And take your womanly juices with you!

You know, I thought Tyra would keep her around for long enough to extol Monique's stellar fivehead.

And since she proved to be such a sweetheart, why stop there? Why not see what Monique looks like with a fivethousandhead?

Oh shit, now she totally reminds me of someone...

Hee! It is with tears of laughter that I present this week's round of crying bitches.

27. Brooke

I'll let her tell you what brought forth the tears: "Just to go home for a little bit, it woulda been nice. And I'm...I don't want to get all teary about it, but I love Texas. That's my home state." See what happens when you mess with Texas? (Do it again, A.J.!)

28. Monique

She's crying while reading the Bible. She probably got to the treat-others-as-you-would-like-to-be-treated part and was all, "Oh, cocksucking fuck! I thought you were supposed to treat others as you would like to be treated were you a piece of shit. Now I have to start all over!"

29. Monique

She's sick, blahblahblahblah. Soul cancer hurts, blahblahblah.

But you know who didn't cry?

Melrose. Here she is trying to contain the party hats and horns from bursting from her body upon finding out that Monique has been eliminated. I don't know if I'll ever love Melrose as much as I did at this point.

There were some really great Tyraisms this week (Go, go Gadget propeller, anyone?), and so I've decided to choose two. At first, I thought maybe I shouldn't, but fuck it. If she's serving, I'm eating and right now, I feel like gorging on ham.

Tyraism 1

(To Monique) "We look at you, and wonder, Does she want this enough? We've had girls on Top Model that have been siiiick. I.V.'s! Oxygen! But they've gotten up, and they've trekked through the jungle on an elephant to do a photo shoot. So we wonder, Just how sick was she? And even if she was sick, maybe her photos aren't as strong." OK, so from now on, my measuring stick for devotion will be, "Is he/she trekked-through-the-jungle-on-an-elephant devoted?" In fact, I'm going to incorporate that into my gay wedding vows: "Tonight, I celebrate my trekked-through-the-jungle-on-an-elephant luuu-huuv for youuuuuu."

Also: way to leave food-poisoned-but-still-truckin' Adrianne Curry again, Ty.

Tyraism 2

"When I first started modeling, and Miss J knows this, when I felt like I was fierce on the runway, I brought all of my fierceness into my lips...

...and that's what you do. You don't do the push-out, you do the...

...'I'm fierce. My name is Megg.'"

Why didn't Tyra just cut to the chase and call Megg "Blowjobface" like she clearly wanted to? But really: I actually think this is very funny and want to recognize Tyra's (occasionally intentional!) comedic genius.

1. So, for the second week in a row, Monique used her down-there-no-no-place as a weapon.

Thingy, indeed. What kind of fucked-up, crusty-ass vagina does this woman have?

I mean, I look at this reaction shot...

...and all I can think is: YEAST.

Icky it is. (Really warming up to Jaeda, btw -- I don't even think she looks that manly anymore. Do I need help?)

And then Anchal's all...

"I'm freaking out she's gonna to come in the middle and throw, like, lemonade on me." It might look like lemonade, but it probably won't taste like it, Anchal.

2. And what is a good tyrant without a bottom bitch? Ladies and gentlemen, meet...

Here are a few pointers from Eugena on highly effective bottom bitchery:

• Never put down your superior or point out a character flaw; it's best to explain away your superior's negative behavior by blaming it on stress.
• If your superior ever becomes totally out of line, say by rubbing pussy juice on someone else's bed, don't ever condemn. A light slap on the wrist is sufficient:

• Remember, even your superior's smallest achievements are still achievements.
• One of your main roles is that of escort (but not like that, silly!):

• If your superior does not have adequate transportation that you can walk him/her to, carry him/her around in a basket on your head:

Is it any wonder that her ass landed in the water?

She was all, "I think Monique would have wanted me to fall."

3. And what would a team like Monique and Eugena be without someone to comment on their lousy dispositions?

"I think Monique or Eugena should have gone home. They had terrible attitudes, they still have terrible attitudes."

They have attitudes, but A.J. has a badittude:

She's bad-ass, emphasis on the ass (no, really).

And, I'm just gonna keep saying it until things change. STOP IT WITH THE SPIKES. You're hotter without them.

A.J. Penishands can't stop fucking with her hair.

4. Also rocking the battitude is Megg. Emphasis on the rocking, except not really.

"I was like, 'Yeah...

...rock and roll! This is so rad...

...let's go!"

Seriously, I think "rock and roll " is to her what "smurf" is to...well, Smurfs -- an all-purpose word that means nothing and everything and can be used for whatever. "What is your rock and roll, Heather?" "Rock and roll me gently with a chainsaw." "Rock and roll pâté, Mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight."

When Megg saw the runway over the pool, she broke into a hoedown (because you know she thinks Ashlee Simpson's "Pieces of Me" is so rock and roll):

If only the camera hadn't cut away so fast!

