And back to Africa she goes!

It turns out that Brooke's comment, Crashy or not, was a curse. Ooga booga, y'all. Oh well, Nnow nnothinng's inn Nnnenna's way on her quest to become America's Next Top AFRICAN Chemist. She's gonna achieve it, too, worldly as she is.

But for real: THANK YOU TYRA! Thank you for this! Thanks for keeping Jade around because the vocabulary she has in her pinky is more colorful than anything Nnenna has in her larynx (dropped g's, failed r's and all). Thank you for keeping Furonda around because her face is much more...interesting than Nnenna's one of perpetual gloating.

Thanks for clearing the path for a Top 2 featuring Joanie and Danielle. And thanks for shaking things up, for being unpredictable (however predictable being unpredictable has become). Even though, y'know, I knew Nnenna wouldn't win, whatever, I'll still act shocked and play along. You did a good thing, Tyra Banks. Mama's proud.

This is an occasion so joyous that it's virtually tear-free. The sole crier?

58. Jade

Weeping over the departure of new best friend Nnenna. I get the feeling that Jade has a lot of new best friends. I get the feeling that Jade cries a lot.

It's unsurprising that more of them weren't weeping, though, as the Tyraism of the Week at judgment was bizarre enough to confuse all their tears away.

"Nnnenna, you started this competition at the top of the pack. You had that it thing. But that it thing is fading."

Ah yes, that it thing. Tyra could fill a thimble with the specifici-tea she's been brewing this cycle. I do believe that the flower in her hair has sucked up every last drop of sense the woman had. And it's not like she started with a full tank.

(Insert Chewbacca noise here.)

Meanwhile, please allow this week's Jwatch to serve as a cautionary tale.

If you're going to be this expressive in public, you're going to come across as an asshole. Such an asshole, in fact, that you'll be almost impossible to look at. You'll struggle to pick up a child prostitute, and you want to experience Thailand to its fullest, don't you?

So stop right where you are, remain perfectly still and don't express anything.

There. That's...better?

Nice pigtails, though.

Anyway, enough with the hating. Onto the love.

1. Oh, and there is love. Lots and lots of love.

How do I love thee, Danielle? Let me count the ways.

• "My uterus is, uh, probably flat as a pancake right now."

Quote of the cycle, quote of the year, quote of the entire existence of the show. I dare anyone to find me a better one.

• Although this one is almost as good. In the realm of travel commentary, "Forget the gap, sucka, I'm goin' to Thailand!" is the new "Pack your bags, y'all, you're goin' to Milan!" And that is a big thing to be.
• Sucka.

Not being one to ever pass up the chance to reference "Buffalo Stance," I give you an excerpt of the track with Neneh Cherry's "sucka"s replaced with Danielle's. It's never sounded better.

• Who's lookin' good today?

Danielle's lookin' good today!

• Realness!

• A cool mom is a plus.

That's her mom warning her not to go the way of last cycle's Cassandra who didn't cut off enough of her hair and ended up spiting her face. Danielle's mom knows this shit!

• A colorful vocab: she's cantankerous and...

...you better watch, don't mess with her.

• And yes, I went through a similar how-do-I-love-thee session for Bre. This means that Danielle has officially replaced Bre in my heart, which is cool because Danielle can actually model.

(Apropos of little, when I went searching for an airbrushed heart to place Danielle's face in, I found this. It's supposed to be for kids. Buy it for that budding anarchist or future union member today!)

2. And maybe the biggest contribution Danielle has made to my heart is her in-it-to-win-it attitude, the fact that she sucked it up and went forward with the gap removal.

But Jesus, after so much talk about closing gaps, you start to feel like you're in an Alice Walker novel.

And even more so when you consider the fact that what it comes down to is that Danielle received a mouth clitoridectomy (the perfect way to compliment vagina arms, no doubt):

Oddly, Danielle is now possessing the secret of fierce.

3. I'm dusting the old Bug-O-Meter off for old times' sake.

Look at her, confident and kicking ass. Twiggy was a fountain of good quotes this week, many of which benefited from her sudden, endearing British-ness (is that a Jade word?). "Nnennar." "I love that, you see," on Danielle being country. But the best thing she said was, "Jade frightens me, don't leave me in a room with Jade!"

Twigstack, you stay that sassy and next cycle your head will be floating over a Love-O-Meter each week. Guarantee it.

4. And speaking of the frightening one . . .

• It's downright spooky the way Jambi Jade properly predicted the outcome of this episode at the beginning of it, creating a bookend. In retrospect, it felt fabulous:

(She's playing Tyra)

(Nnenna and Furonda are up against each other in the end)

(Furonda wins)

Jade can see the future. She was right. Imagine that!

• Of course, she fucked the Tyraspeak all up (they were playing finale episode, so Tyra wouldn't be holding pictures anyway, the winner would show up on a screen, but even if Tyra did have pictures she wouldn't say, "I have one more picture left," she'd say, "I only have one photo in my hands.").

