...Zzer!

Do you think Justin Timberlake's nose is covered because his new single stinks so much?

To be fair, he would have had to pull out a miracle ("Cry Me a River, Pt. 2," perhaps) to impress me. I don't like the guy, I never thought he or 'N Sync were hip or wacky or soulful or whatever else they tried to tell us they were. Still, I never would have dreamed that I could hate something as much as "Sexyback." Of course, part of it is Timbaland's fault, as he proves once again that you feel his misses so much more than his hits these days. Seriously, this song is like four sonic ideas splattered on a track, Pollock-style. But most of the blame falls on Justin, whose vocals go from what feels like a rapper parody to a crooner parody, both blasted through a megaphone. Knowing his deep seriousness about hip-hop (he can beatbox, yo!), I'm guessing that he's only half aware of how stupid he sounds ("It's mad goofy...werd!"). But really, unless he's making some sort of a statement about garbage ("See kids, not so fun after all, is it?"), I think he's just trying to sound cool. And he fails, both in affect and effect.

And that, I think, is my major problem with Timberlake -- I typically don't buy what he's selling because he pushes it too hard. He puts such an effort into emoting or, like here, copping a swagger, that it's always like he's playing some character in a sketch. As R&B is his primary template, I think we can chalk this up to the fact that he's white. No, I'm not saying that he's naturally inferior as a non-black R&B singer, but I do think that his awareness of his whiteness makes him feel like he has something to prove (i.e. this is a social problem, not a biological one). I guess what I'm getting at is that Timberlake has a version of double consciousness that makes it difficult to tell the truth, as it were, in his music. (And yeah, I know we're talking about pop music, which is necessarily false, but the ultimate goal of the soul singer is to make the cliché believable.) Or maybe more simply, he just worries that people won't think he's cool. I don't even know if I'd consider Timberlake a poseur, because as someone who's been in the spotlight since before he had pubes (much less chin pubes), he really can't be expected to have formed an identity to rebel against in the first place. Poor guy.

But also: poor me because I have to listen to his tripe about "bringing sexy back." Bullshit, and please JT, don't try to tell people about how they act. As anyone who's ever trolled online for sex can attest, those who call themselves sexy almost never are. Justin's a VGL boi for an LTR with No. 1, at best.

Robin Thicke is the anti-Justin -- on his second album, The Evolution of Robin Thicke, he's cool and calm to the point of lulling. It's refreshing to hear someone (anyone!) singing R&B and not overdoing it, and it's pretty astounding that that person is a white a white boy with a shitload to prove (hellooooooo, he's Alan Thicke's son). Thicke's restraint has done him little good, though -- if Evolution does drop when it currently is supposed to (Sept. 12), it will come well over a year after the first single, "Wanna Love You Girl" hit airwaves. The album's been delayed at least four times at this point, and Universal has attempted to push "Wanna Love You Girl" about three times (with its initial release last summer, the video that came out in the fall and the remix with Busta Rhymes that received promotion in the spring). It's a shame, really, because if you skip past the treacly piano ballads, Evolution is a very good album, understated as it should be and bizarre enough to keep moving (the chorus of "High School Man" is this psychedelic, repeated call of "I'm a haaaaater..."). Of course, this makes it completely unmarketable. I wonder if they'll shift things around, maybe record more commercial tracks for the album. It'll be a shame if the Prince-lite "Threesome" doesn't make the final cut (who knows what will?) -- this track shows that even when Thicke is at his most caterwauling, peacocking that falsetto, he still doesn't lose his cool.