Megg is so ridiculous that even Tyra and Miss J are mocking her (in some cases, to her face!).

"Congratulations Meeeeeeegg!"

"Rock and roll!"

For providing and inspiring so much entertainment, I'm going to make Megg more rock and roll than she's ever been in her life:

Compliments of Gene Simmons.

5. Past contestants, past loves.

OK, now I'm crying. It makes me sad that Bre's been relegated to playing second fiddle in a comedic duo that could only be called Loose Bottom and Carrot Top. Bre says, "Preserve your sexy. Preserve your sexy." Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself.

God damn it. The hormones still aren't taking?

I would have totally thought that this was Shannon from Cycle 1, except she was already there!

6. And speaking of CariDee...

I wanna rub myself with what she's stepping in.

She gives stupid.

She gives idiot.

Massive, slide-down-the-stairs-on-an-inflatable-mattress idiot.

...and looks great no matter what. I predict big things for this girl (and by that I mean she'll go far in this competition, which really isn't that big of a thing, come to think of it. But whatever, everything's relative!).

7.

"You make it work!"

First of all: wrong show, sweetie. Second of all: awwwww!

Also, the girls are really, uh, full of life this cycle aren't they? I made a little mix of various examples of their hooting and hollering here. I really love it. I post this in Brooke's section, because I can hear her most clearly most of the time.

Again: awwwww!

8. I know we've met Charlie Altuna before, but only now does it strike me that he's the type that could fist you...

...with his eyes.

OK, nevermind.

9. Amanda: "Both me and my sister, we've always had problems with our feet. My sister's feet are really flat-feeted." Straighttwinsayswha? Her feet are "-feeted?"

So, like this, then?

10. Heresey:

Yet another example of this show being way too aware of itself. However, this is so painfully unfunny that it's pretty fucking hilarious.

That'll teach you for trying to laugh along with me, show!

11. And now the moment you've all been waiting for:

(I know I do a lot of apologizing, but I have to again say that I'm sorry that this recap is going up later than usual. I'm having a hard time keeping up with Project Runway and ANTM and my sanity in a timely manner. Please understand that I'm working hard as ever and that it bothers me a lot when I can't get posts up at their promised time. I appreciate your patience. Shit like this (the 12:06 comment) is unnecessary, as it doesn't do anything but take up your time and piss me off. Why bother?)

Comments

[Steve]

Well I won't be the one to say "woohoo, I'm the first post" since I know it infuriates people... oh wait, too late...

Great posting as usual Rich - especially that last shot...

WHAT kind of human being can do that with his left eye... I will have nightmares of Ms. J for years to come, not that the singing judges didn't do that already

Take your time with your posts sweetie - it's just great to have them... now time to read your Flavor Of Love recap

[Gloria]

THANK YOU!!!

I actually expected you to put this up tomorrow or something, just because putting up both PR and ANTM on the same day is a lot.

I always love your recaps. I completely missed Miss J's cross eye face thing. LoL!!!

Thanks again for wonderful recaps!

[kc]

Love the recaps! You are hysterical. Only just stumbled onto your site by accident. Great job.

[kdub]

Rich, no apologies necessary.

I was very surprised they let Monique go so fast. But she did seem beyond "Jade crazy" and into "possibly actually crazy". Probably saved the show some bail money.

[clare]

i felt like twiggy didn't want to be there for that little sing a long. very awkward.

[Mags]

Keep doing your thing. It makes us CRAVE your recaps even more.

[craig]

clare, you're right; twiggy totally looked like she wanted to cut herself during that awkward soul/chant/thing

[Lisa]

By far, the BEST blog out there.

You write like I wish I could, and have a sense of humor I adore. :)

[Ergane]

Personally, I liked the revival moment... well, until Tyra, not one to be upstaged, started trying to "feel the spirit" and... err... honey, sitcho ass down! I mean, you KNOW something's wrong when fucking TWIGGY sounds more "in the spirit" than you.

But Miss J has been making me laugh my ASS off this cycle. I LOVE HER!

However, I do find myself wanting them to give more instruction, yanno?

And... I think CariDee walks like a cowboy after a D.P. scene...

[Angie]

That sing-a-long was beyond ridiculous, yet I couldn't turn away. Hilarious recap, no worries about it being late, it's not like we are the ones doing all the work. Take your time because they are amazing :)

[Dre]

Megg looked awful different two years ago:
http://community.livejournal.com/topmodel/1333937.html#cutid1

The hard rock life takes its toll on one's appearance, but I'll be damned if I don't want her to win the whole shebang!

[dagnytaggart]

Wow - thanks so much for following a Smurfs reference with a Heathers collage. That recap was well worth the obsessive site checking. :)
AJ's opening credits picture reminds me of the generic bad girl character in the later years 90210 credits. But she also kind of reminds me of that girl in Just One of the Guys, which is funny because hasn't someone compared Megg to the brother in that movie? Did I just wander off alone into 80s B movie land?

