Duh-bye

Wow. I had no idea that Gina suffered from the same affliction as Jerri Blank's father (so there, Twiggy, she's posing like she's on a good comedy show).

I shouldn't be joking. This is serious. Gina is gone, y'all. A little piece of me died when she was packing her bags, explaining that no matter how friendly she is, there will always be people who don't like her. It makes me almost feel bad for all the jokes I made at her expense. And, of course, for all the jokes I'm about to make at her expense.

But really, I can't believe that they eliminated her without telling us that she's deaf. She is deaf, right? What?

No matter. I cry, she cries.

29. Gina

And that's all for the episode. One cry! We're dealing with some hardened bitches this time. Gator skin without the bumps, all around (or in Furonda's case, gator skin, period).

I couldn't decide on this week's Tyraism, so I'm just going to do two this week. Why not? After all, she's endlessly quotable, like a modern day Oscar Wilde. Or Yogi Berra. Or Yogi Bear.

Tyraism No. 1

"What I want to do today is I want to talk to all of you about your future goals, because I want to help raise very strong women, as well. Not just models."

Raise? I know they're sheep-like and all, but Tyra's now taking the mother metaphor way far. I guess that's to be expected since the theme of this cycle is "transformation." I can't wait till next cycle when she shows us how to be fierce while working a breast pump.

Tyraism No. 2

"I loved your film, Joanie. It was spicy." I don't really have a quip for that. I just thought it was dumb (in other words, not spicy).

But you know what is spicy? Miss J's attitude in this week's Jwatch.

This concludes this week's Jwatch.

1. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you this cycle's girl with all the potential in the world:

Well, now that that's been revealed, what's the point of going on with the show?

2. I'll answer my own question: to make fun of Gina, obviously. Oh, she's gone? Fuck.

Of the many golden Gina moments in this week's episode, my favorite is her patting herself on the back for reading Jade (if you need a tutorial in reading, here is Dorian Corey explaining it in Paris Is Burning). "It was my battle and I think I did pretty well," said Gina about her showdown with Jade. Here's Gina's step-by-step guide to a successful reading.

Step 1: Identify the target.

Step 2: Attempt to verbally shrink away from confrontation.

Step 3: If that doesn't work, intimidate your target by pointing out spectators.

Step 4: Take words your target threw at you and replace the "you" with "I"s and the "I"s with "you"s.

Step 5: If you're still intimidated by your target, lie.

Step 6: Physically slink away from confrontation, avoiding eye contact.

This method is fool-proof. It'll have them praying for mercy.

Alternately, you can just call the target an "overgrown orangutan(g)" and be done with it.

3. At least that's a better way of reading someone than by forcing them to say something they don't want to and then chastising them for it.

Ahem.

Janice picking on an already battered Gina was such bullshit (and confusing, too -- "Get your ass off?!?!"). I would have figured Janice to be in a good mood, since Tyra clearly hooked her up with some extensions before the episode was even over:

So, yeah. I was disappointed in this Janice appearance (sit in on the fucking panel, already!), but at least she was weird...

...and sexual...

...and weirdly sexual. Would you fuck model? I'd fuck model.

4. Hi Lisa.

Bye Lisa.

5. As if eager to prove her warmth, Jade had this to say about Gina's photos from the Sears challenge:

First of all, of course she does. It was a fake shoot for Sears.

Second of all, Gina actually looked good in her shots. And third, who the fuck is Jade calling cheesy?

Shit, Jade looks cheesy even when Sears isn't involved.

(Jade's roots and array of hairstyles in her confessional clips scare me -- do they point to the fact that she's going to be around for a while?)

Is that an anthill in your fro, or are you just an asshole?

Yeah, because looking like Kim Cattrall is sooooo hot right now.

Who's cheesy now, Jade??? Huh???

6. Nnenna won me back this week.

First of all, her boyfriend is hot.

