You still get the pleasure
Don't look into those eyes for too long -- you might turn to stone.
Get it? Cuz her name's Stone and Medusa turns you to stone and her eyes are funny and mean and fierce and fierce and and...
Look, I know that's no incentive to get you to be interested in Basic Instinct 2. I know you didn't care the first time I posted on this occasional source of camp. But since you're not going to see it anyway, you might as well have a gander at some of the finer moments of what could very well be the nail in the coffin of Sharon Stone's career, right?
I mean, look at this:
They opted to leave her face off the DVD so they could put the hole where hers is. Someone at Sony has a dirty mind! I love that person.
We start in a car.
One of my childhood dogs was accidentally dropped on the head when he was a puppy and for the rest of his life, he had the same droopy eyes and tongue hanging out. Just sayin'.
Alternately: I'm glad she wore her drivin' tongue!
Guess where that's going.
Into her vagina!
The fingerbang ends up pushing her over the edge (naturally) and making her plunge her car into the water.
I mention this not because I'm going to give you a blow-by-blow of the movie, but because this sets up a major motif of Basic Instinct 2...
Wet hair. Seriously, virtually every time you see Sharon Stone's Catherine Tramell, her hair looks damp. It's not sopping or anything, but it's as though it's taking the whole movie for her hair to dry. Either that, or it's a symbol of her perpetual wetness. I'm talkin' about downtown!
You know, throughout the whole movie, I just can't figure out her hair, how it sometimes looks both damp and fried dry. I just can't get a handle on it...
...oh, uh, thanks!
The one time that her hair looks completely dry...
...it's memorable for more than just that. She should call this look the "Ginger." How much you want to bet that she has a clip-on tail rounding things out?
And then, just as it seems that she might be drying off...
...she gets dunked in a jacuzzi during one of the movie's possible climaxes (hard to say for sure what constitutes a climax in a flatline)!
It's gonna take another whole movie for her to dry!
Oh, and while we're talking hair, look at her fucking eyebrows:
They look like they're going to just keep going in that dramatic slope, until they're extending well beyond her face, jutting out like antennae or branches or handlebars or...this:
Working our way down some more, we arrive at her mouth. Here are my favorite quotes from an extremely vivid script:
You sound like one, too! I think she's supposed to be purring, but throughout the movie her voice sounds like the product of balls that have finally dropped. (Here is another wonderful example.) Seriously, when did she become Bea Arthur?
"(Splashing around hot tub) Mmm...this is wonderful."
You know, somehow I just don't believe her.
"Who knows if I'll ever come again?"
I do! I do! The answer is: you will. And when you do, it will be wonderful. Wonderful for you, wonderful for us. Wonderful like this:
She reminds me of Pac Man. Notice how I didn't say "Ms."
And while we're on the subject:
Ew. Ew. Ewewewewew. David Morrissey has that sexual animal quality if the animal you're referring to is a sloth or a lemur . In other words: NOT hot. I think Winston could probably have turned in a more sizzling performance.
On the subject matter of her writing: "The lurid, the sexual, the violent...the basic instincts."
The only thing that could have made that title reference more cornball would have been Samuel L. Jackson and the word "motherfuckin'."
And here's an ice pick to accent the obviousness.
I love the way she spits this out, with the same contempt as a sleep-deprived, affection-challenged mother telling her 7-year-old that he has mustard on his face.
Oh Sharon, will you marry me a little?
But what of the guys who are into campily matter-of-fact delivery? Oh right, most of them are gay.
"Don't take it so hard. Even Oedipus didn't see his mother comin'."
It's funny cuz it's true!
(Also note that she drops most of her G's in the movie, which I don't believe she did in the first one. I have to say that it really enhances the garbage quality of the script. When at the trash heap, do as the homeless do.)
And now, for the best lines of the movie, in what could quite possibly be the monologue of Sharon Stone's career:
No! More! Seriously, the only correct answer, I think is: all of the above. Just brilliant: a quiet storm blowing over a tour de force and through a whorehouse.
Just a few more random observations:
Check the pinkies as she's getting into her pee-squat. Such a fuckin' lady.
I never realized this (because, really, why would I?), but having sex with one tit out is so much trashier than both out.
And finally: this is her face upon hearing a doctor testify that she's a danger to herself:
I bet that's the same expression she donned while reading the reviews for this shit.
What a joker!
That. That was a little piece of heaven, right there. Stunning. Simply stunning. Er, I mean stunnin'.
Posted by: E.D'Trix | July 13, 2006 at 02:09 PM
Whee!! First comment! Sharon is a hag!
Posted by: Cabinderada | July 13, 2006 at 02:13 PM
Dammit!
