It's all upstream from now on for America's Next Top Trout.
Nothin', baby, could compare to her lovely face...
...but she did have a helluva rack, didn't she?
And now, just to show how moved I am by Brooke's departure: tears. I wanna give a special shout out to muthafuckin' Tyra Banks for helping make this the cryingest episode since the season premiere.
Can you say, "machination?"
That tear stick is the most important invention to humankind since antiseptics. I need to get one so I can play America's Next Top Crying Bitches at home. Or even on the road!
You know how some people look gorgeous when they cry? Yeah...uh, no.
I have nothing remotely smart-assed to say about Danielle's compassion. That's how you know it's really love.
Is she fluffed enough?
She got all, "You're not worth my tears," when she was booted off, but before that, she showed us that she, indeed, was gon' cry.
This was as touching as Danielle's cry above (Joanie wept when she found out she'd get her snaggletooth removed). God, show, stop making me actually like people!
Here's where the fun really starts!
...Gavin Rossdale...lodged in head...
Bad moon white again!
Bad moon white again!
There is no better way to follow up such profound words than with a picture of Jade. She didn't even need the glycerine, that's how real-fake she is.
Heh. Speaking of fake, didn't Tyra look hot at judging?
...for like one second? Until she went into this, which I had to make the (wordless) Tyraism of the Week:
Yeah, we've seen it before, but as long as she keeps bringing the oogly, I'ma keep capturing it.
No Jwatch this week. Don't be sad. Instead be angry over this:
Tyra is full of shit. I'm really pissed that she's forcing Danielle to close her gap.
I was really happy that Danielle repeatedly refused (sucka!) to tamper with what is totally her signature, which, in fact, hasn't gotten in the way of a picture yet (notice the virtually uniform praise she's gotten on just about each one of her shots?). If Cover Girl doesn't like it, fuck 'em!
And fuck Tyra, too, while we're at it. No, no, no, no, no, when it's really hell no, no, no, no, no. Never before has she been more deserving of being called "Tyrant." If she's going to force orthodontia on people, I suggest the same be done to her. Here, I'll start. Here's Tyra in some lovely headgear:
Oh, and as a preview of what'll happen if Danielle indeed does go through with the procedure to get rid of her gap:
It's not right, but it's ok.
2. Something else that pissed me off was the horribly sadistic exercise in the beginning of the episode featuring one Deprise Brescia spewing insults at all of the girls to test their emotional strength.
As much as I love seeing the contestants humiliated, this bitch crossed the border of Nastyland and set up camp in Cuntsville.
"I need to see your stomach, 'cause your stomach lookin' a little big here."
"And I see you got a nice little gap between your teeth, don't 'cha?"
"Wow. I gotta tell you, you anorexic in some of these shots."
"Your bottom lip is a lot fuller than your top one."
"Your ears are lookin' really big."
"Has anybody ever told you that you kinda photograph a little masculine?"
"You photograph really harsh...like a dude."
All of these statements have some degree of truth to them and not a stitch of suggestion on how to improve or at least hide the flaws. Sure, Deprise, you can say sorry all you want, but you know you loved it.
There are some jokes that you just can't retract because they contain too much truth. It'd be like saying:
Tyra, you put on quite a few pounds since your modeling heyday, huh?
Nigel, any hotness you have left is utterly devoured by your leering molesty-ness.
J., you are approximately as intelligible as Paula Abdul under water.
Twiggy, you fucking suck!
Deprise, you're looking a little old to be trying to make it in acting.
Jay shared with us a wonderful story about his childhood: "When I was a little kid, my sister used to get me in so much trouble 'cause I used to steal her dolls all the time. That's because when you look at dolls, they've got perfect hair." Brilliant. As intelligible as Paula Abdul near water.
(Which one is Jay?)
I can't wait till he writes his memoir. He should call it No Synapse on Duty.
4. And now for a very cosmic edition of:
- Jade's mom does energy work.
She "pulls energy through the universe through her hands."
(Is that Reiki?)
- The apple doesn't fall far from the Bodhi tree. Jade is very spiritual.
Heaven and hell
Earth power, wind force
Make me listen
And my strength will be my source
She really is that old. Imagine that!
- Jade has lines on her forehead.
This week's Imagine That! special guest is none other than the world's first (and oldest, Jade will have you know!) supermodel, Janice Dickinson, in her most useless appearance in the show's history.
5. If only:
6. How sweet was it to see Nnenna and John together?
Reunited and it feels so...awkward.
They wouldn't exude the statement "Love is..." more if they were two naked eight-year-olds who are married.
I mean awwwwww:
7. Hot or not: Alexander Rankovic?
Actually, don't answer that, because I know you're going to be like, "OMG!!!! WITH A SPOON!!!" just like my bf was and I'm going to get even more of a complex and go increasingly crazy until the day that that Cross Crunch I ordered shows up on my doorstep. This show makes you feel really bad about yourself!
And, anyway, Marc Ecko is way hotter.
And mogul-er. Take that, Eastern Europe!
8. Here is Nicole doing "fun" and "crazy" at a photo shoot or fitting or some shit:
Book her for your next party now, while you still can.
9. This week's Joanie comic strip is titled, "Sometimes You Have To Go Through Pain To Be Ugly."
She's banging down the door of the Church of Annette (that link isn't really safe for work or your stomach).
But really, how great did Joanie look post-oral surgery?
Like Bruce the Shark meets Hilary Duff!
And also, Joanie is great, but Joanie high is greater.
The girl who needed the laughing gas got the laughing gas.
(And at this point, I'm thinking that Joanie's going to win, and that doesn't make me mad, at all.)
10. Finally, what is this?
Ew, don't be so gross. It's only accidentally pornographic. It is the return of Tyra's vagina arms!
Vag-arms '06! What!