I'm sure you disagree, but that PWT mustache is fucking sexy.

But also, I like that she doesn't take shit from him.

"You're bein' very annoyin' and you're still not stoppin'. You're makin' it worse." You tell him!

Oh, but contrary to Tyra's sensationalism, this is not a French kiss:

Mouths are open, yes, but no tongues!

Not that Nnenna isn't a lil' freaky.

I mean very freaky.

7. Hey. Who wants to be hot like Furonda?

Here's her secret:

You're welcome.

8. No, I really do have to give it up to Furonda for turning out a good picture this week.

Power to the weirdos!

The girls who are able to change how they look so drastically when in front of the camera really fascinate me. That's a big reason why I love Danielle so much and really, really want her to win.

Now that some time has passed and it's not just a knee-jerk impression, I have to say that Danielle's picture from last week is my favorite ANTM picture of all...time (I just typed that in Tyra voice).

I also love Danielle because she helps me out. She came up with a wonderfully bitchy, backstabbing retort to Jade's bullshit "future goal."

"It's just so random to hear Jade say she wants to be a kindergarten teacher. If need be, I would home school my child before they went to Jade's class. Mmmm mmm."

Capping my love of Danielle is her wonderful singing talent.

It's a catchy tune!

Boo-ya!

9. Gay:

10. Even though Joanie hasn't impressed me with a picture since the first episode, I did love this:

"He totally pitched a tent while they were in Africa. And not one that you camp in, either," she said about Nnenna's hot model companion during their shoot. I like how Joanie all of a sudden became some drunk floozy in a bathrobe at 3 p.m. sitting outside her trailer during the last sentence.

Hi, Vegas Mom!

11. Yo, I'm a little bit scared for Nicole.

Check the empty expression, and hear her emptier words. It's hard out here for a supposedly working model.

Is she strung out on pressed powder?

12. So Tyra wants to be a blow-up doll when she grows up?

She did always enjoy practicing.

Ah, good ol' Light Bulb Head.

Comments

[brandy]

Nicole is the worst. I doubt we will see anything from her after this Cover Girl account. Love the recap!

[Jackie]

Joanie as "trailer trash" is priceless. And I agree, Danielle is #1!

[peachi]

i love danielle... my vote is for her, nnenna, or mollie sue to win (bah to brooke... i just see fug there)... in any case though, will covergirl (i mean tyra) pick a girl with a gap that big in their ads? *runs and hides*

[avi]

robin from season, excuse me, "cycle" 1 is still the most horrible as in meanest contestant ever, with her oh my goodness a lesbian model in my apartment i'm going to sit in my room and read the bible and get on other people for being too skinny and using too much skin lotion. but jade is really an a-1 mf'in jackelope wench. let me break it to her - if you're 26 and haven't made it yet as a model, you never will! and stop talking about yourself in the 3rd person dammit! i liked when they told her she's like a hot model at a club versus a hot model in pictures. in other words a wannabe. i still like brooke, but she needs to unawkwardify now. if she could pose more like joanie she'd be a threat. and danielle is now my fave for sure. addicted!

[Mr. Prince]

LOL this was great!; I love Danielle more and more each week, and furonda's coming around; hmm, so far my top three picks are Danielle, Nnenna and.....i'm not sure XP XDD

[mo]

We'll see plenty of Nicole. If they ever make a proper remake of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. She'd be the kickingest "Background extra #13" ev-ah.

[FancyPants]

Jade's nasty hair matches her nasty attitude. Janice is a dried up old hag with nothing better to do then pick on misguided, deaf Gina(but thank the lord she was booted). I hope Danielle wins this one!

[WhicketyWhack]

Jade looks like Art garfunkel, especially with the receding hariline.

[Jess]

I cannot look at Furonda without seeing that picture of the Gremlin. Without fail, I start to laugh every time I see her. It's a little awkward explaining it to people who haven't been reading your recaps.

