Scandal!

You guys, hold on to your eyeballs, for I'm about to blow the lid off an ANTM policy that will make them pop out of your head.

ANTM has a womyn-born-womyn policy! And this revelation comes during New York pride week! For shame, Tyra, for shame.

But really, this is a BIG mistake on TyTy's part -- if there's one thing that any given ANTM house needs, it's a tranny! Imagine how nicely all those hormones would boost the crying count! I want a J-led session on tucking, damn it! This also explains why Tyra held that fakey America's Next Top Transsexual Model competition on her show (a wonderful convergence of guilt and freakshow-management mentality -- chicks with dicks aren't ready for primetime, but give them free reign on daytime TV!).

Also, note the reaction of Janice's son, Nathan: "The body says yes, the mind says no." That's awfully progressive for an 18-year-old boy, though I have a feeling that with a mom like JanDick, he couldn't be any other way.

And speaking of ANTM...

...uh, hi Michelle.

The fuck?

I guess the lesson is: if you can't be a model, be a model on TV and if you can't do that, keep trying.

Aw, and look at how happy Janice was to see her.

Love the outfit, Janice. Is that your Jack-Ass Sparrow look?

Also, this is Ebony from Cycle 5, right?

She, unlike Michelle, didn't make Janice's final roster. I think she should have said, "Don't get it twisted," into the camera. It worked for Tyra.

And what's Tyra doing popping up?

Probably taking back the trademark Tyraism that Janice stole.

Meanwhile...

Man, Ashanti's hard up for work.

This episode of JDMA followed another open call. Normally, I'd be pissed that they were still doing this four episodes in, but Janice does really well with fresh meat.

She hated this chick, whom she dubbed Fargo...

...Peter, Janice's business partner wanted Fargo (so called because that's where she's from -- shut yo mouth and say it ain't Cali!) and Janice and her homo handlers didn't.

The fact that Fargo has never seen Fargo did nothing to endear her to Janice. By the way, check how Janice rapidly jumps from subject to subject -- she doesn't even need an editor to seem crazy. Is she the world's first one-woman reality show?

In the end, Janice relented because her son, Nathan, dug Fargo.

A lot. A girl like Fargo seems a rather obvious choice to gag over (esp. after the progressive stance Nathan took on the tranny). Too obvious, even. But hey, he's young and still figuring shit out.

You can't buy that kinda honesty.

Oh, and speaking of gagging, here's Janice's hyperbole of the week: "Once in a lifetime, a Kate Moss comes along. Once in a lifetime, a Sarah comes along."

I wasn't so convinced.

But the girl can take a picture.

She's going to have to erode her septum and start casually calling people "gay" to convince me she's the next Kate, though.

Also...

Isn't this the best out-of-context subtitle ever?

It came from more tranny talk over Claudia -- Janice asked some kid to "make out" with Claudia and he was reluctant. Learn to love the temporary cock, was basically Janice's response.

I don't know why Janice just didn't ask this guy...

He's so into it! I mean, "into her!"

(I think that's really hot, actually.)

And while the temperature is up, here's your weekly dose of Oxygen-sanctioned ass.

Cute and tight, but from the front, this whisp of a boy seems mighty...proportionate to me.

Dude, put more of an effort into concealment next time so as to give the illusion of being hung. It isn't hard. Clearly.

The episode ended with the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency booking its first client -- Lily Holt Shoes. Four girls were chosen to attend, standing around in Lilly's shoes and doing this...

I was hoping some guy would come up and offer to take them to hear Caesar sing, but no such luck.

And finally: Oh. My. God.

No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Arrrghdgaasldkfasdjlkasdfl;jkfasd;jklasdffasdjklasdfl;jkjklasdf!

Comments

[brandy]

Janices arm is so revolting, she's such a skeletor.

Fargo is not even the pretty girl from a small town, she's the girl that works at the mall sort of pretty, but only because she's really easy, which explains why her son likes her.

