Seen from a mall

How stupid of me to dub her "Sara, Tall and Tall" and then "Sara, Boring and Boring." I should have called her "Sara, Mall and Mall." I mean, clearly.

Oh well, now Sara can put her intellect toward her dream of becoming a lawyer. Or, even better, now she's prime material for a clerk at the As Seen on TV store. The mall is calling, girl. You'll have no problem fitting right back in, you consuming zombie, you.

(I bet you thought the Zombi 2 banner above was random. But now, you see, we've come full circle. To paraphrase the good people at Bravo, this is what you call "making it work.")

And so is this:

61. Danielle

62. Danielle

Thank you, Danielle, for being the sole girl keeping the crying count alive for the second week in a row. I knew you were my favorite for a reason.

And on choosing favorites: Jesus Christ, Tyra was so generous this week with the potential Tyraisms. Choosing a witticism to stand out from the rest is like having to decide if "The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else, if she is plain," is superior to "In married life, three is company, and two is none," or even, "I am not in favor of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable." I guess what I'm trying to say is that it just doesn't seem fair, having to rank the importance of her earnestness.

(Note: I first typed "earnesty" and it took me a minute to realize how stupid that is and how much stupider it sounds. I'm becoming Jade. Help me.)

Anyway, what's better than ANTM in illustrating life's unfairness? This right here is your Tyraism of the Week. It's all about that, "I have a little rule..."

"Men's magazine: legs open like that, straight to camera. Women's magazine: turn it a little bit. Same pose, turn it like this. Men's magazines:

Arch the back.

Women's magazines:

Hunch the back."

But what of turning it a little bit, Snatchy?

I'd also like to point out that neither of those pictures were for magazines of any gender. They're both from the show (the first example is from the Cycle 2 challenge that found the girls made up in the likeness of stars. Tyra's supposed to be Mariah Carey in that picture, not, I repeat, not Suzanne Somers).

In this week's Jwatch, my love for Twiggy continues to flourish. Homegirl summed up the seemingly confusing and complex Miss J in but eight words.

"You just want to be controversial, don't you?" It's the story of his life, y'all. Later, in what could be described as a gay-gay touché, J zings back when Twiggy says, "Her should go home."

"She's been around too many black folks!" Guffaw, guffaw. They're shaping up to be quite the comedic duo. They should take their show on the road and call themselves Darling and Pearl. Can you imagine the droves of old ladies who'd flock to see them?

I would, at least.

1. Let's commence random discussion by talking about some bullshit.

Look, if everyone fails the test...

...then it's the test that fails.

So wrong, even if it allowed Danielle the opportunity to drop her new catchphrase for the first time.

"Shut yo mouth, and say it ain't so." I gotta say, that in addition to playing the modeling game, the girl knows how to play the TV game as well as, say, Jade. She's constantly changing it up and making me fall in love all over again week after week.

Once more, with feeling.

2. Danielle is at the receiving end of bullshit, part 2:

"I'm still concerned about her speech. She cannot do a Cover Girl commercial speaking like that." I've never pointed out how hilarious the overdubbing on this show can be, mainly because I feel like the contrast between the live sound and that which occurs post-production is too difficult to capture and illustrate via the Internet. I think the above example is an exception though, as it pretty clearly sounds as though Tyra recorded it while hiding under her bed from the Grammardon monster. Seriously, I believe that she's concerned because of that quiver in her voice.

That's funny and all, but you know what else it is? You guessed it: complete bullshit. "Try to speak like a Cover Girl," says Tyra. Yes. We should all aspire to your level of eloquence, Bankston Hughes. Also, should she speak like just any Cover Girl? Because jogging my memory gets sweat in my eyes and Elsa fucking Benitez in my ears. Remember the Beauty Tip of the Week segments from Cycle 3?

Elsa's flawless diction brought us such hits as:

"Hey Jay! What's new in nails?"

"I want to look my prettiest. Tell me how!"

"Well, I'd love to get the shine under control."

"This is definitely a holiday-party must-have!"

and Potes' favorite, "And smells like cupcakes!"

I think the world would be a better place if everyone talked like a Cover Girl, don't you?

3. So, unless they're setting us up for a hell of a shocker, it looks like Danielle will not be assuming the role of America's Next Top Model. As much as I like Joanie, this bums me out. That's too much reality. I need to take a trip to Fantasyland.

