She's dead, everybody!
(I wish I could take credit for that top image, but it was actually sent in by reader David Smith. I spontaneously ejaculated when I opened the picture, and I figured that was a good indication of its post-worthiness. I mean, look at the beautifully precise absurdity. Look at the unicorn. David Smith, I salute your genius.)
What are we gonna do now that our very own Rainbow Brite has ceased shining?
Anyway, Alison and I are in agreement that it sucks that she was kicked off. How do I know she's in agreement? She's been nodding emphatically at everything I say for days.
It's kind of nice, really, to have someone so agreeable in your life.
It's so ridiculous that after her first major fuck-up (and it really was a fuck-up, that whipped-cream dollop of an outfit), she gets thrown off when Vincent hasn't made anything impressive and Robert recently was told, after being in the bottom 2 twice in a row, that the judges believed in his talent. It doesn't even make sense in the reality of reality TV, as Alison made for fine viewing, all chuckle-worthy silliness and divine beauty.
Seriously, if we're assassinating on basis of character, why not throw off Kayne? He's not fun, just gay! Why not throw off Robert, whose voice is likely to lull you into a coma if it doesn't drive you crazy first. Why not throw off Jeffrey, whose routinely unclever criticism of his peers was already old during the first episode?
I'm not even going to talk much about the outfits, because they were all terrible. Except for Laura's, they all looked like thrown-together trash, though I don't blame anyone for failing to transcend such a tedious challenge.
Seriously, the bow was dumb...
...but so was the belt...
...and so, come to think of it, was Angela's gift-bag of a dress...
...and, really, so was this:
It's all relative. Alison should still be on the show.
1. But at least she got to go out adorably.
Some thought she was being cheeky when she told Laura...
"It's a good thing you have on your riding outfit, in case it's horses." I, on the other hand, think this was wishful thinking.
Also, this was cute...
"It was the morning time, and I was sitting quietly, humming the Sopranos song." You know that this is what the Sopranos song sounds like in Alison's head.
1.5 (BTW: You can see that I haven't switched audio-posting format yet -- it might end up being too much work to deal with an embeddable player, but we'll see. I'm still working on it.)
2. There have been a few comments over the season from JH about Vincent resembling Don Music, the Sesame Street Muppet who would bang his head against the piano when he'd inevitably fuck up. Yes, yes, now I see the resemblance.
(Fun fact: I was a Sesame Street junkie as a kid and Don Music scared the living shit out of me.)
3. Banging my head against anything and everything is what I want to do when Kayne and Robert are on the screen, particularly together.
"Let's trash talk someone," says Robert, i.e., "Let's be pointlessly bitchy queens!" You know, with Queer Eye floundering and Will & Grace off the air, I have to say that it's just so wonderful that we have these two picking up the slack and keeping the wannabe-clever-but-really-just-unfunny gay male persona on the small screen. Just when you thought the blogsophere finally had that market cornered!
"We're there in this big, huge warehouse in New Jersey, which feels like we've just woken up in some strange nightmare." Oooh! Cutting! What an analogy! Get it, because nightmares are bad? And modifying that with the word "strange" really gives you a sense of...strangeness. That's something nightmares rarely are. I just love getting inside Robert's head!
Ho ho! Did he buy that shirt in the homo section of Hot Topic?
And then there's Kayne, who was all shocked when Tim hated that strange nightmare of a dress he painted...
Please, "high school prom backdrop" was putting it nicely.
And then, to fix it...
"I've made a fairy costume." Uh, I guess. But to be fair...
...isn't this a fairy costume?
And isn't this blanket a fairy costume?
And isn't this waste-management uniform a fairy costume? It's all a fairy costume when Kayne's in it.
And, OK, it might seem like I'm just seeing their bitchy queeniness and raising it, but here's why I can't stand Robert and Kayne: they talk major shit when it's just the two of them (and Kayne has no problem hating it up on his own), but when it's all the contestants together, they're all, "Sush! No bickering! Be nice or leave." Bitches! Like when Laura dug into Vincent after Alison was eliminated. "Hey, hey, hey," said Robert, as though he's some purveyor of morality and dignity. Kayne jumped in with what's subtitled at the top of this post ("Let's just have a second to enjoy Alison in her last few minutes"). These two like to pretend they're above such earthly matters like arguing, when they're really just two overgrown mean girls.
4. Laura kicks ass, though, because unlike Robert and Kayne, she actually succeeds in her attempts to be smart and cutting.
I loved how when Heidi bid model Katie goodbye...
...Laura looked totally disgusted.
It could just be editing, or it could be that she's doesn't have time to invest emotional energy into affection.
Another thing Laura can't muster up the emotional energy for: Vincent.
She said wack! She is so down. Here's further proof:
That might be my favorite three seconds of the season so far.
5. I also love that when Vincent got into it with Laura, he suggested, "Why don't you put some Harry Winstons up your nose? Huh?" Huh, is right. What could that possibly mean? It couldn't make less sense if he suggested she put hairy Winstons up her nose.
6. Oh, and speaking of nonsense...
Brushing your face, huh? How...sanitary.
Also, Michael tries to say he isn't gay, but his clothes tell a different story.
Just kidding, here's really what he wore:
Wouldn't it be funny, though, if out of frame here was the word "gay?"
You'd never look at spray paint the same way again.
Also, did you notice the bling in Michael's mouth? Check the bottom teeth:
That's like a mini grill. A George Foreman, if you will. You'll notice that it's not in place below:
Guess it's removable? Confusing.
Also confusing is Michael's weird story about writing something on a piece of paper and then putting it in his wallet and then finding it and it all meaning he's predestined to win.
It would seem that finding something you left for yourself is nothing but a sign of a bad memory, but what do I know (and to be fair, his story seems pieced together via editing, so it was probably bound to not make sense).
6. We haven't heard from Uli in a while.
Oh, that Uli! So foreign and flappable!
7. I like how Kayne is holding his face in this frame...
...and then in a completely different shot, standing next to a completely different person, he's still doing it...
Is he preparing for a role as a permanently sorprendido maid in telenovela? Gay lastima!
8. So, I have to admit that since his MySpace profile surfaced, Hot Makeup Guy has thrilled me less and less. Like, I hate the fact that he has a name and shit! However, my love for him (or something!) shot back up this week when I heard him speak...
"This challenge is somethin' else." Adorable and insightful. Love him again.
9. That spot with Kara Janx was hilarious.
She is saucy!
So saucy that I'd go wherever she wants to take me.
10. Michael's reaction to the back of Laura's dress ("For nuts only") was priceless.
I think we all know what he was thinking.
11. And how about Vincent's totally molesty vibe?
First of all, he touches people more than he should (which is to say: he touches people)...
And then there were the repeated mentions of getting off and being turned on by his design. Disgusting. In tribute of his provocative nature, I've assembled a song. You could call this one "Justify My Continued Presence in This Competition." And here's a visual to go along with the song:
And not that it has anything to do with anything, but...
...is that Laura?
12. Rachel Zoe didn't look half as wretched as she did on ANTM.
I'm sure she's still rotten on the inside. You know that between shots, she totally went up to Alison's model and was like, "I have a fabulous diet to suggest: anorexia!"
13. And speaking of that, Heidi didn't really mince words when it came to her furor over Alison making her model look big, right?
I mean, she used the words "fat Minnie Mouse." Ouch. Oh well, at least Heidi had some wisdom to espouse, as well...
Whoa. She is a sage. That's like Project Runway's supreme lila. Bow down to Sri Krishna Klum, everyone.
(Tons of love to Jonno for the inspiration.)