Les' be out

Usually in this space, I post a picture of the week's eliminated contestant looking particularly stupid. Call it schadenfierceness -- it's my way of twisting the knife of elimination, of saying, "That's what you get for entering a televised modeling competition, fool!" However, I couldn't find any dopey shots of Leslie. Is it that she's so ravishing that she can't take a bad screencap? Or, is she just that bland? I'm thinking it's a mixture of the two, in which case, I shout, "I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!!! Why didn't you play up the bisexuality your MySpace professes?!?!?!?"

Oh wait. Well, she did give Jay a look when he asked how she dances with guys.

And she did go topless while in the hottub with at least one other girl.

And there was the whole in-bed-with-Brooke thing.

And um, uh...

Hmmm. Yeah, I don't know then. Just bland I guess. The ghost of Alfred Kinsey weeps...

...and weeps and weeps...

40. Jade

Totally tripped out, indeed. It's like Fear and Loathing, hold the fear.

41. Sara

I think she cried because she couldn't take the pressure building up in her head from being at such a high altitude (in case you missed it, she's tall tall tall).

42. Brooke

Called Nnenna a "fucking bitch" and then retracted it. She cried because backpedaling really hurts!

43. Leslie

Boo...who?

44. Sara

Her head is going to fucking explode.

Maybe so will Tyra's! That'd be worth making a gif of, eh? Since that didn't happen this time, you'll have to settle for mere stills to accompany the Tyraism of the Week:

(On Danielle's picture) "Like you go close and, yeah, it's pretty and it's saucy, but it doesn't have that...

...(weird, breathy noise)...

...(another weird, breathy noise). All right!"

First of all, yay for "saucy." It is truly an awesome word, especially when emphasized by someone as dynamic in emotional range as Tyra. Second of all (weird, breathy noise)? Way to be specific, girl! Good thing Danielle doesn't have retinitis pigmentosa, or she wouldn't have a clue about how to improve!

Speaking of improvement, there are some people who just don't need it. That is why we have the Jwatch: to observe this perfect creature, who even in a pseudo-unkempt state, looks flawless.

Lord, windswept does him right. I wanna slap him on the cover of a romance novel.

I mean, clearly, he's in the mood for love.

But for real, I did enjoy his instruction on modeling jackets.

"When you're unbuttoning a jacket, it's easier to do it from the bottom up.

Because your hands are automatically up here...

...and you can just...

...come out of it."

Excellent. I'll remember that at the next ball.

I'll remember this, too:

1.

Yay! More spinning!

I bet that felt fabulous!

Oooh...twin fab!

OMG, can you stand the fabulosity?!?! Move over, Kimora Lee!

2. The twin-fab twirlers are none other than...

I guess they teach people how to spin for a living. And you thought runway coaching was a sham!

Regardless, Richard and Ron are wonderful at posing. They never weren't the picture of...a picture. My favorite was the way they placed themselves when reflecting on the girls.

Everything about that -- the sullen looks, the sweaters around the shoulders, the gorgeously sponged backdrop -- reads class. It's a lovely portrait. So lovely that it belongs in a glass.

3. And now it's time to play no one's favorite game!

Easter colors this time. Happy Jesus Week, everybody!

(The first item needs no introduction.)

• 

Imagine that!

• Jade can dance.

Imagine that!

• "Gendre."

Imagine that!

Here's a bonus "Imagine that!" from Mr. Jay:

• "Payless shoes are not only affordable, they're really hip."

Imagine that!

4. Ah, fighting bitches. I love them so. The episode's main conflict concerned Brooke, who flipped out at one icy, inconsiderate and unmoved Nnenna.

Cute, right? Even cuter was Danielle's assessment of the phone situation.

"Like, you see the sun rise, you see it set, you see the Eiffel Tower [huh?], you see the crows caught [added thanks to comments: 'cock?' 'caw?'] [regardless: what?]. All that goin' on and they still on the phone."

Want the cutest? It's Danielle's conclusion.

So adorable. But, of course, it's all fun and games till someone says, "Go back to Africa." Way to ruin everything, Brooke!

I say, go back to the "Tell It To My Heart" video.

5. Nnenna's kind of a cunt, but she tends to redeem herself with weirdness.

"I don't know what we're doin' on top of roofs," she said on her first impression of the photo shoot's location. "I can only imagine we're leapin' from the buildin'."

Leapin' Nigerians! How ethnic and sexy.

6. So, that church fashion show thing? Genius!

Way to recreate the feeling of being in a Black church with...

...a lot of white people?

Anyway, it's too bad that when we saw the announcer up close...

...it wasn't this guy...

...saying this. (Damn, my Paris Is Burning DVD is getting a workout). Oh, and I totally know what Jade's category would have been were this an actual drag ball:

7. Speaking of that, how great was this Tyra Mail?

So great, that I felt the need to insert Brooke and Leslie's readings where they belong, in RuPaul's "Supermodel (You Better Work)." Here is the girls' rendition.

And while we're on the subject...

Damn, Tyra used to be hot.

8. "Signature walk, signature walk, signatuare walk."

9. Sara is tall. She's tall. She's really tall.

As this show is extremely (tall) subtle, I know (tall) you may have (tall) missed that fact (tall), so I've (tall) compiled (tall) all the times (tall) her tallness (tall) was (tall) mentioned (tall) (tall) in the (tall) episode (tall) (tall) (tall). (Tall) I mean, listen.

I think that if a book on Sara's life were to be written, it would be this:

10. How cool is Joanie? So cool that being around her is like being in a comic strip! Click to enlarge! Or just grind your (soon to be removed, OMG, WTF?!?!) snaggle teeth!

