Are horses a fashion accessory?

Bye, Katherine. I'll miss your...um...well...

...piercing.

I can't feel too bad for Katherine. This is reality TV -- no mellow personality goes unpunished. But while I didn't think she had a prayer to go much further in the competition, I also didn't think there was anything wrong with her design.

It looked cute and simple to me! At least, it was better than Angela's.

The only thing redeeming about this sub-Tank Girl get-up was that it gave Heidi another change to show us her progress in her journey from supermodel to bomb-ass homegirl. Dayum!

And I actually favored Katherine's lunacy to Bradley's anal-explosive method of garment making.

I admit that I was happy to see things completely turning around for Bradley when the garment that everyone hated won him some of the biggest praise on the runway. What can I say, I'm a sucker for an underdog (har har...because dogs were prominently featured this...ep...i...whatever, shut up). But really, all I could think of was that his model would have looked better in a hollowed-out pumpkin.

Which is to say:

I wasn't crazy about Michael's, for once.

Though it kinda made me laugh because it reminded me of something Janet Jackson would wear -- you know how she likes to sling her tits, alternately pulling them apart and pushing them together. Who needs a bra when you have a pulley system?

Uli's, of course, won.

That was fine with me. I thought the back was really hot.

I know it's super premature to predict a winner, but I have to agree with Dan Renzi -- this is Uli's game to lose. I think her angle of pattern combinations is solid enough to make for a signature, but basic enough to give her plenty of room to adapt to virtually every challenge Heidi throws her way. But more on my little Björkiekins in a sec.

1. First, I want to talk about the splendor of Alison.

I didn't even get a good look at her design because there was too much of a glare coming off her -- the girl is a ray of sunshine in human form. She deserves her own category on Cute Overload. She was born to grace the distended stomach of a Care Bear.

This...

...was clearly falsified in post-production. Alison clearly wakes up to rainbows everyday:

Nothing but paradise for my girl. I loved when Laura was babbling about the challenge and Alison didn't stir until Laura said "horses":

"Horsies!?"

When they were stomping through Central Park...

...you know she was like, "Now, where did I park my unicorn?"

2. I liked the dog challenge. If nothing else, it's always fun to watch little animals beat themselves into the floor because someone fastened something to them that they aren't cool with.

Aw...they hate fashion. They think they're straight men.

And, you know, it was awesome to watch Laura squirm and get all bitchy about having to deal with something that she couldn't possibly invest "emotional energy" in.

Laura, they said you'll be working with dogs, not dog shit.

But really, how awesome was this?

And that dog loved her ass, too. You know, the harder you push away, the harder they come back.

So yeah, it's settled that I pretty much love Laura now, especially after receiving an email from one Zachary J. last week that asked, "Can we PLEASE talk about how laura is SUCH a VaGeena Davis?" and went on to support the case by citing "that red glamor, that low chortling voice, that 'I just lopped off my breasts to do some archery.'" Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant -- wish I'd observed it myself. As I have a soft spot for Geena, this endears Laura to me. Until, that is...

It's not going away. The non-cleavage is as big a presence as, say, Michael. I think I just have to get used to it.

Anyway, I really think that the results of this week's poll were just to thrust Laura's dog-hate back in her face.

It was a stupid poll anyway, as the true cutest dog wasn't even an option.

Fine, Angela's dog reminds me of Winston, yes. But look at the way she carries herself. There's something really down-to-earth about that stance. I like that in a dog.

Alternately, do you think Heidi should be exploiting her child at such a young age?

Kidding, kidding. Pattycake is way cuter than any kid.

(P.S. Does anyone know what kind of dog this is and will someone please buy me one?)

3. And speaking of Angela, guess what this is:

Why, it's the universal sign for Jubliee Jumbles, the place where a kid can be a kid and a bizarre fusion of over-and-dead '80s revivalism and will-anyone-care-again '90s riot-grrrl chic.

Oh, that Angela. She's so unusual.

4. Wait, what's this show called, again? Because I could swear that I tuned into the latest episode of The Whimsical World of Uli.

Seriously, every thought that she conveys is some fantastical, cartoonish parade of ideas. She is such a funky cool girl, like...eh!

Take when they walked through Central Park to what Uli figured would be a brunch buffet. Was she expecting a leprechaun-manned omelet bar to be part of that?

