I'll miss the hat most

Janice says it looks like A.J. has mothballs in her hat...

I think she has boy balls in her hat. She was kinda witchy like that...

It's like Weird Science, but more humiliating.

Somebody somewhere said that it was about time for a surprise elimination. Yep, pretty much. Though she took one of my favorite photos in (big, echoing voice) ANTM history, there was no way that A.J. was going far with that attitude. Part of me regrets seeing her go. Part of me says...

...mmmmm.

Make that "mmmmmwhyyyyyyy-uh???"

41. A.J.

What I said about A.J. last week still applies: I think she was crying here. But isn't she always, somewhere deep down inside?

42. Eugena

"This pony tail is not just taking up my head, but also my life. Help."

43. CariDee (I don't know what the fuck to do with the "D" so until I get official proof of whether it's capitalized or lowercase, I'm just going to alternate every week.)

Anyway: psoriasis. It was bound to come up at some point.

44. Amanda

She's, like, she's scared for her sister, 'cause of like, oh now she's a lesbian. Like, maybe she's not, maybe she is, Amanda doesn't care, but she doesn't know if it's America's right to know, like, that about her sister, you know?

45. Tyra

No actual tears, but it counts. Why? Because Tyra cried yesterday and she cried for two hours.

But really, how in the name of Kleenex-for-tears-not-sperm does Tyra have the time to cry for two hours? She has two TV shows! I run two blogs and I barely have time to wipe my ass.

46. Michelle

Because coming out as a bisexual or whatever is not an easy thing to do...on or off TV (but especially on).

Ah, good old one-on-ones. When Ken Mok announced that there'd be more of Tyra in this cycle (it was shot while The Tyra Banks Show was on summer hiatus), I knew we'd be in for some one-on-ones to treasure. This episode's session produced the first Tyraism of the Week:

"Are you scared to be vulnerable?"

This is not to be confused with the question: "Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?"

Tyraism of the Week 2 is pretty straightforward:

I could seriously watch that all day, and I kind of do, as it has replaced New York's mom doing Flav as the primary loop in my head.

The Blowjobface of the Week award also goes to Tyra...

...for sucking Oprah's dick! I mean, damn!

Before I get down to business ("business"), I want to note that every once in a while (and maybe not as frequently as it should be), I'm reminded that ANTM is my favorite thing to ever occur in the history of pop culture. This episode stood as one of those reminders. It's been a while since this show has sent me aflutter. It pretty much hasn't happened all cycle, with the comparatively underwhelming girls (the worst crop since the worst cycle, Cycle 4) start-stop drama (I miss you, Monique!) and blandness over delightful idiocy (but, hey, that's just one POV). Everything about this episode, however, made for perfect television -- from the coming out to the multiple instances of putting the girls on the spot (again, it's the secret of ANTM's success -- getting seemingly dim bulbs to turn on quickly and watching the sparks) to Janice motherfuckin' Dickinson to the hideously wonderful photo shoot. This show tickles my vagina arms like nothing else can.

Oh, and speaking of which (and an added bonus to this week's perfection)...

No vagina arms!

Wow, Tyra way to follow your own advice and dress in a way that plays down your flaws. It only took you four cycles.

But like I said before, I love a woman who eats...

Anyway, love Tyra love this show, love Ken Mok love bisexuals or whatevers.

And speaking of...

1. Hee.

I'd take Brooke to task for her immature reaction to Michelle's coming out...

..except I'm just as giddy. This shit is classic. Besides, she's holding a banana. She's the perfect counterpoint!

Anyway, so Michelle coming out to her mom was great...I like how Amanda had braids in her hair during the phone call...

Very Ani DiFranco circa Dilate. Solidarity, sister!

Of course, the best part of all this was the "Happy Mother's Day!" that punctuated the conversation. What a day!

But really, if Michelle didn't want to do this over the phone, she could have sent a card. Namely, this one:

(front)

(inside)

When you care to send your very best, right?

It was also endearing to watch Amanda wrestle with all of this (mostly because you know she's just awkward and adjusting and that there's no question that she'll accept whatever her sister throws at her -- she's totally the bottom twin). "I don't care what type of sexuality she is, she's my sister." I like how she says, "type of sexuality," like it's iced-tea or something. My love is like antioxidants, y'all.

Mostly, I'm just happy that the lesbian in this picture...

...is not the one picking the guitar, singing the folk song. ANTM is all about bucking stereotypes!

2. God, and now I like fucking Melrose, everyone. I knew this was going to happen!

First of all, I've never seen this sort of open hostility from girls on this show.