And I, too, love Danielle. Is it wrong of me to want her to throw down on Jade?

[J-Enyce]

Ok this might not be a popular opinion, but I think the real glaring omission is Molly Sue. She is fierce, and she's working for that drink. After seeing all those girls with long hair (Jade doesn't count) it's so refreshing to see Molly Sue rock the pixie.
Btw, I saw on the previews for next antm that Jade (ms. pizza face herself) actually tries to call someone out on their bad complexion. Physician Heal Thyself...yeah, Jade is in a struggle, but not the one she's thinking of.

[david]

Poor Gina. Normally I'm a Janice fan but she was just being plain nasty.

[caligurl]

i am the only one who thinks this season totally sucks?!!! none of these girls look like models to me....Danielle and Nenna standout a little....and Furonda is just a weird creature in my oponion....LUV YOUR RECAPS!!!!!!

[Cote]

Rich, I love you! Your Recaps are always better than the show!

Danielle better win. Girl is hot! And I think the Gap tooth thing is hot as well, I even wish that I still sported one!

[amanda]

I'm new to your site, but I'm wondering if you've yet broken down that scary fake smiling shot that the contestants are forced to do every fucking week when The Tyranator describes the Ford contract and all that other meaningless bullshit the winning ANTM gets. It feels very cue card. And it always makes me feel so sorry for them.

[aj]

Danielle gives gap-toothed girls a good name ;)

My dentist offered to cap mine, but I've grown to like it over the years...

Anyway, thanks once again for a killer recap Rich! Sorry duh-Gina got booted, but she was started to become a tad painful to watch...

I fully support Danielle as the new fave.

[Furnace23]

What were the names of the 5 male models ?

[Charlie]

Usually I think you have questionable taste in models. But I have to admit, Danielle fully won me over this week with her take-no-shit attitude (she's take-no-shit but not a bitch--wha??) and her ability to just sit back and shake her head at everyone else's drama is such a nice change. And I agree with you that she looks different—and hot—in every photo she takes.

[Clare]

Another great recap, Rich! Love the light bulb head shot!

[dj Danny S]

Jade is a hideous, fugly FUGLY cunt (she's a FUNT) and the sooner she's gone the better!

[Ambre]

"I can't wait till next cycle when she shows us how to be fierce while working a breast pump"....This has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

[istolethetv]

joanie also got a little trailer-trashy when she surmised that this week's "special guests" might be "a sloth, a snake or a *pork-a-pine*." i half expected her to spit her chaw out after uttering that sentence.

[Judy]

Ugh, apparently the producers told Janice to pick on Gina. I know Janice is like out there and in your face, but telling Gina to jump on one foot and laugh was awful. It almost turned me off to watching the show, but I'm hanging on to see Jade get hers. Can't stand that "girl" - is she a girl? She looks like a Romulan of the Star-trek variety.

Oh you're enjoy this: http://www.topmodelgossip.com/lisa-vs-tyra-video-clip/

:)

[duane]

Keep it coming! Sad to see Gina go, but what the fuck was going on with that girl anyway??

[raging indie]

It's OK Rich, there are still plenty of girls we haven't seen anything of yet -- maybe you'll get a new Gina. Leslie's sort of Asian, right?

[jules]

Man, you have me lol-ing in my seat, as always, Rich! As uncomfortable as Gina made me just by watching her (I mean, like, worse than Cycle 4's Michelle!), I will miss her. At least she's actually pretty, unlike Jade the Hutt.

Jay Alexander needs to shut up now. Nnenna, the only one of these bitches who can actually, you know, MODEL - boring? Hell no, not after tonight's episode! Who would have thought she had a bit of hootchie in her? But her dude? Inbred.

And will somebody puh-lease hook Danielle up with some InvisAlign? And Nicole for that matter? This is America's Next Top Model, not Britain's.

And also, Fuh-ron-duh = Invader Zim in his human disguise.