Here, let me revise the title card so that it accurately reflects last night's charade of a catching-up-with-the-past contestants show:
There, that's better.
Of course, the answer to that is: anywhere. The girls aren't anywhere.
Not that I expected to be wowed by the special, which really was just a reminder of next week's Cycle 6 premiere. Before the show aired, Fresh and I were talking about the imminent bullshit hour. But really, I didn't expect such vagueness as the girls ticked off their "accomplishments" (and really, if they were so accomplished, would they have to tell us? Wouldn't we already know?). I seriously expected someone to be like, "And I've been on The Tyra Banks Show. And I did this where-are-they-now special that I'm on right now." Really -- a bit part on a sitcom on the UPN after you've been on a reality show on the UPN is no accomplishment. That would be like me bragging, "Oh, yeah -- I have a blog on Typepad." Impressed?
Anyway, here's a rundown of what the girls are doing. "Doing."
In addition to filming some undoubtedly direct-to-DVD flick, and meeting with her male doppleganger...
...Eva is doing...uh...well she's not doing her hair.
Aw hell naw.
And, by now, if you know anything about me, I'm sure you can see where this is going.
It's like The Fly or something. Pigfordbird.
Shannon, one of my all-time favs, if only for her gifted storytelling and tendency to interrupt, is still a "virgin" (i.e. butt pirate) and still getting all wet over extremely conventionally beautiful guys.
That's her bf, some Abercrombie model. Big whoop. In other news, she's writing her own memoir, she says. "It's an autobiography about my life and how I always wanted to model." Wow. Sounds fascinating. Also, sounds unlikely: an autobiography about her life?!? She should write an "autobiography" on the life her vibrator's batteries. I bet it would be short.
Very Lisa-esque there, isn't she? And speaking of Lisa, she's looking great...
...she was on some swing at some show or something recently. No word on whether she's having separation anxiety from Cousin It.
Mercedes is going to be in a movie!
It's called Unemployed. I'm not kidding!
Also, she alerted us (or at least, those of us who aren't affected by Lupus, which from what I gather is as vague a condition as being a past ANTM contestant)...
I so want a subscription. Easter is coming soon. Won't someone make my basket happy?
Brittany is so hot.
Love that girl. Her boyfriend, past Survivor contestant Burton is hot, too.
She also recently walked in a Frederick's of Hollywood show:
So much for resisting the porny thing.
Nicole did a Cover Girl shoot for eyewear. I don't get it.
She looks smarter. It's amazing what Bugs Bunny teeth can do for you.
Also, she's looking a little Lohannish.
As is, come to think of it, Yoanna...
And you know what's the weirdest thing? Eva appeared in this issue of Elle:
And Nicole appeared in this issue of Us:
Freaky! Is Lindsay the standard of beauty now?
Yoanna, however, did not appear in any magazines. Ever.
But she and her outdated bangs and weird face are corresponding for Style and hosting The Look for Less (aka The Boring for Boring).
Kim might make an appearance on The L Word, "which would be really funny," according to her. OMG! A lesbian on a show about lesbians? That's hilarious.
Who says dykes have no sense of humor?
Yaya believes that she has found her calling as an actress.
She has a seemingly large role in Take the Lead, in which Antonio Banderas teaches a pack of detention-banished riff-raff the joys of ballroom dancing.
Looks to me like Sister Act 3: None of Them Nuns. If that's the case I'm so there. Joyful, joyful!
Anne is seriously the hottest.
I love her so much. I love her so much that when I saw her on the L train two weeks ago, I talked to her the whole way home. I totally wanted to lick her face or sit in her lap the whole time. Anyway, I'm not trying to talk and tell, but let's just say that the post-show picture that she painted for me wasn't nearly as glamorous as the one she said she's experiencing on the show.
She even cried about how blessed she is. I think she needs to talk to Yaya about the whole acting-as your-calling thing (if necessary, I will mediate the discussion -- beep me 911, Ann!).
Camille is looking good.
God. I forgot how much this show makes me wanna do girls. It's all Tyra's mind-controlling tactics. Anyway, Camille went to Jamaica for something or other.
When I saw this, I thought, "You know she wants to take that sail and wrap it around her so she can explain to everyone what each color on her new dress stands for." And then, she unveiled her line of "linge-wear," lingerie to be worn as outerwear. While talking about it, she totally fulfilled my prophecy:
"The colors are really significant. Y'know yellow is for the sunshine...
...green is for the land." She learned nothing. I'm sure she's still calling that pigeon strut her signature walk, too.
Oh, that's Naima and her twin in the picture above, btw. Naima's segment lasted less than a minute.
Put a fork in her. Or at least, run it through that hair.
Tocarra's tig old bitties are serving her well.
She's landed on the covers of many super-hip magazines. Super-hip magazines like Braids.
One of these things is not like the other. Can you spot it?
Tocarra wasn't on that shit! That's Kimora Lee!
Haha! Tyra called Kimora fat!
And what look back on ANTM's past would be complete without the presence of Bre. I don't know if you know this, by the way, but now Bre is a commodity! She's so great. I love that she thought it was inappropriate to bring her dog to that little pow wow she and a few other Cycle 5 girls had at Duvet:
She also thought she should bring him to some Hot97 fashion show she walked in.
She really thinks she's hot shit, with her animal accessory. Well, I say let her. And actually, if she needs an entourage member to remind her that she's hot shit, I'll totally do it. For free! As long as I get college credit.
And finally. Yay. Tyra's back on fourfour at least once a week until the end of May. Yay!
That outfit makes her look pretty Amazonian, doesn't it? Well, I say, why stop there?
Y'know, I think every time I've posted about her since Cycle 5 ended, I've mentioned how I miss her. I think at this point, it's safe to say that she completes me. Welcome home, warrior princess.