Um, yeah homo

Is the line between thug and homo-thug the same line that's between happy and gay? Let's ask someone who knows:

 

50 Cent's gay-ishness has been documented brilliantly and exhaustively by Rod. It's a particuarly fun, if not crucial search in light of 50's comments last year about gay men not having a place in hip-hop, which could have actually been a benign observation if he didn't start it with, "Being gay isn't cool." (Hellllooooo! Being gay is the new pink! It is so the coolest!!!!)

But even if his observation is true, even if hip-hop effectively (not inherently) has no room for homos, Fiddy's vanity project has plenty of room for homoeroticism. I swear, when I sat down to watch Get Rich or Die Tryin', I wasn't even looking for gay. But 30 minutes in, as 50's Marcus character is explaining how he fell in with his gang and describing their living situation, gay found me and snapped me on the ass with a wet towel.

(More evidence, including the uncensored version of the above shot, after the jump. Warning: This post contains male butts, Terrence Howard's seemingly minuscule wang and wack rapping. Proceed only if your stomach is strong. Or if you like male butts.)

It isn't a big-budget, nicely lit Flava Works production. It isn't a sneak peak at the upcoming season of Noah's Arc. It's 50's life onscreen and it is g-g-g-g-gay.

Not that it's the rapper's fault -- his rhyming suggests a head lodged permanently up an ass. It was probably impossible to pull it out read the script or attempt to understand what director Jim Sheridan was doing. Sneaky, sneaky Jim Sheridan. Take, for example, the point in the film in which 50's character lands in jail. The movie wastes no time (it's like 15 seconds after he's booked) to remind us what a sausage party prison is.

It's not long before a fight breaks out. A steamy, nude, grunt-inducing cluster of a fight.

50's on the inside. Jealous?

Sheridan keeps the view from this wide angle. In doing so, penises are allowed only to impress us from afar -- there's no flopping in our faces. The only one who comes out, as it were, is Terrence Howard who probably shouldn't (that shot is particularly NSFW). He eventually steps out and his bubble butt (who knew?!) becomes the real star of the scene.

I said it before, but this time I mean it: I don't know about everybody else, but I love bubbles. And at this point, I wonder just whom Sheridan's intended audience is. It's not for the straight dudes, and it's about as for-the-ladies as Playgirl clear mascara.

The naked, sweaty, ecstatic sparring leads to this, by the way:

Nothing like a little bondage to go with your rough-and-tumble play, right?

These examples are the film's most overtly homoerotic, but they serve to tip you off to a treasure trove of implications that are yours for the observing. Like 50's character naming himself Young Caesar, after noted bisexual Julius Caesar.

And what about that impeccably groomed, molesty mustache he rocks in a scene or two? It is the marker to John Waters' pencil-thin 'stache.

How about the film's ever-present muscle worship?

Or the fact that "Window Shopper," the soundtrack's dud of a first single, opens with 50 exclaiming "Oh!" like his ass is sore, followed by the line "The top feels so much better than the bottom!"

But you'd be gay, too, if your mom were this fab and encouraged you to sing along to Chaka's "I Feel for You":

Or if the guy you saw once and assumed was your dad had a haircut resembling Rick James' during his flamingly permed period, which then prompted you to hang up a picture of Rick and look at it every day, basking in the rays that his orange hair and seriously questionable sexuality emitted:

Even 50's role model, kingpin Majestic, gets down with the flamboyance. Here he is in a mesh shirt (with aforementioned Rick wannabe):

And here's Majestic saying, "Work your ass hard, that's what your ass get," even though the English language offers approximately 7,000 other ways to express what he's trying to say without conjuring images of clenching holes and power-bottoming.

One or two of these examples might not even register a blip on gaydar. All of them working together like some big, frilly and lispy machine makes you no longer able to see straight. Shit, by the end, a simple, "I love you, man," might as well be, "I want you inside me!!!"

Of course, to counter it all, to scream "NO HOMO" at you, 50 is given a love interest, played by Joy Bryant. Theirs is a picture-esque romance.

Cliché, cliché. Slap a two-strawed ice-cream soda between them! Even when he's with a girl it's gay!

Comments

[evee]

forgetta bout this movie! watch brick! ; )

[elb]

Fiddy puts the down in down low. He also puts dicks in his mouth.

[Abrego]

This makes me look at 50 in a whole new light! Even his first video ever made when he was working out while Em and Dre are watching him like mad scientists, like they created the perfect gay man speciman.

[Abrego]

Oh, by the way, thanks for all the great ass shots. Even though this made me think a lot 'less' of Terrence Howard.

[duane]

And I thought I had no reason to see this movie! Consider it added to the queue! HA! Shower scenes in prison, that is practically a recipe for a porno!

[Tootie]

That pic of Terrence Howard's ween is disturbing. I can't get that image of his little button out of my head. So very sad.

However, I needed only to scroll down a bit further and see my favorite from Oz, Adabissi! Is it wrong for me to always want to see him wearing his little hat askew on his head in every single thing I see him in?

[Candice]

God, that last sentence just slays me.

[Carly]

Give Terence a chance. Maybe it was a cold shower?

[Ridwah]

I almost spit my water out with your comment on that top is better line...Fiddy Cent would you turn me out? Show me what your thing is all about? HAHAHAHAA

[Rich]

For sure, Carly -- that's why I said "seemingly minuscule." I don't think the guy's gonna scare anyone out of bed with that thing, but shrinkage is a very real affliction. That said, I don't think anyone left the theater impressed.

[Jude]

This is the most hilarious movie recap ever. With the best illustrations. Terence Howard must have a lot of artistic integrity to allow that baby winkie of his to be shown!

[Mariaaaaa]

RE Terrence's wee willie winkie: maybe he's a grow-er, not a show-er.

[kate]

I thought that it was Winston Wednesday. That was all that was getting me through work this morning... I need a new Winnie pic for my desktop. And my screensaver. What's that? I'm being stalkerish? No way. I just love Winston.

POST A PICTURE OF HIM ASAP!!!!!!

[Dana Little]

I love u so much!

[Penny Woods]

I think I can enjoy this movie now beyond the wonderful performance of Terrence Howard. Yes, including his small wang.

[Nemesis]

Sweet Jesus on the mainline...this was hil-fucking-arious!! I might actually rent the movie now. Rich, you ROCK! :)

[Jacquie]

Fantastic recap, well argued point! Just like your version of Hustle & Flow, I will now seek out this movie and enjoy it much more than I would have otherwise.
J

[Veggie Girl]

Agreed, Candice ... excellent ending, Rich.

[Braxton Hartnebrigg]

Terrence may be what they call a "grow-er" and not a "show-er". But damn that, looks like he's rockin a worm on a shag carpet. buahhahahahahah!

[Brandon]

His bucked teeth were made for ass eating.

[a.]

Terrence Howard...how sad. :-( That's just too bad.

[Coy]

ugh. I have bad case of dislike for Curtis Jackson (sounds like black church directors name doesn't it...and we all know about them). But this recap is freakin' hysterical. Rich you are the miggitay mack daddy.

[maya]

You have made me think about TH's business all day. It's both sad and disturbing. One can only hope that the cold shower/shrinkage theory proves true. It's terrible really. I'm concerned. Poor TH.

[gigi]

FUCK 50 Cent, he's trash.

[Brian]

Whoa. It really is hard out there for a pimp.