11. Ah, Nicole. What of Fashion Week say you this episode, oh laureate?

"The tents are the place where everyone goes to watch all the shows." It is informative and it rhymes. It is a poem.

Next week, Nicole will recite a haiku about go-sees. Here is a preview:

A go-see is when
You go and see a client
Fierceness is crucial.

12. At the risk of being predictable, I'm sending you off with this:

Taking over by storm, y'all!

Comments

LOl! Another great one!

[Honey]

Rich, pure genius..the picture in the glass..priceless

I love the Paris is Burning Clips

[lurker]

Rich, thank you for posting those twirling twins! Those two were the highlight of the show for me. And Brooke's homely azz needed to be chin checked for that "go back to Africa" comment. I understand that she was mad at Nnenna, but that was unnecessary. I see she wasn't angry or bold enough to say that to her face.

And Ms. Jay needs to hit the gym for a few weeks before baring those flabby arms again. Ick.

[Ro1]

HAHAHAHAHA!!! GOOD ONE!!!

Wonderful recap........I "HEART" U!!!

[Mr. Prince]

Damn I love these, but not as much as i loved seeing leslie FINALLY go bye-bye ^^ ^.~ XD .

[BobbyWombat]

I missed this episode but man i dont think i need to cause this review was hilarious.. who got eliminated?? whatsherface eh oh well..

The sheer evilness(?)of your commentary is frightening!

LMAO!

If a sister is not the next top model, please let it be Joanie b/c she is the ish! Ms. Jay looked a H.A.M, with that hair!

[Tipsy McStaggers]

FANTASTIC recap!! The "Sarah Plain and Tall" reference was the best yet - love, love, love the look on her face in the cover. The twins on a glass was great too - totally reminded me of something you'd spend $48.00 trying to win at the fair.

[jake]

After last week's preview, I was praying Jade poured St. Ide's over herself during the photo shoot. I was ready to bust out the DJ Drank. Speaking of things that are best served in goblets, the Aswirl twins need to enter the Frank Ski Honorary Most Flaming Black Man contest after the "heigh-TH" comment about Sara. And, eerily, I predicted this week's recap headline.

[jamillah]

OPULENCE! NNENNA OWNS EVERYTHING!

[lovejoy]

"schadenfierceness." You're too clever.

[Penny Woods]

I never thought that Brooke was Taylor Dayne. I always thought that she was J-Lo doing Flashdance from the "I'm So Glad" video.

It's just me, I know it. Recapping ANTM is not my "gendre." ;)

[Tim]

Thanks for the "tall" montage and for including not just Sara's height but also her "heighth." It was my favorite thing in the entire episode.

[a.]

Did Jay speak of Payless Shoes with a straight face? Hip? Maybe so, because who really says hip anyway.

[licoricepirate]

lol @ the whole thing !!

[a.]

Hold up! As if not knowing "facade" wasn't enough, she says "gendre"...damn.

[raging indie]

Lordy. I bust a nut when I saw Miss Jay on the cover of a romance novel. Then I bust the other nut for Sarah, Tall and Tall. More book covers!

[Brandon]

I was wondering if the aswirl twins have ever messed around with each other ... or at least engaged in a threesome. Sick thoughts, I know.

And yeah, the whole thing was quite Paris is Burning. I saw that again on LOGO some night this week.

[Just little me]

After Brooke made that vile "Go back to Africa" comment about Nnenna, she absolutely secured the title of "America's Next Top Xenophobic Model". I wonder if her agent was already contacted by KKKMart for a possible ad campaign.

[alison]

I'm sorry, I thought brooke looked amazing in her picture. In the absence of mollie sue, I'm still rooting for danielle.

p.s. Nnenna's one cold bitch.

[Joe]

awesome! but i can't believe you didn't mention twiggy saying "clumping" instead of "crunking"! that was classic! love ur updates, love u! love + kisses + freestyle to boot!

[Clare]

Love the Brooke and Taylor Dane shot! Rich, you are awesome!! Sara is tall and did you happen to tally the mention of Payless shoes? Oh goodness. Joanie reminds me of Carolyn Mumford from "Sixteen Candles"--she has a certain 80s vibe about her. I wish we'd get to see pics of Sara's boyfriend--I picture him being really short, and chubby.

[Ms_Leo]

Great post as usual - it's my weekly Friday read. Let's not forget Jay Manuel's pep talk to all the Black girls before the krumping photo shoot. "Don't your Black sistahs down. Can you dance???" He was mess as usual.

Posted by Jake: "The Frank Ski Honorary Most Flaming Black Man contest"...priceless!

Until next week!

[peachi]

Ahhh love your commentary...

Question though:

Why does everyone keep calling Nnenna a "cold bitch?" She was featured on this episode (very manipulative editing) for about 1 total minute... was it bc she was laughing at Brooke? Well Joanie, Jade, Danielle and Sara were laughing too... was it bc she won't get off the phone? It's because she's got a crazy ass emo boyfriend and she's being manipulated by Jade (the true crack-bitch in the house)... let's not forget nnenna was the only one who tried to stick up for Gina and rectify the Gina/Jade problem! Also, wasn't Brooke the one who inferred that Nnenna was stupid (the chemist comment) and made the freakin "go back to Africa" comment... and then called her a fucking bitch?

*puzzled*

In any case, I miss Mollie Sue. Mollie Sue going home before Jade, Brooke, and Leslie was RIDICULOUS. As for favorites... I love Joanie and danielle...they are way too cool for school... I hope they make it to the final two (with nnenna being the third although I'm open to anyone except Brooke's megachin and Furonda at this point in the game)

Oh yeah... and I thought Furonda's picture was the best this week too...crazy what gremlins can do when they put a little effort in!

[Ms_Leo]

That's "Don't let your Black sistahs down!"