A tie that bands Timberlake and Thicke is Pharrell, who's produced for both. Talk about album delays -- Pharrell's In My Mind attempted to launch with no fewer than three singles (the obnoxious "Can I Have It Like That" with Gwen Stefani, the cats-in-heat soul of "Angel" and the nice-'n-tepid MJ throwback "Number One" with Kanye). No one cares, and no one's going to care, as getting through In My Mind is a total chore. Pharrell is a spotty producer, but he's consistently off the mark through the course of Mind. Good ideas abound, but you get maybe one per threadbare song -- it's like he had four really great tracks, took layers from each to scatter throughout the album and patched up holes with beige and bland sound caulk. His subject matter is laughable as he alternates a tough-guy routine ("My dick is being sucked by a bitch named, what now?") with a man-of-God routine (he has the nerve to tell Jesus, "I'm trying to teach the kids there's more than meets the eye," between plugs for Ice Creams).

Also, and most annoyingly, he says "Yezzir!" 21 times (by my unofficial count) over the course of the album's 64 minutes. It might not sound like a lot, but it is: see for yourself via this MP3 of every single "Yezzir" back-to-back-to-back.

Listen.

That 1:31 file is probably all you need to know about In My Mind.

Diva round-up:

"Torn" by LeToya (Luckett, not Jackson) has won me over, thanks mostly to the remix (damn Jermaine Dupri and his fucking 808 eighths!). I was way too harsh on her before. The girl may have nothing to say, but she can sing and a good pop song is a good pop song. I don't know what got into me . . . Based on some musings on message boards, I'm starting to think that Jermaine is mounting Janet's comeback like Mariah's -- "Call On Me" isn't "We Belong Together," but "It's Like That," inverted. Let me explain: "Call On Me" is a low-key, mid-tempo track on the unlikely ballad side (unlikely not because Janet's never sung a ballad before, but as a comeback track, you'd expect her dancey expertise); "It's Like That" was a low-key, mid-tempo track on the unlikely banger side (unlikely because even though most of Mariah's first singles have been uptempos, again, this is a comeback and you'd expect all involve to be playing to her strength). "It's Like That" was a moderate hit that allowed a fallen star to slowly trickle back into public consciousness, which is sort of what "Call On Me" is doing. In order to complete this, however, Jan's next single needs to be an uptempo that ranks amongst her best, the "We Belong Together" of dance tracks. If everything falls into place, great. But something tells me I'm just thinking wishfully . . . I'm really liking the version of "Erotica" that Madonna's been doing on the Confessions tour. (Ed Gonzalez's review of one of her New York shows gave me the idea to track it down.) It mixes the finished "Erotica" with the "You Thrill Me" early-draft version of the song and it's the sleekest thing Stuart Price has produced in years. Liking this so much, though, made me second-guess myself for what wasn't the first time. What if all of my ire was just me not facing the fact that I'm smitten with Madonna, like how some homophobes are actually really big fags? I've concluded that that's not the case (really, I assure you), but wouldn't that be funny?

I wanted to dedicate a post to this, but that's never gonna happen, so right here, right now, I want to profess my love for Tommie Sunshine. His track with Marc Romboy, "Body Jack" (which you can hear on my Spotting Trains, Pushing Buttons mix) is a brilliant capsule of the retroism and precise nonsense that dominates dance-music culture (and really, pop culture in general) today. Also, his disc of Systematic Sessions Volume 2 is the best mix I've heard this year (Marc Romboy handles the other disc and his mix great, as well). So many mixes mince around with precious clicks and this limp-wristed sense of minimalism. Not that there's anything wrong with limp wrists, but they make for funny dancing. Tommie's mix, however, powerfucks you over and over again, in several positions and it never has less than a blast in doing so (the Hacker's A.N.D. N.O.W. is similarly caustic and wonderful). I love that Tommie Sunhine didn't just overcome electroclash, he gradually built up a pace in its fall-out so that now, five years later, he's just hitting his stride. Here is his amazing reworking of "Body Jack," which puts the song in the old-school Chicago context its lyrics invoke. I want to live in the house that Tommie builds.

