If this is your first time watching ANTM, and even if it isn't, there are a few things you should know about before we get started:
Vagina arms and ham:
Also before I start, I should note that this recap is somewhat of a challenge because ANTM is increasingly aware of its status as the most reliable source of camp in contemporary pop culture. If you need evidence of this, please scroll up. Or down. Or listen to this. Or look at this:
Really, I just find it hard to (lovingly!) make fun of something that's already making fun of itself. That doesn't mean I won't try, though.
We start where we always start: silly bitches crying over silly problems (silly problems like, say, a fakey televised modeling competition). (If for some reason you need a primer on the rolling crying count, this post is where I laid it all out.)
1. Semi-finalist 1
Broke the seal, and soon was broken herself.
Tears shed over racial identity? Now I feel like I'm at home.
Evita doesn't want to miss her kid's first step or something. She cares enough to cry, but not enough, to, y'know, actually be with her kid. (B-b-b-b-but being on this show is for their future!!!)
She hates glossy pictures. A lot.
6. & 7. Two more semi-finalists
I don't know the one on the left, but the one on the right is named Leanglea. That's like 10,000 different names in one (Lee, Ann, Leann, Angela, Lala, Angle, Gel-face, etc.). You'd cry to if your very fabric of being were so complicated.
Also: nice beads.
8. That girl from the first crying picture
"What if I stretched my face? Then would you pick me, Tyra? With just a few flicks of my wrists, I can make myself appear to be any number of exotic ethnicities. You love exotic ethnicities, don't you, Tyra? Don't you?!?"
Come back when you've sweat some of that gel out of your hair. See ya!
This one took issue with modeling nude (which is exactly why they have these girls' tits flapping in the wind almost as soon as they get there -- gotta weed out the prudes!). Also, since she was booted and I'll never get the chance to mention her again, footage of her audition video revealed that she's "pretty much an all-around American girl in a small town with big dreams." Her name is Becky. Imagine that!
Boys don't cry?
Her name is not Becky.
CariDee is not afraid to get ugly. That is but one thing that makes her awesome.
Monqiue cried when Tyra picked her to be in the final 13. Through her tears she informed us, "I've never been picked for anything!" We're about to find out why.
Now that Evita's out of the competition, she won't be able to fulfil her dream of "the all-American family -- the solider, the model and the two little kids." That's OK, Evita: if you get a job on the pole next to Cyndel's down at Jezebel's, your family will still totally be all-American. Promise.
This crazy person walked like a tranny with a butt plug in (everyday, all day apparently), and also posed like this:
Only God knows why Tyra didn't choose Jaselene. Or is that a redundant statement?
Melrose won the walk-off challenge. Her prize was a personal assistant, general pampering and the opportunity to act like a diva for the day. Then, she got yelled at during the photo shoot for...acting like a diva. Melrose, faced!
Blue eyes, brown eyes, blahblahblah.
I admit that I wanted Melrose to go...until I saw this display.
She went fucking fetal for ANTM! That is how you cry, ladies and gentlemen. You put your body in it. Melrose is an inspiration. She earned her hug.
And...booted! This will be the only time Christian is mentioned in this recap. Told you she was bland! (If this weren't the premiere, by the way, this recap totally would have been called "Christian death.")
As you can see, I had to grab this right as the show was fading in to Christian's final words back at house. You'll never outsmart me, ANTM!
Yay for crying! Double yay for the other regular feature of these recaps, the Tyraism of the Week. Since we had two hours of ANTM this week, we have two Tyraisms. The first:
"I just want to be clear with you that stripping's not part of modeling.
I'm not judging you for being an exotic dancer or a stripper, but it's it's it's...not modeling.
The irony (or uh, not irony at all): Soon after Cyndel, she who blasphemed by saying stripping was modeling, got the boot, the girls were forced to do a photo shoot in the nude! Also, Tyra might as well have said, "I'm not judging you for being an exotic dancer or a stripper. I'm judging you because you're not as good of a person as I am." Poor Cyndel.
And the second Tyraism is my favorite kind of Tyraism: advice.
"This is covering my neck, but look at me. See my energy?
