Kari werre herre

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had the biggest mouth in all the land. So special was her mouth that her high-school guidance counselors urged her to learn Pez dispensing in trade school. But this girl, who came to be known as Lippy Tumbles, was intent on exploiting her gift that made every gay boy she came across seethe with jealousy. And so she joined the world of possibly-one-day-professional modeling to surround herself with as many 'mos as possible. One day, an evil witch who disguised herself under 20 lbs. of auburn horse hair, promised to make Lippy look like Brigitte Bardot. But before you could say, "And God created labia," the witch turned on Lippy, and banished forever to the past. Lippy was sent back to old hooker times, when ladies of the night were actual ladies, and you could get a dozen blowjobs for a nickel.

Lippy did not live happily ever after. Here's the proof:

21. Kari

She wanted to go home, and so it was to be, much like Wendy on last week's episode. In a post-episode email to me, Aubyn F. wondered if this pointed to some kind of a new rule ("Ask and you shall get tossed?"). Maybe. In addition to this, being called "Tippy Tumbles" also seems to be somethin of a kiss of death (first Sarah, now Kari). Verrrry interesting.

22. Jade

I wish I could hate her, really I do. But I can't. I can only hate her hair.

23. Mollie Sue

"Witches! All of them, witches!"

24. Danielle

This was the result of Danielle's dramatic fall that landed her on crutches. To her credit, she shed, like, one tear over her sprain/strain. No further complaining from her. The rest of these girls could learn something from her (and I'll say it now, even though I'm falling for this episode's Nnenna-is-so-last-week editing trap: Danielle is my new, absolute favorite).

25. Kari

I was kind of merciless with Kari during her short time on the show, but y'know, this shot kinda kills me. She's a cute kid, maybe not a model per se, but cute. I don't want her to be sad.

26. Duh-Gina

I know it's an unpopular opinion, but the look on her face is exactly how I felt at the prospect of my Duh-Gina getting booted. I need her in my life as long as possible. Just one more week. Just one more week.

27. Leslie

Wait, who is that again? There's a Leslie in this competition?

28. Kari

OMG, stop already! Like I don't feel bad enough!

To cheer us up, here's the Tyraism of the Week. I mean, Tyraism of the Whee!

This time, it's wordless. Told you she's a witch.

This week's JWatch is a little more functional than usual. Pack your compasses, y'all, we're going to math class!

Math Made Easy Fierce: "I think Gina's confidence is 45 percent there. Which is not a very large percent out of 100 percent."

Whoa. I don't get it. I mean, I appreciate him trying to explain it to us and all, but I just have no concept when it comes to these number thingies. If you're like me and despite having your tightest, most flattering thinking cap on, are still having problems getting your head around this, maybe you'll benefit from a visual aid:

I'm still kinda iffy on what it all means. What's a percent again?

I hope Miss J will continue to explain this one next week. I don't want fail J-ulus.

1. But there's no chance I'll ever be behind on my Gin-ography.

Jesus, where to start with her? How about with her archenemies?

I have to agree, that this was a fucking disgusting challenge. I wouldn't want those things near me, either (and to think, that people keep them as pets -- if you're really hard up for affection, I can introduce you to a tapeworm that'll be a lot more consuming). That's not to say that Duh-Gina's reaction to them was warranted. Of course, everything she does has to be completely obvious and over-the-top (which is why she was made for me, clearly). Here is a montage of stills from Duh-Gina's bug-out:

Still not convinced that she hates roaches? Let her clear it up for you.

Still having trouble believing her? Try this:

They're taking over, y'all.

Hey guys, I think we've discovered a new species:

I'm naming this one retarda maximus.

2. In other news, while talking to Danielle...

...Duh-Gina revealed that she hasn't been through much. You don't say!

I know Danielle was all squeamish about Duh-Gina being all up on her . . .

...but I love Gina so much, I'd gladly accept her as a sidekick.

I mean, I've practically accepted her as my Lord and savior, at this point.

As an aside: that expression coupled with my head being too large for the body I pasted it on, makes me look like Michael Musto, right? I have a sudden urge to go bike riding through Chelsea.

(Edit) 2.5. I think I may be taking this love for Duh-Gina to an extreme by exhibiting a similar mental capacity. I cannot believe that I forgot to include this shot when I assembled the recap:

That's her reaction to seeing her picture, revealing that she'd still be in the competition and that Kari would be booted. I don't think she recognized herself, again. Remember, Gina, Asian girl = you.

3. OK, so yeah, I love Danielle, too.

A lot of that has to do with her being so hot.

Flawless.

She's also a trouper.

I mean, she lost her baby! Toe, that is, but whatever. Still a baby.