They said this shit in front of a stranger! (I love "Mel-stank," though. It's so unclever, it brilliantly fits the playground tone of the heckling.) So yeah, this mass nastiness makes me feel for the 'Stank.

Also, she's a good sport.

Such a good sport that she's willing to do whatever it takes to win, and she does it well. She's a lot like Lisa, actually, minus the urine (so far!)

Also, she makes fun of the crying girls...

...just like I do!

Also, she is Muppet-esque.

Also, to answer Tyra's question above, no she isn't afraid to be vulnerable.

Anyone who wears that much shit around their ankles in our post-Ugg society is opening themselves up for mockery.

So yeah, I like Melrose. Her spunk will carry her to the Top 5, at least.

Also, to me this looks less like a comparison...

...and more like a progression. Here, I'll fill in the next step:

3. Baby...

...baby...

...bay-uh-ay-uh-ay...

...You're my angel. Come and save me tonight.

But for real: when did Janice Dickinson become Steven Tyler?

Anyway, there's not a ton to say about her appearance, except that it was awesome and that she totally relished the job she was given. I like that in a model.

I like this even more:

4. God, I feel like I'm shilling for the CW or something, but I have to continue the lovefest with Jaeda.

Don't be frightened, baby girl. I have a penis just like you.

Really, I fell pretty hard at this:

She knows how to rock witcha, for real!

Also, this was hot:

(On Janice): "I've seen her just kinda being like, not a bitch, but kind of like...yeah, like kind of a bitch."

Gorgeously put.

5. OK, so here's proof that I'm not shilling for the CW...

...you know I love "Dani" and wanted so badly for her to win last cycle and all. I've refrained from commenting on her inevitably painful My Life as a CoverGirl segments, but come on...

"This week, Dani got her stubby-ass fingernails painted with glitter. A model's life!"

6. Amanda thinks it's "ironic" that her just-out sister was made to portray a lesbian couple in the photo shoot this week. Totally! Well, either totally ironic or completely expected...

And is it any wonder that Ahn-chaaaaal and her big self was made to look like Oprah? And don't get me started on the Stedman thing...

Tyra said that whomever did the hair and makeup "should be shot." It was probably someone's mom or something, as Anchal looks as though she stumbled into and out of the dressing room of a high school production of Death of a Salesman. The Voluptuous Girl is Willy Loman.

And speaking of being suited for her role, uh, hello...

There's nothing like cornrows, a fake rope chain and faux-stubble to underline cartoonishness. Also, I think I want to have sex with her twink ass.

Double also: much like K-Fed, white girl raps!

My picture's lookin' good, my picture's lookin' fly
I took it to the next level, I got high
Boys, check it out, I'm revvin' it full throttle
I'm standin' here, I'm gonna be America's Next Top Model

I like that she got high. I bet she can roll a nastily precise blunt.

Also, I like when the snake went up her vagina.

7. Miss J does Whitney...

Nice try, dear, but it sounds more like Tootsie. Appropriately enough.

(Thank slutmachine for that one.)

8. Have I told you lately how much I love CariDee, psoriasis and all?

I guess she's the obvious frontrunner and we're supposed to love her at this point, but I really won't even mind if this show goes the predictable route and crowns her the winner. She's so gorgeous, like, every time the camera's on her. Even when she isn't mugging for it.

Also, and I'm not trying to get all racial or whatever (though feel free to tell me to go back to New Jersey), buuuuut, a blonde girl hasn't won yet. And, you know, after Joanie's narrow defeat last cycle, it's time.

I also like that CariDee seemed legitimately distressed after finding out what it meant when she called Janice "pungent."

Someone that I watched the show with (I can't remember who) said that her Brad Pitt shot looked more like Thom Yorke.

Yes.

(Also, I never realized that Thom Yorke looks like Clay Aiken.)

Also, she's never looked more Romijnian (slutmachine™) than when donning a bad brunette wig and sunglasses. Straight outta Femme Fatale...

9. Twiggy to Jaeda:

"You've gotta get over your fear, my dear." How the fuck can she when you're wielding that pen like you're going to puncture her Adam's apple?

10. Jay says...

"Make it work!"

First of all: wrong show, sweetie. Second of all: ewwwww!

11. Want to know the real reason A.J. was eliminated?

Check the close-up on that sketch she did of Tyra:

The truth hurts. Tyra just couldn't take it.

Comments

[Josh]

I've been waiting all day for this! Thanks so much, Rich!!! XOXO

[Jennifer]

Rich, you are a genius and if I ever see you in the nabe, I am going to kiss you full on the lips. You won't like it.
I'm really writing to say I saw Snow Black on 23rd the other day and she was just so tall and skinny and divine in person and a real sweetheart who let a total, potentially crazy, stranger (me) stop her and tell her how much in love with her the world is.
I'm not sure that last sentence was in English.