None of the boys are doing it for me so far.
I like the bums though, actually on second glance that guy is kind of flat bottomed.

What is the purpose of everyone getting naked? Other than Janice is a pervert?

[Rocco]

This post made me cum!

F'ing amazing!

[Emily]

Janice never fails to surprise me. Love it. You got it exactly right -- she's a one-woman reality show.

[j]

that arm is so damn disgusting, it looks like the staff of an african shaaman priest, with a cursed hand on the top of it and all.
and i think her son has down syndrome but janice hid it by having plastic surgery done on him...

[ETS]

How bad must Ebony feel right now?! Rejected twice ... in front of the world, nonetheless.

Ashanti WISHES she looked as good as that chick.

Sarah looks like she just got her top row of teeth and she's still adjusting.

I refuse to believe that that's Janet's real arm or that Oxygen couldn't have airbrushed that sh*t.

[allie]

i'm not sure why, but the "scoop him off the floor with a spatula"... i can't stop listening to it. and it never gets any less amusing.

[allie]

also, fargo has got that street walker look to her... no wonder janice didn't want her.

[svrb]

wow, i didn't catch ebony...i guess i was so distracted by michelle's unexplained presence that it flew right by me. i mean seriously, you have to figure that almost everyone watching this show watches/has watched antm. they couldn't take a minute to give us some backstory there? i guess janice didn't want to have to reference her glory days with tyra twice in one show. understandably.

[Tony]

You are a friggin' scream! Once again, your screencaps show us that NOBODY works the Bitchfinger like Janice!!

[Judy]

Wow - I would never have known Claudia was born of male sex. Is it the hormone therapy that gives her those hips?

[Penny Woods]

The woman-born-woman policy is proof that Jade is not a drag queen and Robin (season one ANTM) isn't a man. It's sad, I know.

[Foxy]

Arrrghdgaasldkfasdjlkasdfl;jkfasd;jklasdffasdjklasdfl;jkjklasdf!

[Jeremy]

You missed so many hot guy screencaps, Rich. :( John Stallings in that underwear, my god. Oh, and the faux-blonde's package...Stuffed or not, it was hot.

[diane]

Dude you frkn ROCK! I absolutely LOVED your commentary on ANTM and was so sad to see the show end. Thank GOD we now have this show so you may conitnue!

[RustySpigot]

Glad I'm not the only one that got a Showgirls "boat show job" vibe from that lame shoe job. It looked like three people showed up.

[Jacquie]

Such a great way to spend my evening. Perfection, until the gag that is the arm, which will give me nightmares.
Michelle is still fug.

[jesse]

Could you PLEASE make the no-no waaaaaaaay longer? Like a three minute extended jam? or even ten...

Are you doing another recap of ProjRun3?

It starts July12, here's the link to the cast:

http://www.nbcumv.com/bravo/release_detail.nbc/bravo-20060619000000-bravo039s34pr.html

[joshua lim]

I can't even don't know what to say about the arm, Blanche, the arm.

[david]

ew. why the fuck did janice pick michelle when she only had endless bad things to say about her on antm?

Holy crap you recap's and commentary are the best. I'm constantly checking up on this site. You manage to point out everything that I see and everything I miss. You rock.

[spiffy]

In that America's Top Tranny Model episode of Tyra, I actually thought the other finalist did better than Claudia -- but I guess it's all a set-up.

I'm not convinced this Kate Moss '06 is all that, but I guess we'll see. I actually think JD is much better at picking guys than the girls -- but Michelle is a good choice.

Thanks for not capping the models' feet, Rich -- they are way scarier than JD's forearm!

[Tootie]

So is this just a dumping ground for rejects from other modelling shows? That John Stalling guy was from Mancunt on Bravo.

I am LOVING JDMA!!!
Janice's crazy talk > Tyra's stupid gibberish

[Toby]

YOU'RE TOO SHORT.