Bye, Katherine. I'll miss your...um...well...
I can't feel too bad for Katherine. This is reality TV -- no mellow personality goes unpunished. But while I didn't think she had a prayer to go much further in the competition, I also didn't think there was anything wrong with her design.
It looked cute and simple to me! At least, it was better than Angela's.
The only thing redeeming about this sub-Tank Girl get-up was that it gave Heidi another change to show us her progress in her journey from supermodel to bomb-ass homegirl. Dayum!
And I actually favored Katherine's lunacy to Bradley's anal-explosive method of garment making.
I admit that I was happy to see things completely turning around for Bradley when the garment that everyone hated won him some of the biggest praise on the runway. What can I say, I'm a sucker for an underdog (har har...because dogs were prominently featured this...ep...i...whatever, shut up). But really, all I could think of was that his model would have looked better in a hollowed-out pumpkin.
Which is to say:
I wasn't crazy about Michael's, for once.
Though it kinda made me laugh because it reminded me of something Janet Jackson would wear -- you know how she likes to sling her tits, alternately pulling them apart and pushing them together. Who needs a bra when you have a pulley system?
Uli's, of course, won.
That was fine with me. I thought the back was really hot.
I know it's super premature to predict a winner, but I have to agree with Dan Renzi -- this is Uli's game to lose. I think her angle of pattern combinations is solid enough to make for a signature, but basic enough to give her plenty of room to adapt to virtually every challenge Heidi throws her way. But more on my little Björkiekins in a sec.
1. First, I want to talk about the splendor of Alison.
I didn't even get a good look at her design because there was too much of a glare coming off her -- the girl is a ray of sunshine in human form. She deserves her own category on Cute Overload. She was born to grace the distended stomach of a Care Bear.
...was clearly falsified in post-production. Alison clearly wakes up to rainbows everyday:
Nothing but paradise for my girl. I loved when Laura was babbling about the challenge and Alison didn't stir until Laura said "horses":
When they were stomping through Central Park...
...you know she was like, "Now, where did I park my unicorn?"
2. I liked the dog challenge. If nothing else, it's always fun to watch little animals beat themselves into the floor because someone fastened something to them that they aren't cool with.
Aw...they hate fashion. They think they're straight men.
And, you know, it was awesome to watch Laura squirm and get all bitchy about having to deal with something that she couldn't possibly invest "emotional energy" in.
Laura, they said you'll be working with dogs, not dog shit.
But really, how awesome was this?
And that dog loved her ass, too. You know, the harder you push away, the harder they come back.
So yeah, it's settled that I pretty much love Laura now, especially after receiving an email from one Zachary J. last week that asked, "Can we PLEASE talk about how laura is SUCH a VaGeena Davis?" and went on to support the case by citing "that red glamor, that low chortling voice, that 'I just lopped off my breasts to do some archery.'" Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant -- wish I'd observed it myself. As I have a soft spot for Geena, this endears Laura to me. Until, that is...
It's not going away. The non-cleavage is as big a presence as, say, Michael. I think I just have to get used to it.
Anyway, I really think that the results of this week's poll were just to thrust Laura's dog-hate back in her face.
It was a stupid poll anyway, as the true cutest dog wasn't even an option.
Fine, Angela's dog reminds me of Winston, yes. But look at the way she carries herself. There's something really down-to-earth about that stance. I like that in a dog.
Alternately, do you think Heidi should be exploiting her child at such a young age?
Kidding, kidding. Pattycake is way cuter than any kid.
(P.S. Does anyone know what kind of dog this is and will someone please buy me one?)
3. And speaking of Angela, guess what this is:
Why, it's the universal sign for Jubliee Jumbles, the place where a kid can be a kid and a bizarre fusion of over-and-dead '80s revivalism and will-anyone-care-again '90s riot-grrrl chic.
Oh, that Angela. She's so unusual.
4. Wait, what's this show called, again? Because I could swear that I tuned into the latest episode of The Whimsical World of Uli.
Seriously, every thought that she conveys is some fantastical, cartoonish parade of ideas. She is such a funky cool girl, like...eh!
Take when they walked through Central Park to what Uli figured would be a brunch buffet. Was she expecting a leprechaun-manned omelet bar to be part of that?
Or how about Uli's bond with her pug muse, Einstein.
"And if I would be a dog, I would be a dog like Einstein." I wonder if she decided that before or after she observed his behavior. She was all, "Well, I do snort a lot..."
And, let's not forget the story she told to accompany her design.
"I created an outfit for a young, hip girl, who is not afraid of color. She likes partying. Actually, she went to a party last night and she got up at 12:00 and now she's meeting with her fabulous girlfriends and they gonna go to lunch and then they gonna go shopping for more fabulous clothes." Brilliantly, her storytelling conveys the breathless, jet-setting lifestyle. Best thing about it, though, was Ivanka Trump's seemingly instant reaction: "I like your story. It just works for me."
She's all, "Who can't relate?!"
Plus, and I know I said this before and I'll keep saying it for as long as it goes on: Uli talks like Björk. I'm not just being a stupid American who thinks every foreign person talks the same, either -- it's in the giddily tranquilized tone and mischievously curious inflections. This, like Laura's VaGeenaisms, only makes me love Uli more. I really hope that Uli ends up eating one of the dresses she designs!
When Uli won the challenge, she said that immunity is the "biggest thing you can have." You sure about that, Uli? Is immunity bigger than a giant moth?
Is it bigger than a giant teddy bear?
5. Is Vincent happy or melting down? You decide:
I'm just glad that he cracks himself up as much as he cracks me up. Laugh at, laugh with, who's counting?
6. Contrary to popular belief, the quote of the week was not Robert's "Oh Laura, always mistaking taste and style." I know people are ga-ga over him, but his over-it librarian drawl really gets under my skin -- he makes me want to chomp down on some Nicorette.
No, in fact, the quote of the week was Bradley's "I think that they want to see versatility" because it exposes just how silly the judges are. Good luck finding versatility amongst all these bottoms!
(No, really: that's what they're saying about Michael.)
Runners up to the quote of the week included Heidi's "Yoo-hoo!" and, of course, Keith's "She's bad mommy! I had a good mommy. She's bad mommy."
I know this is what he was going for -- I'm just helping him on his way.
7. Did you notice the cuntchovy pizza Sweet Cheeks Garcia was serving up this week?
To ask an age-old question recently invoked by Fresh: who pissed in her cornflakes?
Not that I don't love it, mind you. I barely know what "S&M" stands for, but if she came at me with a bullwhip, it'd be sweet cheeks for the Sweet Cheeks.
8. This is what Heidi will look like when she's fired from this show, goes bankrupt and loses her home and her teeth:
And this is what she'll sound like after said ProjRun fallout, when she has to take a job as a phone-sex operator.
9. This was the only shot containing Hot Makeup Guy this week:
Damn you, Bravo!
10. So, let me get this straight: we not only have to watch Collier Strong every week, but we have to watch him say the same damn thing?
Damn you, your true match and your blending sponge, Bravo!
11. Meanwhile this week, we get to find out what, to hear Bravo tell it, my entire life has been leading up to.
Who's getting thrown off? I think nothing but speculative thoughts day in and day out. Damn you, Bravo, for making my life feel so insignificant!
Just kidding. I live for this shit gladly.