Actually, today I feel like bottoming

You know, they're actually kind of pretty if you cross your eyes.

The time is once again upon us to make knee-jerk judgments of a group of girls whose only crime thus far has been entering a televised modeling competition. But whatever. At this point, they should know better (because you know they can "signature walk," "infatigo," "dwelve" and aswirl in their sleep at this point). These girls are masochists. By making totally biased and unfounded claims on their appearances and personalities, we're actually helping them. We're providing what makes them feel so good. ANTM girls, if you're reading: welcome to your pleasure palace.

Since the CW doesn't yet seem to have much info up at their site, I thought I'd provide what was lacking and furnish these girls with profiles like the ones that generally run when the new batch is announced (here's Brooke's, for example). There's nothing like speculation and ridicule to help acquaint yourself with people! (For the record: the names, occupations, hometowns and ages listed here are correct and per the press release that went out last week to announce the new season; everything else is a product of my wishful thinking.)

We'll go in order of least favorite to most (all photos taken from ohnotheydidnt), which means I already can't stand:

Brooke

Age: 18
Hometown: Keller, Texas
Occupation: Student
Favorite TV show: "Is Lifetime original movies a TV show?"
Favorite Movie: "Is Lifetime original movies a movie?"
Favorite Magazines: Bride, Redbook, Scrapbook Answers
Favorite Food: Lettuce
Fun fact: Brooke looks like Elizabeth Perkins (that's facially remixed for two-thousand-and-six Elizabeth Perkins, not back-in-the-day Liz P.), and she's totally cool with that.

Melrose

Age: 23
Hometown: San Francisco
Occupation: Fashion designer
Favorite TV show: Melrose Place
Favorite Movies: The Rose, The Purple Rose of Cairo, The Name of the Rose, The War of the Roses, Rosalie Goes Shopping, Single White Female
Favorite Magazines: Melody Maker ("R.I.P.!"), Rose magazine
Favorite Foods: Melon balls, melon rinds, melon anything
Fun fact: Animals strike curious poses.

Megg

Age: 18
Hometown: Los Angeles
Occupation: Retail clerk
Favorite TV shows: Golden Girls (or, as Megg's parents like to call it, GG), Stories of Passion
Favorite Movie: Single White Female ("But only because it's Melrose's favorite movie. RIGHT, MELROSE?!?")
Favorite Magazines: Club, Inches, Latin Inches
Favorite Food: Macaroni and cheese with beef
Least favorite food: Hamburger Helper ("It's déclassé!")
Fun fact: Megg hasn't tried peanut-butter-and-jelly wrestling...yet.

[Megggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg does look like Bridget Fonda, though, right?]

Jaeda

Age: 18
Hometown: Parkersburg, Iowa
Occupation: Student
Favorite TV shows: The State ("I wanna dip my balls in it. For real.")
Favorite Movie: M. Butterfly ("Truthfully, it's The Crying Game, but admitting that seemed trite.")
Favorite Magazines: Transworld Motorcross, Transworld Skateboarding, Transworld Surf, Transworld Snowboarding
Favorite Food: Hot dogs
Fun fact: Is renting-to-buy Coryn's penis.

Eugena

Age: 21
Hometown: Palmdale, Calif.
Occupation: Customer service
Favorite TV shows: Um...
Favorite Movie: Uh...
Favorite Magazines: Well...
Favorite Food: See...
Fun fact: Eugena is crazy contagious -- if you don't use protection, she makes you boring. [I learned the hard way. Does narcolepsy produce a rash?]

A.J.

Age: 20
Hometown: Sacramento, Calif.
Occupation: Student
Favorite TV shows: The Get-Along Gang, The Hugga Bunch, Kissyfur
Favorite Movies: The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Hunger, The Crow
Favorite Magazines: Wasted Youth, the Hot Topic catalog
Favorite Food: Anything burnt or tasteless or so hot that it burns your tongue and renders your taste buds useless
Personal quote: "I can't." - Edward in Edward Scissorhands

Christian

Age: 19
Hometown: Columbia, S.C.
Occupation: Bank teller
Favorite TV shows: The 700 Club, Prophetic Age Ministries, BET Uncut ("It's with God now.")
Favorite Movies: Sister Act, Left Behind, Sprung
Favorite Magazines: Charisma, Guideposts, Hype Hair
Favorite Food: Bread dipped in wine
Fun fact: Her parents are religious.

