Boo hoo, Malan's gone. Today I cry for future ridicule that will never come to pass. Gone too soon, gone too soon.
Project Runway, unlike some other show, took the high road in this case and didn't keep around someone just for drama (somewhere in New York, Jade is eating her ProjRun application). While I respect the show for that, I also kind of hate it for that. I like the drama, damn it! (And this is to say nothing about Angela's admitted sketching inability -- seriously, how'd she get on this show if she "doesn't sketch?")
And while Malan's closing speech tugged at the heartstrings ("For a moment I felt like I'm a part of something and now it's over," got me, I admit), let's not forget that it was delivered with a fake fucking accent! Doesn't that immediately disqualify him as a reliable source?
Theatrical illusion, indeed. Stop wasting your Kleenex.
I thought the designs this week were...whatever. I mean, it was a pageant-gown competition, and so if I'm clueless about fashion, I'm doubly clueless about pageant fashion. It's like encountering Martians who speak Spanish. No hablo pues hablemos de muchachitas.
Besides, the guy who designed pageant dresses (spoiler -- and this one will come as a shock), won the pageant-dress designing challenge. I mean, can you imagine?
Anyway, I will say that I thought that Laura design and Michael's execution kicked ass.
Michael continues to be underrated. I hope that's just editing to throw us off. I really hope it's not because he's black.
1. How wonderful was it to see Angela and Vincent tangled in their web of nonsense?
The sadist in me was hoping that Vincent would not be voted off, as his meltdown must continue to unfurl in order to fulfill me. The Bill Medley/Jennifer Warnes fan in me was hoping that he would go, so that I could call this recap "(I've Had) The Nightmare of My Life."
Did you see how Vincent's fellow contestants struggled to contain themselves when he said that?
Katherine, especially. Maybe she's cool, after all.
Anyway, the Angela-Vincent partnership was clearly doomed, mostly because she's her and he's him, but also because he didn't even know who she was! And then it was all...
...cackling through the pain...
...and, "Oopsie!" (Because that's never happened before. I'd wager that he forgets his own name on a regular basis.)
Also (and this is not to defend
AlisonAngela directly, but to point out what she had to deal with), I love Vincent's vow not to be flustered by AlisonAngela. He doesn't seem the type to get flustered over anything!
Riiiight. That's like saying, "You're making me brunette."
Also: what the hell?
And finally, while Vincent did everything he said he didn't want to,
AlisonAngela responded to the situation by pissing herself.
I woulda done the same.
2. Speaking of teams...
...the gay joke really writes itself, doesn't it? I really have to restrain myself from commenting, lest I throw out some material for Shirley Phelps-Roper to cop.
Y'know, they're just two dudes, hangin' out, havin' fun, workin' with rhinestones. I hope that in their sewing kit was a double-ended...scissor.
Hm. Can I push stop, instead?
G-g-g-gaying aside, I would have picked Robert, too, if I were Kayne. Not
Wrong approach, sister. There's no pulling anything out of his hole.
Oh, but this?
"I probably would have chosen [
Alison]Angela, had she not bothered me during her sketching time."
Also, when I saw Kayne's hair at judging...
...it might have been the light or the way it was that day, or maybe I just never noticed before, but he is straight-up Johnny Rotten.
3. Oh, and speaking of lies...
You know, if Malan's first sob story of the episode was true, it really sucks that he grew up in an unsupportive environment. But, again: fake accents do nothing for credibility. All I could imagine while he was going on was some soot-faced Dickensian scene.
4. It's gettin', it's gettin', it's gettin' kinda...inappropriate.
I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, but taken out of context, it's...questionable.
Also, I have no idea what
AlisonAngela has done with her tampons and/or tampons to offend people. I don't know if she's made any threats to dine on any testicles during her short time on this show. From what we've seen, though, Jeffrey's branding of her as a "feminazi" seems really wrong.
I mean, do you want to sound like Rush Limbaugh? (Or, really, he could just be getting all self-aware on us by referencing the show he's on.)
Although, in the face of all this, I have to note that Laura's judging outfit was entirely appropriate...
5. Did ya see the pair Miss U.S.A. was rocking?
Check 'em: fantastic eyebrows, right?
When she trotted out, I was a little disappointed. Why didn't they go with Mrs. Russia or even Mrs. Costa Rica, I wondered.
But Miss U.S.A. proved to be a nice addition to the show, especially at judging, when she sounded like Anna Nicole, but looked like Malibu Stacey's creator.
I knew Miss U.S.A. was after my heart when she called Kayne a "pageant freak."
Ha! She called him a freak!
Also, she is wise. Laura, take note.
6. But what the hell was up with Keith's touchy-feely thing with her?
I mean, that's crossing the line, right? And see, here's where knowing the contestants' sexuality helps greatly. Because it's really hard to understand his motivation here.
And here. Is he a pervert or not? I mean, he's obviously trying to charm her with flirtation, but I wonder if he likes it. Also, if in fact he's, ya know, gay, I wonder if he believes that she believes that he's really attracted to her. I guess we wouldn't know that anyway, though.
Basically, I'm just nosy.
7. Uli reminds me of Björk...
...especially when she talks. And when she's all...
..."Hear that? It's music. Everything is music!"
"This sewing machine is music!"
Doesn't Sweet Cheeks Garcia look hot all tussled like? When she said, "That dress was perfectly beautiful," I wished that I were on the panel so that I could respond. "You're perfectly beautiful."
9. And speaking of perfectly beautiful...
"I have this wonderful muffin recipe here somewhere..."
This is what it sounds like when models commiserate.
12. And this is what it sounds like when Heidi says, "Whoa!"
The face of compassion.
Seriously, if someone said shit like that to me, it'd ring in my head for the rest of my life. This would only be the beginning.