I made my bed, I'll lie in it

As an avid fan of ANTM, I've come to learn that discerning televised truth from fiction only gets in the way of entertainment. Either is fine. "Dramality" is OK, because spectacle is spectacle. The lengths people go to to lie are sometimes just as impressive as impressive as the fantastic truth (this is why Silvia Night's public freak-out after losing Eurovision was just as funny after I found out that she's just a character and that the whole thing was a sham -- if someone's going to act that way in public, someone's an asshole worth watching regardless of the degree of sincerity).

Besides, this willingness to lie for entertainment turns out material that's truly surreal. Take, for example, the scandalous, tear-soaked finale of the Mrs. World 2006 pageant that aired this weekend (it originally was held in St. Petersburg, Russia). Would you believe it if I told you that Alan Thicke hosted it?

Try not to pinch yourself. You aren't dreaming.

Would you believe that Mrs. Russia was named Mrs. World 2006 . . .

. . . causing cherubic devil spawn to come out of the fucking ceiling bearing the crown . . .

. . . which ended up on Mrs. Costa Rica?

Would you believe that the rest of the contestants were either stupid enough to play along with the sham that was shaping up, or just plain stupid enough to then congratulate Mrs. Costa Rica even though Alan Thicke clearly named Mrs. Russia the winner and continued congratulating her?

(Yeah, I guess the stupidity thing is pretty believable.)

Would you believe that this mishap then caused a man with the countenance of Buffalo Bill and the voice of Harvey Fierstein to completely fag out on the woman who fucked up by crowning Mrs. Costa Rica?

And then, after way too long of a time, when the error finally was caught...

...would you believe the gentle outrage, the manicured anger, the emotional chaos that ensued after Costa Rica's crown had been ripped off?

Would you believe that I had to restrain myself from counting the crying bitches?

Would you believe that someone had the nerve to claim that this isn't a reality show, which only served to prove that it in fact, is, what with all the backstage footage (when have you ever seen a pageant go this deep for extended reactions?!)?

Here's that fucking awesome kid again, randomly. Believe it.

Would you believe that when it was time to rightfully crown Mrs. Russia, Alan Thicke announced that this was "take 2," undermining the entire concept of re-taking by pointing out the fact that that's what was happening?!?!

Would you believe that these women looked up...

...to see that child, who's by now my personal lord and savior, one last time?

Would you believe that after all this, Mrs. Russia gloated around the stage in a swaying motion? Her hips don't lie; they say, "I told you so."

And then, when it abruptly ended and plunged us into the credits, would you believe that a presumably related duo by the name of Frat and Frit did the show's choreography?

If I told you all this, in person, without the pictures, you probably wouldn't believe me. But it really happened! Or, at least, it falsely happened.

(Download)

But, of course, what's important is just that it happened. And it was awesome.

Comments

[jeremy]

That is some funny shit. Damn I wish we got, um, We. If only for Felicity--but it appears they have other quality programming as well.

[Miss Kitty]

Good God, that's funny! Now if only I could stand crying bitches for more than 30 seconds at a time... :-P

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

so a wee Russian girl suspended by pulleys over an auditorium is all it takes to usurp Gina as your "personal lord and savior"?
Hmpf.

HOW DID I MISS THIS!!

[brandy]

Wait...so the angel put the crown on the wrong head?

I would believe you in person because this is just too good to be make believe.

[brandy]

Frit and his twin brother Frat played the "3 headed devil" in the hit movie Monkeybone...which even though everything in this last sentence sounds like a porn it is not.

[Genevieve]

Awesome!!!

[dayle]

TOO much. Love the look on Mrs. Russia's face when they took the crown off Costa Rica. My crown; eat it, bitches. FUN FUN FUN!!!

[Arthur James]

This.was.the.best.thing.EVER!

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one transfixed!

[Saun]

That's what I get for giving up on "Miss/Mrs" pageants. I never thought they could be this fun. I must go watch this now.

[pphillihpp]

so mrs. whatever-her-country-is says that "mrs. russia never ONCE came to any of the rehearsals" - and yet she won! gosh, what a surprise! the contest is held in russia, and mrs. russia knows all she has to do is show up to win! (if you've ever lived in russia, you know this makes perfect sense.)

oh, and alan thicke's comment about the show coming from the "monumental oktriabrskii theatre" - um, ok, fine, if "monumental" means "hideous stalinist pile in desperate need of cleaning and renovation."

[pphillihpp]

(equally fabuouls: mrs. norway's use of "fucking" as a modifier - just like a native english speaker. now *that's* talent!)

[mutterhals]

This reminds me of an acid flashback I had once...

[EM]

How about the contestant who mouthed "Fuck you!" right into the camera?

[Amber]

I actually started to watch this show on WE - I made it until Mrs. Bolivia was named Miss Congeniality. I then turned the channel, thinking this was just going to be another predictable, Alan Thicke related show. Oh, man! Do I wish now that I had watched the whole thing! Maybe WE will repeat it. If only that little girl could drop out of the sky and crown me - I could then travel the world performing miracles. Thanks for letting us know how unbelievable awesome this pageant was!

[Carrie]

This was too good. And you're so right, the sashay Mrs. Russia performed after finally getting her crown was priceless! lol

[Hateraid]

OMG...you really can't make this *ish up.
This is beyond funny!

[Jackie]

Frit and Frat . . . priceless

[Emily]

The more I read and scrolled the more I was sure crack had to be involved... Devil Spawn's pixie dust perhaps?

[vi-girl]

This was f-ing priceless...I can't believe I missed it on tv! GOOD GOD. A 'fiasco' is right. Poor Alan was just caught in the thicke of it...

ps: cherub angel = creepy as f*ck

[anita]

I'll bet that sashay and twirl Mrs. Russia did felt fabulous!

[istolethetv!]

weren't frit and frat the twins that taught the ANTM gals to twirl?

[Keisha]

LMAO...that was BEYOND ridiculous. Lmao @ how ppl were still excited even though he repeatedly said "Mrs. Russia is the winner." @ how the lady STILL put the sash and crown on Mrs. Costa Rica, regardless. At the look on that same lady's face after she got berated by the guy. (The look back and the concurrent group hug and congrats - PRICELESS.) And the spinning child from the ceiling - WTF? Hahahaha...

Oh Rich, only you are able to capture ridiculous moments on TV and make them THAT MUCH BETTER. I <3 you so much.

[Y]

I'm crying here. CRYING!!!

[SOSEDUCTIVESARA]

DID ANYONE SEE WHEN THE GIRL PINNED THE CROWN ON MISS RUSIAS HEAD AND STABBED THE SHIT OUT OF HER? AND SHE MADE AN OUCH FACE ROFLMFAO I HAD TO KEEP REWINDING IT TO SEE IT AGAIN