[J]

Just goes to show that the worse the episode the better the recap. No mention of the fact that upon Monique's departure the only thing she cared about was how Melrose was probably feeling about it...now there's a winner.

[christiaan]

megg is one step away from being mayim bialik/bette midler in beaches.

[gemma]

Ahh i heart Heathers! yay thanks for that.
ugh I hated Monique so much that I wanted her to stay! Eugena is the fugliest one there. ick.
Your posts are the best part of my Monday, but I would never want them rushed or you stressed! Take your time, Rich! I'm sure we would'nt mind if you took a week off or something.
That said, you do Flav recaps?? How did I miss this??

[spazmo]

"I think Monique would have wanted me to fall."

Heeheeehee!!!!

You see this show on like, a hundred deeper levels than the rest of us, Rich.
I've never really noticed Eugena's strange self-subordinacy before now.

(And stop beating yourself up--it's still Monday, as far as I'm concerned...)

[Lizzie]

Seriously, I think "rock and roll " is to her what "smurf" is to...well, Smurfs -- an all-purpose word that means nothing and everything and can be used for whatever.

SERIOUSLY! This is why I refresh your page 20 times a day to check if the recap is up. You totally get it! My thoughts exactly on the Megg ROCK 'N' ROLL!!!!! thing. And I couldn't wait for your commentary on the vagina-juice debacle.

[Lizzie]

Oh yeah, and one more thing- I think most of us appreciate quality over quick. Your recaps are so hilarious, I'd wait five weeks to read them.

And the asshats that complain that this was "late"? Try living on the other side of the world where we'll be lucky to see this episode in a few weeks, and I do mean we're lucky - at least we get it here! God, grow a patience, loser.

[mariaaaaa]

Aw, sugarboog, don't let the "JetSON!"'s of the world get you down! Just know that the vast majority of us wait patiently because we know the payoff is worth it. And might I add that this shit is FREE people, so we should have no demands/rights/or expectations. We are fucking LUCKY to get so much bang for no buck.
HA HA HA - I loved "Is he/she trekked-through-the-jungle-on-an-elephant devoted?" Two catchphrases in a day (this and "uncomfortable, isn't it?" - I agree with comment above - it's still Monday.)
Another commentor mentioned it in last week's recap and it bears mentioning again - Ty-ty is one grudgy cunt (I say that with love). It's as if Adrienne never existed. And for the love of God stop torturing poor Jaeda - she was nervous during the interview, she meant no offense when she said she was considered the prettiest girl in school. Please forgive her Mistress Tyra!
"A.J. Penishands can't stop fucking with her hair." LOL! Genius! And so true - girlfriend needs to abandon the faux emo. Somebody needs to tell her that she's too tall to be emo.

Awesomeness achieved yet again Rich! I don't know how you do it - you're a treasure and an inspiration you beautiful bastard.

[Mara]

i'm sooo glad that monique is gone; i expected her to be there till the end like jade, for ratings sake. i think they woulda kept her if she did the runway, but karma's a bitch bwahahahahaha!! seriously tho, ho was nasty.

and how autistic is eugenia/neyo?? how could she befriend that beast? did she forget that psycho took her bed by "peeing" on it?! i think she's def the submissive at the S&M conventions.

i think aj is the best so far, but honestly is just cuz the other girls are all so meh...some likable, but none models. this is a show that's jumped the shark, imo...tyrant is just doin' shit for show, and its not cute at all. she needs to get her writers back and just give them healthcare, for fucksake--boo tyra boo!!

nice recap, btw :)

[monica]

hey! idk what i would do without your recaps whenever they come. megg's rock and roll reminded me of what you thought about her. the brother from "don't tell mom the babysitter is dead". i'm pretty sure he said that a few times during that movie. it was annoying and at some point too repetitive. Personally, I don't think she photographs well. but i was happy that Monique was out. and i thought it was cute when brooke said make it work. she probably made tim gunn cringe a bit though. :-P. alright cannot wait for next weeks recaps. i'll wait for however long you take. thanks for posting!

[monica]

also lol at coryn i thought the same exact thing when I saw her!

[Deege]

I spit out my coffee laughing at this recap. Tooooo funny. "Bottom bitch"! Fucking CLASSIC!

[Penny Woods]

Great review, as usual.

I would've typed something about an hour earlier, but I was waiting in line for tickets I would've gotten tomorrow. Le sigh...

[winston for president]

Oh. My. God. Monique. Fivethousandhead. Laughing so hard. Can't stop. Ever. A+ (x5,000)

Also, 12:06? It's called RESPEITO. Haven't you watched Cycle 3? Just keep your fingers out of Rich's brownies.