John Tucker must be kidding (or: What a 'mo, Pt. 2)

I mean, come on.

Is Jesse Metcalfe running for public office or something? Only that would explain the propaganda that John Tucker Must Die seems to be.

Hey, guess what, everyone? He likes girls!

Really...

...really likes them.

I know that the guy says he's straight. I know that he says he has a girlfriend (with the unlikely combination of dirty blonde hair and big tits -- with that refined taste, he's clearly a vagina connoisseur!). But I also know that you know someone who knows a guy who hooked up with him (we all do). Really, when I look at Jesse Metcalfe, I see homo, like when I look at Winston, I see cat or when I look at Tyra, I see monster.

None of this would matter if it weren't for the pummeling trailer for JTMD that I had to endure while watching last week's Project Runway. There's more protesting in those two minutes than in the past 30 years of John Travolta's career. You know, I hadn't even thought of Metcalfe's sexuality for months when I saw this shit proclaiming to me that he is STRAIGHT and really, really virile. I mean, he's the captain of the teeeeeaaaaammmmm.

That alone is proof, right?

I'm not calling for Jesse to come out and join my team on the field of gay. I don't really care about what he does with his penis and I certainly don't want to fuck his Ken-doll ass. No, this is about being lied to. I mean, how stupid do they think we are? Stupid enough, apparently, to believe that Ashanti is in high school.

This isn't some cast-Rachel-McAdams-at-26-to-play-a-17-year-old-because-people-will-only-have-a-fuzzy-idea-of-whom-she-is-if-any type shit. Note to casting: We know Ashanti. We've known her for a while. And, when we first met her properly four years ago, she was even then too old to be in high school.

Anyway, back to Metcalfe: GAY.

This shit, this wear-women's-clothing-because-I'm-so-at-ease-with-my-masculinity philosophy? Transparent. You can't fake me out and that shit clings to you way too well.

Locker-room, ass-slapping high jinks?

Also gay.

But maybe for the opposite reason -- the line between horseplay and foreplay is never finer than in the locker room. Hyper-masculinity is just as red-flag raising as faux-femininity.

And finally:

That's ridiculous. That's like, "I'm so gay, that even though I'm making this movie to show the world that I'm not, I can't resist sucking on extended, fleshy appendages pushed into my mouth."

Wanna see something really dirty?

And all this in two minutes! See, and now I feel like I need to see this movie. Hooray for advertising!

Comments

[Tootie]

Thank you! I keep seeing those damn trailers and thinking, this cast is older than the cast of 90210-now, not then! Anyone who goes to see this should be ashamed of themselves, or special needs.

[karsh]

Please, for the love of God, tell me there'll be a part 3 with Lance Bass. Don't you just love it when the jokes write themselves?

[Gayest Neil]

Forget Lance Bass. Put Joey Fat-One in panties any day!

[Hope]

I don't care if he's gay or not. I just don't want to have to see his smarmy face anymore when I'm walking Project Runway.

I saw him naked once, at the Equinox in West Hollywood. It was pretty fucking cool, if you're into that sort of (Ken doll) thing, which I definitely am. He's packing some heat and the body is magnificent.

Nonetheless, I hate the fucker because he's sooooooo lispingly gay and yet lies about it. He was even more obvious on "Passions" (best soap EVAR) back in the day.

[Wendy]

OH, GOD! Please, will you give us your take on the Lance Bass sitch? I know you will give it some humor and...wait...didn't we already know he was gay? Funniest thing just occurred to me: Lance Bass is a bass. Bass = bottom of the register. So...Lance Bass = Bottom.

[Rich]

OK -- my take on Lance is too concise to warrant a post. Basically, I'm shocked that he likes dudes. He always struck me as a lesbian.

[brandy]

I'm so confused by the finger sucking loop am I turned on or grossed out?(finger sucking freaks me out a bit...we won't even mention toes.)

I just wanted to say that I don't know a single straight guy who waxes and grooms their eyebrows like that..just saying.