Or how about Uli's bond with her pug muse, Einstein.

"And if I would be a dog, I would be a dog like Einstein." I wonder if she decided that before or after she observed his behavior. She was all, "Well, I do snort a lot..."

And, let's not forget the story she told to accompany her design.

"I created an outfit for a young, hip girl, who is not afraid of color. She likes partying. Actually, she went to a party last night and she got up at 12:00 and now she's meeting with her fabulous girlfriends and they gonna go to lunch and then they gonna go shopping for more fabulous clothes." Brilliantly, her storytelling conveys the breathless, jet-setting lifestyle. Best thing about it, though, was Ivanka Trump's seemingly instant reaction: "I like your story. It just works for me."

She's all, "Who can't relate?!"

Plus, and I know I said this before and I'll keep saying it for as long as it goes on: Uli talks like Björk. I'm not just being a stupid American who thinks every foreign person talks the same, either -- it's in the giddily tranquilized tone and mischievously curious inflections. This, like Laura's VaGeenaisms, only makes me love Uli more. I really hope that Uli ends up eating one of the dresses she designs!

When Uli won the challenge, she said that immunity is the "biggest thing you can have." You sure about that, Uli? Is immunity bigger than a giant moth?

Is it bigger than a giant teddy bear?

Huh?

5. Is Vincent happy or melting down? You decide:

(Download)

I'm just glad that he cracks himself up as much as he cracks me up. Laugh at, laugh with, who's counting?

La da da.

6. Contrary to popular belief, the quote of the week was not Robert's "Oh Laura, always mistaking taste and style." I know people are ga-ga over him, but his over-it librarian drawl really gets under my skin -- he makes me want to chomp down on some Nicorette.

No, in fact, the quote of the week was Bradley's "I think that they want to see versatility" because it exposes just how silly the judges are. Good luck finding versatility amongst all these bottoms!

(No, really: that's what they're saying about Michael.)

Runners up to the quote of the week included Heidi's "Yoo-hoo!" and, of course, Keith's "She's bad mommy! I had a good mommy. She's bad mommy."

I know this is what he was going for -- I'm just helping him on his way.

7. Did you notice the cuntchovy pizza Sweet Cheeks Garcia was serving up this week?

To ask an age-old question recently invoked by Fresh: who pissed in her cornflakes?

Not that I don't love it, mind you. I barely know what "S&M" stands for, but if she came at me with a bullwhip, it'd be sweet cheeks for the Sweet Cheeks.

8. This is what Heidi will look like when she's fired from this show, goes bankrupt and loses her home and her teeth:

And this is what she'll sound like after said ProjRun fallout, when she has to take a job as a phone-sex operator.

9. This was the only shot containing Hot Makeup Guy this week:

Damn you, Bravo!

10. So, let me get this straight: we not only have to watch Collier Strong every week, but we have to watch him say the same damn thing?

Damn you, your true match and your blending sponge, Bravo!

11. Meanwhile this week, we get to find out what, to hear Bravo tell it, my entire life has been leading up to.

Who's getting thrown off? I think nothing but speculative thoughts day in and day out. Damn you, Bravo, for making my life feel so insignificant!

Just kidding. I live for this shit gladly.

Comments

[Fuzzball]

Angela's dog was a wee little Brussels Griffon, I do believe!

[BobbyWombat]

Oh How I love thee... This is hilarious I love the picture of Keith as a baby and Uli as Bjork.. HAHAHA

[Fred J. Dukes]

Rich, thanks for calling bullshit on Bradley's repulsive outfit. During the entire episode, they set Bradley up to fail hard. So it was a little too neat to see his story arc wrapped up with a little "redemption" in the form of overheated praise from the judges. Could Sweet Cheeks really have liked the dumpy pumpkin look, or did the producers lean on her to say something good?

[4ddiction]

LOL! Uli as Björk in human behavior mtv! Keith is an annoying baby! I liked the "HI LADIES" on Uli's dog outfit!

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

Laura's Pomeranian is the spit-and-image of my dog...and i tend to shove him off to the side as well. I don't know what it is with Poms (or half-poms, like mine) but they tend to plop down on whatever you're reading or writing, as if to say "bettering yourself is for fools! can't you see i'm fuzzy and adorable?! pay attention to me!"

