More notes from above ground

All right already! I yield! I never wanted to like a Nelly Furtado song, much less admit to liking one, but: (inside voice) I like "Promiscuous." Sorry. I love "Promiscuous." If you had said to me a month ago, "You will fall in love with a track in which Nelly Furtado raps back-and-forth with Timbaland, 'Doin' It'-style, while incorporating the same flow Eve used in her guest appearance on Missy Elliott's '4 My People,'" I would have told you to shut your mouth and say it wasn't so. It's not that I'm amazed by the reliably lame Nelly's skillz -- she's just a limber facial muscle away from Fergie, and she's trying really hard. (Timbo may have guns like tree trunks, but "kinda cute?" Bitch, please.) Anyway, what reeled me in is that kitchen-ass keyboard in the chorus -- Stevie B could have pawned it and he still wouldn't have had enough for his curl activator. That sound helps make "Promiscuous" a freestyle song and that makes me a happy boy. In present form, the song's a little slow to qualify as freestyle, but just listen to this: I pitched it up to an acceptable freestyle tempo (120 bpm, up from 114+), cut as much of the original bass as could and put a drum loop from Stevie B's "Spring Love" in its place. It's a natural. It makes me want to eerily chase someone on the beach.

But I do have my reservations about loving "Promiscuous." Basically, it's all fun and games until Justin Timberlake shows up in your video with his butch-mom hair and eyebags.

Do I really want to be getting down to what JT gets down to? Probably not. But I will anyway. For now.

And speaking of promiscuous:

I love that Cassie is basically just Ciara minus the sexual-history shame ("I know them other guys / They been talkin' 'bout the way I do what I do / They heard I was good / They wanna see if it's true / They know you're the one I wanna give it to / I can see you want me to," sayeth Cass). Her first single "Me & U," is all goodies, no jar and my favorite of the year. The good news is that now that it's been spruced up -- crisper production, more endearingly off-key adlibs from Cass, guest verses from Ray J and some other clown -- it finally, after like 10 months of bubbling under, has a chance to be a hit (airplay is growing). The bad news? The exposure comes at the cost of being signed to fucking Bad Boy. Cassie, Diddy is going to have no patience for your boogie-flavored tendencies. Please come toward the light. Otherwise, get ready to have you ear talked off as Cheri Dennis sits next to you on the long bus ride through obscurity.

God. I'm not implicating Cassie in this just yet (I remain hopeful under Diddy's doom cloud), but what is it with these girls who can't really sing and, on top of that, have nothing much to say? Case in point: LeToya.

Annoy ya.

(Oh, and thanks for sampling the Stylistics' "You Are Everything" in "Torn," because I'm too stupid to remember Mary J. Blige doing that first and about 7,000 times better nine years ago in "Everything.")

But you know, I love to bitch...

...even about my No. 1 beloved purveyor of camp in pop music (more on the camp in a second and, ooo wee, it's a doozy). I honestly forget sometimes why I love MC. And then she reminds me. The decaying strings are trying to get in the way, but nothing can stop that remix from being 100 percent sunny. All is right in Cupcake Land.

And one more thing about the girls...

...is there yet a controversey brewing about Busta and Kelis' "I Love My Bitch" like the one that surrounded Apache's "Gangsta Bitch"? Basically, the anti-"Gangsta Bitch" argument went, "Hey! He called her a bitch!" Busta, though, can't even muster up the specificity of, "Give me a ghetto girl, fuck a Soul Train ho." In "I Love My Bitch," a "lady" is a "chick" is a "bitch" is "the shit." I'm not trying to get get my feminist knitting needles in a click ("He equated her to excrement!!! Rip out his colon and then we'll see who's shit is what!"), but I'm certainly not buying the love that Busta's selling. Here, Kelis is just some ornamental, phony counterpoint, as she just gets to parrot three phrases at the appropriate times: "I love my nigga," "I love my boy" and "He bring me joy." Yeah, he loves her so fucking much that he can't even throw her a verse so that she can be a proper foil, right?

Beyond all that, this entire project begs the question: What's more wack - a shouty chorus from Will.I.Am or Mr. and Mrs. Smith as an extended cultural reference? I honestly don't have the answer. My mind is officially boggled.

But maybe I'm just being gay.

You know you're yes, yes, yethhhh!!! homo when you gravitate to (non-sexual) songs about butts on major rap releases. First, Ghostface's ode to spanking, "Whip You With a Strap" was about the only track on Fishscale that I fell in love with completely (yeah, it still hasn't grown on me -- Ghostface just isn't for me, like olives or vaginas). And now, I find myself on Cam'ron's ass, digging "I.B.S." from the Killa Season soundtrack. Yes, that's Cam'ron talking about his irritable bowels, like it's as normal a subject as, you know, Jay-Z's age or shooting people. Bizarre! The biggest revelation, however, is that he was once a "stocky dude." Every time he reveals that he got up to 220 lbs., I start drooling. Seriously, can I see pictures? Because it's kinda hard...

