Learning is for suckas

There's nothing like a clips show to shed light on things you never knew you never knew. Really, I feel so much smarter after watching Wednesday's second hour of ANTM, with all of its fun facts. This show is too good to us!

Here's a rundown of a few things we learned from the show:

• Fun fact: Tyra Banks is amazing and pretty much the queen of the world.

NEVER. GETS. OLD.

But did I say "world?" I meant "pod." She's the queen and she's hungry -- she's about to start spitting acid. Get away from her, you bitches!

• Fun fact: Tyra cried at Wendy's opening Hurricane Katrina story, which brings the crying count up to 59.

In retrospect: of course she did.

• Fun fact: Upon eliminating Wendy, Tyra delivered a congratulatory speech that praised herself the most.

After she said, "What you represent to me..." I really wanted her to continue with, "...is a unique story to color in my show for just long enough so that it's effective but not tacky." Or something. Also? "You can still model. You're not gonna be America's Next Top Model, but you can still model." That is so reassuring. I mean, look at the heights scaled by Naima and Nicole. Even if Wendy had a tenth of their success she'd have...well, a tube of Wetslicks and a dirty puddle to model in front of.

• Fun fact: Wendy makes roadkill wish it were dead.

• Fun fact: Kathy is a foodie.

• Fun fact: So is Danielle.

• Fun fact: And so is Duh-Gina.

A foodie of another color, though: Gina likes biting people. Did she grow up in Queens or something?

She's all, "Chicken!"

• Fun fact: Joanie is a master of imitation.

 

Her Furonda is spot-on.

And so is her Sandra Bernhard, honey.

• Fun fact: Furonda's not so bad at doing impressions herself.

Here's her Nnenna. Note how Nnenna seems less than amused. She did smile as Furonda went on, but just because she knows that having a sense of humor about yourself is appropriate, not because she actually has one.

• Fun fact: Nnenna's boyfriend, John, is more awesome than we ever could have imagined.

That's his quote. The pseudo-poetic melodrama combined with his trainwreck personality mean he's a self-congratulatory, self-proclaimed Internet "diarist" in the making. Someone get him a Blogger account, stat.

His nut sac is, at least.

• Fun fact: Janice is a fucking pig.

That food is flying out of, not into, her mouth. Like I even had to explain.

• Fun fact: Janice's material is stale.

"I've seen better faces on iodine bottles," is what she said about Brooke. It's also exactly what she said about Yaya in Cycle 3.

I understand that she's quoting Richard Pryor, but for the love of God, can someone explain to me exactly why that joke is funny in the first place? Iodine bottles have faces? What? (I'm serious: please explain.)

• Fun fact: Jay Manuel is a whore.

 

I guess the trick didn't want breakfast, literally?

• Fun fact: Special K is models!!!

That's why there's a never-ending supply of it. You get tossed off the show and into the Kellog's plant.

• Fun fact: Jade really is a genie.

Or, at least, she's damn near a wishgiver -- I'm sure that many an interaction with her has left people hoping that she'd just drown herself.

Getting closer to that goal!

• Jade can't spell.

But that makes sense as...

• Jade can barely speak.

The show's highlight was a segment showcasing Jade's colorful vocabulary (and by colorful, I mean the perfect glossary for a diary written in crayon). You can watch it here or print out the screenshots below and make your own flashcards. This will help you dwelve into the world of the decipheration of complexital phrasingness, in which Jade is Queenologist and Damon Wayans' Anton Jackson character is Kingdo.

Can you withhandle that?

• Jade, however, is gifted geographer.

And our final fun fact:

• Furonda looked like this in her audition video.

I like the grass that's sprouting out of the side of her head. No, no, Furonda. Don't go to any trouble looking nice for the camera. No need, it's just a modeling competition. I still have no clue what it means, but now I'm quite sure that I've seen better faces on iodine bottles

Comments

[Isabel]

This was great. I love your recaps.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Awesome.
I didn't actually see the episode (horror of horrors) as i had to watch American Idol (i'm in love with a contestant) but i'll try to catch the repeat tomorrow night, if only to learn new words. I can't withhandle not knowing what sorts of things were left out of the episodes.

damn boy! you make me laugh inapropriately (I'm in a library XP) another good one.

Furonda's Nnenna was fabulous! Ican't wait till the new re-cap on friday ^^

[raging indie]

Yessss! Bonus recap!

