Some stuff about some...stuff

I think it's too hot for me to think too much. Or at least, that's what I'm blaming this week's (creative? critical?) blockage on. Anyway, below are some passing observations from the past few days. Don't expect too much.

• I think this could be my favorite three seconds in ANTM history (looped a few times to make a good thing better):

It's Cycle 3's Kelle fighting to look at herself in the mirror, after the judges' criticism practically hollowed out her psyche. Minutes after this, she turned the page and came to terms with her appearance. "I was in denial about my snout and now I know," is the quote.

This comes from Episode 5 of Cycle 3, which I believe is the best episode of the show to ever air, period. Among things it featured were:

Janice's boobs squeezed into a bathing suit so that they resembled those shiny, Chinese pork buns.

Tocarra amongst food.

A challenge at La Perla, which led to Amanda jumping into this weird smooshed-bodybuilder freeze-frame.

Tyra getting all Jesus and guiding her flock.

Tyra getting all Paula and acting totally loopy at judging. I'm not saying she was high, but she was somethin'. It think, maybe, she was sleep deprived and you know, someone affected by a lack of sleep is just as entertaining as someone affected by a medicine-cabinet full of drugs. Same outcome, really.  (Case and point is Mariah's pre-breakdown breakdown in the summer of '01 in the parking lot of a Jersey FYE. It's one of the most entertaining moments of her entire career.)

Ah, the good old days. I miss Tyra, but more importantly, I'm scared for the future, what with the writers' strike. Get a good picture of what the ANTM writers are taking a stand against via this interview with a guy who used to write for Television Without Pity and moved on to writing for ANTM.

• If you were married to T.I., this is what you'd wake up to:

That'd be enough to turn me into a morning person. (No further comments on ATL, however. This is the best part. Really.)

• A new Monica song, "Sideline Ho" has leaked (purposely, I suppose as AOL is streaming it). I don't know why this isn't the first single off her forthcoming The Making of Me album, because it's pretty much the best thing I've ever heard in my entire life. The foundation is just beat-heavy, MOR, generic R&B -- the track relies on Monica and she's more than up to the task of greatness. She coins a phrase (at least, it isn't up at Urban Dictionary yet), defines a concept ("If you don't make his breakfast, you's a sideline ho") and ultimately is hilarious. I know, I know: me falling in love with a sassy-black-girl anthem? Imagine that! But still! "Ho...ho...sideline ho / You's a ho, you's a ho, sideline ho," is simply the funniest, most blunt couple of opening lines in such a slow jam since Erykah bleated, "I'm gettin' tired of yo shit / You don't never buy me nothin'" in "Tyrone" ("He might be doin' you, but he's thinkin' about me," from Mokenstef's "He's Mine" also springs to mine as one of those amazing openers). "Sideline Ho" is a classic upon arrival.
• And Escort's "Starlight" is classic upon revival. No fewer than nine people helped construct this boogie throwback, which Michael Gill describes as "great nearly to the point of suspicion" (big, sloppy ups to Michael for turning me onto this -- when Gill tells you to listen to something, it is invariably in your best interest to do so). The only thing that suggests that this is current and not from '82 is the sound quality, and so "Starlight" really is the best of both worlds to hear boogie so crisp (the keyboard's wiggling tickles your ears). Forget "Promiscuous," this is my summer jam (pay special attention to edit by unassuming heartthrob Darshan Jesrani, one half of Metro Area). Listen to it even if you've ever had the slightest inkling that you might like disco.
• Mariah (or you know, whoever) has reupholstered "Dreamlover" with the beat of Biggie's "Juicy" (or, maybe more accurately, Mtume's "Juicy Fruit") for her current tour. Brilliant.
• On Rick Ross' "Pots and Pans," guest J Rock sounds like a really low-rent Andre 3000, which is to say he's a ringer for Chappelle's Sir Smoke-A-Lot character in Half Baked. This song sounds like a parody of baking-soda rap, but it is in fact, just plain baking-soda rap. Still, I think I might love Ross' album, Port of Miami, and I think I might hate myself for that (more TK on this, maybe).
• I don't want to come off as braggy, but I also really want to share this: my first post on The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency is quoted in a new round of promos airing on Oxygen.

