Janice Dickinson is better at being a gay man than anyone else on TV. This much we probably already knew. However, it became clearer with this week's episode, in which Janice's modeling agency teams with fucking 2(x)ist underwear (the faggiest way to cover dick this side of Jeff Palmer) that JDMA is simply the gayest thing on TV since Monroe's limp wrist on
One Day at a Time Too Close for Comfort (I knew that -- really, I did!).
What the cock?
Anyway, in bold below are a few of this episodes lessons on how to be your queeny best, by following the example of JanDick.
Stretch out your soft "a" sounds and punctuate sentences with "honey."
"Oh, we haaaaave models, honey." "Honey" is better than "Mary" -- keep things accessible for the kids.
Make sure to include at least one exposed ass in every episode of your show (however you define "show," even if it's lip synching for a friend in your living room).
But! Don't show everything -- keep up an air of mystery, no matter how arbitrary. Boys like mystery.
What made this ass worth censoring, while the one above it was able to shine its full moon? Hair? Redness? Swelling? We'll never know, but we'll always wonder. The important thing is that we're wondering about ass.
Similarly, what's going on here?
Letting it hang out? Rabbit's gotta breathe, I guess.
Refine the art of bitch by showing outward compassion...
...and then immediately retracting it when the back of he who is crestfallen is turned.
Aside 1: But really, Soren was pretty amazing this episode. First of all, this was his reaction to, "Can you tell me about your tattoo?"
Only a model would answer an essay question by caressing himself.
And then, he threw a fit when he wasn't selected for the 2(x)ist gig.
Oh, and the result was Janice's faggy and faux consolation, which gave her the opportunity to inform us that she, "had to eat, sleep and shit...homelessness!" Fabulous!
Sit like lady, no matter what's going on around you.
Though I do admit that sparring with her son about her tits constantly hanging out does throw a wrench into the Janice-is-a-gay-man theory.
Channel Edie Beale
Find fuckability in Ev. Ry. Thing.
"Y'know garbage men are really hot." So I'm guessing that in addition to eating, sleeping and shitting, she also fucked homelessness?
Aside 2: That TJ guy is so plain, but so cute, right?
Plain, cute, and don't forget gayish!
Dance in public!
Say queer, over-the-top shit like...
"It was a crowded room and the only way to really show off the package was the top of the table top so that they could look like the Greek gods they are!" and "This is the best underwear line existing. 2(x)ist!"
Aside 3: How many times a day do you think Nathan jerked off while he had the house to himself?
My guess is six, minimum.
And so, in sum:
Finally, if you have a hard time following these tips to fagulosity, if your faggotry needs to be kicked up, follow the example of 2(x)ist's Jason Scarlatti:
Toss the phrase "so statuesque" into a sentence. That should sort you right out.