Well, aren't we spoiled? A mere four months have passed between ProjRun seasons. As last week's premiere crept up, I noticed a few articles wondering if it was too soon. Bitches, please. Is it ever too soon to watch Heidi do this?
It's not too soon, but not too late, either, to revisit some of our old favorites via the casting special. Before we get to the new guys, let's check in with...
Oh, Nick. So youthful, so effervescent, so gif-able.
Who could top him? Well, anyone really. But what I mean to say is that I doubt anyone in the new cast will be so animated. Literally!
"Every actress that I meet, every musician that I meet wants to be a client of mine," brags Santino. I guess he isn't a millionaire yet because so many run screaming in the other direction.
These where-are-they-now check-ups are only going to get more painful as the seasons pile up, right?
"We're still airin' the show. And I still watch myself everyday on the show," reports Chloe from her store in Houston. Don't go holding on to former glory or anything, Chlo.
Also, since we last left Chloe, she apparently celebrated her 70th birthday, if her assessment of urban culture is an indication.
"Young hip-hop guy. R&B. I would totally think you're doin' yo yo yo," she says about Michael. Well, I never! She sounds like someone whose cultural touchstone for hip-hop is DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.
I don't remember if this footage initially aired at the start of Season 1, but when Austin described his designing style ("Very classic...ly feminine, but at the same time..."), couldn't he have just as easily been describing his appearance, sigh and all?
...nice to see you, too.
At the end of last season, I admitted to a small crush on the always-radiant Nina Garcia. I've decided that it's the cheekbones that do it for me. Because of these, Nina will be called Sweet Cheeks Garcia in these parts, until she gives me a reason not to.
And no, eye rolling will not dissuade me.
But honestly, I had no idea how much I missed him till, about this dress...
...he busted out, "All right, so the slit's a little...I know what she had for lunch." Disgusting, nonsensical and brilliant, just as we've come to expect from the man.
I like Tim and all, but having his giant face scream, "Carry on!" at me every week in the show's intro is already testing my patience. That's like the way to ruin a catchphrase. Oooh, I just faced you Tim Gunn! Talk about a bitchslap!
Does Heidi "Big Old Boots" Klum, have a lazy eye?
Oh, and speaking of the opening sequence, I was really, really disappointed to find that she's saying "Fifteen contestants," instead of that "deeeeeeeeeeeee-signers" dolphin call that opened every episode last season. One less thing about Heidi to mock. No fair!
Oh well. For every door closed, another opens. Giggle, giggle.
Her laughter becomes music if you listen to it on a loop. Beautiful.
Before we get to the new contestants, here's a look at some of those who were clearly way too awesome to appear on this show. They aren't rejects, they're...exceptional.
"Literally, if you give me a sheep, I can give you a sweater," said this one. I wonder if she gives private shows?
Wow. Coryn from ANTM is back on TV and looking better than ever!
I call this one Lucy Braless.
Similarly, I call this one Lucy Balls.
Margureite Perrin sure is hard up for attention, isn't she?
And now, we move on to...
Though Tim Gunn disagreed, I thought it was really overachieving of Michael to bring samples he designed based on some challenges from last season.
Not that I'm judging his dubious sexuality. Yet.
Besides, who needs guessing games when you've got Robert around?
OK, Rocky Wearsboa.
Oh, and rounding out this happy and gay block...
"No wire hangers ever!!!" says Kayne. Why, what ever could he be referencing? Seriously, quotes from Mommie Dearest are the wire hangers of gay culture. NO MORE!!!!
I was kinda sad to see Stacey go, as she's a total MILF-WING ("...Were I Not Gay").
"I have my four C's of building a brand in the fashion industry. They're courage, creativity, cash and celebrity," she said during her audition. She forgot a fifth: can't sew.
Ooooh, that's uh, that's quite special.
I have no idea how things are going to pan out for Katherine, but I sense that she's a pain in the ass: "I'm a really light sleeper, so as long as you guys don't snore, I should be good to go wherever." Way to put an easy-going spin on your special request. "Oh yeah, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow. Other than that, I'm not picky at all!"
"I make clothes and accessories like women make babies," says Angela. I can't wait to watch her concieve and then pop one out every week. She needs stirrups like the other designers need shears.
Laura is clearly a force to be reckoned with. She has the right idea when it comes to her personal style: "I never dress down. I think that when you're 42-years-old and you have five children, it's a slippery slope into sweatpants and a Minivan." Amen, sister.
But notice I said idea because even though she's often well put-together...
...on! Going out of your way to show off cleavage that isn't there is like bragging about the Rolex you aren't wearing. Cover it up, Lady Boss. It'll only make you hotter.
Oh, Vincent. It's as if Fozzy the Bear and Woody Allen's superego have mated. Poor guy.
Poor model, too. Really, when a lampshade just won't do to convey how plastered you are, wear a basket.
How 'bout that Jeffrey? I, like I'm sure many of you, wondered what his neck tattoo (a new addition to his life, as it wasn't there during his audition) says. With the magic of technology, I was able to zoom in and clearly read what it says:
Well, he is rock and roll, after all.
No, but really, the tattoo says something in Italian or Spanish and something about Detroit.
I think Lita Ford suits him better, but what do I know?
(Not that her butt's that big or anything.)
Bonnie, Uli and Bradley seem...nice.
And finally, we reach the man who is clearly the most special person in the world. I hate to be predictable, but I'm feeling Malan.
Malan Breton from Taiwan, who eats flan as he twirls his baton. He makes me wanna buy a pair of reading glasses to wear while I'm perusing the Sunday Times and sipping General Foods International instant coffee drink.
Fake accents, however, are apparently smiled upon by Buddha.
When the issue of his accent came up as the judges were choosing the finalists, Michael Kors desribed Malan as a "wack-a-doo."
Wack-a-doo or Rock-a-Doodle? You decide.
I have to say that I'm not fully convinced that Malan isn't just a character being played by Tim Curry.
Also, he might be Superman.
Just a few more things about the premiere episode:
1. I looooove the sadism of this week's challenge, which basically forced the contestants to tear up their living spaces and then go back and sleep amongst the ruin.
Since their garments were made from these materials and since it was the first challenge, I'm not going to really use their designs as any indication of what they're capable of (though I thought the Top 3 of Keith, Robert and Laura made sense, give or take a Michael). However, the challenge did suggest the drama that awaits them when Bradley attempted to claim the pillow Robert had brought from home.
"That's my pillow!" lisped Robert in retrospect. It really was shitty of Bradley to take it -- without a pillow, Robert wouldn't have anything to bite down on later.
Anyway, I hope Heidi and company keep the sadism coming. "Our next challenge will involve constructing a garment...out of your competitors' flesh!" You know Robert would be all, "Dibs on foreskin!"
2. Thanks for the iPod offer, Bravo, but no thanks.
Um, I don't want to know in the middle of the episode that one of these three will go on to be eliminated! Are they going to do this every week? Am I going to have to bury my head in my biting pillow during the commercial breaks?
3. Did you notice that Heidi's using the Bravo logo as a talk bubble in some of the commercial spots?
4. And finally finally finally, guess who's back with a new haircut?
Hells yes, Hot Makeup Guy is looking, well, hot! Before I was treated to this split-second glimpse of him, I had the feeling this was going to be a good season. With him back in my life, I know it will be.