Anchal

Age: 19
Hometown: Homestead, Fla.
Occupation: Sales clerk
Favorite TV shows: One Tree Hill, Odd Man Out
Favorite Movies: Nothing in Common, A Token for Your Thoughts
Favorite Magazines: Bold Type, Stereophile
Favorite Food: Guess!
Fun fact: Tyra's nickname for Anchal is "Exoteecia."

[For real: this girl could be lovely. I'm not trying to say that her Indian descent is the only reason she was picked. I'm just saying get used to hearing about said descent. And hearing and hearing and hearing and hearing and hearing.]

Megan

Age: 23
Hometown: San Francisco
Occupation: Bartender
Favorite TV show: Look-a-Like, America's Next Top Model Cycle 5 ("Cassandra and Kim were the coolest!"), The Look for Less
Favorite Magazines: Advanced Imaging, National Examiner
Favorite singers: Cassie, Beyoncé ("'Déjà Vu' is sooooo real!")
Favorite Food: Twice-baked potatoes
Fun fact: Megg gives Megan "G"-nis envy.

CariDee

Age: 21
Hometown: Fargo, N.D.
Occupation: Photographer
Favorite TV shows: Blind Date, Next, Elimidate, Singled Out, The Fifth Wheel, Flavor of Love, Love Connection, Temptation Island, Paradise Hotel, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Average Joe, Joe Millionaire, Silk Stalkings
Favorite Movies: Femme Fatale, Frankenhooker
Favorite Rapper: Heavy D (Runners up: Sparky D and D-Nice)
Favorite Food: Caribou
Special talents: Can cut off other people's breathing by using her thighs; Can whistle through her vagina. [Obviously, these are more impressive when done simultaneously.]

Monique

Age: Gabrielle Union
Hometown: Gabrielle Union
Occupation: Gabrielle Union
Favorite TV shows: Gabrielle Union
Favorite Movie: Gabrielle Union
Favorite Magazines: Gabrielle Union
Favorite Food: Gabrielle Union
Fun fact: Gabrielle Union

Amanda

Age: 18
Hometown: Anaheim, Calif.
Occupation: Bookstore sales associate
Favorite TV shows: Half and Half, Too Close for Comfort ("I spell it T-W-O Close for Comfort in my head. LOL!"), Double Trouble
Favorite Movies: The Vanishing, Village of the Damned, I Am Curious (Yellow)
Favorite Magazines: Cricket, American Girl
Favorite Food: Ice, red rum
Fun fact: Finds slowly wasting away to be exhilarating.

Michelle

Age: 18
Hometown: Anaheim, Calif.
Occupation: Student
Favorite TV shows: Just the Ten of Us ("I love a pun!"), Double Trouble
Favorite Movies: Womb Raider, Splash, Too, I Am Curious (Blue)
Favorite Magazines: Highlights, Boys' Life
Favorite Food: Air, red rum
Personal quote: "I'm with stupid."

In sum: CariDee could get it and give it, Monique is quite possibly the most beautiful girl in the world (besides, you know, Gabrielle Union) and the twins are perhaps the biggest stroke of genius casting since...Jade (and if you know I'm invoking that name, I'm serious). Do you know how deeply emotional twins are because of their early socialization in the womb? Two of my sisters are twins and they're like living, breathing affects! It's fascinating and it can only mean great things for the crying count. And that's what really matters.

Comments

[Brian]

I love what you did for Monique.

I'm on Team Eugena because she sort of almost kind of looks like Danielle.

Not like they'd make Danielle2 the winner of this cycle.

[matt]

OH god I've been waiting for this forever (or like a week). Personally I like Melrose's "I'm a broken Undead Doll" look. As well as the creepy twins. And I thought I was the ONLY person who thought that Megg looked exactly like Cassandra with brown hair.

But seriously, is it just me or with goth chique AJ, creepy twins, Evil Doll Melrose, Scary Dopplegagnger Megg, and kind of psychotic CariDee, this could be the SCARIEST ANTM CYCLE EVER!

Too bad the consensus is that they scrapped the theme cycles, because this year I'm going Night of the Living Model.

[Mer]

I think Tyra is trying to recapture the makeover magic of Shani with the twins. Also, I went to school with someone named Anchal...Anchal was a boy who dowloaded porn on his TI-83.

[jmjm]

Those twins look like Chloe Sevignies. As for theme, I think I'll go with "ANTM 7: Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel." By ANTM Cycle 33 I fully expect to see transvestites and inbred sextuplets. Can you imagine how much it would rock if fully HALF of the contestants were sisters?

