Obviously, thanks to editing and, you know, having no sense of anything that it takes to sew a button on a shirt, let alone what it takes to make a garment, let alone a collection, I have no clue as to whether or not Jeffrey cheated. I don't even know what the rules are, really! (Like, he admitted to getting pleats put in some stuff -- that's cool? Huh?)
However, there are a few things that lead me to believe that the allegations are, in fact, fabricated:
- Laura inexplicably had it out for Jeffrey
Before the two-month break, Laura and Jeffrey seemingly shared a bout of bourgie banter when Heidi was going over the winner's prizes (one last time? please?)...
And Jeffrey was totally supportive of Laura's departing wiggle...
So everything seemed all good until the designers returned to New York, and bam!
"I really wanna win. If not for any other reason, just so that Jeffrey doesn't win." Uh, OK. That seems...diabolical.
"I didn't jump up off the sofa when Jeffrey came in, the way I did when Uli did." Because you knew that the next day you'd figure out he cheated, right?
And then after the cheating allegation was made known to all, Laura cried foul over Jeffrey's reaction...
"I would [have expected] him to say, you know, 'Hey, what the hell, bitch? I made this stuff myself. Shut up!'" Cute impression, but she seems a little disappointed, no?
Besides, Laura's point that "You don't pull craftsmanship like this out of your ass" is moot -- Jeffrey is an ass, so that's where all of his craftsmanship comes from.
Plus (as slutmachine pointed out to me the other day), didn't Jeffrey, on more than one occasion, finish his weekly challenge designs with time to spare? And, really, I understand Laura's "every hook, every seam" gripe, that Jeffrey's stuff is so polished that it's an unlikely thing to pull off. But impossible? I don't think so. It's not like his garments can teleport or cure herpes. They're clothes. If Jeffrey spent every waking moment working on his line, could he have turned out something so finished? It's possible, and when something's possible, you kind of owe the would-be cheater the benefit of the doubt.
- The preview for next week's show
Would they really have shown Jeffrey crying in the preview if he were somehow getting in trouble for cheating? Isn't that way too much information to reveal? Surely, this can't be what it seems. Right?!?
I know that at the same time, Jeffrey said that he's "scared" he won't be able to show, and he was really shifty about handing the receipts in, so who knows? My gut tells me that Laura was overzealous in her accusation (and, you know, so were Michael and Uli for basically agreeing with her). But you know what? I went into this episode not really caring about who wins the show (I blame fatigue), and now Wednesday can't come fast enough. Even if Laura's pulling the accusation out of her own ass, I won't hold it against her -- this drama is the finest thing she crafted all season.
Because, really the most exciting thing on this episode before Laura opened her mouth was the special guest...
...Tim Gunn. At this point I was like, "Oooh! I hope a German accent makes a cameo!"
So, even if the non-scandal portion of the episode was on the unexciting side, it was at least cute. So cute, in fact, that I'll break down each contestant's cute factor.
As if we'd hold it against him!
It's hard to say what's more appealing: the staunch determination or the ever-so-slightly filled-out cheeks.
The only way this thing could invoke Michael's proposed "street safari" concept is if you consider walking through rows of slot machines to be a safari (although, have you been to Atlantic City lately?). Besides, when I hear "street safari," I want giraffes in white tees and Rhinos in Ecko.
He really did succeed in bringing it over the top, though...
...because I have a feeling that it'd be even too garish for Cristal Connors. She'd be all, "Darlin', please..."
Cuter: When Laura answered the door for Tim wearing her stone dress...
After weeks of wondering what Laura looked like naked, Tim was delighted to be one step closer to finding out.
Seriously: the hell?
Cutest: The way she woke Michael up when she arrived at the Flatotel (the setting of ANTM Cycle 1, btw!):
I think being a mommy is like being a cop: you're never not on the job.
NOT HOT 1:
Tim's reaction was priceless, though: "Here's my question, I'm gonna be perfectly blunt: Is this even pretty?" Well, you might not think so, but at least Eunice from Mama's Family and Whoopi Goldberg would think so, as the equation of this number is something like...
NOT HOT 2:
Again, priceless reaction from Tim: "Ew! I don't think I want any turtle poop!" He couldn't have been more grossed out if Laura's kid offered him a girl to kiss.
I think if Bravo wants to spin-off a series about Laura and her ever-expanding family, they should call it Laura and the Toxoplasmosis Gang.
Cute: Uli as a downtrodden German child.
You should see the outtakes of her tantrums over ill-fitting lederhosen!
Cuter: "How's your life Jeffrey? Are people throwing eggs at you?" Oh, Uli. Stop projecting!
Cutest: Uli was inspired to move to Miami by watching Miami Vice.
I'm so glad that she went that route, instead of getting caught up in the gritty underbelly of 5 o'clock shadow.
Cutest 2: "Maybe I'm the one who's gonna end up on top."
First of all: wrong show, sweetie (or just about). Second of all: awwwww!
NOT HOT: Nothing. There is nothing not hot or not cute about Uli. Surprises happens, indeed.
Cute: Culling inspiration from "Japanese ghost and demon stories." Seriously, I think it's fresh.
Cuter: Melanie and Harrison...
Cutest: Jeffrey and Harrison...
Of course the undoubted sincerity of the above shot also doubles as more damage control (i.e. ProjRun producers: "See, he does have a heart!")...
And speaking of damage control:
Here, I'll save you the trouble: "Michael already said he isn't gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Don't you read the [not-at-all-planted] gossip?"
NOT HOT: The crime against nature that is the back of Jeffrey's head.
From the side...
...a rat tail.
From the back...
Either way, I say trap it!
Finally here's your new ringtone.
I couldn't cheat you out of that.