The clips show really showcased how awesome Danielle's personality is. I feel like they edited out so much of her personality in the regular season. We need more of her suctioning Jade's forehead and pulling pranks on people.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

sorry for the double post, but it's been five minutes and i'm still laughing over "then you'd be sending me to an emotional grave"

i mean, the melodrama in that...and knowing that it comes from a man with Moe Howard bangs and a teenage 'stache makes it all the more poignant.

[elb]

I bet Janice Dickinson smells like old panties. Old panties worn by a homeless veteran with the shits.

Iodine bottles have a skull and crossbones on them because they are poisonous.

[Jude]

Danielle was definitely hilarious--but not so much as Jade's vocabulary. It's hard to intake such brilliance. Then again--who says TV is being dumbed down? That segment was geared towards people who know the difference between real and fake words, which is a flattering comment on the ANTM audience!

This clip show made me miss Gina so bad.

[d.]

the iodine bottle remark i think was referring to the skull and cross bones on the bottle, indicating it's poisonous. at least that's just what i assumed. so the skull and cross bones would be better looking than whomever was mentioned in Janice's comments.

[Brandon]

I think there's a skeletal face on the iodine bottles.

[Alex]

I read this at my campus library and nearly died when I saw Furonda's audition photograph. Doesn't it just scream model? I really hope that gremlin is kicked off next, she isn't even attractive according to normal, everyday standards. Notice how they only choose photographs taken of her face at really odd angles? Otherwise she just looks like a, as Jade would say, "dimpled" triangle on a long, long stick. At this point, if Danielle and Joanie are not in the top two then, well, I'll be supremely disappointed.

[MzFeezy]

Jade is dumb as hell! She needs a Dictionary STAT!

[mariaaaaa]

Another fab recap, Rich! When Duh-gina bit Danielle I couldn't help but think "Hey! That's how I want to bite Winston!" I think that's how most of us feel about Win...

[Penny Woods]

Damn, I was thinking of Damon Wayans' prison character Oswald Bates when I read about the In Living Color reference. I can just envision Jade and Oswald in that sketch where the prisoners are doing Win, Lose or Draw right now.

[Elle]

I may have the chronology wrong, but wasn't the dinner with Janice after she spoke to the contestants about how her "big thing" was alcohol? The battle rages on, eh Dickinson? I mean, there is fun drunk and then there is toasting your fake eyelashes and putting them in someone else's food drunk. Crunchy!

[Lizzy]

"This will help you dwelve into the world of the decipheration of complexital phrasingness"
Oh. My. GOD. Serious inappropriate cubicle laughter ensues.

[damion]

Rich, I hope you know that you do God's work with these recaps! No matter how shitty my day is, you consistently bring a smile to my face and make me laugh my ass off! You sir, make the world a better place!

[Carrie]

I looked on dictionary.com, and apparently "derogatoriness" is an actual word.

[Vanessa]

I'm a linguistics major and I actually was thrilled THRILLED I tell you to see ANTM's syntactic analysis (yes, that is a real word) of Jade's vocabulary. If anyone is interested, nouns belong to a category of words called open classes, meaning we can easily invent new nouns that are still readily understandable by virtue of existing rules of creation and modification. Prepositions, on the other hand, are an example of closed classes which rarely change so we'll have to keep watching and see if Jade eventually makes a more profound impact on English.

Uhm, I mean....yeah Furonda's audition video was fugly yo.

[david]

haha. furonda was so hilarious with the tiara.

[GI JOE]

SWEET RECAP. Loved the Comic Stip, which actually included LESLIE, JADE, & SARAH. poor JADE. Those are 3 HOT ASS BITCHES!!!!
My top 3 for sure this season!

What? No mention of my brookie or bratz doll/tippie tumbles. OH WELL, RICHIE I needed my RELEASEMENT.

[Korky]

Mr. Jay, around the neighborhood. What a trick, whose house was he leaving in the wee morning? What a trick!

[david]

p.s. I just clicked on the article about the vampire kid - freaky... O_o...

[Korky]

Mr. Jay, around the neighborhood. What a trick, whose house was he leaving in the wee morning? What a trick!

CAMPBELLS SOUP, Kathy you are adorable.

[pphillihpp]

in case we didn't know how few brain cells are functioning, we get this:

"excedera - no, wait, excedrea"

although, once you're past 73, the memory starts to go, so...

and please, please - do a separated at birth - jade and michael jackson (apres surgery, of course)