[sarai]

hey anonymous, you saw him naked? please describe, all the greeks iv been with are uncut! :)

[Boycott Perez]

Although I'm curious to know what you think about the Lance Bass admission, I'm much more interested in what you think about Perez Hilton's cruel outing of him. I know bloggers don't like to rag on Perez for some reason, but you're smarter than the rest and I respect your POV.
Personally, I thought it was horribly mean spirited. It was nothing but gay bashing in my mind, and the fact that Perez is gay makes it so much more appalling. He has no political (as in actual politics) agenda like an 80's Act UP, so there's so philosophical justification for this. He's just using it for press opps.

[Stroll]

He's pretty.

[inothernews]

It is interesting to note the first image that shows up on a google search for John Tucker:
http://nmhm.washingtondc.museum/exhibits/nationswounds/imgs/tucker_lg.jpg

I was trying to find a link for the movie poster, which you can see on http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455967/

Both back up your argument soundly, Rich.

[Rich]

I don't know if I could really comment on Perez's outing under what I just posted and not seem terribly hypocritical. But I will say that opportunism is the de facto rule at perezhilton.com.

[pink elephants and lemonade]

(note: feel free to replace all the "he" pronouns in this comment with "she." reads just the same.)

i don't really see your argument here. i mean, yeah, it's common knowledge that jesse likes to smoke the meat pole, but that's because it's factual...he used to, if not still currently, dated/s the editor in chief of Genre magazine. but simply cuz he's playing a gayish-looking lothario who all high school girls go gaga for? the role seems reasonable to me, as it's not so far from reality. i know plenty of high school girls who have his pic in their locker, not to mention numerous adult females who fantasize about sitting on his face (and no, not to suffocate him to death). i don't think jesse's making this movie to prove that he's straight; he's making it for a paycheck and because he knows that it's what his fans want to see him in...besides gay porn, of course. i applaud him for not being delusional and thinking he's all ms. serious actress, unlike his DH co-star Eva Longoria.

[Boycott Perez]

You're not really outing Jesse Metcalf here. The difference between what you're doing and what Perez did is that he was ouright cruel and sadistic about it. AND he appears on TV, writes for tabloids, has a reality show and has an enormous audience. He's abusing power.

You're being silly and you do something totally different from what Perez does. And bottom line, you have a heart.

So dis the bitch! I really wish he would disappear.

["Straight" from Hollywood]

Thank you for this, I knew him during his Passions days and always I thought he was. And cheesy. Also super gay is the kid playing Kyle XY. Wouldn't care, but I've read two articles in the last week about his "girlfriend". Ugh. Some things never change.

[rod]

Like, why do you watch commercials? I think that you have DVR, don't you?

[Patricia]

Sadly enough, I actually want to see this movie.

Yes, I do feel ashamed.

[Jennifer]

Ya'll are making me feel all dirty with this Perez talk. Fourfour is so NOT that other website. No comparison. Never should've been. Now I'm having these awful visions of the comments section on this site being 3 pages of First! First! and little spots of semen next to Tyra and Heidi's faces. But I agree with the orig point that Perez was dead wrong for all that mess.

[me]

When i saw the trailer, I thought they were all in college?

[chad]

Metcalfe totally protesting too much...but bout the Lance thing, dont you think that maybe just MAYBE lance planted the story to "coincidentally" break before he plays a gay character in a sitcom?? It's way too convenient.

[Rich]

I considered the college thing, but if you check that Myspace link (the movie's official site, stupidly enough), it lists Tucker's age as 17.

I was thinking that about Lance. Also, it's convenient that this is coming out as his former groupmate JT is back in full public view. But ultimately: good for him.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

you know that scene in the ad, at the very end, when Ashanti says "hasta la vista" and does that fingersnap thing? Okay, that is just slightly preferable to the sound a fork makes when it's run over a plate. I actually jump for the remote when the ad comes on....anyways, topic-- yes, Metcalfe's eyebrows do all the work for us on this one.

[Dave Roz]

Yeah, he's a homo.... Perez Hilton has pointed that out about a thousand times already.

But damn that boy is good lookin'.

[Dave Roz]

Here is the real question... Is James Franco really a homo? I've been reading a LOT about this fact lately.