(Thanks to Ian and Koa for the heads-up on this.)

I love that they pulled that of all quotes. I know it's lame for me to be excited enough about this to post it, but, uh, there you go.

Comments

[david]

That MONICA song is killing me; i DL'ed it yesterday. Between that and SOON AS THE BEAT DROPS i might have my album of the year.

[Eeek!]

I wonder if Janice has ever read your blog? Now THAT would be cool.

[Carly]

Okay, that fucking rocks. You need to come out here so we can go ambush her modeling agency.

[Saun]

Don't be ashamed, I think I might Rick Ross too. I don't like Pots & Pans but I'm liking the other leaks I've heard so far. I think I just like his country-ass voice. "It's Raaaawwwssss".

Congrats on your quote on Oxygen. That kicks ass!

[Toby]

It's true - I talk about Janice all the time!

[Eric]

Awesome! While I may have been compulsively checking in for a comment on ProjRun, I am pleasantly surprised to catch the tip off on Monica’s (def) hot song, plus an E.Badu video link! and I'm satisfied.

Congrats on the media/quote/Janis exposure. Too bad I don’t get Oxygen… or WE… fucking Comcast.

[Koa]

now I think she owes you a spot on the show. it's only fair =]

[xnowhereboyx]

Awesome about your quote being used in the promo spot. Now just promise us you won't get all big-headed and turn into Perez Hilton and make every single fourfour entry about how ANTM or Project Runway or Winston's superior bone structure relates to YOU and only YOU. And now I can name drop you in conversation.

[toonsNtunes]

that Escort song if shithot. It's like if the best of disco was recorded with today's sound technology... i must get this

and I totally feel you on it being too hot to think and be creative... and waking up next to TI

take care

[shana]

do not be ashamed of your excitement -- you're fucking hilarious and i think you deserve to be quoted on oxygen, bravo AND upn -- in fact, you should be considered the foremost expert on all the shows you recap. . .i don't even know you and i love you.

[Tamara]

That is my absoulte favorite ANTM moment as well! Whenever I'm trying to explain my obsession with the show I mimic the Kelle crying incident...people now think I'm a terrible person but whatevs.

[sean]

Janice makes ridiculous fun.

[brandy]

You know Janice googled that herself!

And Im never going to be able to eat those buns again.

[Eric]

I'd almost forgotten how fantastic "Tyrone" was.

No, just kidding. I'll never forget it.

[inothernews]

I agree with the commenter that you should get a guest spot on the show...guest judge? awesome!

[Patricia]

Congratulations! It really is awesome that they quoted you. You're movin' up into the bigtime!

[aubyn]

You are not lame for being excited about your quote airing-I sent everyone the ANTM blog where you quoted me so I totally understand.

[Gayest Neil]

Congrats Rich!

[Claire]

No, it's great you were quoted on Oxygen! I see a book and/or development deal in your near future. I'm an editor myself, but unfortunately in pharmaceutical advertising, so I'm not any help ... I don't even get free drugs. xxoo Claire

[mariaaaaa]

I can't keep up with you kids... what is baking soda rap? I picture the Dave Chappelle crack addict character with the ashy lips when I hear "baking soda" but somethin' tells me that ain't it.

Congrats on the quote! You deserve it and like all of your regular readers I know big things will happen for you. Just remember us little people when you are giving your Academy Award acceptance speech. Or Pulitzer. Or whatever.

[Rich]

I just made up the baking-soda thing. I just mean it to refer to hip-hop tracks about making crack.

[rustyspigot]

Eva looks "special" in the Amanda screenshot. I miss the Tyra/Jesus moments, they're so lacking in recent seasons, now she's all with 'hug your mama, make mama proud' crap. I think that Kellie clip was one of the seminal moments to me worshiping the show. That and 'Roses and Rain' and 'you make me want to study psychology more'

[Keisha]

Haha, congrats! And I agree w/ brandy - of course Janice googled herself! That's how she found it hahaha...You are that much closer to being the gamous person you were meant to be. You really should get to guest judge on one of these shows though.

And also, the opening to Tyrone is a TRUE CLASSIC.

[Jennifer]

Fourfour the reality show. Rich please get famous. You are too funny.