The Brand New Heavies have reunited with their best (and, really, definitive) vocalist, N'dea Davenport, to release a new album (Get Used To It). Don't everybody yawn at once. No, the album isn't bad -- sorta bland in their "We're still live, dammit!" way, but it's nice enough and N'dea really is a powerhouse. She is so much so that the band's biggest hit in the U.S., 1991's "Never Stop," is the throwback of the week. This song is like sunshine in your ears. It technically has nothing to do with summer, lyrically, but I can't imagine mine without it.

Comments

[jesca]

Thankyou.
Thankyou thankyou.

Someone who hates Sexyback as much as I do. I don't understand how all these seemingly competent people are gushing all over it.

[Hateraid]

SexyBack is annoying but it will definitely be a huge hit for Mr. Timberlake.

Now on to good music...LOVE Never Stop by The Brand New Heavies. A 90's classic...

"what you're feeling, I am feeling too...."

Love ya Rich

[Ben]

So I'm not even remotely as knowledgeable about R&B/Hip-Hop as you are, but I couldn't agree more with your observations about Justin/Timbaland/Pharrell.

I like most of what Timbaland did for Nelly's album (and I'm a long-time fan of hers). True, there are a few clunkers. But I think SexyBack is a big clunker, and that has come after trying desperately to like it. Desperately. Thinking "Oh, I'm sure I'll get drunk at a bar and LOVE it." I probably will, but it's no fun sober. It's almost too lo-fi, too campy, and is devoid of any melody whatsoever. And Justin's voice is pretty intolerable.

I've never gotten the hype over Pharrell. Maybe because I find him totally aggravating as a celebrity (ZOMGZ! I DESIGNED GLASSES FOR LOUIS VUITTON! LOOK AT MY ICE!1111!11). But at this point, all his shit sounds the same, it's all totally masturbatory (again, ZOMG! LV GLASSES!) and the mixing of styles is so self-conscious (ZOMG! I'M MIXING STYLES, YO!) that it's hard to take it seriously. Some subtlety would be nice every now and then.

There's my uninformed opinion.

[summer]

well, i haven't heard JT's single (no sample for us, rich?) so i can't comment on it. however, i eagerly await it. i'm a justin fan. i, and many of my black girlfriends, found him to be a sexy lil white boy -- post nsync days. and he could mos def get it. yes, he tried really hard to be 'down', but was he trying 'too hard' to the point of annoyance? nah, since he was cute it was more like, "come here boy, you so cute, tryna be down." however, there is the possibility that that could get old, and the cuteness wear off. remains to be seen.

as for that torn remix, okay, okay, i see you j.d. whitcho 808s. and i'm likin it. very much.

pharrell? eh. inconsistent is a good adjective for him. he's usually hit or miss. hits - beautiful w/snoop, and frontin. miss - errything else! haha

[jezebelly]

Okay, I love you.
A producer friend asked me what I thought of "Sexyback." I paused for a long time, and finally said, "I danced." In retrospect, I realize that I had to force myself to.

But, yeah. BNH w/ N'dea? I nearly wet myself when I heard. One of the best shows I've ever seen TO THIS DAY is Brand New Heavies with her at the Marquee in NYC. the room held about 400, and it was PACKED and sweltering. She wailed until her hair hung down like tentacles from her head.

Supposedly the new album is being distributed by Starbucks (!) Eeeeeee! I've heard clips of it and was underwhelmed, but I'd rather spend time learning to love it than time with JT (especially since I won't be able to avoid him once the album drops).

[Laya]

I've been wondering when the Robin Thicke album was coming out. I bought the first one on a lark, really liked about 2/3 of it and pretty much hated the rest. That one was hard to market too, especially since back then he was rockin' the hippie long hair and beard, and because the video for "When I Get You Alone" was all of him bike messaging in NYC, which was really cool but not excactly MTV/teenybopper friendly.

As for Pharrell - I want to like him *so* much. But for every "She Wants To Move" there's a "Backseat Love". He seems to produce much better for others than he does for himself, since right now "Mr. Me Too" is my shit.

[Toby]

La Toya Jackson is looking great!

[sean]

No - it's because he's a coke head.

