stopping to put everything else in the world on hold to revel in my hatred for Taylor Fucking Hicks.

Look at the way he holds the mic. Douche! Also, look at that sincerity. You know why he's so sincere? Because he's singing Elton John's "Levon," which, he says possesses family values. It was at this point on Wednesday's show, his pre-performance explanation, that he went from douchebag to vaginal suppository (if you've got a strong stomach, the Malcontent has video of his tragic performance). First of all, the song's lyrics are oblique and about the only thing that's certain about them is that the character of Levon and his son, Jesus, do not have a good relationship ("And Jesus, he wants to go to Venus / Leave Levon far behind / Take a balloon and go sailing / While Levon, Levon slowly dies"). I don't think Jesus really values his family. Taylor is an ass.

Second of all, and most importantly: family values? So, he's using his straight-outta-Alabama, misinterpretive skills to spread the gospel of the Christian right? Is he aware of how loaded a term "family values" is? Is he aware that "Levon" was performed and co-written by a real, live, cock-inhaling homosexual? A real, live, cock-inhaling homosexual whose December marriage flew in the face of those very family values? Does he know these things?

Probably not. He's too busy being soulful. And seemingly handicapped.

The truth is that this guy bugged me long before he opened his mouth. I don't believe the Idol site -- I just don't believe that he's 29. He looks like he could be the father of a 29 year old, and he has the music taste to prove it. As is favorite male artists, he lists Billy Joel, Van Morrison and Bob Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...oh, sorry. My head hit the keyboard when I fell asleep while typing that because he's so fucking boring.

He's so fucking boring, he gave himself narcolepsy.

And of course, the aged-beyond-his-years looks combined with the tics and questionable mental capacity have won him a massive following. His thread on the AI Television Without Pity forum is currently the longest. Some of the bleeding hearts that make up his online following call themselves the Soul Patrol (their Yahoo! group is here, and their Frappr! is here). And Taylor is aware of this, as he gave them a shout-out after singing Wednesday. "I have fans! You all love me! Tee hee, tee hee!!!"

Seriously, the Soul Patrol? That's like calling a Celine Dion fanclub the Assalamu'alaikums. If a gruff voice and feigned conviction equal soul, fucking Winston should cut an album with Anthony Hamilton.

And fine, Taylor Hicks can carry a tune (even if it's by slinging it over his shoulder as he crookedly saunters around the stage). But American Idol is about crafting people into brands and everything about this guy, besides the singing (which, y'know, I hate hate hate, but it's mostly because it's not my cup of tea and not because it's unskilled), everything else is abhorrent. Like the way he gloats when he's finished performing.

Or his inappropriate harmonica playing.

Or his onstage antics with Ryan Seacrest.

Is he aware that he's cavorting with (someone who's suspected to be) a real, live, cock-inhaling homosexual?

No, but Taylor's for real. He's in it for the music. He's busting his buns. Whoo!

Really, show, don't tell, you asswipe. This guy is full of shit. That's nothing new for pop music -- I just find his brand of shit particularly odious. It's inspiring, though. He's inspiring -- his lifted leg gave me the idea to piss all over him . . .

He brought it on himself, see?

Comments

[chenxin827]

i like taylor...

[Ambre]

Chris Daughtry can butter my biscuits any time he wants!

[waving/drowning?]

I was wondering whether it was just me... I admire your almost autistic devotion to your obsessions... You're right of course.

[Roma]

Hello Rich and thanks for great article. Taylor annoys me but he is more entertaining then some of the other people on the show. Don't you think? What do you think of Gedeon? Uggggh.

[J]

You make me feel so less alone in this world!

[manhattan offender]

Dear Mr. Four,

Please remove your derogatory comments regarding our lord and savior, Taylor Fucking Hicks, from your site at once. Otherwise, we will use mapquest to figure out where this 'brooklyn' place you claim to be is and come to your door for a forced pig-picking.

With the love of Crisco in our hearts,

Natalee Holloway
(in no way related to the horrid Loleatta Holloway, I assure you)

[Shelley]

I like him, sure he may have Tourette's, but that makes the show more interesting!

