Hands off

Sorry this is coming in late, y'all. I just couldn't tear myself away from staring at Furonda's hands for hours and hours. They're large, you know. Was it just me, or was anyone else hoping that one of her fingers would light up and reveal healing qualities before she phoned home?

"Toward the heart..."

Whatever, at least she went out looking better than ever:

(I kid, I kid. I'm raging inside at the prospect of having to watch Sara, Cheap and Cheap for another fucking week.)

Raging with the accompaniment of scant tears, that is.

60. Danielle

I'm almost reluctant to count this, as Danielle's tear shed was over a legitimate affliction ("dehydration, exhaustion and a little bit of food poisonin'," thank you very much), and not, say, less-than-fierce hair. Danielle isn't playing by the rules! This shit is about frivolity, sucka!

Of course, it's hard to play by the rules when they're so fucking random. Thank Tyrarbitrary for that, and explore just how nonsensical her guidance can be in this two-part Tyraism of the week.

Part 1: "(On Jade's panel challenge) It was like Thai dancing. When you come here, we don't expect you to do your teaches and challenges and stuff in here. It's incorporating that into being a model."

Teaches, peaches. Anyway: challenges must be applied to modeling, but not necessarily panel (even though it's a modeling competition and panel insists the girls to be more model-y than ever, but whatever). Got it.

Part 2: "(To Joanie) But you gotta take that challenge and bring it in here and make it a model."

So now challenges must be applied to modeling (or in some sort of heathen transubstantiation, challenges must somehow transform into actual models), and they must also show up in panel. What? I'd accuse her of contradicting herself, but you actually have to make sense in the first place to do that, right?

For this week's Jwatch, I would like to direct you not to what he has, but what he has not. I'm talkin' 'bout teeth.

J, I think Joanie has a few extra lying around if you need some.

1. Or maybe Furonda could dance some up.

While watching Furonda's wild take on traditional Thai dancing, I kept saying, "Ooh, I should get a gif of that move," or, "Remarkable control on that freeze. I must grab it." It pretty much got to the point where I'd be essentially grabbing the whole thing in stills, loops and sound clips. So fuck it, here's a video of the segment in its entirety. I figure that it's my second favorite moment of this cycle, right behind Jade's fabulous Cover Girl commercial (hey girls!) and it should probably be relived over and over and over. I don't know if you know, but Furonda is good in entertaining! Enjoy:

Call it the Dance of the Seven Tangents of Whatever.

2. And speaking of Furonda, I'll miss her mostly because of her freak-show ability to look completely different at a moment's notice for no real reason. Like, it's amazing that this...

...is the same person as this:

This...

...is this:

I kid, I kid. Although...

Ultimately, the girl is expressive.

That's all I'm trying to say.

3. Well, that and this:

4. Regardless of Furonda's hot-to-hot-garbage chamelon quality, the girl is a hell of a recapper. On Joanie and Jade's rather tedious fight, here is what she had to say:

She took the "waw"s right out of my mouth.

5. You know what's exciting? We have in our future at least one more round of Imagine That! with Jade after this episode. The girl is a geyser of the nonsense that can only come from willful ignorance, and I'm saying, "Spray me!" Here's a very spicy edition of:

• Jade doesn't have an ounce of arrogance in her body!

(There's no room for it, what with all the bile.)

Imagine that!

• I don't know why this never occurred to me, but her penchant for head coverings and mumbling what amount to verbal wrestling matches between delusion and falsity make her a ringer for Little Edie Beale.

Imagine that and pray that she doesn't wear red shoes on a Thursday!

• There is a preposterous creature in the following picture and, according to Jade, it isn't her.

Imagine that!

• Jade couldn't let the mention of the elephant pass without pointing out that elephants are in the dinosaur family. The way she added it on, in the know-it-all tone, makes her not just stupid, but aggressively stupid.

Imagine that!

• She's also too dumb to keep her mouth shut when defending herself after being accused of defensiveness, even though silence would prove her point better than, say, getting defensive.

Imagine that!

• The other girls will be happy not to have to deal with her anymore.

Imagine that!

And, since no one can stand her, this week's special guest is the decidedly inanimate restaurant that Joanie and Sara ate at with that Elle Thailand lady.