It's covering my neck still, but do you feel the difference?" So...binders give you energy? Throw away those iron supplements y'all -- we got binders!
But really, that's just a fancy way of saying, "Hold your neck up, hoe." And of course AJ's all, "Oh yeah, I see the difference." Poor, malleable AJ.
Anyway, instead of any real blow-by-blow of the action, I'm going to hit on the girls (not like that!) that made an impression on me starting with...
This one didn't make it past the semi-final round, which suuuuucks because I thought she was adorable in a way that's totally derivative of Gemma Ward, who routinely fascinates me.
Ginger's big thing was that she wasn't comfortable with the naked photos -- after much stammering, she only allowed the photographer to take two frames. It was all in vain, however. After being cut, she explained, "I feel like I went against my morals when I did the nudie scene." "NUDIE" scene? How proto-porno of her. Ah yes, Tyra's the queen of nudies, those gently uplifting softball flicks with nipples for days.
Ginger also revealed, "I'm conservative and I think it's wrong to expose your private parts for people to see." Oh well. It's back to her life of underwear showers, crotchless panties and holes in sheets.
"When I look at her, it scares me how pretty she is." OK...that's one way to put it.
I don't know. There is something really intense and striking about Anchal. But just as equally, there's something that's off (and it's not just the eye bags). I think it's the shape of her face. I'm not saying she looks like a praying mantis, but...
Well, OK, yeah. That is what I'm saying.
All episode, I thought that AJ just was bad.
Anyway, everything changed when I saw her picture...
I have no problem with her neck (seems full of energy to me!). Everything about this shit is gorgeous. I think 80 percent of AJ's problem is her hair, which will hopefully be fixed next episode. Now if she'll just hold her face properly, she could worm her way into my heart, like some Tim Burton stop-motion worm-like creature.
What an asshole.
Unwilling to compromise about taking a shower, theiving, giant-matchstick-wielding...
...and under the delusion that she's entitled, to boot. Look, I know that many black women struggle with skin-shade issues, but for her to start crying and say that she deserves to be in this competition and that she's been through so much because her sisters called her "Blackula" is ridiculous. She's barely been through the annals of Blaxploitation cinema. Bitch, Megan's mom died keeping her warm after a fucking plane crash. That's going through so much. Monique is so egocentric that you know she'd be like, "Whatever, at least she didn't get cold."
On the plus side: she's stunning, has major potential for hilarious buffoonery, in all likelihood really hates herself and revealed her seemingly true colors way too early for them to truly mean anything (unless she's booted soon). She's too easy of a villain this early. I may end up in love with her.
I like a girl who gets a little bit butch when just kickin' back.
I do not, however, like a punk who's gonna let Big Bad Monique steal the bed out from under her. Hoe, don't you watch Flavor of Love? If someone takes your bed, you beat the shit out of them and then offer them lip chap. You can also hypothesize on how much you'd charge if you were a whore (which in fact you are not, thank you very much), if you need a cherry on top of your sass. Damn!
Not so Eugenious, is she?
Not that Monique watches Flavor of Love either. If she did, she'd know that she'd have to shit on that bed to keep people away from it -- mere pee (much less fake pee) simply would not do.
That she resembles Rebecca Romijn (Tyra pointed it out, but I was already thinking it) is only the tip of the endearing iceberg for me. This girl is crazy!
A simulated take-off?
CariDee seems the most likely to necessitate a running "Imagine That" segment, what with her home-state pride.
"I was just very, very nervous, especially coming from North Dakota. Like, the most famous person we have in North Dakota is Paul Bunyan. And he's dead." He and those fabulous relatives of elephants, the dinosaurs, alike.
Also, I love that when faced with Miss J dressed in the stewardess gear (near the top of this post)...
...what stuck out most wasn't his gender-bending, fashion sense, fabulous legs or Grace Jones-like aura of f-f-f-freak. No, it was: "Holy cow! She's so...he...whatever...is so tall." Height, y'all. Height is what she takes away from Miss J. I look forward to probing that very special brain of hers some more.
Oh, and her unofficial nickname is TwiddliDee thanks to Miss J. The botched reference really fits CariDee, I think.
CariDee isn't the only blonde I love.