Love her as I do, it strikes me that sometimes Danielle sounds like she's about 85. Like here, for example.

Uh, OK, Pearl. Isn't there a window you should be hanging out of? Seriously, when it comes to channeling 227's Pearl, Miss J's got the body, and Danielle's got the brain.

4. And while I'm picking on the girls, that Furonda continues to be...uh...something else, huh? I mean, sometimes the girl is fine:

And then she ruins it by displaying her gigantic hand...

Can she pick locks with those fingers?

But mostly, I think Furonda is just fucking weird.

She is one coat-of-1,000-garbage-bags and one aluminum-can-for-a-best-friend away from being a crazy homeless lady.

5. Leslie walks like she's still evolving.

Welcome to the upright world, Lucy.

6. What is Jade trying to say with this hair?

I was going to Photoshop this picture to give her hair five points and make her Lisa Simpson-esque, but then I realized that giving her a beard with that hair was more effective in making her look like an asshole.

Also, Jade, you are not Beyoncé. In fact, this picture proves that you aren't even Michelle:

7. Nicole's life as a Cover Girl this week involved becoming a dowdy folksinger.

She was all, "I am so a pretty girl..."

8. I haven't given it up for Brooke yet, mostly because we haven't heard too much from her (which I hope means that they're taking their time to develop her plot because she's going to be around for a while). What I love about Brooke is not just her amazing rack, but the fact that she laughs at every piece of criticism she's given.

Maybe that means she has a great sense of humor about herself. Maybe it means that she knows how ridiculous this competition is. Either way, I'm sprung.

It wouldn't surprise me if she cracked up after seeing Miss J's impression of her this week (which was totally brilliant).

9. Notice how even though Tyra supposedly made up with Naomi Campbell, she still couldn't bring herself to name her former arch-nemesis (also, "Fell to her booty?" wtf?).

Hmmmmm.

10. Finally, read this before bed to ensure pleasant dreams:

Yeah, it doesn't rhyme. So what? It's a fairy tale! A fairy tale, I tell you!

Comments

[Veronica Vinegar]

Looks like Jade is channeling Vivian from the Young Ones!!!

[Paddy]

Actually Jade with the beard looks distressingly like Mugato from Zoolander! Genius Photoshopping all around. Brava

[amy]

Rich,
you don't know me, but DAMN, i love you.
my ANTM watching is now only half complete when each episode is over.

[I loved Lisa too. I weep for the lack of her.]

[jmjm]

Dear Rich --

I'm glad you're feeling better! I've been checking this page multiple times each day in gleeful anticipation.

Dare I say I enjoy your animated-gif madness and snippy commentary more than the TwoP recaps? I think I do.

Also, I love your cats. Keep up the good work!

[Sarah]

Holy crap this is funny stuff! And I wholeheartedly agree with you on your keen analysis. Thank you thank you thank you!

[Mer]

Jade looks like the Star of David in the form of a person.

[Christine]

That pie chart is SO hilarious, and SO on. When I watch, I don't realize how crazy Miss J is. thank god for this recap.

And Furonda's hand is hypnotic...wow.

[david]

lol @ Tyra animation.

[spazmo]

Whoah. I've never considered the distinction between fairy tales and nursery rhymes until just now, but you're right. Maybe they just ran out of well-known fairy tales.

Or maybe they're saving the Brothers Grimm for next cycle.

And after that they could dress everybody up as popular urban legends!

Miss J - "Ok, Sasha, you're the girl who got her kidneys stolen. Work that surprised agony, girl!

[jamillah]

i can't believe they're allowing a more human portrayal of jade so early in the competition. made for a very boring episode.
but as long as they keep furonda in makeup that makes her look ashy, and as long as she [furonda] keeps wearing flouncy, wide-armed shirts that make her look like the shogun of harlem, i will keep watching.

[Jacquie]

Inspired recap! Stunning! I am with you on Duh-Gina, and I really enjoyed her freak out. I can't believe she made it one step with the roach, they were gross and disturbing.
I especially love your montage of Gina's freak out, in one of the early clips where she is rearing back she looks a lot like Miss Swan from Mad TV - the lipstick helped.

I am with you on Furonda, she reminds me of that girl from cycle 2 who was a cashier at Walgreens who made it to final 3 or 4 and is now back at walgreens. I never got her either (except in some photos).

Do you get the feeling that Nigel Barker pinpoints one lady to flirt with / use and abuse from the victims? He always seems to creepily favour one girl (though I think he's hot when he keeps his mouth shut.) I don't know which way he plays but he comes of as slightly sexual predatorish.

Thanks Rich!!

