After watching this week's episode of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, I feel further need to defend it. Yeah, JDMA possibly the most trivial and superficial thing on TV right now (The Hills have nothing on it!), but of course it is. Complaining about Janice Dickinson churning out putrid, garbage television is like hanging out with a homeless person and complaining about the smell.
Also, it strikes me that Janice is simultaneously emotionally complex and devoid of many expressions (Botox strikes), which might cause major confusion for the uninitiated. If that's the case, I've drawn up a chart to illustrate Janice's major mood swing of the show (when, in seeming minutes, she went from defending the pleasant plumpness of signees Lauren and Nyabel against the criticism of Janice's business partner, Peter, to agreeing with him). I don't know why Janice behaves the way she does, but at least we this, we can attain a greater understanding of how she behaves the way she does. You might want to click on this to enlarge it.
1. Belligerent - "Don't be so mean, Peter...You know what, I'm going to take you outside." Janice "You're Too Fat" Dicksinson gets rowdy not just for any girls, but for their chunk. Is that spirit or spirits greasing her wheels?
2. Idealistic - "Some models just are larger than others." Her head's in the clouds. If they aren't anorexic they aren't real models. Everyone knows that.
3. Passionate - "I believe in my girls!" Peter Cetera-style, Janice is the world's first supermodel who will fight for their honor.
4. Realistic - "You're coming along, but it needs to drop off faster." In which the chemicals align and Janice achieves her daily five minutes of balance. Showtime. Synergy.
5. Smug - "And I just got so pissed, I went to the gym yesterday and worked out for three hours. That's why I can eat chocolate." Keep in mind that during this entire debate, Janice is shoveling food into her mouth, proving superiority one earned bite at a time.
6. Pissy - "Nyabel and Lauren had some time to drop the pounds. They didn't follow through and they're certainly not doing the work." At least she didn't rush to a conclusion.
7. Domineering - "Nyabel and Lauren have two weeks to shape up or ship out. They really need to understand how serious I am." If all else fails she can put them in ball gags to get them to stop eating so much, right?
The sensitive subject causes the two
cows girls to flee. Janice follows them, offering an apology, and immediately following it up with this.
"'Cause you're a little bit heavy right now. You're. Heavy. Right. Now." A gentle reminder.
And then, in her final act of sensitivity, Janice bizarrely rubs a tear off Lauren's face and ends up jabbing her in the eye.
A few more random observations from the episode follow...
First, the eye candy:
I don't know what this guy's name is...
...or what his deal is...
...but I want to have his children. He isn't just flawless, he's flawless with good eyebrows. They are scarce, as we'll soon find out.
Soren (however you spell it), meanwhile, has that ass worth getting lost in...
...and that face worth losing.
Seriously, it's a shame they can't shoot him naked from behind all the time. Now I really know what the 2 Live Crew meant when they said, "Face down, ass up."
This guy, I don't have an opinion on either way...
...but how did I know that when Janice mentioned him being from Hawaii, she'd follow it up with a barb entirely dependent on stereotyping ("What are ya eatin', poi?")? Sensitivity strikes again (and I'm not going to post anything from her embarrassing "jive talk" rant, which featured her Jewish grandmother -esque take on "Whassup!" OK, actually, I will post that).
This is Janice's plastic surgeon, or at least a plastic surgeon she knows trusts. Clearly, his face is no stranger to the knife, itself.
But what, I wonder, is the point of getting work done if it's just going to make you look like a drag king doing a lousy Anderson Cooper?
"Peter Gabriel. Peter Gabriel." Peter Gabriel?
Oh. Peter, Gabriel. Peter, Gabriel. Disappointing.
Nyabel needs to get herself some eye-a-brows. Until she she does, she will be known to me as Nay-a-brow.
And speaking of eyebrows:
Ew. Here's a suggestion for Not-So-Cutiè: take that "carpet" you're toting around, cut it up and glue some of its fake fur to your brow.
Not that I need to hate on N-S-C -- Janice did a fine job herself (I told you that she chose these trolls just to tear them down).
"I believe that your nose is too bulbous. And if it's painful to you, I apologize." Aw, she's getting soft on us!
And then, Janice dumped N-S-C's ass. Yay!
Janice doesn't have love for her fellow bitch? Shocking.