[Sam]

Brilliant, as usual! I love the Mother's Day card! Hehehe

Sooo funny!!! Again much love/thanks totally worth the wait. Also did anyone notice Tyra had darker/heavier eye makeup on one eye during panel. All I could think of was A clockwork orange.

[Paddy]

Second! Hee.

Peed my pants over the Mother's Day Card.

Brilliant. This cycle has its moments, but it's definitely your recaps that make it worth watching.

And I nearly spit out my coffee at the last picture.

Simply brilliant.

[whatwouldjanicedickinsondo]

I love love loved how the drawing of Tyra looks exactly like Naomi Campbell. The second I saw it, i knew AJ's ass would be grass.

[ieatpopsicles]

lol... Oh man. I'm addicted to your recaps just as much as I'm addicted to ANTM. NEVER STOOOOOOP

[Gretchen Weiners]

I prefer to combine both of Melrose's nicknames and call her Smell-stank.

[matt]

Oh poo. No brooke on a cupcake, maybe next week.

Anyways, I'm so happy you're on the (as we say on the stupid twop forums) Melrose Love Train. Hurrah!!!! I knew it wouldn't take long. I also wonder if maybe all the editing last week was just so that we would feel torn up over the loss of AJ.

I think its hilarious that everytime you get a screen capture of Jaeda she looks so cute. I really like the dude.

[jenkatz]

Ahw Lawd, RICH! (I've got one hand on my chest, and the other is fanning my face). I need a minute before I can comment on this, the best recap of the best episode of the best camp on television...

[Courtney]

Oh my god...the card...the card...I am dying. I love that you loved this episode as much as I did.

[internetsingle]

Caridee for the win!!! She and Melrose are by far the best on the show.

[Boobie]

I will agree, this is one of the best ANTMs ever -- coming out, but not really; Janice; Tyra's one-on-ones; absolutely horrible makeup at the horrible shoot; Tyra almost singing Hero for Oprah; and little Brooke's rap.

I guess the writers got off strike or had their demand met b/c this rocked my socks off!

[Boobie]

Oh, and one more Janice tidbit:

Oxygen begins production this week on season two of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. The new season's format changes from a half-hour to a full hour, and will focus more on the models and the success of the agency. A special holiday program will air in December, and new original episodes begin next January. The show is produced by Krasnow Productions.

A Christmas special? Success of the agency? Using MySpace as your homepage?

[Tammers]

I live for your recaps! Thanks so much for your hard work!

xoxo

[Trey]

OMG! It is like you are my long lost BF! After this show, I was kind of digging Melrose and I thought, "What is wrong with me!" Then, I read your brillant recap and felt much better.
Also, as I looked at the CariDee/Thom Yorke comparison, I thought Thom Yorke looks like Clay Aiken. To my wonderful surprise, you said what I was thinking.
Brillant recap, Rich! I love you & your gatos!

[david]

fantastic. clap, clap!

hated the photo shoot, sad aj is gone, love caridee with every fiber of my being. i am picking a caridee, twin showdown in the finals. i love how every week turns into a judging battle over which twin they like better.

[mer]

I missed the mel-stank but loved the smell-rose. thanks for pointing the former out. I am not sure that more of Tyra's one on ones are ever a good thing. Doesn't she just end up farting (season 1)?

[mer]

Also, did anyone else love how Tyra said she is "hard to capture" in drawings? HA.

[Lindsay]

Fuck, this is brilliant as usual. AND you get my eternal love and devotion for Jaeda's Bobby animation. That shit was strangely hot...

And I'm glad that there is someone out there who shares my love affair with Brooke. My friends just try to put her down, but I might legitimately cry when she gets eliminated. At least there will be the memories... and the sound bytes... and the animations... so thanks!

[Tanith]

If I owned a cell phone, Caridee calling JDick "pungent" would def be the ringtone.

That was without price. She's an unintentional Lucille-Ball comic genius, that one.

So brill recap.

[the kid]

I like caridee cuz she looks like a glam version of betty from betty and veronica (archie comics) :-D

[Darek]

I think I love you.
Can I have your babies? Not give birth to them, just take them from you?

I was waiting for that second Tyraism - it's been on repeat since I saw it, I think two drops of pee came out while I watched it for the first time.

Also "Dani's" moustache is back and stronger than ever.

[Maya]

I thought AJ would make it to teh end, she was great. ANd she had balls to wear that hat.