How to be fabulously gay

Janice Dickinson is better at being a gay man than anyone else on TV. This much we probably already knew. However, it became clearer with this week's episode, in which Janice's modeling agency teams with fucking 2(x)ist underwear (the faggiest way to cover dick this side of Jeff Palmer) that JDMA is simply the gayest thing on TV since Monroe's limp wrist on One Day at a Time Too Close for Comfort (I knew that -- really, I did!).

Seriously.

What...

...the...

...fuck?

And alternately:

What the cock?

Anyway, in bold below are a few of this episodes lessons on how to be your queeny best, by following the example of JanDick.

Stretch out your soft "a" sounds and punctuate sentences with "honey."

"Oh, we haaaaave models, honey." "Honey" is better than "Mary" -- keep things accessible for the kids.

Make sure to include at least one exposed ass in every episode of your show (however you define "show," even if it's lip synching for a friend in your living room).

But! Don't show everything -- keep up an air of mystery, no matter how arbitrary. Boys like mystery.

What made this ass worth censoring, while the one above it was able to shine its full moon? Hair? Redness? Swelling? We'll never know, but we'll always wonder. The important thing is that we're wondering about ass.

Similarly, what's going on here?

Letting it hang out? Rabbit's gotta breathe, I guess.

Refine the art of bitch by showing outward compassion...

...and then immediately retracting it when the back of he who is crestfallen is turned.

Cunty!

Aside 1: But really, Soren was pretty amazing this episode. First of all, this was his reaction to, "Can you tell me about your tattoo?"

Only a model would answer an essay question by caressing himself.

And then, he threw a fit when he wasn't selected for the 2(x)ist gig.

"I can't even, like, talk right now." No babe, and also, you can't even, like, talk right ever.

Oh, and the result was Janice's faggy and faux consolation, which gave her the opportunity to inform us that she, "had to eat, sleep and shit...homelessness!" Fabulous!

Sit like lady, no matter what's going on around you.

Though I do admit that sparring with her son about her tits constantly hanging out does throw a wrench into the Janice-is-a-gay-man theory.

Channel Edie Beale

Duh.

Find fuckability in Ev. Ry. Thing.

"Y'know garbage men are really hot." So I'm guessing that in addition to eating, sleeping and shitting, she also fucked homelessness?

Aside 2: That TJ guy is so plain, but so cute, right?

Plain, cute, and don't forget gayish!

Dance in public!

Say queer, over-the-top shit like...

"It was a crowded room and the only way to really show off the package was the top of the table top so that they could look like the Greek gods they are!" and "This is the best underwear line existing. 2(x)ist!"

Aside 3: How many times a day do you think Nathan jerked off while he had the house to himself?

My guess is six, minimum.

And so, in sum:

Gay.

Gay.

Gay.

Finally, if you have a hard time following these tips to fagulosity, if your faggotry needs to be kicked up, follow the example of 2(x)ist's Jason Scarlatti:

Toss the phrase "so statuesque" into a sentence. That should sort you right out.

Comments

[coot]

sounds like janice and florrie have a lot in common...

[Gayest Neil]

I KNOW! Janice "Dick-in-scene" (OMG did I just coin that?!) is waaaaaaay faggier than me.

[nOva]

Hmmmm.... I'm over here trying to think of the show Monroe was actually on. It was the Ted Knight show, but I forgot the name.

And I'm so mad I missed this.

Soren needs his own show where he walks around in his briefs.

[Omar]

Monroe was on Too Close for Comfort...where he played the gay guy living in the attic.

[Luv]

This show is so trashy.. I effing love it!

[summer]

you are so funny.

you've got me reading recaps of a show that i don't even watch.

wow.

[brandy]

What the cock is being inserted into my every day vocab as we speak.

Um. Im sorry that last sentence was unintentionally dirty.

Maybe you could see sac in those photos.
No one really needs to see sac on tv.
The california raisins were bad enough.

[ric ray]

ha ha ha! We call her Janice Dick-insert here in sf! Lovesit!

[christine]

I don't know if I could bear to watch an all-Janice all the time show. Thank you for watching these delicious shows and reporting on them.

Also, you saved my life whenever I missed an episode of ANTM. So thank you. If you ever need a kidney or something, just email me and I'll see what I can rustle up.

[lil edie]

She's stocked on crazy, JD just needs a brooch on her head to really emulate Edie Beale.

"This is my revolutionary costume. I think this is the best outfit for the day" Bitches.

