The best shit

We are so lucky to have been raised amongst infomercials!

I thought I'd seen it all -- the no-mess haircut genius of the Flowbee, Ron Popeil's jerky-like skin, the wonder of an edible hair removal that is Nad's, the juggernaut of entertainment that was the weekly series Amazing Discoveries. I thought nothing could top these classics. But then, I saw the 30-minute spot for Dual Action Cleanse and realized how wrong I was.

The "show" features "health-food store owner" Duke Liberatore and "Dr." Jan McBarren talking (in rather pronounced Philly or maybe Baltimore accents) to the decidedly John Waters-esque "inventor" Klee Irwin about his product, which seems to be some sort of "natural" "ingestible" "colonic." IT IS NOT A LAXATIVE. I repeat, IT IS NOT A LAXATIVE.

That's amusing enough, as it gives everyone the opportunity to say "intestinal," "bowel" and, my favorite, "colon," dozens and dozens of times. The spot really kicks into gear, however, when Klee finds it necessary to contrast the size of his poop with that of his 4 year-old-daughter's. This is no mere fit of toilet humor. What Klee says is so absurd that it becomes not a scatalogical issue, but a human one that probes our very fiber of being. Watch it:

Any story that begins, "I'll never forget the first time I saw my 4-year-old daughter's bowel movement," is one to cherish. Notice how his feelings on his daughter's thick-as-his-wrist, long-as-her-arm stool turned from fright to shame. That's right, people. In addition to feeling like your car, job, ass, tits, dick, clothes, house, haircut, shoes and neighborhood just aren't good enough, your poop has now become yet another thing to feel inadequate about. Thank you, Klee! Thank you Dual Action Cleanse!!!

Similar hilarity ensues when "caller" Gary attempts to find his place in all this. Will Dual Action Cleanse help him feel perfect? Will it reduce his fatigue? Will it give him that something that's missing from his life? Find out!

So he knows all about the size and shape of his children's poop as well. Sharing is caring, I guess. If nothing else, it gives a new meaning to being "all up in someone's shit," no?

Comments

[rocco]

FIRST BITCH!!! Suck the stilleto

[Patrick]

That guy is so grody. Looking at his shitty skin talking about my intestines makes me want to barf.

But - nonetheless - it is awesome.

[rod]

At any point do they say, "Deep inside your gut, niggah what?"

[kate]

i think i heard this guy on the radio once. i remember him talking about how when they autopsied john wayne he had twenty pounds of compacted poop in his colon.

[Arthur James]

Dammit it all the Hell!

My secrets out.

[Veronica Vinegar]

Ha ha ha! I saw this infomercial up to the part that he talked about his daughter's poop. It was the day I had my first colonic and was tired of thinking and hearing about poop all day.

[duane]

I just want to know who is looking at their child's bowel movements all of the time!? That just doesn't seem right or appropriate.

[T]

Lol!!!!! Between this and ANTM, you get BLOG OF THE YEAR!!!!
Lol!

[Ridwah]

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I'm so jealous I haven't seen this yet.

[Rose]

Only you find these things and are able to do them comedic justice, Rich.

Only you.

[Keisha]

Lmao...that guy's face is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO gross that it makes me want to poop. The fact that he says he studied his daughter's poop is so gross that it takes this infomercial above and beyond all other infomercials...thank you for your genius Rich, and your eye for spotting the ridiculousness that's on tv.

[angelatbone]

OMG....how did you find this thing! This is some great shit. I think i will go ahead and buy the product....i don't get the informercial where i live.

http://www.thevelvethottub.com
http://www.velvethottub.com
http://www.thevelvethottub.com

[kathotdog]

OK...he's creepy and weird. Yet someone married him, gave birth to his baby and is willing for him to go on the TeeVee and talk about this? I guess I am assuming that he is still married. If he was actually a doctor then maybe I could overlook some of this, that maybe he really wants to help all of us and all of our bowel movements...
thank you fourfour

[cootie]

it's always on before conan at 3:30am and my tivo catches the last few minutes of it. i thought it was a joke the first time i saw it.

[Alyssa]

I'm guessing you don't have kids, Duane. You'd be surprised how big a part of a parent's day is poop. The disturbing part of this, to me, is that this guy didn't see his daughter's until she was four.

[elb]

I often watch TV and remind myself that the earth should be scorched and sown with salt.

[Blair]

I saw this on Sunday and called at least 10 people with the What The Fuck head's up.

You are genius. This blog is solid gold!

[Kate]

"We are so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogues!"

Best. Movie. Ever.

[Jude]

I still want Ron Popeil's Showtime Rotisserie Grill. The standing rib roasts he makes on those things look so damn juicy and good.

[foo]

Rich, your websites the shit. Shit that's as long as my arm and as thick as my wrist. Awww.

[Ricks]

Is your shit as long your my arm? If so, what does that mean? WTF? I'm sleepy from running around looking at other people's shit. Can this help me?

Rich your site is damn Gem! I just wish I saw this BEFORE i left work.... that'll teach my dumbass. GOTDamn!!!

[white rabbit]

Oh, what times we live in. What times.

Saw this a while ago, watched weirdly fascinated... and had to change the channel after the daughter part. Way to call the John Waters thing, Rich. Totally.

My favorite infomercial is Oreck- just because he is an adorable old man.

oh my god i love you that made my day ha only in america!

[Mara]

wow, thats fuckin sick as hell, but grossly entertaining...so he's saying that adult shit should be the size of a leg then? interesting...