• The judges keep getting "different perceptions" of Jade.

Imagine that!

• Disaya says Jade looks "a bit moody."

Imagine that!

• The water and Jade, they mix.

You know after she said that, she was all, "I inherited that from my antecestrous heritage. You see, the human body used to be made mostly of water before we developed the gills that we breathe with today."

Imagine that!

• Jade doesn't think Joanie has the body to model lingerie.

OMG, she's right. And what's more, Jade looks hot with her face covered.

Imagine that X 2!

• Jade's a soldier.

We already knew that, but imagine it anyway!

• What do you think she's listening to? My guess is jazz.

Imagine that!

• "Toot-toot. Hoot-hoot. Poot-poot. Tut-tut. Hoopty."

OK?

• Jade's calculating did not help her arrive from the go-sees on time.

Imagine that!

• And speaking of the go-sees, Danielle defined "go-see" without saying "go" or "see," which has to be the first time that happened in six cycles.

Ifuckingmagine that!

• And finally, I love Danielle and all, but why the hell was she surprised to see Tyra at their hotel?

Tyra Banks on her own show. Imagine that!

4. Best. Tyra. Mail. Ever.

5. So, my immediate reaction to Tyra's tsunami speech was to mock it and use it as this week's Tyraism. But you know what? Even if she's dramatically twitty, she's right -- it's important to respect wherever you are via being informed. I'm sure that being in a place that was once so beautiful and then devastated and now is beautiful again is a lot to take in. Really, I'm dropping the cynicism for just a second for Tyra. It's kind of a big deal, y'all.

...but just for a second because a moment of silence on top of that? Please. Isn't saying this shit on camera enough of a public display?

And then, leave it to Jade to cap off the heavy-handedness.

Moving.

Also moving was that outfit Tyra addressed the girls in.

Nice vagina-vagina, Ty Ty.

6. And while we're in Tyra's nether region, this was another potential Tyraism:

"...I got two booties...This is my real booty...

...this is my booty in pictures..."

Y'know, I love that she has a sense of humor about her weight. As much as I make fun of it, I do think it's great that she looks healthy. I admire you, Ms. Two Booties.

7. Thai people are as flavorful as their food!

This guy clearly studied at the Tyra Banks School of Specificity:

Or was that the Jade School of Coherence?

This one . . .

...was such a whore to Sara. "Twenty-two is quite old to start out, isn't it?" "OK, maybe walk less like...more relaxed!" "You're too tall." The cunt! Ripping on Sara is my job. How dare she?

This one is my favorite, though:

"Thailand is the country of smiles, so please keep smiling." Really? It is?

Practice what you preach, bitch!

And stop bragging!

8. Best. Backseat. Driver. Ever.

Also, did you ever notice how hot she is?

I did!

9. Am I the only one who wished Nigel had photographed the girls topless?

I'm talking about him being topless.

10. And who's the broad guy in the red?

Why haven't we been introduced sooner?

Also, I think that's Ken Mok all the way to the right. Note to Ken: you cannot look bourgie waist-deep in water, no matter what. Nice try, though.

11. And rounding out this guys-on-the-beach motif is this:

Notice anything funny about Jay? Like the fact that his fucking nipple is censored?

Riddle me this one guys. Please. I wonder if he's such a fucking lady that he requested it not be shown. Or, maybe it's so freakish that UPN was afraid of exposing its viewers to the public. Like, maybe it's an obscene shade of purple from being twisted so much or maybe it's three-inches long or something. No matter how you slice it, though: what. the. fuck.

(Here's tweaking you, Jonno.)

12. If you ever wanted to change your heritage, it's this easy.

"I'm impressed with Joanie today. She pulled that hair back and she just became European!"

Simple!

13. When Tyra eyes aren't smiling...

...when Tyra eyes are smiling...

See the difference?

Well, do you?

The answer is yes. Yes you do.

14. So, Sara's elimination means that Jade is in the Top 3. I kind of love that.

The Top 3! That's the upper-epilechemelon, y'all!

Could you ever, in your fantasy of fantasies, have imagined that?

Comments

[Oujisama-san]

Another Great recap! and yay for being first!

[WhicketyWhack]

Brilliant, as always!

Cheers to being first. Na na na na naaaa naaa!