[Ceece]

ummm...am i the only one who likes it? ;-)

[Nick]

God, we seriously had parallel childhoods and adolescences. I mean, really? Brand New Heavies?

Girl, also you need to check out all the YouTube videos of En Vogue on Live at the Apollo from their Born to Sing days. That crowd is gagging, it's so good.

[brandy]

I haven't even bothered to listen to the new Justin the song title puts me off enough..although if he was singing about someone with a sexy back or how to get a sexy back then maybe Id give it a go.
I also find the bandana fudora combo a little too Micheal Jackson for my liking.

I love your music posts.

[MJQ]

That first Brand New Heavies album - I haven't listened to it in so long but can almost remember every heavenly note. "Stay This Way" is exactly how I feel right now. I'm going to listen to it all afternoon now.

[Gayest Neil]

I'm sorry and I'm giving mad love, but until we get a song by song analysis of the clueless genius which is the one the only K-Fed. Well, I'm sorry, but no other white boi rapperz gonna be able to reprezent, in my opinion. ;)

[Coy]

JT/Sexyback = No
Thicke = Yes, please.
Pharrell = Confused

[Carly]

"What if all of my ire was just me not facing the fact that I'm smitten with Madonna, like how some homophobes are actually really big fags?"

Hello, didn't I already argue this fact with you? That said, welcome to the dark side. ;)

[Bored Girl]

Ahh...I dunno Rich...I gotta disagree here. While I am no fan of JT's new song, I DID dance to it down in OC (Maryland, not NJ) the other weekend and the crowd was going off. It's a decent summer-at-the-cheesey-club song, no real staying power though. I'm not judging him just yet.

And JT's last album was f'ing great, I'm sorry. I don't know anyone IRL, of any ethnicity, that didn't like the singles from that album. Well except for my brother who hates all music that's not acid jazz trance stuff. JT made some solid pop/R&B songs in 2002-3, whether he can repeat that remains to be seen. And he was SO cute, pre-Cameron Diaz.

Thicke, I want to like him. He's HOT as hell. But his songs, ehh, boring. They never go anywhere, feels like the same lyric looping over and over in a weird monotone.

I miss the Pharrell of "Frontin", THAT was a summer jam right there. God, I loved that one.

[Brandon]

Justin's been my husband since 1999, and I love his SexyBack.

[lovah]

...Pollock, dear!

[Rich]

Christ. Thank you.

[11]

I agree with so much of this post that I won't take time repeating what you said. I just want you to know that I love you. And if I could, I'd have all your babies. ALL of them.

[Foxy]

The new JT track sounds like the old JC Chasez stuff. Especially the tracks he did with Basement Jaxx.

Robin Thicke, or Thicke, or whatever he is these days: much like Nikka Costa, he's all over the place but has some decent shit.

That Letoya remix is whack. I prefer the original.

Pharrel has produced some hot shit, but his solo stuff just doesn't work.

[Jude]

What is JT supposed to be in that first picture, a natty ninja? WTF?

You know that one of the fake tattoos he sports in that movie where he's supposed to be a badass is Chinese for "ice skating," right? Good prank from the fake tattoo artist who did that one.

[August]

Oh! Thanks for the Madonna track. ;-)

[eliot]

Justin had better watch his own "sexyback" (I know, not the right context) if and when the music industry finally pays some attention to sweet, sweet Robin.

Although is there really ever justice?

[Grownnsxc]

As my mom would say, "A, Number 1, B, 2.."
That's her fucked up way of organizing what she's about to say...
A: Did not relate Robin Thicke to Alan Thicke...just brought down his cool points to like -10. And I am not to impressed by Robin.
Number 1: Sexyback is my shit. I fucks with JT extra hard.
B: Pharell's CD's are never really good. It's like he tries wayyy to hard to top the beats he makes for everyone else. Be eclectic but don't over do it.
2: I really like Toya, but I don't think her album is going to make waves. But I am glad she got some revenge on that "Beouncy" chick.