Pouty 5000

It's all upstream from now on for America's Next Top Trout.

Nothin', baby, could compare to her lovely face...

...but she did have a helluva rack, didn't she?

And now, just to show how moved I am by Brooke's departure: tears. I wanna give a special shout out to muthafuckin' Tyra Banks for helping make this the cryingest episode since the season premiere.

Can you say, "machination?"

That tear stick is the most important invention to humankind since antiseptics. I need to get one so I can play America's Next Top Crying Bitches at home. Or even on the road!

45. Jade

You know how some people look gorgeous when they cry? Yeah...uh, no.

46. Danielle

I have nothing remotely smart-assed to say about Danielle's compassion. That's how you know it's really love.

47. Jade

Is she fluffed enough?

48. Brooke

She got all, "You're not worth my tears," when she was booted off, but before that, she showed us that she, indeed, was gon' cry.

49. Joanie

This was as touching as Danielle's cry above (Joanie wept when she found out she'd get her snaggletooth removed). God, show, stop making me actually like people!

50. Jade

Here's where the fun really starts!

51. Danielle

Crying...meter...going...

52. Furonda

...into...red...

(Oh, Raggedy Furonda.)

53. Brooke

...becoming...

54. Nnenna

...bombarded...

55. Sara

...Gavin Rossdale...lodged in head...

56. Joanie

Bad moon white again!
Bad moon white again!

57. Jade

There is no better way to follow up such profound words than with a picture of Jade. She didn't even need the glycerine, that's how real-fake she is.

Heh. Speaking of fake, didn't Tyra look hot at judging?

...for like one second? Until she went into this, which I had to make the (wordless) Tyraism of the Week:

Yeah, we've seen it before, but as long as she keeps bringing the oogly, I'ma keep capturing it.

No Jwatch this week. Don't be sad. Instead be angry over this:

1.

Tyra is full of shit. I'm really pissed that she's forcing Danielle to close her gap.

I was really happy that Danielle repeatedly refused (sucka!) to tamper with what is totally her signature, which, in fact, hasn't gotten in the way of a picture yet (notice the virtually uniform praise she's gotten on just about each one of her shots?). If Cover Girl doesn't like it, fuck 'em!

And fuck Tyra, too, while we're at it. No, no, no, no, no, when it's really hell no, no, no, no, no. Never before has she been more deserving of being called "Tyrant." If she's going to force orthodontia on people, I suggest the same be done to her. Here, I'll start. Here's Tyra in some lovely headgear:

Oh, and as a preview of what'll happen if Danielle indeed does go through with the procedure to get rid of her gap:

It's not right, but it's ok.

2. Something else that pissed me off was the horribly sadistic exercise in the beginning of the episode featuring one Deprise Brescia spewing insults at all of the girls to test their emotional strength.

As much as I love seeing the contestants humiliated, this bitch crossed the border of Nastyland and set up camp in Cuntsville.

On Nnenna:

"I need to see your stomach, 'cause your stomach lookin' a little big here."

On Danielle:

"And I see you got a nice little gap between your teeth, don't 'cha?"

On Furonda:

"Wow. I gotta tell you, you anorexic in some of these shots."

On Sara:

"Your bottom lip is a lot fuller than your top one."

On Joanie:

"Your ears are lookin' really big."

On Brooke:

"Has anybody ever told you that you kinda photograph a little masculine?"

On Jade:

"You photograph really harsh...like a dude."

All of these statements have some degree of truth to them and not a stitch of suggestion on how to improve or at least hide the flaws. Sure, Deprise, you can say sorry all you want, but you know you loved it.

There are some jokes that you just can't retract because they contain too much truth. It'd be like saying:

Tyra, you put on quite a few pounds since your modeling heyday, huh?

Just kidding!

Nigel, any hotness you have left is utterly devoured by your leering molesty-ness.

Just kidding!

J., you are approximately as intelligible as Paula Abdul under water.

Just kidding!

Twiggy, you fucking suck!

Just kidding!

Deprise, you're looking a little old to be trying to make it in acting.

Just kidding!

3.

Jay shared with us a wonderful story about his childhood: "When I was a little kid, my sister used to get me in so much trouble 'cause I used to steal her dolls all the time. That's because when you look at dolls, they've got perfect hair." Brilliant. As intelligible as Paula Abdul near water.

(Which one is Jay?)

I can't wait till he writes his memoir. He should call it No Synapse on Duty.

4. And now for a very cosmic edition of:

• Jade's mom does energy work.

She "pulls energy through the universe through her hands."

