Wendy's frosty

God, ANTM, way to eliminate Wendy without developing her subplot or even telling us where she was from. How cheap. I mean, really, what was her deal?

Whatever. At least she's smart.

See ya, 'Trina. You weren't the baddest bitch. You weren't even the fourth baddest bitch.

But here are the saddest bitches:

18. Sara

After being transformed into a cockatiel, Sara cried about it on the phone with her boyfriend. She was all, "Squawwwwwwk!"

19. Mollie Sue

She does have feelings!

20. Wendy

Hurricane sad hurricane flood blahblahblah. She had no business being on this show and I'm glad ANTM was merciful about not extending the Katrina shit any longer. There's taste in the show's tastelessness!

Case in point:

Tyraism of the Week: "Danielle reminds me of the girls that I grew up with. In Inglewood.

Like, 'Yo, you wanna go hopscotchin'? I'm first. Oh no you diin't, Tyra.'

Just like that kind of energy, where you think they're, like, angry, but really it's not really angry, but it seems like it is?

That's what she reminds me of."

I love this for many reasons. I love that Tyra gets so into character that she can't break it even after completing her around-the-way-girl imitation. I love Tyra's unfailing ability to work in her past in this show's every crevice. I love that even in her fantasy, Tyra's getting pushed around ("I'm first!"). I love what a kiss-ass Twiggy is. I love hopscotchin'.

Speaking of the past (especially in light of those brilliant comments on last week's post comparing Miss J to 227's Pearl)...

So, as much as I think that Miss J works best in small doses and really shouldn't be a permanent judge, I have to hand it to him for always doing his part to make fun of himself.

That's great.

That's not. He really is going to count down the girls via his shirt every week. Is he just assuming that he's better with numbers than we are? I'm kind of insulted.

1. Makeover week!!! I looooove makeover week. A little disappointing that no one threw a total fit and that the only tears it sprung forth were from Sara (and rightfully so, I think -- it's like they attempted to make a circle edgy). Anyway, here are the before and afters:

All improvements, I think, with the exception of Sara and Jade. Tyra told Jade that they wanted to make her "softer, sweeter, elf-like."

So to accomplish that they gave her a Pigford poodle?

All wrong. Not like that was a possible goal, anyway. I think the only way to make Jade softer, sweeter and more elfin would be to do this:

2. Oh, and then, the girls had to pick out their personal style with help from the gays, I mean, J's. See if you can notice the pattern of delusion that emerged.

Chic? Glam?!? They'd have more luck making over the entire viewing audience by crazy-gluing our eylids shot, one disciple at a time, than convincing us that these dimestore hoes are chic and glam! At least they got Duh-Gina right with the "simplistic" part.

3. Jade, by the way, is insane. She's annoying and awful, but she kind of breaks my heart, too.

But whatever, I shouldn't waste my time feeling bad for her. She's a souljah sister (you know after she said that, she was all, "We are at war!"). I mean, she lives in New York City, the belly of the beast, for Chrissake! Bitch is hard.

I love that Furonda totally cracked up at the "belly of the beast" comment. Really, does Jade think she's Rick James or something?

Furonda is unflappable, even in a tiara not fit to be sold at Ricky's.

4. And speaking of Furonda:

God, if only everyone were so upfront. And, y'know, compulsive.

These are actually pretty sensible. I do love the first one, though -- she may end up treating you like shit. You'll get back what you give, if you're lucky.

I'd like to point out that the note she gave out...

...had a nicer tone than these rules did when taken out of context (I mean, the first words are, "I will respect you..." and then the end leaves the door open for receiving tips from the other girls!).

I'd also like to point out that Furonda left a few rules off the list. Namely:

Of course, it's a little too late for No. 7.

5. I like Furonda's new weave, but Jesus Christ, why didn't they do something about her eyebrows during the makeover?

I think eyebrows are the most important facial feature, and right now, she's hosting a pair of rainbrows.

I don't know why, but I also feel compelled to do this:

6. Jesus Christ, Kari, enough with the lips, already!

7. Lord.

Poor, sad Naima graced us with her presence. She advised the girls on how to apply Cover Girl makeup.

She's a total Cover Girl expert. Maybe one day she'll get to make businesswomen look like whores and spray perfume in people's eyes while working behind the counter at Macy's. It's something to aspire to, at least.

8. Lord, redux:

Apparently, Nicole's life as a Cover Girl involves talking about Queen Latifah's life as a Cover Girl. Jealous?