Imagine that!

• Before they left the house for Thailand, Jade looted it, the cheapskate.

Imagine that!

• "Proportionable."

Imagine that!

• Jade actually looks hot here:

Try not to get an aneuryism while imagining that!

5. And also on the subject of frightening:

I thought that dude knew a thing or two about makeup!

6.

7. Furonda's hand never ceases to amaze.

I know her fingers are really thin, but way her index finger bends in that shot reminds me of a crooked penis. Furonda Penishands!!!

But don't worry, she'll be safe. She's got plenty of money to spend on condoms.

8. I don't want to talk about George Wayne at all because I find him truly loathsome. Buuuuuut...

I have to note that it makes sense that he acts the way he does, considering that every "George Wayne Q&A" is more about him than his subject. (A recent example of Wayne's probing questioning: "(To Ian McShane:) Is that bush across your top lip real? Or is it a snap-on, you know, like a dildo?")

You don't say things like, "You look like an arrogant bitch to me," during an interview no matter who you are, because your wounded subject will pick her arrogant ass right up and walk right out of the room, leaving you with an incomplete assignment. He was just being a dick because he could be.

Ugh. And that high-society-meets-Jamaican-roots accent? Like curried foie gras.

Which is to say abhorrent, of course.

9. Hey look everyone:

Jay is fanning...

...the flames...

...of his faggotry!

Thanks for making this item so easy for me, Jay!

10. Continuing the Danielle love, this week's comic strip is devoted to her. You can call this one "Fish Juice."

Joanie can take solace in the fact that her bod looks bangin' to at least one homo:

Some consolation prize, I know.

Also, Joanie's fucking devious.

...and misunderstood...

Piece out!

11. I should have never called her Sara, Tall and Tall.

I should have called her Sara, Boring and Boring. Snore. Oh, and did you know that she's smart? I didn't!

Panel: dump her ass, already!

12. I was totally going to rag on Tyra for this:

Maybe say, "If by 'real' you mean 'shaped by the magic of Photoshop,'" but I won't go there. I'm still so pleased at Nnenna's dismissal, shaped by the magic of Tyrashop. This show has lost nothing over the years in watchability. The woman is a genius. Bravo! You are my TyTy Baby for now and for always.

(Note: I will be recapping, to whatever extent, the clips show that aired after this episode. That should be up on Monday. I really can't pass up the opportunity to revisit the wonders that are Duh-Gina and her teeth!)

(Note 2: I don't mean to sound like an asshole, because I appreciate being appreciated, but seriously, y'all, get off my dick. I never post recaps before Friday morning because it takes that much time to generate them. Sad, I know, but my carpal tunnel can attest to that being true. I work as fast as I can, and really, I'm the only source of pressure that I need. I don't go out on Thursdays ever because of this shit and I really, really don't need people breathing down my neck and getting all, "Jet-SON!!!" on me. Pissing me off slows me down. Even though I know that asking where the recap is comes from a place of love, it sounds pretty fucking rude from over here. Thank you for understanding.)

(Note 3: In retrospect, the note above seems too cantankerous. The last thing I want to come across as is an ingrate. "Oh, poor me! People want to read what I have to say! What will I ever do?" That's gross. Anyway, just rest assured that, as Joanie might say, the fire I have lit under my own ass burns the midnight oil.)

Comments

[leisa]

again, brilliant as always!

[Andie]

I laughed for about 5 minutes when Twiggy said that Jade scared her and not to leave her in a room with Jade. Wickedly awesome and oh so true. Jade scares me, too.

[Michael]

danielle is the greatest thing ever in the history of the world.

[meg]

I will spread the love for my girl D too-when she suctioned Jade's head, i lost it! However as gorgeous as Danielle looked in her picture, it was Joanie who took my breath away-we have a wiener:)
PS-LOVE the title:)

[T-Dawg]

OMG! Thank you for this!! Having a rough morning with allergies but your unfrozen caveman photographer brought me to tears! I had to cover my mouth with both hands because I was howling in my office cube.

You sir, are my crack.

[Jill]

You take however long you need, your re-caps are always worth the wait! And 2 for the price of 1 this week - fantastic!

[karen]

Where's mah recap?!!

Nice one =)
I did a little happy dance when Nnenna got the boot.

[Just little me]

I thought the episode sucked. Nnenna's dismissal was ridiculous. If they wanted to get rid of her, fine, but at least give her a reasonable justification. As usual, the panel dismisses people with justifications that don't meet reality. With Toccara she was "losing her fire" (actually, they didn't want to keep a larger-size woman around). With Nnnenna she was "coasting along". Well, if you are the prettiest one of the bunch and actually have some brains, I guess you would be allowed to coast along, wouldn't you? What will they say about Furonda? They won't tell her that she goes good on film (touch-ups anyone?) but bad on camera. They probably got rid of Nnenna because Covergirl doesn't want a too-dark black girl as spokesperson. As in all reality shows, producers have a lot of say when it comes to dismissal of contestants and I am sure that Covergirl wants the judges to pick the winner who fits their demographics better. Example: Why the hell did they pick Nicole over Nic last season? I wonder...