...but I want so desperately to believe that it was true.

Oh, and about that camp thing...

...good ol' Teena. "I Need Your Lovin'," "Beyond the Groove" and "Square Biz" are probably all on my Top 20 songs of all time list, so you know I have major respect for this woman and her many talents. That said, she cracks me up, from the opening freakout of 1987's "Ooo La La La" ("Every time you come around / I feel my world starts turning TOPSAY TURRRRVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!") to the present, when a 50 year old Teena is singing about, "'86 Rolls on platinum games [or something] / Draped to the right, it's a gangsta thang." Her just-released Sapphire is great in theory (neo-soul-isms bolstered by tinny, Southern, maybe-808 beats -- finally, it makes sense that she's on Cash Money!) but sort of tedious in practice (it's long and so are its songs). There are plenty of laughs to be had, though (I mean, the first single is called "Ooo Wee"!), but none louder than those that the torch song "Somebody Just Like You" elicits. In her aim to go over the top, Teena clearly has hit her head on the ceiling, as the song's spoken conclusion attests. Here's a transcript, because sometimes you gotta just spell shit out:

Ooh! I need a man that can handle me. And darlin', that's not always an easy thing to do, 'cause you see, uh, my attention span can be real short sometimes, so you gotta keep it in the mix. You know what I mean? You gotta ruuub me the right way, 'cause I pull no punches, suga. This is Lady T-K-O, hittin' hard, talkin' to you, baby, but you can call me by my Southern name. Oh, heh heh, it's "Honey." Can you handle it? Can you make it what it is now? 'Cause I need some excitement. I need a man that can make love to me all night long and still get up and go to work the next day. A gentle man. A tender, strong man. A real man's man. I need a man that likes a little adventure from time to time. Yeaaaahsss (aw). Somebody that'll take me up in a hot-air balloon and make frantic love to me. Oh, do you wanna kiss me as much as I wanna kiss you? DANGER! Hey, I'm gonna hyperventilate. Let's run the red light. Somebody, somebody just like you. So what do you think baby? I mean, honestly? Do you think you might be able to fill the bill? Ooh, please don't do that. Please don't kiss my eyelids like that. Please don't...aw, my neck! Ay. Please don't, uh, suck on my earlobes like that. You sho are sexy. Sexy when you do your thang. Aw hey well (giggle). You think you're ever gonna get a job?

It should be noted that the beginning portion of the long leaves no indication of this insanity (here's the whole thing, if you want to hear it in context). And really, it is insanity -- if a toothless woman was yelling this on the street, you wouldn't even need to be downwind to smell the crazy. Does doing it in front of a microphone really make things that different?

(My favorite part, by the way, is, "Please don't kiss my eyelids like that." First of all, who kisses eyelids? Is she dead? Second of all, "like that," implies that there's more than one way to kiss an eyelid. Oh, Teena, please school me in the ways of eyelidlingus!)

(Second favorite part: hot-air balloon.)

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hyperventilate.

Comments

[Keisha]

Rich, I've fallen in love all over again. I <3 "Promiscuous" as well, though I haven't seen Timb in a while...and Nelly F sounds like some other female singer in that song, not Fergie, but I can't put my finger on whom. Anyway, if you're not writing for some major publication, you NEED to be!

[Saun]

Signing to BadBoy is a definite career killer. Why are people not learning that? And yes, Cam'ron definitely had a little chunk when his first album dropped. He was always in a lot of clothes so you could never really see it but you may get a glimpse if you can find that "Horse & Carriage" video somewhere.

[Eric]

VH1 presents Beyond the Music.

[Jacquie]

I know exactly what you mean about Nelly Furtado. And any Stevie B. beach running association is a good enough recommendation for me!

[JR]

I'm definitely hearing some Spring Love and Party Ur Body on that there remix of urs. Nice. Reminds me of when I bought the Spring Love cassette tape for $1.99 at Tower back in 1989.

BTW, what'choo think about the new Gnarls Barkley cd? Would love to read ur take on it.

[Carla]

Teena is totally ripping off Marlena Shaw's "Go Away Little Boy," one of the best songs ever, in which she's spent the whole song gloriously telling Mr. Man every which way he needs to get ta steppin', but concludes with the eyelid-earlobe moan and tells him he can stay if he gets a job. Teeeeennna, did you think we wouldn't know?