I'll cheer for Gabrielle Union. I look forward to seeing the creepy twins in Puritan classics such as "The Crucible" and "Little House on the Prairie".

[Lisa]

RICH!! LOL!!! "A Token For Your Thoughts" I love you! I laughed out loud on that one. I can't wait for the season to begin and to read your blog right along with it.

i think brooke looks like rogue from x-men...at least in this picture

[Gretchen Weiners]

CariDee all the way. Homegirl looks like she's ready to cut someone.

[Krzysztof]

With everyone out there hating on the twins, I was hoping at least to see a little love over here. Thank god, Rich, for telling it like it is.

And actually, I was thinking Eugena was the more Gabrielle Union looking-one... but I think I've seen the light.

[Abby]

Not only is Megan the next coming of Cassandra, she's also a dead-ringer for Molly Sue (single tear). At least the casting directors are branching out.

[Saun]

Jaeda reminds me of Samantha Mambo. Anchal is pretty but has a really strong jawline.

I'm just waiting for someone to use the phrase "WonderTwins Activate!" during the season. The twins are so ghostly and pale, they remind me of skeletons, or better yet, those anorexic twins that are straving themselves to death.

I think I'm going with Megan as my favorite.

[Keisha]

Good God those twins look like DEATH. And Melrose already looks like she'll be constantly awkward bc of her "heighth". And her limbs. I totally thought CariDee was Kahlen 2.0, and same for the Cassandra/Kim chick. Does that mean we get more Winston comparisons?! Yeah, Jaeda def DOES = man. They let her AND Coryn through, but the one "girl" on JDMA got tossed? What did she do, SHOW them her post-op scar tissue or what? And Anchal is truly pretty. And of course we'll hear about her heritage. I'll bet anyone $1 they cut her hair, and she throws a fit. Or they'll leave it to show reverence to her "Indian descent".

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

"favourite food: lettuce" killed me. Killed me.

and Keisha, i think you're right about the hair-cutting. And you know she's going to have parental issues that will be brought up ad nauseum.

the twins are all kinds of wrong and i think Melrose (?!) looks good. but then again, remember how good and unfear-of-god-instilling Furonda looked in the preview photos?

[elb]

Latin Inches. Good for you.

[xnowhereboyx]

I've got it all riding on AJ. Which means she'll get cut the second episode of course.

I got $49.95 on it that CariDee is the first one to tell Anchal to go back where she came from, and also to repeatedly tell the twins that this isn't America's Next Top My Best Friend Is My Twin.

[brandy]

CariDee reminds me a bit of Darryl Hannah, maybe its just the hair.

I am keeping my mouth closed on who will win until the makeover episode.
All that long long hair is coming off!

[Genesis]

They are all Mutants I SAY!

Megan does look like Nicole from season 3 and Mollie Sue from the last season.

How come all my favorites are My Chemical Romance Video Hoes and NightMare before Chrismas Fans? Oh yeah, i like those things X(

[winston for president]

You like the twins too?! Oh, gosh, that totally makes my day. I LOVE the twins, and other bloggers are like, "Holy fug."

DSquared used the "Wonder Twin" schtick in Cycle 2, I'm sorry to say! Wouldn't it be great if the Aswirl twins and Dsquared made special guest appearances? Okay... no, not really.

[kdub]

Twins, nice - imagine the crying and carrying on when one of them gets cut before the other. Awesome.

[Rich]

I know, and then imagine if they're the Top 2. Awesomer.

[kdub]

...and 5 years later one is a fashion icon and the other is dead of a heroin overdose.

Maybe I went too far with that one.

[miss christy]

Personal quote: "I can't." - Edward in Edward Scissorhands

I am STILL laughing at that! I love your blog btw, i've been reading since halfway thru last ANTM season, you are absolutely brilliant!

[lc]

I wonder if they'll make Anchal get a breast reduction. I'm thinking, what with Joanie's snaggle-repair last season, they'll make the major surgical procedure a recurring feature, like the makeovers and trips abroad.

[Hateraid]

One twin is bound to be better than the other. I can't wait for the ensuing DRAMA...

[Plain]

God I hope the twins are incestous lesbians.

[matt]

Have you guys seen these:

http://tv.yahoo.com/feature/fall06/

(click on CW and then ANTM, then watch all the videos)

This stuff rocks. I didn't even know Monique was a bitch. Nor did I know that Jaeda was black. And Megan has personal tragedy to exploit. Isn't that odd....no wait its not odd at all.

Rich, you have totally made my day.