Everyone, play your copy of Michael Jackson's "Gone Too Soon" ('cause I know you own it) to mourn Mollie Sue's untimely departure. When you've wiped up your tears, please realize that this was inevitable. She suffered from what we (y'know, Tyra and I) call "lack of persona" from the start (even though that persona is clearly determined in the editing room, but whatever). Not unlike Rosemary Woodhouse, the fictional character whose hair hers was meant to emulate, she was cursed. Fucking with her and letting her hang around for a few more episodes would have been fun, but only in a necrophile sort of way.
And you know what? To put this all in perspective, large-handed Furonda...
...is the current front runner in the competition. Don't get it twisted. Life is unfair.
That said, I'm dedicating all these tears to M.S. I'll miss her bland confessionals most of all!
30. John, Nnenna's bf.
Hell yes, he counts. Just like Nigel or Tyra or Miss J or Mr. Bojangles (provided that he'd bless us with another a cameo) would count. Plus, y'know, it's always fun to mock blubbering boyfriends whose quivering voices occasionally grace this show (his call only could have been better if he'd warbled, "You FRENCH KISSED?!?!" a la Shandi's bf).
Just the thought of Tyra fall-down-go-booming was enough to send her into hysterics. It was like seeing a giant fall. Exactly like it.
Since we only got to see him for a second last episode, I took the liberty of estimating what he probably look like as he resumed his long-distance tears:
33. Mollie Sue
Sucked at the commercial challenge and knew it. At least she was prepared.
Started tearing up even before she filmed her commercial. Easy, cheesy, but tearful.
Resumed crying after her commercial. Unlike Cover Girl, tears are just so not nice to wear.
36. Mollie Sue
Which hurt more: being eliminated or rubbing up against Jade's snake skin? We'll never know.
Impressive: her heart is three sizes too small and she still cried!
Third time's a charm. Brooke is officially awesome (but not more so than Furonda, of course).
I don't know if it's me desperate for shots that explicitly illustrate the crying or if it's becoming some sort of fetish, but whenever I see shiny tear streaks across a face on this show, I'm like, "Yes!" But then, Danielle never disappoints.
Nor does Tyra. Especially if she's imitating Danielle, which she does in the Tyraism of the Week.
"All right, Danielle, so you know about the accent. (In Danielle voice) Perfection. You have to really study the other girls that have the newscaster accent, just the normal accent where no matter what city you're in, it's pretty much a standard accent."
Tyra, say "accent" again. I dare you. Ooh, and say "newscaster accent" again. I double dare you!
(But for real, her impression of Danielle was great, and it only got better. She really can act!)
And speaking of actresses, Miss J was more Pearl-y than ever, which Bill pointed out to me yesterday. Considering those bangs, I agree wholeheartedly. Check the Jwatch:
The spirit of Helen Martin guides him.
1. Jade's improvised Cover Girl commercial provided the high point of the season so far. I can't even do it justice and, really, don't you want to see it again anyway?
So, spinning felt fabulous, huh? She sounds like a gay kid in pre-first.
The moral of the story is: making these hoes think on their feet is a recipe for hilarity (though we've known that for a while -- remember when Shandi flipped into Jan Brady mode during a spokesmodel challenge when she described her fake line as a "hip, new, super-glam look?" Genius.).
I mean, Joanie?
Oh, and Danielle?
A future spokesmodel of the world. Clearly.
...whatshername can talk? Who knew!
2. Jade's commercial almost makes it worth putting up with her -- I mean, someone has to fill the void Gina left, right? Jade does so with bizarre behavior, an air of spoken-word "consciousness," nicenessness, incense and a series of revealing assertions. I find myself shouting, "Imagine that!" so often after Jade bestows upon us one of her pearls of wisdom. It's almost like a game. A really easy game that nonetheless would undoubtedly prove confusing to these girls and result in the editors playing that cricket-chirping sound effect they love, but a game all the same.
- Upon meeting her, everybody thinks Jade is an arrogant bitch!
- Despite "Ver-sayse"-like confusion over the word "facade," Jade still thinks she needs to write a book.
3. And also, imagine this:
A beautiful fantasy isn't it?
I knew it was fake, but I really never thought they'd actually tell us that it was fake. Shockingly, Tyra set us straight.
Whew! I was worried. I love how you can hear Danielle say, "That was a good job," in the sound clip. From anyone else, it would seem like ass-kissing. Danielle just sounded pissed. Danielle, I like how you keep it real.
And how about when Tyra did it again in judging and no one found it funny, and she looked to the side, all embarrassed?
That hair. That awkwardness. The woman really is becoming Valerie Cherish.
4. During the rapping challenge, I was really hoping Nnenna would bust out, "Who's that gigolo on the street / With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet." Just cuz back in the day, we used to say Neneh Cherry's first name incorrectly, pronouncing it just like Nnenna's.
Oh well. It was no "Buffalo Stance," but Nnenna's rap was hot.
Oh, and how awesome was Joanie for calling out Jade's below-the-belt bullshit?
5. Nnenna was named this episode's Cover Girl of the Week.
I have a feeling it's going to bounce between Nnenna, Danielle and maybe even Furonda from now on. Call it a hunch. Anyway, future installments may find the gushing pull-quotes about Nnenna looking something like this:
6. I loved Furonda and Nnenna's PSA.
Whatever. This, by the way, is what Furonda wants to do with her "supermodel status." I suppose it beats rocking a shower cap at the Cover Girl plant or stalking Molly Sims.
7. Poor Brooke.
She doesn't know how to rhyme.
I love that because she's either being so down and using "rhyme" instead of "rap," or she's admitting that she can't put words with like sounds together. She needs to join Jade in pre-first.
8. OMG, did you know that the order in which the girls go before the judging panel is selected randomly?
I didn't and I've been watching this shit all my life! It feels that way, at least.
9. Jay says: Don't sell me the side-effects.
I say: You're a side effect.
(Really, he is. And you can't even itch him away.)
10. Seriously, I can't get over it.
It feels fabulous.