[Tallsonofagun]

Genius, as usual.

So happy to see Nnenna go. She looks like a model in person. She's got a model's name. She acts like a model with her phone hogging, air of superiority and clueless ideas of also being an African AIDS curing chemist (i.e. thinks she's smarter than she is). She has the ability to take beautiful pictures (although I think she really just perfected one look and hasn't varied from that in most of the shoots). All that and she still wasn't fierce... or even interesting. Seriously, if you've got all that going on and still don't generate any heat, then you deserve to go. Bye bye Nnenna, don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out of the fabulous Thai hotel. Hope the whiny boyfriend still wants to bone you now that you're a loser.

Go Danielle and Joanie. With the snaggle teeth gone, Joanie looks fabulous in every shot and is just conniving enough to push her way to the top. However, my money is on Danielle. She rocks this fag's world. Looks, height, personality, down home ghetto fabulousness and she takes incredible pictures. Love her! - 'love' spoken in a higher register and stretched out just enough to not be mistaken as said by someone who likes vagina.

[E]

'Tis the price of fame Richard, people can't get enough of you. I imagine you chained to a typewriter, 'Misery'-style, weeping, as your hands turn more and more arthritic.

[Will]

Hey why didn't you re-cap the show after this one also. Just kidding man. Great re-cap as always. I watched the show but did not realize that Jade predicted the final two! I knew she was not of this planet.

[Just little me]

I loooove Danielle but she is not winning this thing at all. Joanie is the obvious winner because she "improved" along the show (got her teeth fixed) and has a better "public persona" (i.e., that's judges' speak for 'she's not too ethnic'). I love Danielle, I hope she succeeds in her modeling acreer. The other 3 are just delusional about being models.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

oh my god, as i was watching Jay fan himself, i flashed on the same Margaret Cho quote about Karl Lagerfeld...to see you quote it is....well, it makes all good in the world.

And Danyelle? i love her more than life itself. Anyone who drops "sucka" into her sentences is alright in my book.

[kesha_nc]

Thanks for the recap, Rich. Now that I've had my ANTM fix for the morning, I can proceed with my day. I was very upset that Nnenna got eliminated, I really thought it should have been Sara, Tall and Tall. She has no self-confidence whatsover. Hell, she was found in a mall!!! Anyway, I wish my girl Nnenna was still there but, alas, the show must go on (By the way, I always sing her name, "Nn-nn-nn-nnennna" like the Chia Pet jingle, "Ch-ch-ch-chia"!) Jade is still a bitch with an extra-curricular vocabulary, and I'm sooooo rooting for Danielle and Joanie!!! P.S. "Piece" of mind... some ANTM broadacast intern was fired for that!!!

[kesha_nc]

LOL... just like I typed "broadacast"... my bad!!!

[moss]

Well, if you are the prettiest one of the bunch and actually have some brains, I guess you would be allowed to coast along, wouldn't you?

Just little moran, the show is not called america's next top CHEMIST. There is no coasting!

[Jill]

Thank you for the terrific recap - you made my morning! Thought Tyra's judging was funny this time around with the focus on Furonda's disco dress. Who knew that that slightly tacky dress could be solid grounds for elimination! Agree with all the Danielle love - am a Fanielle myself! Think that she and Joanie have shown the most heart in this cycle's crop, and I do love how Joanie submits to the game and plays along so well. If only she didn't look so Celine Dionish in some angles . . . Pls give Winston a kiss and a pet from me! Thx again!

[Just little me]

Re: Moss. "Moran"? Who is "Moran"? Do you mean "Moran" as Margaret Cho's birth name? Or do you mean "moron"? God, I guess Nnenna is ACTUALLY smarter than you. A chemist would not make a typo like that.

[Will]

Good one Moss.

I love those "This is not America's Next Top....." comments.

[brandy]

I hope the final two are Danielle and Joanie.
If there is a higher power it will be.
Your recaps are always the highlight of my Fridays, but I guess Ive been reading your blog long enough to know that it's Fierce Fridays, Winston Wednesdays(sometimes)
People need to understand and respect that genius takes time.

[RaJ]

Guys, Joanie's not going to win, she's 24 years old. It's going to be Danielle.

[Tater]

Who ees this who dares to get upon your dick? Tell them to vacate IMMEDIATELY! Sheez... some peoples.... Parking upon a dick without so much as a pretty please....

Tater appreciates your recaps of this truly amazing show, because Tater is not able to watch it for himself.

Every time Tater sees Ms J, he throws up a little bit in his mouth..

so unnattractive. unapetizing too.

awww! Jambi! aww..

[moss]

Moran is an in-joke here on the internets. It's a reference to this picture:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-moran.htm

[moss]

But my point is, if a person wants to be respected for her brains, then "coasting" on a reality show is not the way to the top.