Nice that Latifah contacted Nicole via flatscreen, instead of, y'know, actually meeting her. Also nice that Nicole refers to her as "Queen" and not "Latifah," which is how it's usually shortened. Looks like someone hasn't been listening to their copy of Nature of a Sista'.

9. What?

10. OK, so I know she's stunning and poignant and kind and perfect and everything, but Nnenna has begun the journey toward my nerves. If things continue in this way, she'll be all up on them in no time.

Way to pigeonhole yourself. God. That's Tyra's job.

This was even more irritating:

She chose Duh-Gina and Jade to share in her prize because she thought she could get them to talk if she brought them together. This isn't America's Next Top Peacemaker! Can it, Mandela.

Nnenna is anti-drama. It may be her undoing.

11. This exchange between Duh-Gina and Jay illustrates exactly why I never have anything nice to say about him.

Duh-Gina: (Exasperated, as though she's been requesting help for a while) I just want to know what I'm doing wrong.

Jay: This is what you're doing. Do you understand? As opposed to...

...like, nailing it.

Very specific with the visuals. And clearly, Duh-Gina was doing it wrong instead of doing it right. Double duh.

He's so articulate. It's everyone else in the world who's wrong for not having the key to decode his nonsense.

12. Is it just me, or does celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe resemble the Tara Reid of the future, as displayed in the Gallery of the Absurd?

13. Oh yeah. America's next top bubble fiend made the opening sequence!

I don't know about everybody else, but I love Lisa.

14. I'm sending you out with a bonus Tyraism: (To Furonda -- who else?) Your photo last week was (imitates the Baron Harkonnen).

Of course, that's nothing without the accompanying face:

I'm so glad Tyra hasn't lost her expressive talents. I'm dubbing this cycle "Faces 2: Electric Oogaloo."

Comments

[Missfifilopez]

I ALWAYS look forward to your posts and must say that your outlook on ANTM episodes are so true and even more entertaining than the show itself!!!

-Fi

[Gabriel]

Absolutely brilliant commentary, as usual.

[mr. Prince]

wee *second comment dance*

I personally think that wendy's nose was her undoing; especially considering that Leslie is wendy with a better nose XP

Miss J was fab as usual; love him.

it's kind of Weird that Kari now looks like a Briget Bardot/ Kate Bosworth crossbreed, but I loved her this week; but her lips do need damage control.

the makeovers were good,but Jade is on my last nerve; and how can Nnenna annoy you? well, I could see how that could happen so, feh XP

now that i've seen the original paper, the rules are great, and kind of sweet in a 'don't start none, won't be none' kind of way.

12. no, she looks exactly like that; no wonder she wears those big sunglasses all the time XP

And Lisa is still fab; was there ever any doubt of this? not from me

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Rich, you are well on your way to becoming America's Next Top Gayboy To Win WWJDD's Heart.
Hilarious.
but not so hilarious was Furonda's awful skin. i actually started smearing Pro-Activ on my tv screen.

[Courtney]

I was sooo hoping you'd bring up Nigel's comment at panel...

[mpc]

did you catch the amazing exchange between naima and gina at the makeup counter? it went something like:
naima: blah blah blah something about now making a line of foundation on your neck.
duhgina: oh yeah! that is my neck!

also i think tyra was banking on sara having a much bigger tantrum than she did. i mean why else would you give that haircut to someone? nnenna looks good but i bet her head will come back to haunt her when they judges tell her that her only look is 'striking' and she can't do hair-flipping glam like the other girls. mollie sue can totally pull off her haircut, and for the photo shoot it seeemed the makeup artists did everything they could to make her look exactly like mia farrow. i'm still way into brooke, but i wish they'd made her blonde.
and nigel misspoke at judging: jade needs to get spayed.

[miss]

i haven't even read this whole entry yet, but i'm dying laughing already...

..found your site from a blog recomendation comment today on www.amNY.com (yes one of the free newspapers).. and so now i'm totally gonna RSS feed yo shiz..

looking forward to more!

[brandy]

Poor Furonda looks like a wet cat with macaroni brows.
They will keep Jade on for the drama factor, every season needs a shit stirrer.
There is no girl that Im in love with yet, they are all rats or girls who were voted "prettiest" in highschool.

[carolyn]

Y'all have to, have to look at "pulling a cassandra" and "condi is not a model" from the episode 2 video extras on the UPN site! Jay does a kick ass al sharpton impression. I just can't hate him any more, he used to gross me out, but now i see that he just doesn't give a *#$@! Wow, I think i might even admire him.