[Abrego]

What is up with TJ's dick? We need to see this thing sans underwear. We'll at least I do. And I was hoping you would point out JD's fascination with garbage men. Thank you. She practically chased one down the street last time and now she's almost humping them on the street corner. Fabulous show. Just fabulous!

[kelicious]

All I can say is that thing must be huge.

[Shawn]

You know he stole "so statuesque" from Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything. Julie Newmar.

Janice is working harder at being a gay icon, because she knows that if she gets the gays behind her she can work forever! Gays support their people. As broke down as she is right now, Whitney Houston can probably sell out a Pride event right now - ESPECIALLY a black pride event.

[destinych3]

I definately gotta start watchin Oh!

[bettiwettiwoo]

Two words: sock penis.

this is my favourite blog. you are a funny funny dude.

[LAS]

A tad off topic, but I know, Rich, that since you love the crazy ladies, you won't want to miss this one. She's a conservative political blogger and her first attempt at a videocast is priceless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyiJ6RIgMMg

[Angelsoulnme]

Everytime I come here I'm just going to type "Oh Rich I love you!" LMAO - You make my day everytime you post something new.

[Vanessa]

Adding my own Aside: Did anyone else find the third model creepy? The one with the almost mullet from Utah? I suspect you did Rich because he's featured only in one screen cap above.

[dgp]

all i could stare at that whole episode was tj's green...... yeah.

[Blair]

I love it! I cannot wait until Project Runway recaps start.

[Marie]

^^ Can we just stay in the moment and enjoy today's dish?

Let's simply digest the goods Rob generously has to offer today without thinking about what's next.

Practically two whole weeks until PR...cool ya jets.

[Andrew Der]

That model boy's dick was poking out during the entire party! I guess he was pretty excited to be there. And they edited out the part where Janice, true to form, climbs up on side of the wall and breaks whatever it was she was standing on. Classic.

[Kiley]

You're absolute class Rich! I don't even bother watching telly anymore; I just read what's happened on your blog ;)
BTW, for some reason TJ reminds me of a young pre-Posh Spice David Beckham...

[Kenneth]

I love it!

[Jude]

Holy Jesus. I'm going to have to start watching this.

[Mrs Patrick Campbell]

why are all the models such nelly queens? couldn't they find any men?

[duane]

That was a fantastically gay recap!

[Bourgeois Nerd]

Of all of them, John struck me as the faggiest. I mean, HELLO, he was all like, "I like people touching me because I'M touching me in this underwear!" and "My ass is my best feature!" Plus, he has this lip pucker thing that just screams "Fag!" to me.

TJ, I'm not sure about. Gay? Straight? A bit dim, I think, so he probably just ends up in bed with whomever can trick him into it, which probably isn't hard.

[V]

John Stallings was out-and-proud in Manhunt, sexuality seems less of an issue in J. Dick's show.

[Boobie]

J.Dick was totally chanelling Cruella Deville in this episode. When she arrived (late) to the 2(x)ist show I expected her to bark, "I want those puuuuuuupiiiieeeeeeeeeees!"

But to hear her tell it, she's much more the JeriLee Randall. She's had practically every Hollywood cliche fall into her lap -- including shitting homelessness!

Why do I crave the Dick so much?

[jesse55]

I, too just love TJ Wilk (the manny), and that picture of TJ in the green underwear, YES!, YES!,YES! He's from Ohio and cut, in more than one place.

[avi]

never have a found show so simultaneously watchable and unwatchable. i'm all about blue 2xist guy. john is it? jon? jonnnn? i'm over the fact that janice is acting like it's a big deal to book the 2xist job. the only reason they booked her models is because they get the extra publicity of being on tv. like there aren't male models in new york. my biggest issue though is why is her son so damn ugly? he should get plastic surgery to look exactly like her immediately.

[Bertram]

But did you notice how TJ is so "I just can't believe how amazing this is" everytime they do the confessional thing?

[merritt]

have you seen wassup rockers? with janice dickinson's very memorable cameo? I hope so.

ps I love winston... and your blog!

[Stephanie]

Hey, did you see Raymundo, from PR, in the 7-10 split episode? (episode 9) He was the stylist or something. Oh, and they quoted you on a commercial too, the "It's nice to see Janice insulting people again" quote. I never knew your recaps had so much infuence, lol. That's exactly why you should keep doing them.

[stejsh]

in the episode... then they walk away from the 2xist guy at then end... did anyone notice how TJ pulls up is underwear to show the guy his ass? did anyone see that?