A few people have pointed out Brooke's Reese-esque disposition and I couldn't agree more. She's particularly Tracy Flick-like. I just want to take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of -- feed her some apple slices, talk floss and go over SAT vocab.
And though I referenced it in my announcement of the recap "schedule," Brooke's phone call to herself (with notes of Lisa Simpson's "This just in: little girl on cloud nine!" quip) is really a wonderful, wonderful thing. I can't stop watching it really. Can you?
I worry that she can't do more than cute. I mean, she isn't exactly fierce...
...but it'll be entertaining watching her try.
Melrose has so named herself a sort of contraction of her full name (Melissa Rose).
"I don't need that '-issa,'" she explained. Bitch, that "-issa" is all you have going for you!
Really thought her walk was ridiculous...
...and that she won the runway competition was no reflection on her -- it was a sign of the deluded minds of those designers, whatever their names were. But then again, these are the same people who thought these outfits needed "feminizing."
As though the male models hadn't already accomplished the feminizing process.
Dream on, mister. I love how she's the hot girl in her school, and she's not afraid to brag about that. Makes ragging on her that much more guilt-free!
Way to enter a modeling competition rocking a hickey. Oh wait, she can't be a guy -- any good female impersonator knows how to cover that shit.
Also, she's more masculine than Mr. Jay. Because that's so hard to achieve, that it's noteworthy, right, Jay?
So, I was wrong: It isn't Megggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. It's Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg.
This girl is wild and she loves to rock and roll.
She is not unlike your uncle who wasn't even hip in the '70s, but has nonetheless, spent the last three decades attempting to convince everyone that he was. She is also reminiscent of Keith Coogan's character in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.
Megg is on top of that world. You know, that world you can only get to via speedballs and snorting ants and mainlining vodka. The music that she listens to is dark and deep. You know what that means, right?
She and Project Runway's Jeffrey would get along famously.
Just kidding. She probably loves Staind.
My love for her is clear, right? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg for EVAR!!!!
Love them, too.
If one of them gets kicked off, though (and I'm not unconvinced that they'll both win), the other's power will be diminished. For nothing means anything unless they both say it. They have a creepy, almost witchy intensity. When Amanda said, "I don't like that," in response to Monique's unwillingness to compromise, I started fearing for Monique's equilibrium and hair-growing ability. Also, I think they're hot sometimes (their pictures were great)...
...but not always. Someone needs to tell Michelle that that isn't handsome.
Oh, and I think maybe after puberty, "tomboy" starts meaning lesbian. I mean, come on.
Nice folk singing!
But whatever -- twins in '06. What!
Now, if I could only learn which is which.
The Aswirl twins
Looking as Dracula-esque as ever...
(Monique's all, "They stole my look!")
I really hope this isn't the last we've seen of them.
"It's Danielle, but in a city that moves this fast, it's just Dani." Um, OK, but... "I may be a CoverGirl now, but I'm still the same Dani." Well, of course you're the same Dani! We just learned that you were Dani in the first place 20 seconds ago.
No matter. Dani kicks ass -- there's something about her that's inherently amusing. Her very flat reading of these very ridiculous lines make her seem like he's subversively mocking the My Life as a CoverGirl segments.
"It was so kind for CoverGirl to give me this necklace." Hee! I love her now and for always.
Guess who wants a magazine!
She even messed with the sacred institution of Tyramail. That's gunning hard.
As slutmachine pointed, out, Tyra's still in the running towards becoming America's next Oprah. I hope she one day finds her dream (and hires me).
I think Tyra also topped the Cinnabon in the running toward America's next ridiculous hair choice.
Why the flat head? Her head is so flat, it's practically Holland.
It's so flat, you could play ping pong on it.
Oh, and she's not only a ham, she's occasionally piggy.
Seriously, Ty Ty: don't do that again. Ever.
Tyra had so many hammy and ridiculous moments that a) I've finally stopped missing Janice and b) I couldn't possibly capture them all and put new spins on them. They need to be seen to be appreciated. And so, I've assembled a clips reel of Tyra's first episode ridiculousness:
I just hope she hasn't shot her load for the cycle.
Something tells me she hasn't.