[brandy]

I honestly thought that this guy was put on as a joke. Like "god they totally ate that Clay Aiken shit up lets see if we can out do ourselves."
I havent even heard him sing just looking at him makes me want to scream directly in his face every time he speaks.
My friend apparently thinks I sound and look like Katherine McPhee. I have yet to see the show so Ill have to take her word for it. I dont think I look like her though.

[Mr. Prince]

I highly doubt Taylor Hicks is that young. But i do love that Chris Daughtry. He's from a place called 'McLeansville' XDDDD he sure is, but I hope he's not lean everwhere. XD ^.~

[Vicki]

Doesn't Will Makar look just a bit like pre-chunk Fred Savage as Kevin Arnold??

Rich I love you - keep doing what you do.

[JenKatz]

You are too fucking funny! This guy went from douche to vaginal suppository... Ouch!

[eliot]

He is so not 29.

[Courtney]

I'm laughing so hard I am crying. Taylor Hicks looks like the retarded love child of Mark Cuban and Jay Leno.

[Foxy]

How can anyone hate Gray Haired Dude? Yes, he's a total freaks show. Yes, I don't want to hear his album. But it's because of both of these things that he makes an ideal Idol contestant. He can actually sing, he's amusing in that from-another-planet way, but I won't care when he gets kicked out.

[Your Mom]

What the fuck do you know, you're just another goddamned fag.

[E]

Thank God I'm not the only one - this wanker pissed me off the second his did his lame-ass Stevie Wonder blind harmonica impression in front of the judges at the sit-down. I was embarrassed Grr. What a pain in the arse. Also, can we talk about the hair? What works for George Clooney doesn't work for you, douche-bag. And those caterpillars resting above his eyes, again I'll use a similar method of comparison - what works for freaking Burt Reynolds does not work for you dickhead, ok?? He makes me feel dirty, and not it a good way. I need to wash my face with a hot flannel after watching him, just to feel clean and pure again. Even then I feel I'm stained with his dirty greyness.

One question though - I'm know he's from the South, but has he actually said something that indicates he's a right-wing Conservative, or are we just presuming this? We're a few weeks behind here, so I might have missed some bold (for 'bold' read 'bigoted') statement he may or may not have made. Not that it matters whether he did or not anyway, because I'd still set the dogs on him if I saw him the street on account of that face regardless.

E xxx

[Y]

Randy loved his "innappropriate harmonica playing."

You kill me in the best way, man.

[Saun]

I don't even know what he sounds like b/c I fast forward through him everytime. I thought the age limit was 28. He is a man with a head full of grey hair on a show geered towards teenagers. I can't take him seriously. I'll count on the legion of 12-16 year olds to vote him out in the next few weeks.

[duane]

This is a level of hatred I have not experienced before. Thank you!

Rich, I know I have told you many, many times... but you rock.

[johnny]

:::A real, live, cock-inhaling homosexual whose December marriage flew in the face of those very family values? :::

Shouldn't that be "May/December marriage"?

Oh, you meant the actual DATE.

[Rich]

E - My "right wing" accusation comes from him invoking "family values." That's conservative enough for me!

[Whitters]

his straight-outta-Alabama

Please do not judge all of us Alabamians by this man-child.

[Braun Pommelhorse]

I noticed the family values comment as well. I don't really think he has any sense of how loaded it is .. at least that's what I told myself.

What I really think is pissing so many of you off about him is that he turns you on despite all his flaws.

Admit it, he's kind of hot in a totally opposites-attract manner. And when I say that I mean he's pretty much the opposite of everyone - hence the large, lusty fanbase.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

even though the family values comment irked me (as any use of that insipid phrase does) i have to say...i like him. Liked him from the auditions.
i think he's got a good sound (bit too joe cocker, but that's not a bad thing) and even though he strikes me as slightly Aspbergers-y....i think he's cool.

[Day Dreamer]

I enjoy Taylor and think he brings something special to the show. However, even though I don't agree with the content of what your wrote I really like your writing style. You did make me laugh!