Bravo totally got the editing wrong. No matter how much they'd have to fudge chronology, the above shot should have been the show's parting glance. The only thing that would have made it more perfect? If it were Andraé sitting with Tim, instead of Santino. Andraé sitting with Tim, wearing a lobster bib.
Anyone, one show left...
I know: bitch, bitch, bitch. Yeah, this show's been good to us, but no lie: Heidi might as well have come into my living room and announced, "This week's challenge will be getting through the episode. You have one hour and zero dollars. Byeeee!" Bitch. Maybe it was the lack of tension inherent in an elimination-free episode. Maybe it was just me being pissy that they stretched this shit out so that the finale-finale airs the same night as the two-hour ANTM premiere and one night before the Lil' Kim show so that next week, I'll be up to my balls in screencaps and reality garbage. Maybe it's that after last week's drama camp spectacular, anything would have paled in comparison. I mean, I don't know if even scenes of the childbirth Heidi underwent during this episode's timespan would have helped. Well, maybe if the baby, upon its vaginal dismount, instead of crying screamed, "Sixteeeeeen deeeesigners!!!" and Heidi countered with (what is in my opinion, her greatest hit:) "I'm cuh-fused!" Maybe then the episode would have been more special.
Otherwise: boring. And when not boring: annoying.
1. Really annoying.
"Ugh, I love it," he said about this purse he designed. Ugh is right.
And as if the boasting weren't bad enough, I had to listen to him whine incessantly about not being praised enough. The golden boy rusts! Boo hoo. I counted six seemingly separate instances of bitch-assedness, which we'll review now, just in case there's doubt that Daniel has pretty much taken over taken over Santino's role of class douchebag.
One: "As I'm showing Tim my collection, I was thinking to myself, like, why isn't he saying more? Like, why isn't he piddling in his panties over excitement?"
Because it's much more fun to shit on you, Daniel. Tim's a scat man, anyway.
Two: "I was surprised how little Tim said about my collection, and I was slightly...offended."
Three: "Tim just came and was like, 'Hm. Yeah. Hm. Hm.' And I was like 'WHAT?' I love it. I love it."
The squawked "WHAT?" combined with the expression and hubris made for a very Skeksi-esque designer.
Four: "When I first showed Tim my collection, I was actually quite surprised because he wasn't very vocal about it. But I think when he sees it all pulled together on a body, I think he'll really be blown away."
Five: "He kinda held back and it's a little nerve-wracking, 'cause usually, you'd love people to fawn over your stuff."
Shoot him. Seriously.
Six: "Tim hates me."
Yeah. He's not the only one.
I do wonder, though, how much of this commentary (at least that which appeared in the confessional segments) was shot after the winner was announced. If it's any, this could be winner Daniel harping on the fact that Tim doubted him and how foolish that was. Whatever way you cut, pin and sew it, though, Daniel's a prick.
2. Am I going to cause a rupture in the space-time continuum by posting this?
"Y'know, of course, I've like read every shitty blog." Now, if Santino would link to this, he'd be a television personality commenting on the Internet on another comment on the Internet on a televised comment about reading comments on the Internet about television. Do it, baby! Let's create a wrinkle in cyberspace.
I felt bad when Santino was talking about his major insecurity. He has a point about him being his toughest critic and I hate to think that I could have said something especially about his appearance that would have hurt his feelings. But, at the same time, if you're going to relish being the person we love to hate (in the third person, no less!), and get fame out of the deal, you're going to have to deal with the hate. Sorry. You put yourself out there, you get scrutinized. The end. The downside is that people say mean things. The upside is that as long as you're on TV, some people don't care to see past that and you get laid more. It's a trade off. Enjoy it.
"If there's a lesson I've definitely learned, it's that I'd definitely think twice about saying something about someone I don't know." Bullshit! The guy is a born critic. And don't try to get all high and mighty. We know we aren't penetrating your soul, Santino -- we know you're a real person, but when we talk about you we're talking about a television character who we're fully aware is edited and packaged. Finally, in the words of Tyra Banks, "Everybody talks about everybody."
3. Plus, is it better to say things about people you know?
"I feel like Chloe's collection just looked like a couch was comin' at 'cha."
Ha! He's 100 percent right. Shit-talking has its place.
Please don't throw it away.
4. Tim visited all three designers at home, as they were readying their collections. We learned that...
Santino is good friends with Tony Ward.
It's weird not seeing him masturbating in a tub or making out with Madonna.
Chloe's mother doesn't really like strangers.
And Chloe has about 8,000 sisters. Despite what this artist's rendering suggests, they don't really look like Osmonds.
Daniel's mom cut was intentional.
He was all, like, sprung for praise when Tim complimented it. Bad, Tim! This look from the past was so much better on Daniel:
If he'd go back to that, I'd consider getting over getting over him.
5. Here's another ANTM crossover:
He was just shown for a split second, doing nothing in this episode. On ANTM he was more active, sitting alongside Nanette Lepore during the go-see episode of ANTM Cycle 3.
You may remember when he called Eva "piggish," displaying a horrifying, perhaps hilarious lack of self-awareness.
But see? Everybody talks about everybody!
6. Heidi is such a liar!
"While you guys all are having fun with the champagne, I'm having the lovely apple cider, but anyway..." Yeah. Anyyyyywaaaaaayyyy. Way to make a point to tell us that, Heidi. Now I really believe you. And whatever, you know she's the type to go Geek Love and ingest crazy shit so that she'd have a very special child. A child who would have sewing machines for hands and could scream "Sixteeeeeen deeeeesigners!" upon leaving the womb.
7. And there's more were they came from:
I love how reunited-and-it-feels-so-good the placement of Santino's hand is. Gorgeous.
8. OK, so yeah. I lied. I am gonna miss this show.
"Wave goodbye," she says over and over, without words, as though she can't bring herself to make a sound. As though she needs this show, lest she be trapped as a mime forever. She looks so sad. I don't like to see her sad.