Thai cuisine in Thailand? Imagine that!

6. I did love Jade's reaction to seeing the Thai dancers initially. She internalized their majesterfullness by mimicking their moves.

Very Nomi. You know that this ended up on the cutting room floor:

Jade, you better work...

...at a telemarketing company or in a stockroom far, far away from the public.

7. Remember how last week, I said Danielle's "uterus" comment was the quote of the cycle/year/entire show? Yeah, well, I mighta been wrong. Joanie's take on Jade, "Even when I sit next to her, all I smell is just bitch," is a strong contender. I mean, it has its own accompanying hand motion and everything.

And, as if to prove that bitch does stink to high heaven, this was Joanie's reaction to Tyra's reveal that Jade was to stay in the competition:

And while we're talking Joanie, amazing how the word "precise" reveals a veneer-born lisp, eh?

8. I don't think I'll ever stop saying it until she's gone: I can't believe that Sara is still on this show!

I mean, this was such shit:

And so was Baby Naomi's bland dismissal of it. Bitch!

Also...

Sara, it's called conditioner. Size of a dime in the palm of your hand. Smooth it in. And for God's sake, stop eating the damn lipstick. It has calories, too, you know.

9. I love Danielle and all. I really admire her Adrianne-like premature checkout from the hospital in the name of staying in the competition. She goes beyond the call of duty that being the people's champ requires.

However, I'm a bit suspicious of any girl whose creed comes from Maid in Manhattan.

Just sayin'.

10. Thanks producers. When I tune into ANTM what I'm secretly hoping to find is is shaving fetish porn.

Although Danielle's endorsement ("No stubbies!") could help me endure any product-placement bullshit. And Tyra wants her to change her speech? Is she nuts? That makes me want to regurgitate on Tyra's face right now.

11. Twiggy's really getting the hang of the job.

Love the sassy 'do, and love the sassier faces.

And in related news, I'm sorry that I ever said anything suggesting that Nigel wasn't hot anymore.

I was wrong. So very, very, very, very wrong.

12. This lady...

...and her breathy anger...

...make me feel dirty.

13. Tyra was really on this week, right?

There were so many quotes in the running towards becoming the Tyraism of the Week. Runners up included:

"Top Model's gotta speak, not just look pretty."

"Jade, the judges joke about it when you're in front of them and they're like, 'Jade marches to her own drum. Jade is Jade!' But then you leave the room and they're like, 'Jade is Jade.'"

In other words, "Jade, we shit on you when you aren't around."

And, one so bizarre that I'm not sure that I'm even hearing correctly:

"Can you take that gray off Joanie? It's making you look like my stomach. There you go. Now you look like a woman, like a young lady."

"It's making you look like my stomach?" Pleasantly plump and often airbrushed? What?

14. And on that tip, a final note to Tyra:

Please don't do this with your face ever again.

Just looking out for ya, girl.

Comments

[Oujisama-san]

Another good one! and Yay for being first!! ^.~

[Miss Kitty]

BRAVO!!! Again a wonderful recap of this shit that has me hooked yet again!

I love Danielle, but can she win?

[chachados]

again, you rock my world and make my friday bearable.

But what you didn't get was Mr. Jay yelling-"You go girl!! Work it BITCH!!" when Joanie was on the elephant. I thought, my God, he's done it. He has queened out on tv...and I loved it.

[Penny Woods]

I'm going to miss Imagine That! with Jade if she ever becomes a "bootee" (I feel she will, although I love her).

Thanks for the recap. I missed Danielle's creed and Joanie's lisp due to the "smell like bitch" comment and anything that Jade said this week.

[gayestneil]

Haha. Nice shout out to cycle one baybee!

[Girl in a Whirl]

Something from last week: can anyone forget Twiggy calling Nnenna, "Nenner"? Nenner nenner nenner. When is Jade going to be voted off - necause if she wins, that's the end of the series. Bets anyone?

And I'm with you on Furonda's fingers but I just can't get over how well she can photograph.

[jmjm]

Thanks for the recap, Rich! Don't worry about the delay. We know that genius can't be hurried.

When I saw Sara's frizzed-out straw hair I had the same reaction as you. Yikes.