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

oh, and Rich, i think that Winston-esque dog is a Brussels Griffon
http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/images14/brusselsgriffonDSCN1326.JPG

[Gretchen Weiners]

Thanks for making Mondays worth it. I've just ordered my very own Alison Bear. Uli's dress was to die for and I absolutely agree that it's her competition to lose. I want to know how Laura birthed 5 children, as it seems she hates most living things. She's still fabulously glamourous though.

[Brandy]

I second the Brussels Griffon, only because I have wanted one for a while now! I'd be lame and have to call him Sprout.

Rich you give my Monday mornings meaning!

Thanks!

[tia]

bah whatever. uli has been making the same dress so far.

[Talix18]

Damn you, Rich, for sucking me into another show with your fabulous recaps!! I really don't get why anyone thinks Bradley the Unabomber is cute but I do have to admit that I really liked the silhouette of the pumpkin-top outfit.

Now, as for who's getting tossed: it *has* to be Keith, who didn't even *make* an outfit for the dog, or Jeffrey, who is so freakin' superior. What I want to know is what rule got broken!

[aj]

I thought Bradley's outfit looked like a poor man's version of Daniel V's Inspiration design from last season. The one that looked like a orchid...

Brilliant as always Rich and you are so right about Angela's dog looking like Winston!

[Joe]

I LIKED little lesbo Katherine; girl knew how to work a brown shirt.

Uli has one dress.

Bradley's creation was a monstrosity, but I'd do him in a heartbeat.

Keith's dog is exactly the type of dog a big ol queeny fag would choose. I'm just sayin...

[Patrick]

Did anyone else see how pissed Allison was when it was announced that Uli won? I don't know how to take a screencap...

[.Chris.]

that was the funniest fucking recap ever.
Im so glad im not the only one who isnt Ga-Ga over the Barbie designing Queen and his butt buddy counterpart from the Pagaents. Christ.
Uli as Bjork? love it.

Did you notice how when laura thought it was about horses she had a fucking horse riding outfit ready to wear to central park? This cracked me up.

[Fuzzball]

OH I forgot to tell you guys: my little brother's girlfriend bought her prom dress from Kayne a few years ago and she said that he is AWFUL.

Hee hee

[winston for president]

Oh, yes, I noticed! Her reaction: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v206/themidnightsky/cap0012.jpg

I want Michael to win only because I am in love with him. And I liked his dress. Sniff. Kickass recap.

[it's_not_winter]

Is it a coincidence that every time someone talks (brilliantly, I might add) about ProjRunway that they never ever mention Bonnie? I seriously have watched every episode and paid excellent attention to all the snarky comments and ugly/fabulous fashion and seriously - Bonnie? I had to go to the website to remember the other character I was constantly forgetting. They could kick her off and I wouldn't even realize it.

[duane]

HOW is Angela still in this? Seriously??? And Bradley's design? Oh my god. Maybe I should audition next year!

As for who gets asked to leave; the suspense is killing me. I can't wait!

[Jackie]

another great quote from this week from Heidi: "It eez hard to judge when zere is no piece of fabreek on zee dog."

[ThePRGboys]

HILARIOUS, as usual! LOVE LOVE the "pumpkin" dress. Thanks.

[svrb]

i'm liking uli too, but i have this nagging feeling that she's this year's chloe. think about it: she's cute and entertaining but ultimately not too interesting, she knows women's bodies, and all her dresses look suspiciously similar. sound familiar?

i noticed alison's reaction to uli's win too, but i really think this is just something the producers are trying to play up in the editing. they did the same thing last week with uli when kayne won. it's like, "cut to reaction shot to make it seem like the first runner-up is pissed!" i honestly don't think alison has any bitchface in her.

i'm not feeling kayne or robert either. their designs are nice, but personally they are the kind of queens who irritate the hell out of me.

also: jubilee.

[Dan]

Paddy Cake is for sure a Brussels Griffon. Brillant post as ever.

[Toby]

Everyone's talking about Project Runway!

"Good luck finding versatility amongst all these bottoms!"
-Four Four

[johnny]

Uli like oxygen for breathe and potato chip make her face all GREASY! GREASY!

[Hateraid]

Where can I buy that CARE BEAR??????????