See, when I say "obsessed," I mean repulsed and seething to the point where hating Taylor Hicks has fast become a hobby.
He is disgusting.
I should say up front: fuck American Idol. The show is a horrible vacuum that sucks you in and scrubs your brain of your initial ha-ha-ha-a-singing-competition-that's-so-fucking-gay-how-could-I-not-watch contempt, so that you're left caring about the show and its outcome, even though the most reliably entertaining thing about it is Paula Abdul's nightly struggle through her pill-induced haze. I hate this shit. I hate that the show effectively gloats: "You will pay attention to me. You'll watch me on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays for hours and hours and hours as I stretch myself as long as possible so as to maximize the money I can bring in for everyone except the winner, whose $1 million contract will be used up by the time they've wrapped filming their second video. You love me and you know it." Fuck that.
So, that said, I find myself drawn to this year's competition. I hate myself for it. To reconcile this interest with my soul, I've been watching it on fast forward, stopping to admire Ann Nesby's granddaughter (however misguided she might be -- the song is "Midnight Train to Georgia," not "C'mon Ride the Train," so cut the bouncing, Junior Miss) and to masturbate to Chris Daughtry. And, of course, stopping to put everything else in the world on hold to revel in my hatred for Taylor Fucking Hicks.
Look at the way he holds the mic. Douche! Also, look at that sincerity. You know why he's so sincere? Because he's singing Elton John's "Levon," which, he says possesses family values. It was at this point on Wednesday's show, his pre-performance explanation, that he went from douchebag to vaginal suppository (if you've got a strong stomach, the Malcontent has video of his tragic performance). First of all, the song's lyrics are oblique and about the only thing that's certain about them is that the character of Levon and his son, Jesus, do not have a good relationship ("And Jesus, he wants to go to Venus / Leave Levon far behind / Take a balloon and go sailing / While Levon, Levon slowly dies"). I don't think Jesus really values his family. Taylor is an ass.
Second of all, and most importantly: family values? So, he's using his straight-outta-Alabama, misinterpretive skills to spread the gospel of the Christian right? Is he aware of how loaded a term "family values" is? Is he aware that "Levon" was performed and co-written by a real, live, cock-inhaling homosexual? A real, live, cock-inhaling homosexual whose December marriage flew in the face of those very family values? Does he know these things?
Probably not. He's too busy being soulful. And seemingly handicapped.
The truth is that this guy bugged me long before he opened his mouth. I don't believe the Idol site -- I just don't believe that he's 29. He looks like he could be the father of a 29 year old, and he has the music taste to prove it. As is favorite male artists, he lists Billy Joel, Van Morrison and Bob Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...oh, sorry. My head hit the keyboard when I fell asleep while typing that because he's so fucking boring.
He's so fucking boring, he gave himself narcolepsy.
And of course, the aged-beyond-his-years looks combined with the tics and questionable mental capacity have won him a massive following. His thread on the AI Television Without Pity forum is currently the longest. Some of the bleeding hearts that make up his online following call themselves the Soul Patrol (their Yahoo! group is here, and their Frappr! is here). And Taylor is aware of this, as he gave them a shout-out after singing Wednesday. "I have fans! You all love me! Tee hee, tee hee!!!"
Seriously, the Soul Patrol? That's like calling a Celine Dion fanclub the Assalamu'alaikums. If a gruff voice and feigned conviction equal soul, fucking Winston should cut an album with Anthony Hamilton.
And fine, Taylor Hicks can carry a tune (even if it's by slinging it over his shoulder as he crookedly saunters around the stage). But American Idol is about crafting people into brands and everything about this guy, besides the singing (which, y'know, I hate hate hate, but it's mostly because it's not my cup of tea and not because it's unskilled), everything else is abhorrent. Like the way he gloats when he's finished performing.
Or his inappropriate harmonica playing.
Or his onstage antics with Ryan Seacrest.
Is he aware that he's cavorting with (someone who's suspected to be) a real, live, cock-inhaling homosexual?
No, but Taylor's for real. He's in it for the music. He's busting his buns. Whoo!
Really, show, don't tell, you asswipe. This guy is full of shit. That's nothing new for pop music -- I just find his brand of shit particularly odious. It's inspiring, though. He's inspiring -- his lifted leg gave me the idea to piss all over him . . .
He brought it on himself, see?