My lovely Joanie looks so un-modellesque when standing next to Frizzy Sara. Waah.

[Joe]

thank god it's friday & we have ur model update :) nigel is not just hot, he's smokin! even joanie agrees :P love ya!

[nyoka]

2nd! Great re-cap.

[Jeremy]

Nice Recap, R. It's truly criminal that Furonda would be voted off before Sara, but that's the insanity of ANTM. I was hoping you would showcase her straight-up diva moment in leaving the room, where she worked her model strut (to Tyra's approval) and turned in one last pose with the broken arm as she left; and then voiced her surprise that they voted off the "fabulous Furonda."

[Mr. Prince]

Poor Danielle! I was so sad for her; I love the fact that she could still turn it out despite everything else

It’s funny, because when the Furonda dance sequence was going on, I was like ‘They did his job for him; are they readers?’ XDDD

I was pissed that Sara didn’t go for biting either. I kind of forget she’s there XP

I'm surprized that you didn't put in Mr. Jay's comment about Sara biting joanie. I loved that XDD

damn it! I'm reading this in my College's library and they're all staring at me like I'm crazy, but I don't care at all ^______^

this was such a nice friday pick me up! thanks.

[Shannon]

Jade as Nomi Malone is the best thing ever! That used to be my signature move, but perhaps Jade needs it more than I do!

[miss mandi]

Danielle should absolutely win - she's by far the best looking. But she's going to get knocked off the last show because of her heavy Arkansas accent, and she's not as plucky (or kicky) as Joanie. Joanie and her phantom snaggle tooth will win. This makes me sad.

Jade will get knocked off after Sara, and then she can go back to NYC, which is a preposterous town full of courageful, intrepidatious, interlectual, awespirational people just like her.

[rod]

I don't have speakers on my work pc (we're formal like that) but I do have DJ Muro's mix of Edwin Starr's "I Just Wanna Do My Thing" (we're informal like that) and I must say that Furonda's dance in the clip works well.

[Alannah]

NOMI! You can't top that one. Damn, you're good. And I love you for it.

[rod]

miss mandi ...
Don't be knocking New York, buh-itch.

[miss mandi]

Yo Rod,
I live in NYC. Brooklyn, bitch. I myself am courageful and interlectual, just like Jade.

[MissDirected]

Okay, I missed this episode so I missed the context of the breathy anger, which is probably why when I just listened to it, I thought it sounded like she was having makeup sex.

[julie]

Another hot one! I'm getting sick of Joanie's new speach and I'm pretty sure she's gonna win. But I'm still so TEAM DANIELLE!!

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

what can i say?
this has been the best recap yet of this season's ANTM.
it was worth the extra wait.

[bobo]

i was wondering when you were going to mention joanies new speech impediment. she sounds like shes wearing a retainer.
how sara and furanda-man-hands got this far in the competition is ridiculous.
loved the jeneane garafalo reference.

[emma]

"no stubbies" indeed danielle my love, "no stubbies" indeed....

[meg]

I'm sorry, but Fugronda's dismissal was LONG overdue...And Sarah has WAY more potential than Jade and everyone knows it...she is funny as hell, but unfortunatly she also smells like bitch. Joanie for LIFE

[BobbyWombat]

well shit.... i always try to be the first one to pop that blog cherry every week.. but I still love ya... although i havent been too impressed with some recent blogs... this one and the last couple got me back on the fourfour train... i loved Furonda's dance.. for some reason i saw myself starting to like her... well over Jade and Sara Cheap, and Cheap..... her farwell walk was classic.. she worked that runway like no ones buisness.

[mariaaaaa]

Stellar recap as usual! I'm surprised you didn't use "I have a stomache condition [!]... and you just have to learn to model through it." (paraphrasing) as one of this week's Tyraisms. Since I heard that, from now the act of perserverence will be referred to as "modeling through it", for example: "Traffic was hell, but I modeled through it", "My power point presentation wouldn't work right, but I modeled through it", "the doctor says I have a cancerous mole, but I'll model throught it."

Is it just me or has this show gone completely batshit? The rules and advice are truly TYRARBITRARY. I actually said to myself "this was the stupidest episode ever", which of course means that it was the BEST. EPISODE. EVER.