(Is that Reiki?)

Imagine that!

• The apple doesn't fall far from the Bodhi tree. Jade is very spiritual.

Heaven and hell
Earth power, wind force
Make me listen
And my strength will be my source

Imagine that!

• 

Cut to:

She really is that old. Imagine that!

• Jade has lines on her forehead.

Imagine that!

• Cutthroatingness.

Imagine that!

This week's Imagine That! special guest is none other than the world's first (and oldest, Jade will have you know!) supermodel, Janice Dickinson, in her most useless appearance in the show's history.

• Alcohol is her big thing.

Imagine that!

5. If only:

6. How sweet was it to see Nnenna and John together?

Reunited and it feels so...awkward.

They wouldn't exude the statement "Love is..." more if they were two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

I mean awwwwww:

7. Hot or not: Alexander Rankovic?

Actually, don't answer that, because I know you're going to be like, "OMG!!!! WITH A SPOON!!!" just like my bf was and I'm going to get even more of a complex and go increasingly crazy until the day that that Cross Crunch I ordered shows up on my doorstep. This show makes you feel really bad about yourself!

And, anyway, Marc Ecko is way hotter.

And mogul-er. Take that, Eastern Europe!

8. Here is Nicole doing "fun" and "crazy" at a photo shoot or fitting or some shit:

Book her for your next party now, while you still can.

9. This week's Joanie comic strip is titled, "Sometimes You Have To Go Through Pain To Be Ugly."

She's banging down the door of the Church of Annette (that link isn't really safe for work or your stomach).

But really, how great did Joanie look post-oral surgery?

Like Bruce the Shark meets Hilary Duff!

And also, Joanie is great, but Joanie high is greater.

The girl who needed the laughing gas got the laughing gas.

(And at this point, I'm thinking that Joanie's going to win, and that doesn't make me mad, at all.)

10. Finally, what is this?

Ew, don't be so gross. It's only accidentally pornographic. It is the return of Tyra's vagina arms!

Vag-arms '06! What!

Comments

[Rocco]

This made me wet.

[pop]

i think it's f***ed up that they are making Danielle close her gap, there are a lot of modles that have gaps and it is their signature, I guess Tyra has never heard of Lauren Hutton or Madonna (not that Madge is a model;o)

[rea]

yeah, tyra's deal with danielle was totally unfair. if i was danielle, i would been like, 'bitch, haven't you heard of lauren hutton?'

[Just little me]

As usual, the recap was fabulous. This episode was really sadistic - that old actress/ex-model/unemployed ho should have been torn to pieces by the models. And I absolutely HATED Tyra and Ms J for forcing Danielle to get rid of her gap. Danielle looks really cute when she smiles - the gap makes her look approachable. Who wants a fake looking smile anyway? "You cannot be a model with that gap in your teeth." Oh really?! Tyra, Madonna is on line 2 and I think she wants to have a few words with you. And a final question: when did the producers stop asking Ms J to shower before the taping? I predict he will be showing up in a dirty housedress really soon...

[Brandon]

OMGGGGG I feel so famous!!! Yesssss!!! 1!!!

[Just little me]

Hey everybody: our beloved Deprise was Winner of the 1991 Venus Swimwear International Model Search (from imdb.com). All together now: WOW! Isn't that impressive? Yeah, I didn't think so either. Feh. I wonder if Tyra would say, "Deprice, sorry, you are just too commercial." And what is a "commercial" model anyway? Models are meant to be non-commercial?!?

[pepper]

Did anyone else want to die when they showed the dentist pulling tooth after tooth out? I was with Danielle: Who knew that teeth were that long?????

[Mr. Prince]

I love you caps. I hate her trying to close Danielle's gap. Besides, it's her signature. ah; I've ranted about this tooo much on the top model community: http://community.livejournal.com/topmodel

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

not only lauren hutton, but Tanga Moreau, Annie Morton, Georgina Cooper....all successful models (Tanga did ads for Ralph Lauren, Versace; Morton for DKNY et al.) with gaps. I hope Danielle keeps hers.

And my god, those scenes between Nnenna and John were so cringe-inducing. Why on earth was he rubbing her head? For luck?

[Andy]

Dude, it's got to be said, the last couple of recaps haven't been on top form (bit like the episodes) - but this is OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY. I am on a conference call reading this and have laughed out loud twice....

"this bitch crossed the border of Nastyland and set up camp in Cuntsville."

Genius.

[mememe]

haha to Ms. J showing up in a dirty house dress. Don't forget to tell her to bring back the pink sponge rollers. It is so wrong for them to tell Danielle to close her gap. James Brown did it and it fucked his voice up!