[ragingindie]

Rich, you double my pleasure, double my fun. I too cannot hate Jade, just as I couldn't hate Yaya. Remember also that Sarah C4 had Kari lips (or did Kari have Sarah Lips?). Have we run out of unique characters that everyone is a reincarnation of someone else? And when is the Second Coming of Elyse?

[sara]

fear not rich, i predict that next week gina's standing up to jade will translate to a fierce photo where she finds her inner confidence. she and jade will be kept in for drama as long as tyra can possibly justify it. next week i'm guessing leslie gets axed, since the only thing she's done to stand out so far is have quite possibly the worst walk in antm history. much as i love brooke and joanie, i fear that they are two sides of the same coin and one of them will be leaving soon. whenever i see joanie's pictures i think that she really could have made it in the modeling world in 1987. sadly this is not her time.

[Gubba]

Don't worry about hating Jade. My hate for her is so great that I can easily cover for you. She's like a Burger King spoken word salad advert targetted at the "urban" demographic that lives in the suburbs. Really, I want to die every time words come out of her mouth. Recanize.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

there is nothing i can add. brilliant.

and thank you for pointing out the little boy blue distinction. and thank you for being happy over gina staying in our lives. and thank you for repeated mentions of 227. and thank you for (incorrectly) comparing your look to musto.

[BrnEyedGirl676]

Just a thought, but it looks like Tyra went a bit Photoshop crazy with her "Little Old Lady" picture. I KNOW she isn't that petite lately - it looks like someone sliced a good 30 lbs off her!

[jmjm]

I'm beginning to a expect Leslie will get the boot, too. When I peeked at the site before the season premier I thought she was a shoe-in to win, but after seeing her unspectacular photos and her "I need to do number two" walk, she is seriously unimpressing.

Gina is growing on me. It's like the more spazzy she gets, the better I like her. Furonda I just don't understand. Her face is odd. I don't know why the judges love Brooke so much; how many mediocre pictures can the girl have before "she's so wrong, she's right" no long cuts it?

I was kind of hoping for a bunch of gif-animations of the girls twisting their ankles in those ridiculous shoes. Or maybe that's just too painful to watch again.

[Saun]

WOOOWW! That hand is huge! I never noticed that before. Now it will be all I see. Furonda is pure strange. Danielle is definitely my hands down favorite. And I want to thank you for the pic w/ Jade's new beard. I laughed so hard I'm still crying.

[Desmon]

Wonderful ANTM recap, Rich!

Leslie walks as if she has scoliosis. Pretty girl, but she needs to control that spine.

I love Danielle! She is my new favorite.

For that Jared Gold runway walk, Ms. Furonda was missing one of those invisible dog leashes...you know, the ones you would get from an amusement park.

Miss J's imitation of Brooke's fairy tale photo is hilarious! When they showed Brooke's left hand, I laughed so hard at the little spastic, gang sign she was throwing up!

I knew which Vivienne Westwood show they were referring to because I remember seeing that clip on the Style channel where Naomi Campbell "fell on her booty"...LOL! Tyra's genius producers did not have the correct photo though. Naomi fell just as nicely as Danielle, smiling and everything - sans sprained pinky toe! :)

[Desmon]

This is the picture Tyra's producers meant to use. (courtesy of Papierblog)

[meg]

Kari is gone, and I'm heartbroken. Why does she get so much slack 4 having big lips when Brooke's face looks like a donkey's ass? Shes also like everyones 2nd favorite on the website still, but i knew they would off her, they always keep the dogs. i dont know if i can go on watching. Also, Tyra should be punished for making those poor girls walk in those things-i'm supprised my girl D didnt break her damn ankle.

[Tyra's Faux-toe]

See. I love this show. Have from day one. But now it's getting shitty. Why? Because it's so obvious that they are keeping those that add drama instead of those that have potential. vaGina doesn't take good pictures, is a screaming Margaret Cho look-alike during fashion shows and is really just a set of cheek-bones. Yet, here she stays. Still. Guess we have to see her tell Jade "You feel sorry for me----blink, blink---I feel sorry for you---blink, blink". Uh, that's telling her. Kari was no great beauty but her pictures (especaillythe ice one) were beautiful. Nnenna days are numbered even though she is the MOST beautiful girl they have cast. Ever. She looked all sullen and shit this week. Oh well, I'm putting my cash on Danielle. She literally wows me.

[Courtney]

Oh my god, so worth the wait. The pie chart almost killed me!! And Jade is soo Mugatu...

[Tiffany]

I love love loveeeee your recaps they're always hilarious and right on point!

[Carly]

Gina not going home was bullshit. I miss pillow lips already. (Oh wait, that was the girl from last season. Whatever, it's adaptable.)