[Squarehippies]

Congrats Rich! You really deserved more airtime. Pretty much the posts made the show even funier!

[Coy]

That's your key to an interview. Rich, you GOTTA interview Janice.
Just.Got.To.

[gayest neil]

Rich! Your blog is also blurbed in "Rollling Stone" this month! It's about your real life Jerri Blank post.

[Scout]

Re The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency:

Of course they quoted YOU, Rich! I'm just wondering what took them so long... Anywhoosie, this IS just the beginning for you, I know it. Soon, you'll be writing for all the big music rags and guesting on everything that's anything in T.V. Land. Naturally, all of this will lead to your awesome reality television show and EVERYBODY will tune in just to watch Rudy and Winnie as they nap in their custom made Louis Vuitton cat beds. It's all true, Rich, I'm psychic like that.

"I don't want to come off as braggy..."

Don't be ridiculous. Your conservative blurb is nothing compared to the shameless bragging we, your diehard fans, are engaged in. Shhhhhh... if you listen really closely, you can hear us:

"I knew Rich when..."

[Andrew]

"Mama's Gun" has always been one of my very very favourite albums—I wasn't surprised that "Tyrone" didn't show up on it. Can't really imagine a studio version, but still, it's a shame, because I don't know how good the rest of the live album is enough to buy it.

Speaking of favourite albums ever, what did you end up thinking of Kate Bush's "Aerial"? I seem to recall you being excited about it (oh man, who wasn't?) so how does it hold up against her other albums now that there's been time to digest it? Personally, I think it's almost Dreaming and Hounds of Love level... certainly my second or third favourite album by her. "Sunset" alone clinches it.

[Messalina 6-5000]

HA! I love that Oxygen is quoting you in their previews.

I notice in the La Perla screencap that Eva is standing next to Jennipher, and I have to wonder - is that before or after we knew she was a bitch?

[CDub]

OMG! I sooo agree with you on TI..that is THE best part of the movie! How i would love to wake up to that!

[Eric]

Andrew- I agree, I think Mama's Gun is a masterpiece, Badu's at lease. Concerning Tyrone, there is a studio version of the song included at the end of the "Live" album, which also includes the live version of the hit. The studio version isnt bad at all and includes an extra verse (or two?)

[Jackie]

that's not lame, that's amazing!

[Rich]

I'm not so into the studio version of "Tyrone" -- it's a bit too subdued for me and it's lacking that endearing, I'm-so-insecure intro of the live performance.

You know, Aerial is a good album. I'm glad she's still letting the weirdness in, though I have to admit being let down by the relatively straightforward production -- I wanted her to go out a bit more electronically. That could have been disastrous, though. Regardless, I haven't listened to Aerial in months -- I think I admire her effort more than the music, honestly.

[Mary]

I played a "private school student/girl in neighborhood getting out of car" in ATL (big time, I know haha),and in between takes we were ushered inside the air conditioned school where I sweatily stood next to T.I. for probably 2 hours in between takes. He was all silent so I said "What's up?" and he grunted. That's right, he grunted at me. What an ego on that man but damn if he isn't cute.

[fifi]

I was so psyched to see you quoted on Oxygen! I wish my job was reading four four as it evidently is for some underling at Oxygen. Of course Janice's show is lame on a platter but as you say she herself remains entertaining. And in re your post on Malan from Taiwan (ok, now I'm in the wrong sectionAND like what a week late) but the image of him as a character from Dickens was absolutely inspired. AND, forgive me people I don't really post so I have to share everything now that I'm sharing anything--I LOVED the cuteoverload reference about Alison! Seriously, I think she has "cheek capsules."

[traci]

that rick ross album is the shit! i love the way he says his name. i want him & paul wall to come over and just say their names into my ears (paul on left, rick on right) until i explode with joy.

[Pop Muse]

Sideline HELLO! that song is so the first single in my eyes. monica is BACK! but does it always seem Monica and Brandy release cds at the same time, does that rivalry live on?

have you heard the dreeeemgirls leak i posted today?

[svrb]

speaking of which, what gives with no new jdma recaps? i know pr is back and heidi's a harsh mistress and all, but come on! there's been some great material lately. janice in an eyepatch? how can you resist?