[Mr. Prince]

ah, another great one! I'm soooo happy that the final three are the final three! And, not to mention, you really dug deep for that 'Beauty tip of the week' stuff. Props to Dani for explainig 'go see' in the best way possible. And her new catchphrase is the fierceness! I dunno, Joanie seems too obvious right now. It might be down to Jade and Danielle *knocks on wood* but hopefully it will come down to Danielle and Joanie.

[me me me]

I love your recaps!! It gives me something to look foward to. I thought I was the only one that didn't notice a fucking difference in Tyra's eyes smiling and not smiling.

[Jude]

That go-see challenge was such bullpoopies. Shouldn't the challenge have been to get to the actual go-sees on time? No one's going to care whether a model gets back home on time in the actual modeling industry, right?

And dang. Nigel keeps getting hotter.

[Will]

They need to change the name of this show to next Cover-Girl next season. Tyra has been on Danille about her gap and her speech because they are not up to Cover Girl standards. That voice over this week is just to warn you in advance that D. will not win. Corporate America runs this show not Tyra.

Great recap.

[Margaret]

Danielle is 10 times more eloquent than Nicole - those "My Life as a Cover Girl" spots are starting to make my stomach angry.

[mimi]

censored nipple? wtf???? gross

[daniellefan]

Rich, what with your wet cat recaps and Mr. Orange's censored nipples I have been reduced to cripplingly silent laughter in my cube. It's too much. Stop the funnies.

[Jen]

You made my day..thank you!

[aj]

I didn't notice Mr. Jay's nipple bleepage at all during the episode! That doesn't make it any less funny though.

I think I love Danielle. She's kind of perfect how she is...including her accent. At least she doesn't make up words and confuse the meaning of preposterous, facade and dinosaur. Perhaps Ty-Ty should be more worried about Jade making a complete fool out of herself during a scripted commercial...perhaps. (Plus, you know that Snow Black's My Life commercials would be far more interesting then Nicole's or Naima's...thank god for the FF function on TiVo)

Great recap as always! Anybody else here praying for a Joanie/Danielle top two. That would be hot shit right there!

[KV]

I have never had a problem understanding what Danielle says, and she comes out with some pretty witty stuff. And she's actually quite eloquent when she does speak -- take the "go-see" definition for example. Boo on Tyra. She's just mad because even with her Hicksville accent, Danielle still sounds more intelligent than Tyra.

[mimi]

oh and jade throwing up the rocafella sign after the tsunami speech? priceless

[summer]

Ms. Two Booties. You're so witty and clever.

How do you find the strength to do these recaps every week? I swear, ANTM often leaves me drained, especially the Tyraisms. Is it therapeutic to just face it head on? Kudos to you, Rich.

Also the Covergirl sound bytes featuring Elsa were brilliant. Way to drive your point and Tyra's bullshit home.

[julie]

Loves it!! Everytime I watch an episode now and I see something funny I think about what you're gonna have to say about it and then it gets funnier! LOL!

[cutthroatingness]

I swear I love your recaps more than the show! Thanks for pointing out the digitizing of Jay's nipple -- preposterous!

[Karen]

Funny Like Always, Keep up the good work, I think I'm the only one praying for a Jade win!

[Mango]

Check out Jade's MySpace!

http://www.myspace.com/jadeygirll

[wtf]

seriously, what is up with the censored jay nipple!!!

[Mer]

How Little Edie is Jade when she is throwing kisses or whatever to the ocean in memory of the tsunami victims?

[gayestneil]

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Covergirl Model Tip of the Week!!!!!

Remember how subtle the product placement used to be. If the show even dared to try to sneak something in, atleast they had the nerve to dress it up as a fake beauty-segment.

Oh how I miss the covergirl tip of the week.

[antm]

looves it!

[jmjm]

Something I didn't notice while watching the show... When Tyra is doing her Booty #1 demonstration, it totally looks like Nigel's got his arm all the way up there. The look on her face is priceless.

And Disaya is so cute!

[gayestneil]

I want Jade to win. Darth Verboseous has won me over. She's a nutcase. And Joanie suddenly got beetchy.

[minaaay]

great recap as always.
it pisses me off how they rip on the way danielle speaks. That’s part of her charm. They didn’t rip on nicole’s god-awful midwestern accent last year. I can’t even bear to hear nicole talk, her a’s and o’s drive me nuts! And I’m from the midwest!