Posted by: Cabinderada | July 13, 2006 at 02:14 PM
ok, if you're going to say that winston can do a better job than david morrissey, you're going to have to photoshop winston's head in that photo. or is that too traumatizing?
Posted by: banana | July 13, 2006 at 03:00 PM
you are awesome! i laughed out loud at my desk when i saw her handlebar eyebrows!
Posted by: Tara | July 13, 2006 at 03:49 PM
Oh my god, I almost died reading this. I just watched this on Tuesday night and thought, damn, this is such a horrible movie.
But you made me love it!
Posted by: mags | July 13, 2006 at 03:50 PM
Fuckin' A!!!
Posted by: mutterhals | July 13, 2006 at 03:58 PM
I'm with banana! I know you want to keep us guessing, Rich, but come ON! I needed to scroll down and see Winny's puss (harhar) on that gross dude's fuzzy body while he gets his hump on Medusa. Dammit! Please?
Posted by: Iris | July 13, 2006 at 04:10 PM
awesome. effing awesome, Rich.
the lemur, the orgasm gif, everything.
and i trust you were intentionally referencing Ginger, the name of her character in Casino. Or have i just out-gayed you?
Posted by: whatwouldjanicedickinsondo | July 13, 2006 at 04:30 PM
It's a miracle that I'm even able to type; I can't stop laughing at the picture of the lemur!
Posted by: Scout | July 13, 2006 at 04:33 PM
Post has been updated with nasty Winston action. I can't believe you guys made me do that.
And yeah, Ginger was a reference to Casino. Smart, WWJD, smart!
Posted by: Rich | July 13, 2006 at 04:47 PM
nasty winston action has made my day. thank you, rich. handlebar eyebrows were just the icing on the cake.
Posted by: boop | July 13, 2006 at 05:06 PM
I choked on my snack when I too realized just how trashiy having sex is with one boob. It's so....extra.
Posted by: Coy | July 13, 2006 at 05:12 PM
That last monologue (besides making my nipples shrivel up) reminded me of Mary Katherine Gallagher in Superstar, sex-talking the tree in her school's front lawn
Posted by: Charlotte | July 13, 2006 at 05:13 PM
Like my body? Wanna Viper?
Posted by: Toby | July 13, 2006 at 05:33 PM
How totally appropriate that I thought the first pic of her eyes was actually Ashley St. Ives. I was like, I know, I know, but really, again, so soon?
Posted by: emily | July 13, 2006 at 06:08 PM
The 50 pack-year voice really takes away from any sort of sexiness she was trying to go for here. I kept expecting her to start hacking up a lung. Those budget hair extentions really aren't helping her out any either. Ew.
Posted by: Gretchen Weiners | July 13, 2006 at 08:26 PM
The eyebrows are heaven. Do you have any of this summer's chunky hunky monkey's from Jersey? Last year's were delish.
Posted by: Phylicia Rashad | July 13, 2006 at 08:48 PM
I don't even know what to say about that Winston photoshop job. Hella funny. Ms. Stone should get a refund from her plastic surgeon, she looks like shite.
Posted by: Lucycat | July 13, 2006 at 10:30 PM
Um, I think you will be marrying me right now.
I couldn't wait for the DVD release. And yet, I didn't want to engender the bitterness of subjecting myself to it for $10+ in a theater. So I grabbed it off a torr-- I mean, I dreamed it. In full, poorly-scripted detail.
Was it my torrent -- er, dream -- or does her voice go from Lauren Becall-esque drunk diva in the interrogation scene to overtly sexual Kristen Chenoweth when she visits him in Phallic Tower?
It's a terrible movie, she's not much good in it, but -- SORRY, HATERZ -- beyotch looks good after fortysomething odd years of taking the veneer off the top of bathroom countertops with the sheer force of her... sex appeal. Yeah. Sex appeal.
Posted by: MRKinLA | July 13, 2006 at 11:02 PM
I think she let a six-year-old cut her bangs.
Posted by: starstattoo | July 13, 2006 at 11:17 PM
AHAHAHA
This made my day.
Posted by: Meri | July 14, 2006 at 12:26 AM
Holy shit - I love it. This made my night. I needed this laugh.
Posted by: Manders | July 14, 2006 at 12:31 AM
That gif of Sharon doing the nasty is terrifying. Scrolling down to discover the Winston Photoshop made it all better. I'm going to scroll up and look at it again...
HA! Priceless. I love you.
Posted by: messalina 6-5000 | July 14, 2006 at 12:40 AM
If Roger Ebert goes kaput, you should totally take his place.
Posted by: | July 14, 2006 at 01:13 AM