[Mer]

If Danielle loses this over the gap I will be furious. Unless Joanie wins instead then I will be slightly okay with it. But seriously the gap has gotta stay.

[m]

seeing brooke booted in that dress with that rack was wrong. can someone tell me where i can get that dress...and that rack?

[Lindsay]

God, your recap is the highlight of my morning as usual. Seriousness, I save half of the animated shit you put together to watch for when I'm feeling a little down. Plus, I have "Imagine Dat!" as my desktop background right now. Perhaps I'm just a little too obsessed with the show, but at least I know I'm not alone. A-plus!

Oh, and the sentence "They wouldn't exude the statement "Love is..." more if they were two naked eight-year-olds who are married." made me pee my pants a little with laughter.

[LvH]

Thank you so much for all the smiling Danielle pix and especially the mp3 of "The gap is stayin' ... suck-ah!"

The gap, much like everything Danielle says, is freaking adorable. Don't do it Dani! Tyra and that lightbulb head of hers can go to hell. She is such a bully.

[FingerBang Joe]

Great recap man. Like most of America I was pissed that Tyra pretty much forced the girl to close her gap. Cutting of hair is one thing, but her gap is actually kinda sexy. It may start to spread as she gets older so a lil work on it would not be a bad idea but to close it completely would be just wrong!

[Jaime]

I love Danielle's gap and I don't think she should get rid of it!

LOL at vagina arms!

[Peter]

haha i love your recaps! i want Joanie to win also

[jules]

Faaabulous recap, as always, Mister Mister. Loved the Mary J. reference (which should have been sent to Duh-Gina). Since I actually didn't see this episode (and I really don't need to), I was pleasantly suprised by how nice Brooke looked in her doll picture, even if her pose had no actual relation to a Barbie-type figure. But after posting those closeups, you snapped me back into reality: that Brooke is indeed the lovechild of Charlie the Tuna and Bert of Sesame Street.

Danielle, I love her to bits, but the thing is, it's not just the gap that's problematic. (Unlike Lauren Hutton's, which is a pleasant defining grace note, Danielle's is at least twice as large and entirely too noticeable.) It's the entire top grill. Too much crookedness stops the flow of the pretty! However, I will applaud her for standing up to the hyper-manipulative Fivehead. After reading about what Joanie went through, I question the show's method of quick-fixedness, as it is on a level only to be found in classic episodes of Trading Spaces. Hay Room, anybody?

My top three now are Joanie, Danielle, and the fabulously fierce Furonda. I desperately want to include Sara, but girl better shape up and stop slouching! Nnnnnennnnna...nnnnnoooooo. Her boyfriend drama is, more than anything, extremely stupid. Jade is overdue to leave. And Tyra's pits...well, thank God I didn't have much breakfast today.

[Larry]

Joanie is the best, looked the best this week and deserves everything great she gets! Miss Jay does look haggard, she needs to dress up for the judging! Someone should have grabbed that tear stick and rubbed it on Tyra's cooch, then we would have seen "real" tears flow! Did you notice the whole time John was with Nnenna, all she did was sleep? Talk about DIS-interested! Jade or Raid, as I like to call her, oh, forget it! Danielle was great and Furonda looked great as well! The male model was SHMOKIN'!!!

[Bea Gass]

HELLOOOOO.......danielle is no lauren OR madonna...bitch, please..fix the gap, it can only help.

[miss c]

"When I was a little kid, my sister used to get me in so much trouble 'cause I used to steal her dolls all the time. That's because when you look at dolls, they've got perfect hair."

Did these dolls have hair made out of Crisco?

And Jade's mom is a fluffer! Let's get her on a porn set pronto!!

[Talix18]

I saw Joanie shove those whittled-down teeth into the camera and thought "I'll be seeing that on Four Four tomorrow!"

[Claire]

Lauren Hutton had a slip-in tooth that she used to hide her gap, but I guess in these days of veneers that's passe.

[mariootsa]

can i fluff you down? wha-wha-whaat?!

is it possible for jade to be more unbearable? i love new age people. they throw a bunch of words around like 'wind', 'power', 'earth', 'strength', and they completely believe their own bullshit. fucking hippies...yeah, it SOUNDS like you are enlightened, but what do your actual ACTIONS say?

i'm with everyone on the tooth. yeah, danielle, we want to completely change the way your face looks for some stupid show because we have decided what the fashion world wants. what a bunch of assholes. and that joanie footage at the dentist's office was cringe-inducing.