[Cornelius]

Me: Promiscuous Winston, Wherever you are, I got me some catnip, right here in my car...
Winston: Meow Meow Myowwww, Meow meow ow.

[Dayle]

Gad, I can't STAND Furturdo. But I cannot get this damn song outta my head. Song of the summer, I say. Song of the summer. Dammit.

[Christina]

Man this new Teena "song" is hilarious!

Make frantic love to me in a hotair balloon. I'm hyperventalating! Danger! Let's run a red light!

Wow. It's awesome. But still not as campy as Charlene (never been to me)... Represent!

[djDannyS]

Thank you for finally giving me my first glimpse of the newly pumped-up Timba, I've been Googling infrequently in search of some photographic evidence of his newfound bodylove. Do you have any more pix, or can you point me to any?

[ben]

Nelly's "Maneater" is much much much better. It's the first single in Europe, so mp3's and the video are tramping their way around the internets. Do check it out.

[thomas]

Aww, I was hoping Teena's last line would end with a sudden deepness and abruptness, like Gillette's 'Sex Tonight' "you got a condom?" Sorely disappointed. But never by your posts. Keep up the hilarious work!

[SnapDragon]

I like Nelly Furtado a lot, but I'm a little disappointed in the video. She looks great, but she spends a lot of time wiggling her very small ass in the camera. It's cute for the first 10 seconds but then it's like, "damn, do you still have a face?"

[Ian]

Ms. Furtado can nasally vocalize in my ear anytime!

[Joe]

i for one like nelly, and can not get enough of this song, that is until i heard your freestyle take! it would have been a proper freestyle song if nelly was tone deaf (or loud and nasaly).

[Foxy]

I second the Maneater comment. Maneater is the shit.

And for the record, I dated a guy (briefly) who kissed eyelids. He thought it was...well, I don't know what he thought it was. So me and Teena have more in common than the fact that our love will make you high.

I demand you make this a regular feature. And I demand the next installment cover the Lumdiee and Fatman Scoop song that incorporates "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" and the riddim Nina Sky used in "Move Your Body".

[Miss Kitty]

"With his butch-mom hairdo"--LOL!

Rich, you've done it now. I'll never again look at Justin Timberlake the same way again. He honestly does look like someone's butch mama. [sigh]

[Brandon]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Justin - my hubby for life.

[LAS]

Is every blogger in the world getting paid to hype the Nelly trash? Oh she who gets the she-can't-dance-video-edit (oh the shame!) and has been repackaged since we last saw here to be a mysterio r&b chick as opposed to the flat-bellied caucasion pop-girl she was first launched as. Nelly's like Gumby, you can pose her as anything!

[summer]

i hate it when artists remix songs that were perfectly fine. if you're going to do that, at least make the song better. "say something" already had snoop, did we really need another version? no. no, j.d., we did not. stop pushing dem franchize idiots on us.

i love gabby. so i'm going to forgive busta for that mess just because she's in the video. bitch, bitch rah rah, that's not why it's mess. the song just sucks. ilovemybitchILOVEMYNIGGA all run together. ugh. but what's sad? it will be a club-banger. bet *pinky-finger swearing* because of the lyrics, not in spite of.

[Q]

I've been reading your blog for a minute now (translation: several weeks) and I have to echo the sentiments of others by saying that you truly are a gifted writer. Moreover, I felt compelled to comment on your Nelly F post cuz it's obvious that you are just as passionate about music as I am.

At any rate, I've had the good fortune of getting my hands on an advance copy of her new CD, Loose. As much as you hate yourself for loving "Promiscuous", I predict that you might find yourself in the same predicament when you hear "Maneater". This not-a-Hall-&-Oates-cover has already been released overseas and I predict that it, if there's any justice in the world, will be a smash of "Hollaback" proportions. It's what Love.Angel.Music.Baby was supposed to be: futuristic, retro 80s dance music. 'Tis a shame that "Maneater" isn't Janet's comeback single. I urge you to get your hands on this song!

[Paco]

I love listening to Nelly F...as long as she's not live. I've seen her live 3 times (I never learn, huh?) and she was TERRIBLE. I mean, not-getting-past-the-auditions-on-American-Idol terrible. Booed off the stage terrible. Everytime I hear one of her songs I think about all the help she must've had in the studio.

[Rich]

I hate to have a humorless retort, but I think it goes without saying that I don't get paid to talk about anything. Something provokes a response and I put it down. I don't think this blog would work otherwise, right?

[Leah]

Cam'ron Chunk = the movie paid in full... he looks like a different person

http://imdb.com/title/tt0259484/
http://imdb.com/title/tt0259484/photogallery

lol

[wynter]

rich, i'm jocking your style. you have no idea. i called nelly's maneater as sleeper b-sider.