[raging indie]

Heeee.

Totally agree about Lisa, I was pumped to see her in the opening credits. Why Naimeh is in that same title card, I'll never know.

Jade may need to get laid, but I "yayed" that she stayed.

[mdizzy]

OMG- i laughed sooo hard at the second furonda/gremlin comparison. i showed my bf this site and he totally agreed, then said she would probably be mad. i don't know how, shee looks dead like him. thanks for always making my day

[Foxy]

Wait...does this mean Cover Girl actually kept on Naima?

Mollie Sue is the new Nicole from Cycle 3, don'tcha think?

[aj]

God, Naima is quite possibly the most boring human being alive! She's super pointless on the show...

I was ready to reach into the tv and slap Jade...girls with low self esteem tick me off...

Mollie Sue looks like a pixie...her, Brooke and Nnenna are my faves right now. I forsee Nnenna suffering from early fave backlash and nobody likes someone who's good at everything...

Miss J's shirts got old, like, yesterday...I can't not love him though.

Thanks for another great recap Rich!

[Jamie]

I felt so bad for poor Naima, she looked so defeated as she was schilling for Cover Girl, like they forbade her from answering any questions that don't involve mentioning the "Queen" line for ethnic girls.

I want to like Jade because everyone hates her but her "I haven't spoken to my family since my makeover" line made me wretch. Personally I want Brooke to go on with bad mannish self and win it all.

[Gayest Neil]

Those lips! I thought Amanda Lepore snuck into the photoshoot.
And Tyra is so utterly controlling. You know for a year she seethed about getting her Mia Farrow hair on some poor girl. Man oh man.
And Jade is insane. She's crrrrrazy. And, yeah agreed, Ms. Anti-drama's routine is gonna get old fast...even if she's perfect, absolutely perfect and kind and patient and beautiful.

[Molly]

Thanks for the great start to my friday morning! I love love love love love you and your ANTM recaps! You are the shiz!

ABSOLUTE SHIZ!

[Gayest Neil]

OH MY GOD. I forgot about poor, utterly defeated, utterly beaten-down Naima. Oh Lord, poor, poor Naima. Obviously Covergirl keeps her in a wire cage and lets her out only to mumble praise for afro-centric blush and creams. Then back in the cage!

[Sheila]

The poor girls. You could just see the disappointment in their eyes when they came so, so close to getting rid of Jade. But at the same time, I love how the others aren't even taking her seriously. During her little rant, Sara, Mollie Sue and Furonda were just laughing at her. I would have paid to see Kim and Nicole doing that to Bre last season when she was all, "God don't like ugly."

But I know what you mean about feeling sad for her. It became abundantly clear that she's not just arrogant, but actually a bit tragically nutty. No less irritating, though.

Re. Nnenna - "Way to pigeonhole yourself. God. That's Tyra's job." It's also a really easy look to nail (well, maybe not for me, but you know what I mean). Perhaps she was being strategic.

[Justin]

my favourite moment of the show... and perhaps ever... was when nigel called furonda "ET in a wig".

[Allysia]

Luv,luv your post...While trying to play the rhyming game with Jade's name in panel, Nigel blurts out 'Jade just needs to get laid' refering to the reason she may have a bad attitude. I'm surpised many people didn't catch it, it was kinda funny.

[juliet]

GAAAH NIIIcooole.... Her Elle spread: booring. Where is the Emoting With The Eyes? Where is the "and this and this and this and this"?? I think she is still Resting On Pretty.

[Kitten]

Didn't Furonda used to date Brigette Nielssen? What'd she do with the clock and viking helmet?

[juliet]

to JAMIE! Oh yes! I heart Brooke as well. Not so much at frist, but did you see that girl pose? She's the bomb dot com!
And NENNA I see how she is the girl that can win everything, but without sooome attitude how can any girl be that FIERCE of a model? Hm.

[tia]

thanks for the recap. i feel like i was at home watching instead of waiting in line to see a show. upn is buggin with the re-airs but i hope to catch it soon.

[darell]

Nicole was awful and upstaged by Queen Latifah!
I can't stand her. Most overrated winner ever and her Elle Spread was so overhyped yet fug.
Not a Naima fan but her measly 2 pg spread was better than Nicole's overhyped 7 page spread. Nicole had the same expression on all of them.